The Naomi Show

Naomi.. Gal Gadot

Vanessa… Aidy Bryant

AJ… Heidi Gardner

Wall… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with The Naomi Show intro] [Cut to Naomi in her set]

Naomi: Welcome back to Naomi. Today, we’re talking to moms about their terrible teens. Our next guest is Vanessa Rogers who is having a problem with her daughter.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa, how are you?

Vanessa: Real bad, Naomi. AJ is 13. And she’s physically abusive, she curses, she calls our minister a bitch. And I found so many straws in her room. I don’t know if they are used for drugs but they scare me. Okay? I blame myself coz she has no father figure.

[Cut to Naomi]

Naomi: Vanessa, I’m going to help you today. Today’s children sit around and play video games. Where I’m from, we had to grow up tough. And it sounds like AJ needs some tough love. AJ, come on out.

[AJ walks in with hands full of straws. The audience booing.]

AJ: Oh, screw you all. Go on. Go on. Hate on me. You know, y’all are jealous of me and my straws because you don’t even know what I use them for.

Naomi: Okay. That’s enough. AJ, take a seat. [AJ sits beside Vanessa] We’ve been talking to your mother and it sounds like you’re out of control. This has to stop today.

AJ: Naomi, I run things so much in my house that sometimes she calls me mom.

Naomi: Vanessa, is that true?

Vanessa: On occasion, yes.

Naomi: Well, on my show, no one gets bossed around. AJ, meet sergeant Wall.

[sirens] [Wall walks in]

Wall: Well, well, well. What do we have here? You must think you bad, huh? [Wall grabs AJ by her hand and pulls her front roughly] You wanna get you act together, young lady?

AJ: Nah!

Wall: You wanna be good in school?

AJ: Hah, nah!

Wall: What about that woman right there? Do you love that woman? You love her, right?

AJ: No.

Wall: You need to learn some respect. There is an opening in my boot camp for the next eight weeks. You can come live with me. Do you want me to be your daddy?

AJ: Yes, sir.

Wall: What?

AJ: yes, sir. I want you to be my daddy.

Wall: You do? You sure you want me to be your daddy?

AJ: Yeah. I have no daddy. But wait. Now, I do have a daddy. You are my daddy.

Wall: Well, I mean, you know, let’s just–

Vanessa: Oh, wow, this is not what I expected.

Naomi: This is obviously what AJ needs.

AJ: Tyler, Regan, all my friends watching at home, meet my dad!

Naomi: We are witnessing a live adoption, ladies and gentlemen.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to 5 in audience]

5: Um, excuse me. Excuse me. I work for the state and we’d love to help. We can make this done today. Hah?

[cheers and applause]

Wall: No. I think that might set a bad example. We should try to go through the proper channels.

AJ: Um, dad, I think we did. Because you just said you’re my dad, dad!

Vanessa: It is so good to have a man around the house again. And we can figure out the nature of our relationship. But let it be known, sergeant, that my vote is sexual.

Wall: Well, I am already in a relationship.

Vanessa: Okay. Well, then, I will be a side piece.

Naomi: No, no, no. No way. We don’t do that on my show. Sergeant wall, this is your family now. And you are going to treat them right.

AJ: I benefit from boundaries and stability. And dad, I’m happy to say I’m off my straws!

[AJ throws the straws away]

Wall: Okay. Y’all know I’m not really a sergeant, right? I mean, my name is Craig Willis. I’m an actor. You might have seen me on ‘Moesha’.

AJ: We don’t care what your job is, daddy. We love you.

Naomi: This is one of the most wonderful shows we’ve ever had. The birth of a family.

Vanessa:  Well. And, we’re expecting another.

Wall: Oh, damn! Okay.

Naomi: Another teen saved with a little tough love. When we come back, we’ll meet Paul, whose mother says he has never drank a glass of water.

 

Spencers Gifts HQ

Nathan… Mikey Day

Jennifer… Cecily Strong

Tom… Kenan Thompson

Naomi… Aidy Bryant

Octavia Spencer

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with colleagues in a meeting]

Nathan: I’m just saying, if we have one more bad quarter, it will be the end of Spencer’s Gifts.

Jennifer: Yeah. And whose fault is it, Nathan?  You haven’t made a good new product in months.

Tom: Look who’s talking.

Naomi: Um, okay, why is everyone fighting? Spencer’s is supposed to be about making people laugh.

Nathan: Oh, shut up, newbie.

Jennifer: Yeah, just shut it.

Tom: Yeah, shut it.

Octavia: Enough! That’s enough.

Naomi: I’m so, so sorry, Miss Spencer.

Octavia: I am not happy. Spencer’s Gifts, the company my father founded is in the toilet. Now, who is going to look me, Octavia Spencer, in the eye, and take responsibility for that?

Tom: Well, I just think if we had some more innovative products then–

Octavia: Oh, is that what you think? Great! Now, I’m going to go around this table and I want the best ideas you got. Jennifer, go.

Jennifer: Okay. hillbilly dentures? It’s bad teeth, like a hillbilly? [Jennifer puts on the fake teeth] Yeah/

Octavia: Get out! [Jennifer walks out] Is it sinking in now people? This is really happening. This is D-Day. Nathan, go.

Nathan: Uh! Gangnam style bobbleheads? [showing a toy bubble head]

Octavia: Say it again?

Nathan: Like, Oppa Gangnam Style, hey! Like, Psy?

Octavia: Well then, Psy-yonara! You’re dead to me.

Nathan: Ma’am…

Octavia: Take that bush league crap to Ricky’s. [Nathan leaves] Argh! And then there were two. Let’s see. Naomi.

Naomi: Okay. Um, fake poop keychain.

Octavia: And that’s funny why?

Naomi: Because it looks like poop.

Octavia: You wanna see what poop looks that? [showing Naomi’s photograph] That’s what a poop looks like.

Naomi: Okay. Where did you get that picture?

Octavia: I don’t answers questions from ghosts. Buh-bye! [Naomi leaves] Argh! Tom!

Tom: Yes, Ms. Spencer.

Octavia: One shot. Eight mile, baby.

Tom: Um, [showing a wall clock that has beers instead of numbers] It’s beer o’clock. “Hey, what time is it? It’s beer o’clock.”

Octavia: I love that.

Tom: Well, thank you, Ms. Spencer.

Octavia: That’s so funny. Lauth with me.

Tom and Octavia: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Octavia: You report directly to me now.

Tom: Yes, Ms. Spencer.

[Vanessa walks in]

Vanessa: Octavia, your helicopter is here. Are you ready for your vacation?

Octavia: Oh, I’m ready. Come on, Tom.

[Tom follows Octavia]

Tom: Okay.