Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Stars with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Apple logo.]Colin Jost: Apple has launched a new feature called Pay Later that lets users spread out payments for apps over the course of six weeks. And this is also launched my new favorite insult, “Yo mama so poor she put candy crush on layaway.”
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Drinking water safe after chemical spill.”]Michael Che: After a recent chemical spill in the Delaware River, Philadelphia officials say the city’s drinking water is finally safe. Unless it’s been handed to you by this Philadelphian. [Picture changes to Bill Cosby.]
You don’t like safety precautions?
Cup Noodles has introduced a new breakfast version of the instant ramen that mixes the flavors of sausage, maple syrup, pancakes and eggs. The flavor will be called ‘mom left’. I like this crowd a lot, man.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “89 year old man named world’s oldest surfer.”Colin Jost: Yeah, me too. Agreed. Agreed. An 89 year old Japanese man has been recognized as the oldest male surfer ever. He truly embodies the surfing lifestyle because every part of his body hangs loose.
[Picture changes to New York city]New York City is expected to end the winter with the lowest snowfall on record. You lying son of a bitch.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Staten Island sewer rescue.”]Michael Che: New York City Fire Department rescued five children who got themselves lost in the Staten Island sewer system. Well, it’s hard to believe that a place that filthy and disgusting also has a sewer system.
Built the bear has introduced a new RuPaul doll. And honestly, after a few beers, I would.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a comfort station.]Colin Jost: New York city officials announced that they will stop calling the city’s Park bathrooms “Comfort stations,” and will instead call them the more accurate – stank shacks.
Doctors in Nepal saved a man after he inserted a water glass into his rectum for sexual gratification and it got stuck. But I think the man actually felt positive about the experience because he said the glass was half full.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “First dispensary owned by woman opens.”]Michael Che: The first legal marijuana dispensary owned by a woman has opened in Queens, New York. [cheers and applause] Unfortunately, they had to shut down because she couldn’t open the weed jars on her own.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Sperm donor sued for increasing risk of accidental incest.”]Colin Jost: A sperm donor in the Netherlands who allegedly fathered more than 500 children is being sued for increasing the risk of accidental incest among the kids. Accidental incest is also the title of the worst American Pie sequel.