Near-Death Experience

Aidy Bryant

Bobby Moynihan

Cecily Strong

Brie Larson

Rapordy… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with two doctors interviewing three women in American Medical Association]

Aidy: I’m Dr. Rhodes and this is Dr. Christian. Now, we know you’ve been through a lot this past week. And we appreciate you being here.

Bobby: Yes. The fact that you three were technically dead for 55 minutes makes your near death experience of great interest to the scientific community.

Cecily: This is nuts, man! I mean, we were just gal pals on a road trip who took a wrong turn into a lake. And now we’re medical miracles.

Aidy: Indeed. Now after your car became submerged and you lost consciousness, what was your first lucent memory?

Cecily: Um, my soul was gently lifted out of my body by like, a beautiful glowing being and it said, “I am your guardian angel. You are safe with me.” And then we just floated up out of the car into the sky.

Brie: Same here. My angel said, “Take my hand, dear child.” We floated up pretty high but I wasn’t scared. I felt like infused with this warm loving energy.

Bobby: And you, miss Rapordy?

Rapordy: Yeah, similar concept, different execution. [smoking a cigarette] My angel said, “I’m Keith. Hold on.” And then he violently yanked my soul up out of my body by the waist band in my sweatpants.

Aidy: And did you also feel loving energy?

Rapordy: No. No. What I mostly felt was the pinching of an epic lady wedge. Coz I was being freaking air-lifted by the crotch in my sweatpants and it was jacked up into my coo-coo.

Bobby: I see. And this all occurred while you were floating.

Rapordy: Yeah, I wouldn’t call it float. Uh, Keith would ratchet us into the air and quick 5 foot spurts followed by sudden stops. I think if I was a role, it would be employee of the month.

Bobby: I see. Now, after you left your bodies, what happened next?

Cecily: Um, I was in a tunnel and at the end there was a bright glow like, beaconing me forward. I drifted to the light with my angel. I don’t know. It felt like I was going like, home.

Brie: Yeah. I mean, it sounds corny but the close I got to the light, the more my heart filled with love.

Rapordy: What? These two Cinderellas are going to the ball. Meanwhile, cut to my tunnel, which is a 6 miles long steep slope that Keith made me run down in flip-flops. And now mind you, my sweats were so stretched out, they kept falling off. So I just had to kick em’ off. And now, I’m full Donald Ducking it. And I’m hoofing down a 45 degree decline with my fun-bun and mud-gun hanging out playing view.

Bobby: Now, what occurred when you all reached the end of this tunnel?

Cecily: In the light, I saw my mama. She said, “I’m always with you, baby.” I just never wanted to let go.

Brie: I saw my grand daddy. He took my hand. He didn’t say anything. He just smiled and happy cried. Words can’t describe how amazing it was.

Rapordy: Well, again I stray from the pack here. So, I get into my light and out come thousands of dogs. All sizes, all breeds. Just dogs running around, playing and yapping and nipping at each other. And I’m sporting no pants. So, I’m fighting off to gaggle at cold snouts trying to sniff my drainer and my stainer. Look, at least somebody’s interested, right?

Aidy: And now, do dogs have special significance in your life?

Rapordy: No. No. No. I think Keith bached and sent me to dog heaven. By this point, it’s pretty clear, Keith was learning on the job.

Aidy: Do any of you remember the moment you essentially came back to life?

Brie: Yeah. My angel said to me, “It is not your time.” And then cradled me like a baby, took me back down and gently placed my soul back into my body.

Cecily: Yeah. It felt like being tucked into bed by your mama.

Rapordy: Okay. Now I am actually a little ticked off. My angel jammed my soul into my body like it was shoving a carry on into a crowded over head bin. I was like, “Keith, bud, maybe come up with a different game plan here.” And he was like, “No, no. I can make it fit.” And he was using his elbows, jamming on my soul.

Bobby: Now, why do you think it was so difficult?

Rapordy: Alright, my theory is this. Keith accidentally grabbed one of the dead dog’s souls and stuffed it into my body. Coz I’m pretty sure the soul of the Scottish Terrier has set up shop in my right knocker.

Aidy: What is it that makes you think that?

Rapordy: Well, whenever the doorbell rings, my knocker goes crazy. It’s like, I’m– I gotta–

[Raporty grabs Cecily’s right breast]

It’s like this. [shaking Cecily’s breast] Rawr, rawr, rawr, rawr.

Cecily: Well, why don’t you just demonstrate on yourself?

Rapordy: I didn’t want to wake him up.

Aidy: Well, this is all very fascinating. Well, if you’ll follow me, we’d like to do some light brain mapping.

[everybody stand]

Rapordy: Alright. Let’s just make it quick coz I think someone’s up now. [looking at her breasts] Sit! Sit!

[The End]