College Panel

Aidy Bryant

Anya Taylor-Joy

Max… Pete Davidson

Naomi… Ego Nwodim

Elliot… Bowen Yang

Natalie… Heidi Gardner

Chess… Punkie Johnson

[Starts with two ladies  hosting the college panel]

Aidy: Good afternoon, fellow students of NYU’s film studies department and thank you for tuning into live stream of our final guest panel of the year.

Anya: Please join us in welcoming our distinguished artist today. The cast members of HBO’s hit comedy and my favorite show “Roommates in the city”.

[Cut to the cast members of the show]

[cheers and applause]

Aidy: Our fellow students have submitted questions about comedy, your show and social issues. And we cannot wait to hear your answers. Specially from break out heart drop, Max.

Max: Oh. Hey everyone. Hi.

Anya: Max, stop. This is so fun. Okay, the first question is for Max. How do you come up with ideas for your character?

Max: Honestly, I don’t know. I just say what I think will be funny.

[Aidy and Anya laughing in a flirting way]

Aidy: Totally. Okay, so this next question is also for Max. Do you prefer blondes or brunetts?

Max: That’s tough, but blondes.

[Aidy and Anya laughing in a flirting way looking at each other]

Aidy: Okay. And Naomi, as a black woman, could you please explain race?

Naomi: Okay. Wow. That’s a very cool question for me. Well, I’m a comedian, so my priority is just being funny.

Anya: Um. Now back to Max. Frisbees or dogs?

Max: Frisbees or dogs? That’s tough. But I’m going to have to go with frisbees. Because you can toss it into a friend.

Aidy: Aw! And for Elliot. How has being gay and Chinese prevented you from being happy?

Elliot: Do you want to rephrase that?

Anya: Interesting. Okay, for everyone else, there’s a question submitted by Fran G. “I’ve never seen the show but I can see that two of you are gay, two of you are black, one of you is Asian and some of you are girls.” Elliot, let’s start with you.

Elliot: That was not a question.

Natalie: I just want to say I like dogs more than frisbees.

Anya: We’ll get to you. Max, what’s it like to work with celebrities?

Max: That’s tough. I mean, working with celebrities could be weird but ultimately, it’s awesome.

[Aidy and Anya laughing in a flirting way]

Aidy: That sounds fun. And for queer cast members, “What’s it like to do comedy in a world that cavalierly mocks your existence.

Elliot: Okay. Are there questions that are fun or about the show or less devastating?

Anya: Oh, yes, sure. What’s the typical page to stage process?

Chess: Okay. Well, that’s a great question. So, normally, we start pitching ideas. And here’s a funny story. One time–

Aidy: [interrupting] Oh, that’s great. And here’s a follow up for Max, it is so fun. Is it so fun having a hot and famous wife?

Max: Yes. It’s so fun. She’s so hot.

Aidy: Amazing. And back to Natalie. For a follow up. Here’s an extremely sad quote of your’s that I’ve taken out of context. “I hate myself and I have major body issues.” My question for you is is that bad for you?

Natalie: Yeah, it is bad.

Anya: Awesome. And Naomi, what advice do you have for survivors of terrorist attacks when it comes to breaking into the comedy community?

Naomi: Why is that my question? I mean, I guess I would say– You know. No. Bail. Pass. Not doing it. No.

Aidy: how about you, Natalie?

Natalie: Pass.

Anya: Max, do you like soda?

Max: Yeah, it tastes so good.

Aidy: And Natalie, why didn’t you go to standing rock?

Natalie: Pass.

Anya: Max, what’s your favorite pizza topping?

Max: Oh, cheese.

Aidy: Elliot, you’re a gay homo, yeah?

Elliot: Yep.

Aidy: And Chess, you’re girl gay, so no wear dress?

Chess: Yeah.

Aidy: Max, Playstation

Max: Playstation.

[Aidy and Anya laughing in a flirting way]

Anya: Naomi, if god gave you option to be white, would you take it?

Naomi: Girl, I’m not answering that. No.

Aidy: Okay. Elliot, if Starbucks made an ice tea that made you straight, would you sip it?

Elliot: Okay, I have a question. I’m gay, so I can hit you, right?

Anya: Max, Hannah El says, “If you ever cheat on your wife, please consider me.”

Max: Aw, that’s really awesome.

Aidy: And Natalie, marital rape is still not a crime in all Elliot0 states. What will you as a female comedian do about that?

Natalie: You two are really bad at this.

Anya: Wow! This has been great panel. Unfortunately, that’s all the time we have.

Aidy: Yeah. We’re signing off but we’re dropping all the panelist cell phone numbers in the chat so you can contact them with any lingering questions.

Panelists: Please do not do that.

Max: Awesome, text me. Yeah.

The Naomi Show

Naomi.. Gal Gadot

Vanessa… Aidy Bryant

AJ… Heidi Gardner

Wall… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with The Naomi Show intro]

[Cut to Naomi in her set]

Naomi: Welcome back to Naomi. Today, we’re talking to moms about their terrible teens. Our next guest is Vanessa Rogers who is having a problem with her daughter.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa, how are you?

Vanessa: Real bad, Naomi. AJ is 13. And she’s physically abusive, she curses, she calls our minister a bitch. And I found so many straws in her room. I don’t know if they are used for drugs but they scare me. Okay? I blame myself coz she has no father figure.

[Cut to Naomi]

Naomi: Vanessa, I’m going to help you today. Today’s children sit around and play video games. Where I’m from, we had to grow up tough. And it sounds like AJ needs some tough love. AJ, come on out.

[AJ walks in with hands full of straws. The audience booing.]

AJ: Oh, screw you all. Go on. Go on. Hate on me. You know, y’all are jealous of me and my straws because you don’t even know what I use them for.

Naomi: Okay. That’s enough. AJ, take a seat. [AJ sits beside Vanessa] We’ve been talking to your mother and it sounds like you’re out of control. This has to stop today.

AJ: Naomi, I run things so much in my house that sometimes she calls me mom.

Naomi: Vanessa, is that true?

Vanessa: On occasion, yes.

Naomi: Well, on my show, no one gets bossed around. AJ, meet sergeant Wall.

[sirens]

[Wall walks in]

Wall: Well, well, well. What do we have here? You must think you bad, huh? [Wall grabs AJ by her hand and pulls her front roughly] You wanna get you act together, young lady?

AJ: Nah!

Wall: You wanna be good in school?

AJ: Hah, nah!

Wall: What about that woman right there? Do you love that woman? You love her, right?

AJ: No.

Wall: You need to learn some respect. There is an opening in my boot camp for the next eight weeks. You can come live with me. Do you want me to be your daddy?

AJ: Yes, sir.

Wall: What?

AJ: yes, sir. I want you to be my daddy.

Wall: You do? You sure you want me to be your daddy?

AJ: Yeah. I have no daddy. But wait. Now, I do have a daddy. You are my daddy.

Wall: Well, I mean, you know, let’s just–

Vanessa: Oh, wow, this is not what I expected.

Naomi: This is obviously what AJ needs.

AJ: Tyler, Regan, all my friends watching at home, meet my dad!

Naomi: We are witnessing a live adoption, ladies and gentlemen.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to 5 in audience]

5: Um, excuse me. Excuse me. I work for the state and we’d love to help. We can make this done today. Hah?

[cheers and applause]

Wall: No. I think that might set a bad example. We should try to go through the proper channels.

AJ: Um, dad, I think we did. Because you just said you’re my dad, dad!

Vanessa: It is so good to have a man around the house again. And we can figure out the nature of our relationship. But let it be known, sergeant, that my vote is sexual.

Wall: Well, I am already in a relationship.

Vanessa: Okay. Well, then, I will be a side piece.

Naomi: No, no, no. No way. We don’t do that on my show. Sergeant wall, this is your family now. And you are going to treat them right.

AJ: I benefit from boundaries and stability. And dad, I’m happy to say I’m off my straws!

[AJ throws the straws away]

Wall: Okay. Y’all know I’m not really a sergeant, right? I mean, my name is Craig Willis. I’m an actor. You might have seen me on ‘Moesha’.

AJ: We don’t care what your job is, daddy. We love you.

Naomi: This is one of the most wonderful shows we’ve ever had. The birth of a family.

Vanessa:  Well. And, we’re expecting another.

Wall: Oh, damn! Okay.

Naomi: Another teen saved with a little tough love. When we come back, we’ll meet Paul, whose mother says he has never drank a glass of water.

 

Spencers Gifts HQ

Nathan… Mikey Day

Jennifer… Cecily Strong

Tom… Kenan Thompson

Naomi… Aidy Bryant

Octavia Spencer

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with colleagues in a meeting]

Nathan: I’m just saying, if we have one more bad quarter, it will be the end of Spencer’s Gifts.

Jennifer: Yeah. And whose fault is it, Nathan?  You haven’t made a good new product in months.

Tom: Look who’s talking.

Naomi: Um, okay, why is everyone fighting? Spencer’s is supposed to be about making people laugh.

Nathan: Oh, shut up, newbie.

Jennifer: Yeah, just shut it.

Tom: Yeah, shut it.

Octavia: Enough! That’s enough.

Naomi: I’m so, so sorry, Miss Spencer.

Octavia: I am not happy. Spencer’s Gifts, the company my father founded is in the toilet. Now, who is going to look me, Octavia Spencer, in the eye, and take responsibility for that?

Tom: Well, I just think if we had some more innovative products then–

Octavia: Oh, is that what you think? Great! Now, I’m going to go around this table and I want the best ideas you got. Jennifer, go.

Jennifer: Okay. hillbilly dentures? It’s bad teeth, like a hillbilly? [Jennifer puts on the fake teeth] Yeah/

Octavia: Get out! [Jennifer walks out] Is it sinking in now people? This is really happening. This is D-Day. Nathan, go.

Nathan: Uh! Gangnam style bobbleheads? [showing a toy bubble head]

Octavia: Say it again?

Nathan: Like, Oppa Gangnam Style, hey! Like, Psy?

Octavia: Well then, Psy-yonara! You’re dead to me.

Nathan: Ma’am…

Octavia: Take that bush league crap to Ricky’s. [Nathan leaves] Argh! And then there were two. Let’s see. Naomi.

Naomi: Okay. Um, fake poop keychain.

Octavia: And that’s funny why?

Naomi: Because it looks like poop.

Octavia: You wanna see what poop looks that? [showing Naomi’s photograph] That’s what a poop looks like.

Naomi: Okay. Where did you get that picture?

Octavia: I don’t answers questions from ghosts. Buh-bye! [Naomi leaves] Argh! Tom!

Tom: Yes, Ms. Spencer.

Octavia: One shot. Eight mile, baby.

Tom: Um, [showing a wall clock that has beers instead of numbers] It’s beer o’clock. “Hey, what time is it? It’s beer o’clock.”

Octavia: I love that.

Tom: Well, thank you, Ms. Spencer.

Octavia: That’s so funny. Lauth with me.

Tom and Octavia: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Octavia: You report directly to me now.

Tom: Yes, Ms. Spencer.

[Vanessa walks in]

Vanessa: Octavia, your helicopter is here. Are you ready for your vacation?

Octavia: Oh, I’m ready. Come on, Tom.

[Tom follows Octavia]

Tom: Okay.