11… Natalie Portman
Mike… Mikey Day
14… Beck Bennett
9… Cecily Strong
5.. Pete Davidson
Luke Null
18… Aidy Bryant
50… Leslie Jones
3… Kenan Thompson
[Starts with Stranger Things 3 video bumper] [Cut to 11 and Mike walking in a room]11: Come on, Mike. It’s safe in here.
Mike: But El, what is this place?
11: Mama said there would be others here like me. That’s what mama said.
Mike: So, like, your mom?
11: No. Mama.
Mike: Oh, hey, while we’re waiting, do you want to do those kisses? Like, from season 2?
11: This doesn’t seem like the time, Mike.
Mike: Yeah, totally. I was thinking we should wait too. I’m not like, crazy horny or anything. Oh, look out!
[There’s 14 pointing a gun at them. He has long brown hair and he is wearing a leather jacket.]14: Don’t move!
[11 uses her power to take the gun away from 14. Her nose is bleeding.]Mike: Whoa! So, cool. Should we celebrate? Like, with a kiss or some over the jeans stuff?
11: Mike, not now.
[14 walks near 11]Who are you?
14: I’m special, like you.
11: I’m 11. [showing her mark on her hand] I can move objects with my mind but it gives me tiny nose bleeds.
14: I’m 14. [showing his mark on his hand] I can start fires with my mind but every time I do, I throw up a little bit in my mouth. Watch! [14 pulls out a candle and lights it just looking at it. As soon as there’s a spark, 14 pukes in his mouth.]
11: Mama was right. There are more like me than I thought.
Mike: It must be so disorienting. Should we kiss?
[9 walks in. She has punk hair.]9: There are lot more like you. I’m 9. I can read people’s minds but if I do, it makes me fart.
11: Oh, really? Well, then what am I thinking now?
9: [looking at 11] You’re worried that I’m gonna fart. [farts loud] [5 walks in. He has blonde long hair.]
5: And I’m 5. I could run really fast like the flash but every time I do, I get a boner. So, I have to stop running to hide the boner. It’s not a good power. I’ve been kicked out the track team twice. But um– Oh, hey, it looks like your friend Mike has the same power.
[Mike hides his boner]Mike: What? No!
11: Mike!
Mike: What? It’s not. No! That’s a flashlight in case we get lost.
9: Someone’s lying. [farts loud]
11: What sick twisted mad man created us?
[There’s Luke standing in the dark folding his hands.]Luke: I don’t know. But when we find him, he’s gonna have to deal with me.
11: What’s to you do?
Luke: Oh, I make fantastic chilly but the only downside is my brain starts bleeding.
11: Okay, we don’t need to see that.
[Luke is near a stove, where there are utensils. He starts cooking and crying. His head is bleeding.]Luke: [groaning] Chilly’s done!
[18 comes in]18: I’ll take some of that.
11: Wait, who are you?
18: Well, I’m 18. My power is I can do a pretty good Borat impression. But if I do it, then I go into a coma for 2 days.
11: Oh, well, then you don’t need to do that impressoin.
18: Are you sure? It’s pretty good.
Mike: Well, I mean, now I kind of want to see it.
18: Yeah, you made the right choice. [doing Borat impression] My wife! [18 falls down immediately]
Mike: These people… These people might be scarier than the shadow monster.
9: Hey, careful who you judge. [farts loud]
11: Get out of our heads!
9: Oh, no, no, no. That was just a regular one. I’m sorry. I have unrelated IBS.
[50 walks in. She has orange hair.]50: And I’m 50.
11: What? What’s your power?
50: I’m just 50 years old. I have good credit. I own my own condo. And I can leg-press 375. So take that, you dumb kids. [50 walks away. She takes the pot where Luke cooks the chilly.] And I’m taking this chilly. Ou, it’s hot!
11: I want all of you to come with me. Alone, you’re freaks. But together, we’re family. And we can defeat the shadow monster once and for all.
[3 walks in. He has white hair.]3: Well, count me in. I’m 3. And my power is I’m good at thinking of ways to end sketches.
11: Then how should this one end?
[3 puts his eyeballs together in the middle, puts his fingers in his mind.]3: [fast] Bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla.
[Cut to Stranger Things 3 video bumper.]