Tag: Nancy Pelosi

Jan 6th Final Hearing Cold Open

Bennie Thompson… Kenan Thompson

Adam Schiff… Michael Longfellow

Mr. Kinzinger… Andrew Dismukes

Liz Cheney… Heidi Gardner

Jamie Raskin… Mikey Day

Nancy Pelosi… Chloe Fineman

Chuck Schumer… Sarah Sherman

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching C-SPAN. Can you believe it stands for cocker spaniel? We’re now return to the closing statements of the January 6th committee to investigate the attack on our nation’s capital.

[Cut to the House Select Committee’s hearing]

[cheers and applause]

Bennie Thompson: Alright. The House Select Committee will now come to order for its 9th and final hearing. The January 6 was one of the most dramatic and consequential moments in our nation’s history. So to fight back, we assembled a team of monotone nerds to do a PowerPoint.

Adam Schiff: I made mine with Google Slides.

Bennie Thompson: We’ve been investigating this horrible attack for more than a year. But today’s session is going to be a little different. We’re going to summarize our findings, hold a history making vote and then, and only then [pulls out a plate of desserts] we all get to have a little treat.

Mr. Kinzinger:

Oh, come on. Can I have one cupcake now?

Bennie Thompson: No, no, no, no. It’s evidence, then a vote., then a little treat. All right, I would first like to recognize the gentle lady from Wyoming, who I am shocked to say has become my best friend. Liz Cheney.

Liz Cheney: Thank you, Benny. Over the past few months, this bipartisan committee has presented our case to all Americans. Whether you’re a Republican who’s not watching or a Democrat who’s not in so hard, your head is falling off. One person is responsible for this insurrection, Donald Trump. And one person will suffer the consequences, me. You might be wondering what makes me so tough? And I asked you, who is your dad? Is it Dick Cheney? You might wonder how do you have the guts to take on your entire party alone? And I’d say when you were little, who tucked you in at night? Was it Dick Cheney? I’ve been asked how did you get a backbone made of steel? And I asked back, for your 10th birthday, did you eat pizza at Chucky Cheese with all your friends? Or did you shoot a deer in the face with Dick Cheney? So yeah, I guess you could say I have big Dick Cheney energy.

Bennie Thompson: Well, thank you very much gentle lady from Wyoming. The Chair now recognizes the gentleman from California, and maybe the horror movie Smile. [Adam Schiff is smiling creepily] Actually, no, no, no, we’re gonna skip him. Too spooking. All right. The chair instead recognizes the gentleman from Maryland.

Jamie Raskin: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Leading up to January 6, the FBI scoured through alt-right message boards and found disturbing comments like “Who wants to burn DC to the ground?” “Anyone got room in their car for me, 10 rifles, and 30 snakes?” “Where do we park?” “Is their shuttle from La Quinta Inn to coup?” And “Am I at wrong Washington? I see Space Needle.” Yet again, President Trump didn’t raise a finger. And while these hooligans were ransacking our beloved capitol, real leaders like Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer were bunkered in a Senate hideaway trying to save the country.

[Cut to a video clip of Nancy Pelosi speaking on the phone]

Nancy Pelosi: Yes, hello, Mr. Vice President. It’s Pelosi. What is happening over there? Why can’t we get back to the capitol and resume the vote?

[Chuck Schumer is sitting beside Nancy Pelosi, talking on the phone]

Chuck Schumer: Hello, DoorDash. It’s Chuck Schumer? Yes, we still haven’t received any of our lunch order. And yes, I did change the drop off location due to some unfortunate treason. But it still should have arrived by now.

Nancy Pelosi: The President is doing nothing? This is completely unacceptable.

Chuck Schumer: My order, 12 dill pickles still floating in the juice and a hot pastrami sandwich with very light mustard. Did you hear me? I’m not afraid to leave a negative review. I am in a confined space with 30 people and if I get an upset stomach, all hell is gonna break loose.

[Cut back to Jamie Raskin]

Jamie Raskin: And it continues for hours from there.

Bennie Thompson: Well, thank you, Mr. Raskin. The Chair now recognizes the tenderoni from Illinois.

Mr. Kinzinger: Thank you, Mr. Chair. I took a cupcake. Now, Donald Trump knew he had lost the election. Everyone around him knew. He asked White House Counsel Pat Cipollone “Did I lose the election?” And Pat said, “Yes.” He then asked Ivanka, “Did I really lose the election?” She said, “Yes.” He then tried to janitor, “Hey, you don’t think I lost, do you?” The janitor responded, “I do.” Then the President turned to a dog and said, “What about you? Did I win?” And the dog legit shook its head side to side, then barked a perfect human “No.” Donald was desperate to hang on to power. Meanwhile, real heroes like Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer were the ones actually running this country.

[Cut to video clip of Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer]

Nancy Pelosi: Mr. Vice President, Mr. Vice President, it’s Pelosi again.

Chuck Schumer: Tell him I’m here too.

Nancy Pelosi: Mr. Vice President, where is President Trump? What is he doing this stop this?

Chuck Schumer: And Hi, Mike. It’s Chuck Schumer. I’m here as well.

Nancy Pelosi: Let me tell you, if Trump comes here now, I’m gonna punch him in the face. Right in the face. I’ll go to jail, but I’ll be happy.

Chuck Schumer: And let me tell you if Trump comes I’m gonna let him punch me in the face. I’ll go to the hospital, free soup.

Bennie Thompson: Yeah, not sure Schumer needs to be in all these clips. Miss Cheney, any final thoughts?

Liz Cheney: The fact is Trump planned to declare victory no matter the results. Look at this video of the president the day before the election,

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: You know the votes don’t matter. I’ve always said that that the votes don’t matter at all. Because what even is a vote? It’s just a piece of paper you fold up and put it in a hat a guy shakes it around. And I’m gonna say it by the way, he had a great hat, didn’t he? It was very tall. He borrowed it from Apollo Creed who is a very close friend of mine. We talk on the phone every day. Our wives their friends. He should never have died in that ring. Obama told him to fight Drago and then he gets whacked in the head and boom, where’s the Obamacare? So now, we don’t vote. We don’t vote. [door knocking] It’s open. [someone brings him a can of coke] Thank you very much. Is Mike Pence dead yet?

Bennie Thompson: All right. I think we’ve seen quite enough. Let us now take a vote. Should we subpoena President Trump and force him to testify before this committee?

Liz Cheney: Yes, we must. And this vote is not just an empty gesture. He will testify.

Jamie Raskin: That’s right. He will get on a plane and leave Florida where he is beloved. And he will fly to Washington where he is hated. And he will answer my questions. Questions like, “Hey, who do you think you are, mister?”

Mr. Kinzinger: Trump is 100% coming and this time he will be held accountable? Sure, he got away with a lot of stuff in the 70s, the 80s, the 90s, the early 2000s, the 2010s and the early 2020s. But that ends now with us because I’m [looks at his table name plate] Mr. Kinzinger, and he will respect my authority.

Bennie Thompson: All right, well, I can already see this is a complete zero. I want to thank my colleagues for throwing away their summers and in some cases, their careers to serve on this committee.

Jamie Raskin: Ain’t no problem. My calendar was empty.

Liz Cheney: I do have a couple of regrets.

Bennie Thompson: America, I don’t know what more we could possibly show you, except maybe this clip of Nancy Pelosi saying poo poo.

[Cut to a video clip of Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer]

Nancy Pelosi: There is poopoo. There is poopoo on the walls of the Capitol.

Chuck Schumer: What’s that?

Nancy Pelosi: I said they are smearing poopoo  onthe walls with poopoo.

Chuck Schumer: Oh, poop poop. See? That’s what happens with too much mustard.

Bennie Thompson: All right. Well, we tried. It was a fun country while it lasted.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night

Message from the DNC

Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Chuck Schumer… Alex Moffat

Diane Feinstein… Cecily Strong

Tim Kaine… Mikey Day

Donna Brazile… Leslie Jones

Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: And now a message from the democratic national committee.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi in her set]

Nancy Pelosi: This Tuesday, American went to the poll.

[Cut to Chuck Schumer]

Chuck Schumer: And they told president Trump, “We don’t like what you’re doing at all, sir.”

[Cut to Diane Feinstein]

Diane Feinstein: And now, one thing is clear. We’re back, baby.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi]

Nancy Pelosi: The dems are back.

[Cut to Tim Kaine]

Tim Kaine: [in foreign language.] We’re back!

[Cut to Chuck Schumer and Diane Feinstein]

Chuck Schumer and Diane Feinstein: You love us again.

Chuck Schumer: And we haven’t felt this confident since the day before Trump won.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi]

Nancy Pelosi: You love our fresh new ideas delivered by fresh new faces like me, Nancy Pelosi.

[Cut to Diane Feinstein]

Diane Feinstein: And me, Diane Feinstein.

[Cut to Chuck Schumer]

Chuck Schumer: And me, Chuck Schumer.

[Cut to Tim Kaine]

Tim Kaine: [in foreign language] I’m Tim Kaine.

[Cut to Donna Brazile]

Donna Brazile: And I’m team player, Donna Brazile.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi]

Nancy Pelosi: And we also have some great new leaders waiting in the wings like hot young thing, Elizabeth Warren. And also, that’s right.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: It’s Biden Time.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: And I’m still around too.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi and Diane Feinstein]

Diane Feinstein: And together, we are going to end the spirit of divisiveness in this country by focusing on how we won the governor’s faces in two of the 10 states we care about.

Nancy Pelosi: And we learned our lesson from the election. We can’t just appeal to coastal elites. We need mouth breathers from Wisconsin.

Diane Feinstein: And window lickers from Ohio as well.

Nancy Pelosi: And we know what Americans really care about is jobs.

Diane Feinstein: Jobs, like smuggling immigrants across the border.

Nancy Pelosi: And converting confederate monuments into statues of prominent lesbian poets.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: And we’re going to lace into people if they don’t say what’s politically correct. Like these comics out there who think it’s okay to make jokes about concentration camps. That guy should rot in he..

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer and Diane Feinstein]

Chuck Schumer: The dems are back, and we don’t stop now because we need another path for our country.

Diane Feinstein: Another vision for America.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Another chance for me, Hillary Rodham Clinton. Just one more chance, and maybe more more chance after that. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Donna Brazile]

Donna Brazile: I thought she was dead.

[Cut to Chuck Schumer and Diane Feinstein]

Chuck Schumer: We need bold leadership.

Diane Feinstein: And new blood.

[Cut to ‘Not Hillary’. She is Hillary Clinton wearing a fake mustache.]

Not Hillary: I think the Hillary idea could still work.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Diane Feinstein and Tim Kaine]

Chuck Schumer: This is our time.

Diane Feinstein: Our time.

Tim Kaine: Yo soy, Tim Kaine.

Nancy Pelosi: And just wait till Bernie transfers his millennial voters over to new leader.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: No. If you like it, you should have put a ring on it. Pass!

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Diane Feinstein and Tim Kaine]

Diane Feinstein: So, watch out, America.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Because the dems are back.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Diane Feinstein and Tim Kaine]

Diane Feinstein: We’re back.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: We’re back, baby.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Diane Feinstein and Tim Kaine]

Tim Kaine: Wi ado, senor, Trump.

All: Because the dems are back.

[Donna Brazile walks in]

Donna Brazile: I will destroy all of this.

Male voice: This ad was paid for by Mark Cuban for republican president.

PBS Democratic Debate Cold Open

Judy Woodruff… Heidi Gardner

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Andrew Yang… Bowen Yang

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Amy Klobuchar… Rachel Dratch

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis

Michael Bloomberg… Fred Armisen

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Democratic Debate intro]

Announcer: You’re watching Democratic Debate on PBS.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

[cheers and applause]

Judy Woodruff: Hello, I’m Judy Woodruff and welcome to the Democratic Debate. Just like the bachelor, the further we go, the less diverse it gets. So, lets begin. From Massachusetts, it’s senator Elizabeth Warren.

Elizabeth Warren: Woo! In here, and I am in my element. PBS is my safe word. Last debate I gave you policy TMI and now I am ready to walk in.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Also in the debate stage tonight is Andrew Yang.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: Well, my candidacy will be completely ignored by the media. That’s why I’ll conduct the rest of the debate in virtual reality! [Andrew Yang puts on his VR console on.] In here, I’m the front-runner.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff”

Judy Woodruff: He is the mayor of South Bend, Indiana. It’s Pete Buttigieg.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Hello, thanks you. It’s wonderful to be here tonight but I have to warn everyone tonight, I’ll be in attack mode, as long as it’s okay with you guys.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: The senator from Minnesota, Amy Klobuchar.

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

[cheers and applause]

Amy Klobuchar: The bang is glued, girlfriend. And tonight, my voice will be as solid as my carefully rehearsed mid western mom jokes.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: The senator from Vermont, Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I’m Bernie Sanders. I’m white, can’t help it. Let’s move on.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Vice president Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Hey, all right.

[cheers and applause]

Hey. Notice anything different about me? Grandpa Joe got the glow up. I was Irish man. Younger, yep. Taller, sure. Better, no.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: And businessman Tom  St — wait. Mayor Bloomberg?

[Cut to Michael Cloomberg]

[cheers and applause]

Michael Cloomberg: Oopsie. Classic billionaire switcharoo.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Mr. Bloomberg, you did not qualify for this debate. How did you get here?

[Cut to Michael Cloomberg]

Michael Cloomberg: Well, for $Andrew Yang0 million, PBS is now owned by viewers like me. Look, I even got a tote bag.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Before we begin with the questions, does anyone want to prove they’re presidential by starting a petty little fight?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren, raising hand desperately]

Elizabeth Warren: Yes! Yes! Judy, I just want to point out to everybody that mayor Pete here, held a billionaire fundraiser in a wine cave with crystals, dripping candelabras, basically “eyes wide shut” minus any sex appeal, whatsoever. Now, look, I’ve never even been to a wine cave. I haven’t even been to filene’s basement. Too much shimmer and shine.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Okay, I would just like to point something out, I’m the only person on the stage who isn’t a millionaire or a billionaire. I live on my mayor’s salary plus $Elizabeth Warren0 a week allowance from my parents, and that’s only if I do my chores.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Senator Klobuchar, you’re looking assertive today. Is there something you would like to add?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: Yes. The only cave I ever go to is a man cave. I call it ‘The senate.’ For more of these classic zingers, please check out my stand-up special, “Land of Judy Woodruff0,000 laughs,” only streaming Costco+ streaming service.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Hey, hey, quit picking on little Bo Pete over here. Kid’s trying his best. Speaking of, have you noticed that I’m playing with almost a full deck of cards tonight, huh? I haven’t even told the long rambling story yet, but I got one locked and loaded. Here it comes. [snaps his fingers] The year was Judy WoodruffKamala Harris whoops-a-daisy, and my pale white ass is strutting down the mean streets of Wilmington when I come across a group of fellas singing some doo-wop tunes surrounding a– one of those flaming trash can. Now, I know I need to be racially sensitive here, but it’s important for you to know his name was Ol’ Black Charlie.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: See, this is exactly why we need  to have more candidates of diversity on the stage.

[Kamala Harris walks in with a martini in her hand]

Kamala Harris: Oh, I could not agree more.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Senator Harris, what are you doing here? You dropped out, remember?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, is this a debate? I had no idea. I was just in the neighborhood. But while I’m here, I just want to show you how good you could have had it, America. You withheld your donations, and I got tired of waiting, so I walked my fine ass out the door. You could have had a bad bitch.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Mr. Sanders, I’d ask you to also comment on the declining diversity in the debate field? I know you just want to talk about climate change.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Of course I do. Look at me. Are you really surprised that my main concern is the temperature? At my house, I have a sharpie on the thermostat so I know if you move it. And let me tell you, no matter how hot the earth gets, I will not wear shorts. I swim in corduroy. Google “Bernie Sanders’ legs.” No results. Let’s keep it that way.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Okay, I think we should move on. Senator Klobuchar, do you believe the next president has a duty to fight corruption?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: Yes. When our next president is inaugurated, I think SHE will make SHE-ure that people are HER-d!

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: I don’t know what’s going on, but I just wanna say I love the ladies. Okay? Even these tough broads. I have the utmost respect for all Lizzy woo and senator Kambucho over there. I do.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Maybe we need to have fewer debates. I think you’re hurting your cause.

[Cut to a speaker standing in front of Bernie Sanders and Amy Klobuchar]

Speaker: Speaking of hurting our cause?

Amy Klobuchar: Why you here?

Speaker: Democrats, I’ll get you, my party, and your little mayor, Too. [laughing evilly]

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Speaking of drama, president Trump was impeached this week. Assuming he is still candidate, can you beat him in

[Cuyt to Michael Cloomberg]

Michael Cloomberg: Probably not. I’m just doing this to get my steps in.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Senator Sanders, same question.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Look, Trump is the most corrupt president in our history and he’s not the only one lying to the American public. Amazon lies. Apple lies. Even my iPhone lies. Every time it says it’s at Judy Woodruff% battery, it stays on for at least Elizabeth Warren0 minutes. But then other times, it is at Joe Biden%, shuts down immediately.go figure! Apple, what are you trying to hide? And what is my password?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Look. Look. I’ll still beat Trump. Because when he gets to the senate judiciary committee, he’s going to wish he never heard my name.

[music playing][rapping]

It’s pronounced Kamala 

it rhymes with Pamala

it ain’t Camilla Cabello

it’s just Kamala

[music stops]

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Well, candidates, you’ve all spent the last two years talking smack about president Trump. But what if I told you — [Cut to Donald Trump in the backstage] He’s been backstage the whole time and he’s heard everything you said.  Come on out, Mr. President!

[Donald Trump walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump. You think I’m scared? You think I’m nervous? What are you going to do? Impeach me? Losers! Impeach me outside, okay? How about that? Impeach me outside!

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: This is ridiculous. Why is he here?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: So people will actually watch this little freak show. This is the best the dems cosmetic come up with? Pocahontas? Sleepy Joe? I’m just gonna riff on some new ones. Mayor butt. Klobuchart. That’s good, that’s good. Scrooge McDuck, Ben and Jerry’s.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: Okay!

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: There are no rules now that I’m impeached. You had it easy with Donald Trump Delirious, but now you’re going to get Donald Trump Raw, baby.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Listen up, Bucko. I challenge to you a push-up contest. Talking me, you, shirts off, nips out, first guy to do one wins. What do you say?

Donald Trump: Go ahead. I’m not afraid of anything.

[Nancy Pelosi walks in]

Nancy Pelosi: Are you sure you’re not afraid of anything?

Donald Trump: Oh, my god! Nancy Pelosi. I thought it was Krampus! Did you read the letter I sent you?

Nancy Pelosi: Oh, the one that was six pages, single spaced like a serial killer? No. I didn’t read it. I’m sorry. But I brought you two gifts Mr. President. They’re the articles of impeachment.

Donald Trump: Oh! Great! Give it to Mitch in the senate, and everything is gravy, baby.

Nancy Pelosi: Okay, but here’s the thing. You know how sometimes you get a gift and you like it so much that you keep it as a gift for yourself?

Donald Trump: You can’t do that.

Nancy Pelosi: Well, watch me. Good luck at the state of the union. Oh! And one more thing.

Everybody: Live from New York it’s Saturday Night!

Weekend Update Nancy Pelosi Prays for Donald TrumpPrays for Donald Trump

Colin Jost

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set.]

Colin Jost: This week, Nancy Pelosi was asked by a reporter if she hates president Trump. Here to comment, Nancy Pelosi.

[Nancy Pelosi slides in]

Nancy Pelosi: Hello.

Colin Jost: Hi, Nancy. That journalist seem to really get under you skin with that question.

[Cut to Nancy Peolsi]

Nancy Pelosi: You know, you never know who is self-identifying as a journalist these days. That word doesn’t mean what it used to. Thank you for the lively debate. Breitbart, Ryan Seacrest.

[Cut to Nancy Peolsi and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah, that reporter. Another reporter also asked if you felt bad for putting the country through whole impeachment process.

Nancy Pelosi: Everybody needs to understand, [Cut to Nancy Peolsi] I am not impeaching Trump because I hate him. I’m impeaching him because of rules. Look, I didn’t want any of this. Remember, it’s not my fault that we’re in this position. It is Trump’s fault. It is not the life guard’s fault for evacuating the pool. It is the rich kids who took a duke in the deep end.

[Cut to Nancy Peolsi and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You said that you pray for Trump. Do you actually pray for Trump?

Nancy Pelosi: Yes, I pray for him all the time. I’ll do it right now. [Cut to Nancy Peolsi. She joins her hands and starts praying] Lord, help president Trump. If he has to be president, please make him a little better at any of it. Please take him. Not to heaven or anything. Just somewhere else. Just for a little while. Mama needs a break.

[Cut to Nancy Peolsi and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And these are prayers?

Nancy Pelosi: Yes. Shh! [Cut to Nancy Peolsi] Dear lord almighty, teach him your values and help him understand the gold rule, what it means, and that it’s not a sex thing. God help him with his cares and concerns, like help him to have them about anyone or anything. Here’s an idea. Maybe place a curse on him like in the movie “Liar, liar,” where he is forced to tell the truth for just one week. Come on, lord, even you know that’d be funny.

[Cut to Nancy Peolsi and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: These prayers are a little passive aggressive.

Nancy Pelosi: No, no. Some of them are aggressive. Some of them are aggressive, aggressive. [Cut to Nancy Peolsi] Lord, please watch over Trump organization being run by Eric. Yikes! Please heal the republicans in the senate who all tragically lost their balls. And finally, please bless Lindsey Graham with a baby that’s black and gay.

[Cut to Nancy Peolsi and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Nancy Pelosi here, everyone.

Nancy Pelosi: I’ll pray for you Colin.

Weekend Update: Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer | Season 44 Episode 13

Colin Jost

Chuck Shumer… Alex Moffat

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost on his new set]

Colin Jost: In the wake of what is being called a political victory, democratic leaders have cautioned their rank and file not to gloat or celebrate the outcome excessively. Here to comment are senator minority leader Chuck Schumer and speaker of the house, Nancy Pelosi.

[Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi come in]

[Cheers and applause]

Chuck Schumer: No, no, no, don’t make it – You’re being silly.

Colin Jost: Now, many are saying you ran rings around the president in the wall negotiation and yet you’ve decided not to gloat?

[Cut to Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi]

Chuck Schumer: What is there to gloat about? I mean the president is a very tough negotiator.

Nancy Pelosi: We are actually– we are devastated with the outcome.

Chuck Schumer: Um-hmm. That’s correct. The truth is, Colin, the president ate our lunch.

Nancy Pelosi: He ate our lunch, he ate his lunch, he at all the lunches. He likes lunch. [Nancy Pelosi starts crying]

Chuck Schumer: You said you wouldn’t. You promised you wouldn’t.

Nancy Pelosi: No, I’m so bad. Okay, okay. This is very serious. See Colin, the president really did whip our butts here.

Chuck Schumer: Um-hmm, and that’s just one reason I’m sitting on hemorrhoid cushion right now. [Nancy Pelosi starts crying again] Wowy!

[Cut to Colin, Nancy and Chuck]

Colin Jost: All right. Okay. Guys! The  president did come away with a lot less money than he was asking for. He only got a fraction of his wall money.

Nancy Pelosi: What? Colin, are you sure about that? It was probably a big fraction, Right?

Chuck Schumer: Yeah. It would have to be a big fraction. A big, big fraction.

Colin Jost: Yeah, well, it was only 2.3% of the total amount you need.

[Cut to Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi]

Nancy Pelosi: 2%? Well,  that sounds like a lot to me.

Chuck Schumer: 2%. I can’t even drink milk that rich – I’d explode.

[Cut to Colin, Nancy and Chuck]

Nancy Pelosi: Thank you, Colin. We have been humiliated.

[Cut to Colin, Nancy and Chuck]

Chuck Schumer: We wanted something sure, but he gave us everything.

Nancy Pelosi: Daddy, though, Colin. Daddy real tough.

Chuck Schumer: I can only imagine what Ann Coulter is saying about us. Let’s have a look. [Chuck Schumer takes his phone out] Okay, and Coulter says, “The only national emergency is that our president is an idiot.”

Nancy Pelosi: What?

Chuck Schumer: Well, that’s not very nice. I thought she liked him.

Nancy Pelosi: That’s shocking. I was shocked when I printed that out this morning. [Nancy takes a framed newspaper article out]

Colin Jost: All right. That seems like gloating. That’s gloating.

Nancy Pelosi: Okay.

Chuck Schumer: You got us.

Colin Jost: Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer everyone.

Women of Congress | Season 44 Episode 12

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor

Maxine Waters… Leslie Jones

Kyrsten Sinema… Cecily Strong

Annie Kuster… Aidy Bryant

Abigail Spanberger… Heidi Gardner

Rashida Tlaib… Halsey

[Starts with intro of Women of Congress]

Narrator: Once upon a time, there were women. And then they became fed up women. And then they became congress women. They fight crime, they right wrongs. They wear white. But they\re not all white and we love them. They’re the Women of Congress! Featuring [Cut to Nancy Pelosi clapping] Nancy ‘Madam Clap Back’ Pelosi.

Nancy Pelosi: I’m so woke. I can’t close my eyes.

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez using her mobile phone]

Narrator: Alexandria ‘I Say What I meme’ [Alexandria throws her phone to hit the security guard] Ocasio-Cortez.

Melissa Villaseñor: You’retrying to rip apart my green new deal. Leave me alone, I will dog walk you.

[Cut to Maxine Waters showing off her kung-fu moves]

Narrator: Maxine ‘Don’t Go Chasing’ Waters.

Maxine Waters: They call me auntie Maxine but I’m gonna make Trump say ‘Uncle’.

[Cut to Kyrsten Sinema]

Narrator: Kyrsten ‘Kookie Arizona Lady’ Sinema.

Kyrsten Sinema: I used to be in the house. But now I’m in the senate. I’m bicameral, bipartisan, and bi. Deal with it.

[Cut to Ilhan Omar climbing the building from the outside]

Narrator: Ilhan ‘Get The Hi-Job Done’ Omar.

Ilhan Omar: I’m a proud Muslim woman and proud American. When Ted Cruz sees me, he crosses the street.

[Cut to Annie Kuster]

Narrator: Annie ‘Raise the Roof ’Kuster.

[Annie raising her hand up and down]

Annie Kuster: Raise the roof! And break that glass ceiling.

[Cut to Abigail Spanberger showing her Kung-fu moves]

Narrator: Abigail, ‘Say My Name, Say My Name’ Spanberger.

Abigail Spanberger: My opponents thought he could hurt me by saying a vote for me was a vote for Nancy Pelosi.

[Nancy joins Abigail]

Nancy Pelosi: Uh-huh. How did that work out? Good?

[Cut to Rashida Tlaib]

Narrator: And Rashida ‘Impeach The Mother****’ Tlaib.

Rashida Tlaib: Impeach the mother** [Bleep]. Bitch!

Narrator: They are the Women of Congress.

[Cut to video clip of White house]

[Cut to all Women of Congress inside a room]

Nancy Pelosi: Ladies, this is a message from President Trump.

[Cut to Nancy Pelosi playing the voice message]

Donald Trump: Congratulations, women of congress. You know, since I’ve been president, we have more women serving in congress than ever before.

[Cut to Annie Kuster]

Annie Kuster: You don’t get to take credit for that.

[Cut to Rashida Tlaib]

Rashida Tlaib: That is not because of you. That’s in spite of you!

[Cut to everyone complaining out loud] [Cut to Rashida Tlaib breaks the speaker from there the message isplayin]

[Cut to Maxine Waters]

Maxine Waters: And you’re not rich!

[Cut to outro of The Women of Congress]

Narrator: They are the women of congress!

Deal or No Deal Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 10

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

President Trump… Alec

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

Chuck Schumer… Alex Moffat

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Melissa Villaseñor

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

Maxine Waters… Leslie Jones

Cory Booker… Chris Redd

Steve King… Mikey Day

Pete Davidson

[Starts with intro of Deal or No Deal]

Narrator: And now it’s time for “Deal or No Deal”. Government shut down edition. With your host, Howie Mandell!

[Cut to the host on the stage. The host turns around. He is Steve Harvey, not Howie Mandell]

Steve Harvey: Sorry about that, players. I’m sorry. It’s me, Steve Harvey. Howie’s out sick. He’s a germophobe. But yesterday I was like, “Come on, Howie, shake one person’s hand”, and he shook it. Two hours later, Ebola. I’m sorry, you were right Howie. Alright now, our government has been shut down for like a month. I spent two hours yesterday at TSA yesterday in Atlanta. They thought I was smuggling extra teeth in my mouth. Let’s bring out the guy who said he would own the shut down. He’s the president, and we’ve both got neck ties long enough that would get caught in a roomba. Please welcome Donald Trump!

[Cut to the stage. Steve Harvey is standing and Donald Trump walks in] [Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Thanks Steve, tremendous to be here. Just tremendous.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Steve Harvey: Okay now, earlier today you went on the TV and you told the American people that you want to make a deal.

Donald Trump: That’s right, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: All right, so we decided to do this in the only format that you can understand, a TV game show with women holding briefcases. Alright, [Cut to Donald Trump] now in your briefcase here, you’ve the deal that congress offered you in December.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Donald Trump: And I said no deal. [Donald closes the button] [Ring]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Yeah. Nobody’s excited about that player. What was your counter offer today?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I want $5 billion for my border wall, and in exchange I’ll extend DACA, and I’ll release the kids from cages so they can be free-range kids.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Well, let’s see the members of congress that are willing to offer you a new deal so this nonsense can go away.

[Cut to people with briefcases standing in two rows]

Alright, [Cut to Steve and Donald] what do say, Mr. President?

Donald Trump: Five.

Steve Harvey: You want to open briefcase number five?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, I’m saying a lot of these women are fives.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: On the day of the women’s march.

Donald Trump: Okay, [Cut to Donald Trump] then I choose case number three. Fancy Nancy Paloser. I’m still working on the nickname.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Steve Harvey: That’s a great start player. Okay, speaker of the house, Nancy Pelosi. Nancy, how are you feeling tonight?

[Cut to Nancy Palosi]

Nancy Palosi: Just normal. Not like drunk on my own power or anything. [Nancy looks at the camera and smirks]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Now you rejected the president’s offer this afternoon.

[Cut to Nancy Palosi]

Nancy Palosi: Well, I’m afraid I did which is a real shame because I hate saying no to you, Mr. Trump. [Nancy looks at the camera and smirks]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay. I’m scared. Let’s see what’s in the briefcase, Nancy.

[Cut to Nancy Palosi]

Nancy Palosi: Okay. [Nancy opens the briefcase] $1 billion, and you say Nancy is mommy.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, $1 billion for border security. That’s a lot of money.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yeah, but it’s not $5 billion, and I need $5 billion because that’s the first random number I said. [Cut to Steve and Donald] No deal. [Donald closes the button]

[Nancy walks to Donald on stage]

Nancy Palosi: Oh, no. [Cut to Nancy and Donald] We’re still fighting Mr. Trump?

Donald Trump: My god, you almost gave me a heart attack.

Nancy Palosi: I’m sorry, Mr. President. If the government’s shutdown you can’t do the state of the union. It’s for security reasons, not because I’m vindictive or anything.

Donald Trump: I can’t do the State of the Union. Then guess what? You’re not flying to Afghanistan.

Nancy Palosi: Oh, no! I can’t go on my vacation to a war zone? What will I do?

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Boy, this is like watching two grandparents fighting over the thermostat. Alright Nancy, you had your chance. Donny, let’s pick another one please.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I’ll take that older Jewish woman on case four.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, that’s Chuck Schumer.

[Cut to Chuck Schumer holding his briefcase]

Chuck Schumer: Oh, that’s okay. I’m very happy for any attention.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay Chuck, show what is your offer?

[Cut to Chuck Schumer]

Chuck Schumer: Okay, my offer is, [Chuck opens the briefcase] whatever you want.

[Nancy walks to Chuck]

Nancy Palosi: Chuck, we’re not going that anymore. Remember we’re not caving like that.

Chuck Schumer: Oh right, yeah, [Nancy leaves] projecting strength. Okay. Let me put on my fiery red cheetas. Okay, my new offer is $15 and a pastrami on RYE.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Steve Harvey: Okay, “Deal or No Deal”, Mr. President. And remember, every time you choose no deal, a half a million federal employees work another day without getting paid.

Donald Trump: Cool story bro. No deal. [Donald closes the button]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh man. Well, speaking of getting paid, I need to thank our sponsors tonight.

[Cut to a picture of Green Beef]

Green Beef. Yeah, shouldn’t be green, but ain’t nobody at the FDA there to inspect it.

[Cut to picture of an old lady swimming in an ocean with a tube]

And also, Old Lady in Inner Tube Way Out in the Ocean. Getting the coast guard will be back soon. Hang in there Beth.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Alright, let’s pick again player.

Donald Trump: I sure will, player.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, hey, it don’t work both ways. I ain’t Kanye.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, I will go with case nine, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, that’s playboy Mitch McConnell.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell trying to hide behind his briefcase]

No Mitch, you can’t just disappear in the middle of this. Come on now. Poke your head back out your shell. We got a nice little juicy piece of lettuce for you. [Cut to Steve Harvey] Well, he ain’t going to be much help Mr. President. But I have to ask, who are you playing for tonight?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I’m playing for a little charity called Habitat for Hannity. [Cut to picture of Sean Hannity] It helps Sean Hannity build a second beach house.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh man, let’s just pick another number.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Let’s go with five, Steve.

Steve Harvey: Okay. [Cut to Maxine Waters holding her briefcase] That’s congress woman Maxine Waters.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: As I’ve said many times before, Maxine is a very low IQ person.

[Cut to Maxine Waters]

Maxine Waters: Uh-huh. Well, just a reminder I can now subpoena your tax returns whenever I want.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Like I said, she’s a genius, beautiful, a true missionary.

[Cut to Maxine Waters]

Maxine Waters: Yeah, that’s what I thought mother.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: All right, why don’t you choose again?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, who’s on case 8? Is that Cardi B?

[Cut to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez holding her briefcase]

Steve Harvey: Um, no player. That’s Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: That’s okay. Trump and the GOP are just terrified of me because I’m under 100 and I know how to use Instagram. I mean just look at Mitch McConnell, he is already “Bird Boxing”.

[Cut to Mitch McConnel blindfolded]

Mitch McConnel : I can hear the girl. Stay away.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know what? Why don’t we just open three cases real quick and get this over with? Cory Booker?

[Cut to Cory Booker. He opens his briefcase. It’s written “Booker 2020”]

Cory Booker: Booker 2020.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, my god, not another one. Congressman Steve King from Iowa.

[Cut to Steve King. He opens the briefcase. It’s written “Whites”]

Steve King: Whites.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, at least the guy is consistent. Alright, wait a second. This time it is Cardi B.

[Cut to Cardi B holding her briefcase]

Cardi B:  This ain’t my business, but [Cardi B opens her briefcase] sh-money.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, you know what? This government going to be shut down for like a year. Let’s take a quick break.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, wait. I want to open the case from the Clemson football player.

[Cut to Pete wearing Clemson jersey and holding a crave case]

Steve Harvey: Okay. That’s not a briefcase. That’s a crave case from white castle.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, I’d still like to have them opened Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh my god. Okay fine. Open the case please.

[Cut to Pete . He opens the crave case]

Pete Davidson: Hamberders.

[Cut to Steve and Donald]

Donald Trump: Oh, Steve. I haven’t eaten a hamburger in almost 15 minutes. I’m going to make that deal. [Donald hits the deal button]

Steve Harvey: What? You are ending the shut down for a hamburger? Well I guess that makes as much [Pete walks to the stage and hands over the base to Donald Trump] sense as anyone going on these days–

Steve, Donald and Pete: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!