Tag: Natasha Lyonne

Summer Gig

Treece… Kenan Thompson

Cassie… Natasha Lyonne

Brad…  Kyle Mooney

Helen… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a band playing on a stage]

Treece: [singing] And so I pulled up my pants,
and I said, I see you at work.

Thank you very much. Thank you, Kingston residents inn. Once again, we are the Treece Henderson Trio. So glad that you joined our big kickoff to Summer Celebration. We got a hot show to get back to but before we do, my allergies are exploding. Can I ask if anyone has a little bit of Nasonex in their purse? Just a little squirt of Nasonex. Maybe the tiniest pump of Nasonex. It would really get me through this experience. I’ll put a condom on the nasal insert, so can it doesn’t get infected. Can I get that squirt? Am I speaking clearly? I have asked for Nasonex at least TreeceTreece times. Nasonex. Now,

Cassie: Nobody has it Treece.

Treece: Okay, fine.

[music playing]

[singing]Tweedledee rolled
Tweedledee bun,
soon we’ll eat hamburgers
in the summer sun

[Cassie playing harmonica really good]

Alright. Let’s meet the band. On keyboards it’s Brad Dates. And his last name is Dates, but he hasn’t had one in six years.

Brad: I’ve been married for 10, Treece. [playing keyboard]

Treece: Hey, this is just show pattern. I don’t know. Also here tonight. It’s Helen.

Helen: I’m Helen. I don’t play an instrument. I’m just here to dance.

Treece: Well, we love how it helps out the band. And finally on harmonica is my roommate and landlord, Cassie Marie.

Cassie: Watch me blow this [playing harmonica]

Brad: Yes. Cassie, yes.

Treece: Yes, that was fire, Cassie Marie. I thought you’d be phoning it in tonight considering the state I found you in this morning.

Cassie: Oh no. That’s between us, Treece. I told you everything’s fine.

Treece: Well, you were crying pretty hard in the car.

Cassie: Okay, Treece, I don’t want to talk about that here. My tears are my business.

Brad: Yeah, boundaries Treece.

Treece: But I care about her emotional state.

Cassie: Treece, zip it.

Treece: Okay fine!

[singing] summer tea this
vacation yes
put on a thong
and spread all of your summer sex

Cassie: Nice! [playing harmonica]

Treece: Alright, how is everybody doing tonight? How about you lovely couple?

Bowen: Oh, we’re not a couple. I’m gay and she’s my psychic.

Helen: Whoa.

Chloe: Yes. And the spirit world is telling me that your harmonica player is hiding something from you.

Treece: I knew it. Spill the beans Cassie Marie.

Cassie: Oh, there’s nothing to spill. And there’s no such thing as psychics.

Chloe: It’s someone with an R name.

Cassie: What?

Treece: What? So there is an R in your life. Is it R. Kelly? Steer clear.

Cassie: It is not R. Kelly?

Treece: Well, that’s good news.

[singing] Tweedledee hot
no days in school
I want to make friends
with somebody who has a pool

Chloe: Treece, I’m so sorry to interrupt, but Cassie is about to receive a Nest Cam alert.

Treece: Oh my goodness. Pull out your phone.

Cassie: Treece, you’re killing the vibe.

Treece: Just do it. [notification] It’s your Nest Cam. There’s someone in your front yard. She was right again.

Cassie: You twp, get out of here with your dental business.

Bowen: Oh no. I paid $4 for both of these seats. We’re not going anywhere honey.

Treece: Who is that in your yard? He’s wearing a t-shirt that says Ronald.

Brad: That’s an R name.

Cassie: Yes. It’s my ex, Ronald.

Treece: Well, that explains the T. Wait, what’s he doing now?

Cassie: He’s in a closet bedroom. Yes.

Treece: What? But that’s my closet bedroom. That’s where I put my fashion wear.

Cassie: He must think they’re mine. He’s going to burn them to get me back for dumping him.

Treece: Oh no, he has my Bottega Veneta fanny pack. You can’t burn that. That’s my Bottega Veneta.

Helen: But it’s a knock off, jeez.

Treece: Oh, you shut up.

Cassie: Treece, it’s just clothes.

Treece: You’re just clothes. and your ex boyfriend is about to Angela Bassett my Bottega Veneta and set it on fire and then just walk away and snap. Now you call them and tell them to stop.

Cassie: Okay, just for you Treece. [calling] Hello Ronald. What did you say to me? No, you’re garbage. I don’t care, burn every piece of clothing in that room if you want.

Treece: No! That was not the plan.

Cassie: I’m sorry Treece, I’ll buy you all new stuff tomorrow.

Treece: You can’t. You’re poorer than me. My Bottega Veneta!

[singing] Tweedledee hot
y’all full of bugs
I’m cutting you off from
all of my summer hugs

Cassie: No!

Treece: Yes!

PSA

Davis…  James Austin Johnson

Joanne… Aidy Bryant

Skim… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Natasha Lyonne

Cecily Strong

[Starts with video clips of different people]

Davis: My name is Davis. And I’m stupid.

Joanne: Hi, I’m Joanne. And for as long as I can remember. I’ve been a stupid person.

Skim: I’m scare. And my parents are both stupid. I’m stupid. And the grandson is stupid.

Kyle: Nearly one in five US adults live with a mental illness or learning disability.

Natasha: And we are not that. Believe me. They checked.

Davis: I’m just plain stupid.

Skim: I always knew I was different things. Things were obvious to everyone else were always very complicated for me.

Joanne: Jokes have to be explained. Movies have to be explained. Foods have to be explained. Slowly.

Cecily: [speaking on larynx Device] I don’t need this thing. I just thought it sounded cool. I guess that’s stupid.

Natasha: Most people like me go their whole lives without ever knowing they’re stupid. But we’re everywhere. We drive your buses, we run companies.

Davis: I write laws.

Kyle: And I don’t even know what I do.

Cecily: I found out I was stupid walking full speed into a glass window. A stained glass window.

Davis: Sarcasm just sounds like lies to me.

Joanne: Being stupid is not a choice.

Cecily: [on larynx device]It’s not a choice.

Skim: It’s a choice.

Natasha: Just because you are a stupid person doesn’t mean you don’t have a voice. So get out there.

Cecily: Get out there.

Natasha: And vote.

Davis: And vote. Let your voice be heard.

Skim: Vote.

Cecily: Vote.

Kyle: I’m stupid. And I vote.

Natasha: I vote. And I am very stupid.

Skim: Wait. This ain’t my grandson.

Joanne: Because my stupid vote counts as much as anybody else’s.

Cecily: And sometimes, way more like, in my county.

Natasha: So don’t let them stop you.

Davis: Don’t let them confuse you.

Skim: Somebody will say something. And then somebody else says something else. It’s just a match.

Cecily: You can vote. You can buy a gun.

Natasha: You can buy all the guns.

Davis: I watch one channel and I get so mad.

Joanne: My son’s wife is a smart person. She’s tearing us apart. Vote.

Davis: Get out there.

Skim: Vote every day if you have to.

Cecily: It’s not like they ask if you’re stupid.

Natasha: Nobody should have to learn things if they don’t want to.

Skim: I vote for donkey. But sometimes I like elephant.

Cecily: I want a candidate that smiles at me.

Joanne: The computer screen said prove you’re not a robot. So I cut myself.

Skim: Somebody will see a joke. And I’m like, is that real?

Natasha: My screen time is 14 hours a day. But they don’t know. I have another phone.

Davis: Vote.

Skim: Vote.

Kyle: volt!

Cecily: Dance.

Joanne: Vote for a tall man.

Natasha: Vote because they give you a sticker and you can put it anywhere.

Skim: Wait, this is my grandson.

 

Final Encounter Cold Open

Morris… Aidy Bryant

Fitzsimmons… Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Natasha Lyonne

Colleen… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with three people being held for investigation in NSA office]

Morris: Well, hello once again. [cheers and applause] I am agent Morris with the NSA and this is Special Agent Fitzsimmons.

Fitzsimmons: You three are a great interest to the US government as the bulk of you have experienced a third verified alien abduction.

Cecily: I mean, this is wild cuz we were just three gal pals road trippin to a hot sauce Expo. Now we’re VIP guests at the Pentagon.

Natasha: Yeah, and I just like to say for the record, Pentagon has always been my favorite shape. So this is a real treat for me.

Fitzsimmons: All right, good to hear. Now let’s start with how you were all brought into the spacecraft.

Cecily: Um, well we had pulled over on the side of the highway just to stretch our legs and suddenly I was like enveloped by this warm blue light.

Natasha: And it gently lifted us up onto the ship like we was floating. Well, then we met these aliens made pure energy. Almost like angels sir. I just about cried.

Morris: And you Ms. Rafferty?

Colleen: [smoking] Yes, same.

Morris: Oh, really.

Colleen: No, obviously not. Yeah, I wasn’t so much gently lifted as I was yanked skyward by some kind of claw machine device. And mind you, I’m popping squat on the median at the time. So I slide right out of my slacks and I’m being rocketed up to the ship with my coot-coote prune shooting, yeah. I barely managed to pull my Wonder ware backup.

Fitzsimmons: I’m sorry, your wonder wear?

Colleen: Yeah, I call them that because if you saw him, you’d wonder where they’ve been. Anyway, so I get dumped on board the bottom of the ship and I see my old pals, a little grey aliens with the big dumb eyes and it hits me, “Colleen, this might be the most stable relationship you ever had.”

Morris: Well, that’s unfortunate. Now once you were on board, what happened?

Natasha: While the aliens, they showed us like the five elemental forces that knit the fabric of reality together. And y’all never believe this but those five forces were arranged in a pentagon.

Cecily: And there’s a universal language that like, bond’s the universe together. The closest word we have to describe it is love.

Morris: And you Ms. Rafferty.

Colleen: A little different down in third class. I get on board and the grey aliens, god bless them, they’re already standing in line waiting about my knockers around. So I think what the hell, play the hits, right? I started on buttoning my blouse, but I’m still in my skivvies which are real loose. So my yeasty and my beastie are in full view. Listen, not to get too graphic but pubic-ly speaking, it’s is a jungle down there. I got more hair poking out the sides than a hipsters beard stuffed into an n95. I’m not proud of it but hey, why clean the house and nobody’s coming over, right?

Morris: Thanks, Ms. Rafferty for that detailed account? Now? What happened next with the energy beings?

Natasha: Well, aliens showed us how an infinite number of realities can coexist at once.

Cecily: Yeah, and like how, all the different realities converge in this one spot where all the love of every being exists forever. It’s kind of what we would call heaven.

Colleen: What? All right, no, these are these two are hanging with Dr. Strange in the multiverse. Meanwhile I’m stuck with the Madness, okay? Because back in economy, word is out about my hairy squatter and the greys are all buzzed, okay? These clowns are pointing at Madame their hair, and they’re kind of— They’re elbowing each other. Like, “Hey, are you guys seeing this?”

Fitzsimmons: So the group’s reaction was one of excitement?

Colleen: Yeah, like when a dog— Like a dog when its owner comes home from work. Whoo! It was bedlam, okay? They’re running around. They’re waving their arms like Kermit the Frog. Making weird little noises like [making noise] And then one of these little bastards runs up, and I’m sorry Carla, I gotta use you here. Plucks one, yeah. Plucks one right out, start showing it off. And suddenly my curlies have become the must have item of the season. And they’re flying out the shelves. These morons are grabbing and grabbing, climbing all over each other like my bush is the last lifeboat on the Titanic.

Morris: And were you unsettled by this at all.?

Colleen: No, honestly, the entire time all I could think was “Damn, that fortune teller was dead on.” Did you guys get any that pube stuff?

Cecily: No, no pube stuff. Sorry.

Colleen: Hey, don’t apologize. First time in my life, I’m ready for bikini season.

Morris: Wow. Again, very detailed. Well, how are you returned to Earth?

Cecily: So there was another self light that washed over me and I was instantly just back to where I was before.

Natasha: Oh, it was like waking up from an amazing dream.

Colleen: Okay, see now, that really rips my nips. Because I had to climb down a GD rope ladder that was too short. Right? So I dropped 20 feet and I land ass up with my dong haul and my wrong haul out in the middle of a field.

Fitzsimmons: And what happened next?

Colleen: the umpire called timeout. And the mid security staff took me out of the stadium. Look not the most embarrassing thing I’ve done on a Jumbotron.

Morris: That was a riveting testimony. But there is something you should all know. We’ve been in contact with the beings.

Fitzsimmons: They have offered the US government access to some of their technology if one of you agrees to go with them permanently.

Colleen: Well, I can read the room, it’s me right? Sure. Why not? I always kind of felt like an alien on this planet anyway.

[a door opens. It’s dark here and very bright behind the door. Colleen walks to the door.]

Well, Earth, I love you. Thanks for letting me stay a while. [two aliens come out and look around] Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

ESPNs First Take NBA

Molly Coram… Chloe

Stephen A. Smith… Chris Redd

Kendrick Perkins…. Kenan Thompson

Michael Rapaport… Natasha Lyonne

[Starts with four people on First Take set]

Molly: Welcome to first take ESPN home for the hottest sports takes. I’m Molly Coram here with the outspoken Stephen A. Smith

Stephen: Molly, I mean this from the bottom of my heart, this right here, this is a good morning.

Molly: And former Boston Celtics big man, Kendrick Perkins.

Kendrick: Steve a day, I’m sorry brother but you wrong on this one. This is actually a great morning, okay? Historically, it goes this morning right here, and then the morning when Jesus came back, and then where we at right here is three. All right, let’s carry the hell on.

Molly: Glad we got that sorted. And also joining us is New York super fan and occasional guest, the always outspoken Michael Rapaport.

Michael: Yo, yo, yo, what up, my leagues? I make this quick because I got a long day ahead of me walking around my neighborhood, waving my arms like a frickin idiot and yelling in my phone. But listen, you guys are wrong, okay? God, you’re so frickin wrong, alright? Because it’s a frickin spectacular day. Don’t rangers are in the playoffs. The Yankees are in first place. And the Jets are undefeated because the season hasn’t started.

Kendrick: Oh, there’s a diss. You’re dissing now.

Molly: Guys, let’s remember, it’s 10 AM. Our audience of unemployed dads is just waking up. Okay? Four teams are left in the NBA playoffs and everyone is talking about Dallas vs. Golden State Luca Doncic. vs. Steph Curry. So who you got Doncic or Curry?

Stephen: Molly. I’ve thought about this question very deeply. I’ve consulted with my family, my friends and my doctor. And today, I must declare that I got Steph Curry because he’s the greatest shooter of all time. And he can, and Molly, I’ve personally seen him do this, shoot a ball from San Francisco into the first class seat on an airplane, and stay with me, six hours later the ball switches into a basket at Madison Square Garden.

Kendrick: Stephen, with all due respect, Steph Curry is the worst player to ever play the game of basketball. I made sure he scored 30 last game but my man Luca got a 40 piece, and then he pulled down eight biscuits and threw in some extra sauces. Okay, your man Steph is too short. The boy needs a ladder to comb his own hair.

Molly: Michael, you’re the tiebreaker. Steph or Luca?

Michael: Yo man. I’m not even watching the playoffs.

Molly: I thought you were a huge fan of basketball.

Michael: Yo, you’re freaking wrong about that. Look, I’m a fan of Knicks. And it’s not basketball. It is players playing in layups off the bottom of the frickin rim. It’s fans catching foul basketballs. It’s leaving the game 20 minutes early and twice as frickin angry. That’s the real NBA you frickin worms.

Kendrick: Come on. That ain’t real NBA.

Molly: Guys, guys, please calm down. We just got a noise complaint from the church across the street. Alright, let’s get back on track. Dallas is number two in the league scoring defense which brings us to our next big sports question, is a hot dog a sandwich?

Stephen: Molly, this is the toughest decision I’ve ever had to make and my grandmother spent four months on a ventilator. That’s why we don’t attend city listening tour in Wienermobile. And today I can say without a doubt that a hot dog is a sandwich for that one forever, Amen.

Kendrick: No, no no. Steven A, somebody that go oops upside your head. A hot dog is a sandwich in the same way cereal is a soup.

Stephen: Oh, cereal is a soup. Cereal is a soup.

Kendrick: It’s not even close. Come on, now. Soup is only a soup because you got to cook it.

Michael: Oh, is that right? Oh, you got to cook soup, huh? Well, I got one boy that’s gonna knock the beard right off your frickin smug face. Because Gazpacho, oh! Oh, I guess somebody forgot the friggin cuisine of Spain, and that’s sports.

Kendrick: Hold on. Gazpacho ain’t no soup. That’s just a salsa that went to finish school. Let’s go.

Molly: Okay, guys, let’s take a break so our airport bar viewers can order another morning beer. When we come back, we’ll ask the sports question on everybody’s mind, does Bigfoot exist?

Kendrick: Oh, hell yeah. Hell yeah. That stinky little freak walked into my house one time, and then I shave him down. And we went to the club.

Stephen: Oh come on.

Michael: Ay, invite me next time, alright?