Stranger Things 3

11… Natalie Portman

Mike… Mikey Day

14… Beck Bennett

9… Cecily Strong

5.. Pete Davidson

Luke Null

18… Aidy Bryant

50… Leslie Jones

3… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Stranger Things 3 video bumper] [Cut to 11 and Mike walking in a room]

11: Come on, Mike. It’s safe in here.

Mike: But El, what is this place?

11: Mama said there would be others here like me. That’s what mama said.

Mike: So, like, your mom?

11: No. Mama.

Mike: Oh, hey, while we’re waiting, do you want to do those kisses? Like, from season 2?

11: This doesn’t seem like the time, Mike.

Mike: Yeah, totally. I was thinking we should wait too. I’m not like, crazy horny or anything. Oh, look out!

[There’s 14 pointing a gun at them. He has long brown hair and he is wearing a leather jacket.]

14: Don’t move!

[11 uses her power to take the gun away from 14. Her nose is bleeding.]

Mike: Whoa! So, cool. Should we celebrate? Like, with a kiss or some over the jeans stuff?

11: Mike, not now.

[14 walks near 11]

Who are you?

14: I’m special, like you.

11: I’m 11. [showing her mark on her hand] I can move objects with my mind but it gives me tiny nose bleeds.

14: I’m 14. [showing his mark on his hand] I can start fires with my mind but every time I do, I throw up a little bit in my mouth. Watch! [14 pulls out a candle and lights it just looking at it. As soon as there’s a spark, 14 pukes in his mouth.]

11: Mama was right. There are more like me than I thought.

Mike: It must be so disorienting. Should we kiss?

[9 walks in. She has punk hair.]

9: There are lot more like you. I’m 9. I can read people’s minds but if I do, it makes me fart.

11: Oh, really? Well, then what am I thinking now?

9: [looking at 11] You’re worried that I’m gonna fart. [farts loud] [5 walks in. He has blonde long hair.]

5: And I’m 5. I could run really fast like the flash but every time I do, I get a boner. So, I have to stop running to hide the boner. It’s not a good power. I’ve been kicked out the track team twice. But um– Oh, hey, it looks like your friend Mike has the same power.

[Mike hides his boner]

Mike: What? No!

11: Mike!

Mike: What? It’s not. No! That’s a flashlight in case we get lost.

9: Someone’s lying. [farts loud]

11: What sick twisted mad man created us?

[There’s Luke standing in the dark folding his hands.]

Luke: I don’t know. But when we find him, he’s gonna have to deal with me.

11: What’s to you do?

Luke: Oh, I make fantastic chilly but the only downside is my brain starts bleeding.

11: Okay, we don’t need to see that.

[Luke is near a stove, where there are utensils. He starts cooking and crying. His head is bleeding.]

Luke: [groaning] Chilly’s done!

[18 comes in]

18: I’ll take some of that.

11: Wait, who are you?

18: Well, I’m 18. My power is I can do a pretty good Borat impression. But if I do it, then I go into a coma for 2 days.

11: Oh, well, then you don’t need to do that impressoin.

18: Are you sure? It’s pretty good.

Mike: Well, I mean, now I kind of want to see it.

18: Yeah, you made the right choice. [doing Borat impression] My wife! [18 falls down immediately]

Mike: These people… These people might be scarier than the shadow monster.

9: Hey, careful who you judge. [farts loud]

11: Get out of our heads!

9: Oh, no, no, no. That was just a regular one. I’m sorry. I have unrelated IBS.

[50 walks in. She has orange hair.]

50: And I’m 50.

11: What? What’s your power?

50: I’m just 50 years old. I have good credit. I own my own condo. And I can leg-press 375. So take that, you dumb kids. [50 walks away. She takes the pot where Luke cooks the chilly.] And I’m taking this chilly. Ou, it’s hot!

11: I want all of you to come with me. Alone, you’re freaks. But together, we’re family. And we can defeat the shadow monster once and for all.

[3 walks in. He has white hair.]

3: Well, count me in. I’m 3. And my power is I’m good at thinking of ways to end sketches.

11: Then how should this one end?

[3 puts his eyeballs together in the middle, puts his fingers in his mind.]

3: [fast] Bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla.

[Cut to Stranger Things 3 video bumper.]

Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards Orange Carpet

Dexter Hill… Mikey Day

Allie Jackson… Natalie Portman

Dylan Maxwell… Pete Davidson

Ellen DeGeneres… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with “Kids’ Choice Awards” 2018 video bumper]

Female voice: Kids rock.

[Cut to Dexter and Allie in the show set]

Dexter: Whoo! I’m Dexter, here with Allie. I’m on the orange carpet for the “Kids’ Choice Awards” pre show. If you’re just joining us, here’s what you missed.

[Cut to Dexter in front of a group of kids]

Dexter: Hey, let’s see if we can break the screamo meter. Ready, guys?

[The kids and Dexter are screaming. There’s a screamo meter at the bottom of the screen where the meter is pointing at the middle of the scale.] [Cut to Allie in front of a group of kids]

Allie: We can beat that, right buys?

[The kids and Allie are screaming. There’s a screamo meter at the bottom of the screen where the meter is pointing at the maximum of the scale.] [Cut to Dexter and Allie]

Dexter: Oh, man! What a blast. [to kids] You guys having fun or what?

Kids: Yes!

Dexter: I think they are. What about you? You having fun, Allie?

Allie: [Allie has lost her voice because she screamed so much] Oh, yeah. Maybe a little too much. And you might be able to tell, I’ve lost my voice coz all the screaming I did in the last hour.

Dexter: Okay. If you can’t hear her, um, Allie has fully lost her voice.

Allie: My voice may be gone but this party is just getting started, right guys?

[the kids are silent]

Yeah, well, our countdown to the loudest, craziest [inaudible] right here [inaudible] I’m having slime of my life.

Dexter: The slime? Oh! You’re having the slime of your life. Okay. Yeah. Me too, Allie. [funny buzzer] Oh-oh! You know what that means. It’s time for a Zany Zoom.

[Cut to Zany Zoom shot. The camera zooms to Dexter and Allie and it looks funny. Dexter is shouting at the camera but Allie can’t.]

Allie: Oh, that didn’t work. Kindly, I’d like to [inaudible]

Dexter: Alright. Well, Al tries to flag down some tea with honey in it. Um, let’s check in with our backstage correspondent and start Nickelodeon’s Dylan’s rules for surviving 7th grade. Dylan Maxwell, nominated tonight for coolest face. Dyl, what’s the scoop from the inside, brother?

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Dex, Allie, I’m here with the real stars of the show. The coveted Nickelodeon Blimps that will be handed out to the winners. Hey, you think they’ll notice if I took one? Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to split screen with Dexter, Allie and Dylan. Allie is drinking tea.]

Dexter: Ha-ha-ha. Somebody get security over there.

Allie: [still in lost voice] Hey, Dyl, [inaudible]

Dylan: What?

Allie: [inaudible]

Dylan: I’m sorry. What?

Allie: Wait. Maybe I can talk on the inhale.

Dexter: Oh. She’s gonna talk on the inhale.

Allie: [talking while inhaling] Dyl, are the awards heavy?

Dylan: I’m sorry. One last time. what?

Allie: [talking while inhaling] I was just wondering–

Dexter: [interrupting] Let’s not do that anymore. Super weird. Thanks Dylan. We’ll check back in with you later, my man. And Al, I think I see one of your producers flagging you down. So, why don’t you go see what’s up with that? While we see [slowly moving away from Allie] if I can talk to the one and only miss Ellen DeGeneres. [Dexter walks to Ellen] She’s already dancing. [cheers and applause] She’s already dancing. Ellen, hi. How are you?

Ellen: Well, I wish I had an outfit that went better with orange.

Dexter: Oh-oh! Ellen, you’re up for ‘Favorite Funny Lesbian’ tonight. Are you excited?

Ellen: Yeah. And um, I’m pretty sure it’s ‘Favorite Funny Person.’ Not specifically ‘Lesbian.’

Dexter: Okay. I’m so sorry about that.

Ellen: But I’m still getting a slime out of my hair from last year. So, keep your eyes peeled for a shower cow.

Dexter: Oh-oh!

[Allie runs in.]

Allie: [in devil voice] Ellen, hi.

Ellen: Jesus Christ!

Allie: I lost my voice. So, the producers gave me this vocalizer. [Dexter walks out] What award are you presenting tonight?

Ellen: I’m sorry I said Jesus Christ. I was startled by your voice. But I’m presenting ‘Meanest TV Teacher’. [funny buzzer]

Allie: Oh-oh! Time for Zany Zoom.

[Cut to Zany Zoom shot. The camera zooms to Ellen and Allie and it looks funny. Allie is shouting at the camera. Ellen walks out.] [Dexter walks in]

Dexter: Alright. That was absolutely terrifying. I think Ellen has to get inside. I’m also hearing that the producers are asking you ahead and lose that vocalizer as it’s scaring the kids.

Allie: [running towards the kids] [in devil voice] Maybe they are afraid of being slimed?

[The kids are terrified and running and hiding.]

Dexter: Alright. No, it’s definitely the voice thing. So, please lose it immediately. Um, remember, online voting is still open. You can still vote for rewards like, ‘Best Actor in Jumanji movie’. My money’s on the Rock. Right, Allie?

[Allie is with Chris who fixing an injection for her voice. He is smiling at the camera.]

Okay, [walking away from them] over here, Allies about to get a steroid injection in her throat which is really weird. That’s something no one wants to see. So come over here. Yes. Okay. We’re gonna take a quick break, but keep it here for more action from the orange carpet at the 2018 Kids’ Choice Awards.

Allie: [lost voice] Only on– it didn’t work. [uses her vocalizer] [devil voice] Only on Nickel–

Dexter: Yeah. Don’t use that ever again.

[The End]

Natalie’s Rap 2

Interviewer… Beck Bennett

Natalie Portman

Carl… Andy Samberg

[Starts with Interviewer interviewing Natalie Portman. Music playing in the background.]

Interviewer: We’re here today with film star Natalie Portman. Natalie, the last time you were here, I heard things got a little out of control.

Natalie Portman: Yeah. Well, I was going through really weird time then. But, I have matured a lot.

Interviewer: Why don’t you fill a scene on what it is like to be you?

Natalie Portman: Okay, you bitch.

Interviewer: I’m sorry, what?

[Music video starts] [rapping] Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman
[bleep] you husband and his best friend just for sport man
you know it’s clickbait, clickbait, clickbait
put a dildo on a switchblade, switchblade

Xan is dissolving in my Pino
my man dance but he’s not ballerino
Yeah, he twinkle his toes but
he gives me good D though, wrap a good burrito

Tide pod’s only [bleep] thing I snack on
blackout and go [bleep] Black Swan

Bring on on ayahuasca boy
tell your tourist parents I’mma turn you to a foster boy

[Cut to Interviewer interviewing Natalie Portman]

Interviewer: Wow, I gotta say it seems like you’re almost exactly the same but with current references.

Natalie Portman: Unture. I’m a mother now. It has really changed my perspective.

Interviewer: And do you find it difficult juggling kids in a career?

Natalie Portman: You can juggle these nuts.

Interviewer: What?

Natalie Portman: [rapping] I dance now, I make mommy moves
when I gave birth, I didn’t even push
I was blazed out smoking bomb kush
and when my water broker, you know it drowned the doctor

They say I’m sex positive, hell yeah, I’m positive
that you’re going down while I’m bobbing “My prerogative”

tell me why? Hah! I guess I’m showing my age
now bend over and spread em’ coz you about to get laid–

[The doctor walks in, and immediately he walks out and shuts the door close.] [Cut to Interviewer interviewing Natalie Portman]

Interviewer: That’s a good stuff. Now, I have to ask Natalie. Have you seen the new Star Wars movies?

Natalie Portman: No.

Interviewer: Oh. They’re really good. They’re much better than–

Natalie Portman: Better than what?

Interviewer: [bleep] [Cut to the music video. Natalie Portman is pointing a gun at Alex Moffat]

Natalie Portman: Say something ’bout the mother [bleep] prequels, bitch!

Alex: They were good!

Natalie Portman: Say something [bleep] nice about Jar-Jar Binks

Alex: He’s tall?

Natalie Portman: Now kiss him right on his seventeen dicks

Alex: What?

Natalie Portman: While I sit dead on your face and take a shit

[Cut to Carl joining Natalie Portman’s music video]

Carl: Oh, Natalie

Natalie Portman: Yeah?

Carl: Please come meet your baby
He cries himself to sleep every night

Natalie Portman: That little shit ain’t mine!

Carl: Oh, Natalie

Natalie Portman: What?

Carl: It’s been twelve long years
And I’m seven days sober, I swear on his life!

Natalie Portman: You’re a mess, Carl

[Cut to Interviewer interviewing Natalie Portman]

Interviewer: Okay, well, that’s all the time we have. Natalie, one last question. Do you think those “Time’s Up” pins have had the impact that you were hoping for?

[Natalie Portman stands and pins the “Time’s Up” pin on Interviewer’s forehead.]

Natalie Portman: How’s that for impact?

Interviewer:Well, actually. [Natalie Portman throws Interviewer out of the window.] oh, no.

Natalie Portman: No more questions


Natalie Portman Announcer Monologue

Natalie Portman

Kenan Thompson

Kate McKinnon

Leslie Jones

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Natalie Portman.

[Natalie Portman walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Natalie Portman: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. It’s so crazy to be back. The last time I hosted, it was in 2006. Back then, I was promoting “V for Vendetta.” And now, the whole country is promoting “V for Vendetta.” And this is the last SNL before the Winter Olympic starts next week. Isn’t that exciting? [cheers and applause] Because NBC sure keeps telling me that it’s exciting.

[Winter Olympics jingle plays. There’s a small commercial ad at left bottom corner of the screen.]

Alright. Very shuttle, guys.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon in their Winter Olympics reporter’s set. They’re talking about Natalie Portman’s monologue like it’s a sport.]

Kenan Thompson: Okay. And Natalie has just completed the short program of her monologue.

Kate McKinnon: That’s right, Kenan. She started off with a charming intro and then transitioned into a light political joke.

Kenan Thompson: That’s a tough combination to pull off, but she had done it marvelously.

Kate McKinnon: She sure has. And I- I’ve seen a lot of hosts who could not.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, yeah? Like, who?

Kate McKinnon: I’d rather not say. Let’s see what Natalie has in store next.

[Cut to Natalie Portman in SNL stage]

Natalie Portman: So, I’m a mom now. And my six year old son actually wrote a joke for my monologue. So, okay, here it is. What’s the funniest letter in the alphabet? It’s P. Get it? Pee? You know what? It might be funnier he said it.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: Ooh! A little stumble there.

Kate McKinnon: Yeah. That was– that was supposed to be a double joke joke into a triple applause break. I wonder what happened. I’m being told that joke was actually written by a 32 year old writer who went to Yale. Yes. Yes.

Kenan Thompson: Let’s look at that again in slow motion.

[Cut to Natalie Portman. She is acting like she’s in a slow motion video.]

Natalie Portman: It’s P. Get it?

Kate McKinnon: Okay, pause it right there.

[Natalie Portman stops moving.]

Yeah. You can tell that she’s very nervous about this one, Kenan. Lot of flop sweats here [circling her forehead] and here.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah. And let’s go ahead and check out band leader Lenny Pickett reacting to that joke.

Kate McKinnon: Yeah.

[Cut to Lenny Pickett in the band]

Lenny: Ha-ha.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah. He is not into it at all.

Kate McKinnon: No, he is not. And Lenny’s usually a big laugher.

Kenan Thompson: And now, he’s just visibly swiping through Tinder.

[Cut to Lenny Pickett. He is swiping rights on his phone.] [Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kate McKinnon: Ooh. Yeah. Completely checked out, Kenan. Well, we go now to our field correspondent, Leslie Jones, who is heading to the Olympics next week and she is standing by the stage right now.

[Cut to Leslie Jones standing by the stage, reporting to them]

Leslie Jones: Thank you. I’m down here at the monologue stage, and well, it’s not good. [Natalie Portman is peeking at the camera from behind] I don’t know why they make these tiny white actresses do standup comedy?

Natalie Portman: Leslie, you’re kind of blocking me.

[Leslie Jones looks behind.]

Leslie Jones: Hey, girl. You are killing it right now. [looks back at the camera] She is not killing it. Also, speaking of me going to the Olympics, did you know that North Korea is really close to South Korea? Um, why did no one explain that to me? I do not want to go now.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: And thank you, Leslie Jones. [cheers and applause] Okay. We go back live to Natalie Portman who is ready for her big finish.

[Cut to Natalie Portman]

Natalie Portman: And I have to ask you guys something. Does anyone here like New York city?

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Kenan Thompson and Kate McKinnon]

Kenan Thompson: And she has landed it.

Kate McKinnon: She mentioned New York City and people were like, “Hey, that’s where we are!”

Kenan Thompson: Ha-ha-ha. An incredible comeback for Portman.

[Cut to Natalie Portman. Leslie Jones is jumping around her with a rose bouquet in her hands.]

Leslie Jones: Haa-haa! I believed in you, girl. You are the real Tonya Harding, baby! Yes! Whooo!

Natalie Portman: We’ve got a great show. Dua Lipa’s here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.


Natalie Portman

Trish… Heidi Gardner

Cecily Strong

Bunny… Aidy Bryant

Bartender… Beck Bennett

[Starts with three ladies drinking cocktail at the bar talking to each other.]

Natalie: So I was on a date with that guy I was telling you about, Keen. And everything was going fine. But then he tells me his last name was Peele.

Trish: Oh, my god! So, his name’s Keen Peele?

Natalie: Yeah.

Cecily: Wait, like the show?

Trish: That’s so weird.

Natalie: I know. I couldn’t think about anything else. I had to cut the date short.

Cecily: Wow. And he was like, almost perfect.

Natalie: Am I crazy? I mean, am I just being too picky?

[Bunny slides in]

Bunny: Oh, yeah. You are. Definitely.

Cecily: Okay. Um, you’re definitely not. Men are just like, so weird right now. I made the mistake of making small talk with a cute guy on a subway and he offered to give me foot massage.

Natalie: Seriously? What the hell?

Bunny: I’ll tell you what. I would have took that offer in a heartbeat. I mean, a fresh pair of mitts on these dogs [pointing at her feet] is a heck of a lot better than the old pencil eraser I use now. Ha-ha.

Natalie: I guess it is a nice gesture.

Cecily: Yeah. But still gross.

Trish: I mean, I’m just coming to terms that I’ll probably be single forever. I mean every guy is some man-child loser.

Cecily: Yeah. Or like some over aggressive creep.

Bunny: Yeah. I hear that. And why are they all circumcised?

Cecily: What’s that?

Bunny: Men nowadays. They’re all circumcised. You know? I mean, it used to be a crapshoot, you know? And now, it seems like everybody’s cut. And believe me, I ain’t complaining. I’ll take a short sleeve just as quick as a turtle neck. I’m just saying I noticed.

Natalie: Yeah. That is weird.

Cecily: I’m sorry. What is your name?

Bunny: Bunny. Yeah. Sorry to bud in. I don’t get to have a lot of girl talk. I got a eight male roommates and I’m a chef at a man’s prison. So–

Natalie: Oh, that’s fine. Well, nice to meet you, Bunny.

[Bartender walks in]

Bartender: You ladies doing alright?

Bunny: Actually, you know what? Can we get another round on my tab? I’m doing a whiskey milk neat. And I think they’re doing the same.

Cecily: Oh, no. We’re definitely not.

Natalie: Um, three martinis please. So, you work around here, Bunny?

Bunny: Oh, no. I was here to meet a guy I’ve been catfishing. But he didn’t show.

Cecily: You were catfishing him?

Bunny: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I’ll get a guy to drive from a few states away to meet a Japanese bikini model named Ki-ko. But then when they get here, I tell them, “Ki-ko split.” And he can crash at my place instead. Next thing you know, Bunny’s munching on carrot.

Cecily: Oh, my god.

Natalie: I know. I wish I knew how to take more risks.

Cecily: No. That sounds dangerous and insane.

Bunny: Well, I’m sorry that strangers aren’t offering me footjobs on public transportation. You know, some of us have to hunt with bait.

[Trish is looking at her phone]

Trish: Oh, my god! Jake just texted me an eggplant emoji and a winky face.

Natalie: No way!

Cecily: So gross!

Bunny: Oh, jackpot, baby! And then there were three.

Trish: You know, I shouldn’t answer him, right?

Cecily: Of course, you shouldn’t

Bunny: Well, damn. If I got a text like that, I cool-aid man straight through that brick wall so fast, my pants rip off. And then by the time I’m at his door, ding dong, it’s full beef.

Natalie: Jake is pretty hot, Trish. Maybe you should answer him.

Trish: You think so? I mean we did have fun together.

Cecily: You know, why are you listening to this crazy lady?

Bunny: Bunny.

Cecily: Have some self respect. You can’t just be that desperate.

Bunny: Oh, you can. And you will when you get to be my age.

Natalie: Oh, Bunny. How old are you?

Bunny: 27.

Cecily: I’m 10 years older than that.

Bunny: Look. All I’m saying is it’s the 90s, you know? We ain’t gonna be high and tight forever. We might as well get our nuts off while we still can.

Cecily: It’s 2018.

Bunny: Oh, you wish.

Natalie: Bunny, you’re so right. I knew I was being unreasonable. You know what? I’m gonna go call Keen Peele, tell him I don’t care about his stupid name anymore.

[Natalie picks up her phone and walks out to call]

Trish: Yeah. I’m gonna go bang Jake. Bye, girl.

[Trish also leaves]

Bunny: Wow! [Bunny moves to close to Cecily] And then there were two.

Cecily: No.

Bunny: Another whiskey milk!

Cecily: How do you even drink that?

Bunny: Well, I like it coz it goes down smooth but it comes out firing.

[A guy walks in with a box of chocolates and a flower bouquet. He is wearing a suit.]

Guy: Sorry. Did you guys see a Japanese bikini model named Ki-ko here?

Bunny: Oh, honey. Ki-ko just left but you can crash at my place tonight.

Guy: Dammit! Um, I guess I did drive pretty far.

Bunny: Ha-ha-ha-ha. And then there was one. [to the guy] You’re about to get some beef, brother.

[Bunny walks out with the guy]

Alien Lover

Rexin… Beck Bennett

Captain… Natalie Portman

[Starts with Rexin and Captain walking inside a room]

Rexin: Perhaps, this is all happening so fast.

Captain: Calm yourself, Rexin. With me at the helm, you’re bound only for bliss.

[Rexin and Captain go to the bed.]

Rexin: Oh, captain. How I even yearn for you? But I must admit I’m nervous. You are a noble human and I, a lonely Narloc.

Captain: Is your mind, Rexin. For I am a gifted lover and have experienced the passions of our galaxies many different life forms. You can trust me to steer the ship.

[Captain leans to kiss Rexin]

Rexin: Okay, wait. So sorry. Just hang on one second.

Captain: Yeah? What’s up?

Rexin: [sigh] Okay, so, just before we go any further, I just like– I don’t know. I just want to give you a head’s up that my butt is my face and my face is my butt.

Captain: Wait. What?

Rexin: My butt..

Captain: Yeah.

Rexin: …is my face.

Captain: And this? [pointing at his face]

Rexin: This face is my butt. Correct.

Captain: Seriously?

Rexin: Yeah. I’m an alien. It’s just how I’m built.

Captain: So, right now you’re talking out of your butt?

Rexin: Yeah. But so is other man you’ll meet. [laughing] It’s a little joke I’d like to tell sometimes after breaking the news.

Captain: Um, okay. Yeah. I guess I can roll with that.

Rexin: Yeah. Thank you. I’ll just go ahead and turn over then. [Rexin turns over. Captain is looking at Rexin’s butt. Rexin is shaking his butt as he speaks] Oh! There you are. Oh, I can finally see you.

Captain: Yeah. You too.

Rexin: So? This is me. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Captain: Ha-ha. Yeah. There you are.

Rexin: Yeah. Hey, I really like your hair.

Captain: Oh, thank you so much. I like your cheeks?

Rexin: Oh! Thank you.

Captain: No problem.

Rexin: You can touch them if you want.

Captain: Excuse me?

Rexin: My cheeks. You can touch my cheeks if you want.

Captain: Oh. Okay.

[Rexin touches Captain’s butt]

Rexin: Ah! Now spoon me.

Captain: What?

Rexin: Spoon me. Spoon me like you mean it.

Captain: Oh, okay.

[Rexin hugs Captain’s lower back]

Rexin: Oh god, this feels so right.

Captain: Yeah. Super right.

Rexin: Oh, no.

Captain: You okay?

Rexin: I think I’m allergic to your perfume. I’m gonna sneeze. Ah! [farts] [Captain is disgusted. She stands immediately.]

Captain: Um, you know what? Why don’t I make us a drink?

Rexin: Um, I wouldn’t say no to a gin and tonic.

Captain: Ah! So, has your butt always been your face?

Rexin: Yeah. As long as I can remember.

Captain: Wow! That must be tough.

Rexin: Well, I just put on a brave ass and except at sometimes, life’s a real face hole. [Captain passes a drink to Rexin] Ah! Thank you. [Rexin pours the drink on his butt and makes drinking sound]

Captain: Oh, my god!
Rexin: That’s delicious. Thank you.

Captain: So, wait. At the restaurant?

Rexin: I was putting food in my ass. Yes. I’m respectful of the people around me. Ha-ha-ha.

Captain: I’m sorry. I just– I definitely can’t handle this.

Rexin: You know what? If you’re not into this, then that’s fine. But some day you’re gonna face the fact that some people’s faces are butts and their butts are their faces. [Rexin stands] Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to the bathroom. [Rexin walks to the bathroom. He leans head over the toilet bowl. There’s peeing sound.]

Captain: Rexin, look at me.

Rexin: No.

Captain: Rexin!

Rexin: What?

Captain: Look at me.

Rexin: Fine! [Rexin faces his butt to Captain] What do you want?

Captain: Rex, you listen to me. Now, I’m sorry that I reacted the way I did but you have to understand I was surprised.

Rexin: Surprised? You were surprised? How do you think I feel, huh? Imagine my surprise. I was born this way.

Captain: Rex, please, I understand.

Rexin: No, you don’t! You don’t understand. The whole galaxy thinks I’m some kind of freak! I’m sure no one else on my planet was actually born this way. And sure, all psychiatrist said it was a false reality I created myself. But tell me this, if that’s the case, then how did I just pee out of my mouth?

Captain: I don’t know.

Rexin: Exactly. You don’t know. You don’t know. Mom doesn’t know. The doctors don’t know. And you best believe daddy don’t. Coz guess what? Oh, yeah, he was basically never around.

Captain: Rex! Get a hold of yourself!

[Captain slaps Rexin on his butt hard.]

Oh, Rex. I’m sorry.

Rexin: Did that make you feel good? Huh? You feel big and strong? Here I am just some confused kid trying to make sense of his body. But at least you had fun with your freak. Well, have a nice day, lady. [Rexin puts a had on his butt.]

Captain: Rex, please. [Rexin walks away leaning.] Rex, don’t run away. [Rexin stops] For once in your life, don’t run.

Rexin: Captain.

Captain: Yes, Rexin.

Rexin: When people ask you about me, what will you say?

Captain: [Captain gets on her knee looking at Rexin’s butt] I’ll say, “There goes Rex, the nicest ass you’ll ever meet.”

Rexin: Oh, captain, I–

Captain: [putting her finger near Rexin’s butt] Shh! [Captain leans forward to kiss Rexin’s butt. Video pauses before it happens.] [The End]