Natasha Lyonne Monologue

Natasha Lyonne

Maya Rudolph

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Natasha Lyonne.

[Natasha Lyonne walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Natasha Lyonne: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. My name is Natasha Leone. And I also wish I was Harry Styles. Gosh. Will you look at this? I’m hosting the season finale of Saturday Night Live.

[cheers and applause]

For a real New Yorker like me, that’s big. I have a show called Russian Doll. [cheers and applause] Yes. The second season of Russian Doll just premiered on Netflix. And two things you definitely want to be associated with right now are Russia and Netflix. It’s my first time hosting and I’m genuinely humbled to be here. The truth is, I feel a cosmic connection to SNL. The people here are my real life chosen family. I’ve been coming here since I was a teenager. I co-created Russian doll with Amy Poehler and I have great friends.

[cheers and applause] [Maya Rudolph and Fred Armisen walk in]

Fred Armisen: Hey, are you busy?

Natasha Lyonne: Right now? No, not at all.

Fred Armisen: Okay, good. I thought maybe we could try our Natasha Leone impressions for you.

Maya Rudolph: Yeah, we do. really good impressions of you, just not when you’re around.

Fred Armisen: [impersonating Natasha Lyonne] [talking gibberish] Congratulations. If so facto.

Maya Rudolph: That’s good. [impersonating Natasha Lyonne] Yeah, how are you? Alright? It’s a dynamite sweater. Cockaroach.

Fred Armisen: Okay, bye.

Maya Rudolph: Bye.

Natasha Lyonne: Alright. Freddie and I, we dated for seven years. Yeah, we’re the only couple who have sex tape nobody wanted a buy. God, I love this place. You see, SNL combines everything I like. New York City, show business, people who have done the same thing since the 70s and different unions fighting. Yeah, I love it. I mean, I’m a New York City kid and a showbiz baby. Weird story, but while I have you, listen to this. I’m born in New York, doesn’t matter what year, early 80s probably. Everything is brown. Most automobiles are long and banana colored. My parents get this big idea that I have a future and show business. So I start auditioning. A lot of casting directors as it turns out, are looking for a little orphan Annie type who talks like Dee Dee Ramone. Here’s a clip of me from one of my earliest roles.

[cut to an old video clip. Natasha Lyonne is sill a child running around in a TV show.]

Kiwi: Hi, Elvis. Hi Cher.

Elvis and Cher: Hi Kiwi.

Cher: We’ve got a new member.

Elvis: Her name is Opa.

Kiwi: Hi.

Opa: Hi.

[cut back to Natasha Lyonne in SNL set]

Natasha Lyonne: Yeah. [cheers and applause] I gotta say, my best work till date. So anyway, I do some TV, my mom and I moved to the Upper East Side. Suddenly I’m in the movies. Oh, I was in all those 90s movies. American Pie, American Pie 2, American Pie in the multiverse of madness, etc. Oh, I ain’t called favorite but I’m a Cheerleader. Things are going great. And then, “Knock knock. Who’s there?” “Multiple arrests and drug addiction.” Oh, yeah, I went to hell and back. Life was rough. But just like when Fabio was on that roller coaster, and a bird flew in his face. Hey, do we have a photo of that? Yeah, just like when Fabio, when that happened? So I brushed myself off and I got back on the ride.

[cheers and applause]

And now I’m here.

All right, sure. I’m conflating events, glossing over entire decades but I’m here. And I’ll tell you what I found. There’s always hope and despair and there’s always a reason to get back in the ring and fight another day. We got a great show. Japanese Breakfast is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.