Desmond… Beck Bennett
Kyle Mooney[Starts with Kyle walking outside his house. He looks around. Then he picks the package that’s out of his door.] [Desmond comes running]
Desmond: Neighbor! OMG! What’s going on? It’s good to see you.
Kyle: Hey, Desmond.
Desmond: Oh, please, call me Dizzy.
Kyle: No thanks.
Desmond: Aw. Well, how have you been?
Kyle: You know, doing okay considering.
Desmond: Right? Holding up, doing the best we can. Puzzles.
Kyle: Right, yeah.
Desmond: But seriously, just stay six feet away from me at all times. Social distancing.
Kyle: Yes. I know about all that. I’m not trying to come close to you.
Desmond: It can also travel though droplets and live on surfaces for a long time. So, don’t tough things with your fingers and put your fingers in your eye and your nose and your throat or your mouth. Don’t suck on them.
kyle: I’m nog toing to suck on them.
Desmond: No. Yeah. But did you also know that they can travel through farts now?
Kyle: I’m sorry, farts?
Desmond: Still, be careful. We can’t be sniffing our farts willy nilly like, normal.
Kyle: I’m not going around smelling farts willy nilly.
Desmond: No, yeah, I know. But did you hear that you can pass the virus on by spitting in somebody’s throat?
Kyle: Why would I spit in somebody’s throat?
Desmond: Coz like– it was like– it could be a game if you can make it into your friend’s mouth from like, a certain distance away. Uh, but we can’t be playing that game anymore
Kyle: I’m sorry. What game is that?
Desmond: Spit throat?
Kyle: That’s not a game.
Desmond: I play it with my dad every Sundays.
Kyle: You play it with your father?
Desmond: Not anymore, though. I can’t do it.
Kyle: I can’t say I’ve ever played spit throat.
Desmond: You never played spit throat?
Kyle: Oh, god! Well, I’m taking all the necessary precautions.
Desmond: Yes! Thank you, coz– thanks. Thank you. Somebody is, because not all the neighbors are as good as you and me. Some of them are bad people and I’m thinking about reporting them.
Kyle: Well, I’m sure everybody’s doing their best.
Desmond: They’re not. The other day, I saw the Richardsons having sex with each other.
Kyle: Yes. They live together. And they’re married.
Desmond: No, it’s not. They shouldn’t be able to do it. Not while we can’t. I mean with– who knows who’s going to have sex with who?
Kyle: I under– I– Okay.
Desmond: I’ve been doing so many dishes. Cooking, cleaning. I feel like cinderella slaving away for my evil stepsisters. Except I don’t have any stepsisters. It’s just me. I’m all by myself. I’m alone. I’m all alone all by myself.
Kyle: Well, man. I think we’re all feeling pretty lonely.
Desmond: Right. Pretty much day 16, I was doing my pillow.
Kyle: I’m sorry. You were doing your pillow?
Kyle: It seems like, you just said that you were doing your pillow.
Desmond: I– I have not been doing anything to my pillow. I was fluffing it.
Kyle: Alright, Desmond, I’ve got to go. Okay?
Desmond: Wait! I don’t have a roommate. Do you have a roommate?
Kyle: No. But that’s–
Desmond: We could form a cell and live together and pool resources and duties. Yes!
Desmond: Please. Let me live with you.
Kyle: Absolutely not. No. I’m not– I don’t want to do that.
Desmond: Cool. I saw that you left your house for six hours the other day. Was that an essential trip?
Kyle: I’m sorry, you were watching me? That’s creepy!
Desmond: Neighborhood watch. We’re all in this together. So, if somebody in the neighborhood happens to leave on non-essential trip, picks up some droplets maybe, brings the virus back in the neighborhood, it’s my duty to report it. Unless that person was my roommate.
Kyle: Are you trying to blackmail me into being roommates?
Desmond: Let me just know what you think about living together.
Kyle: It’s not gonna happen. Please, just leave me alone, Desmond.
Desmond:Tell you what. I’m gonna bring some banana bread in a little tinfoil package. And then, maybe that’ll change your mind.
Kyle: No. I don’t– I don’t need your banana bread.
Desmond: Aww! [Desmond snaps his finger and disappears.] [Kyle is looking around. Desmond jus appears beside him again.]
Kyle: [scared] Oh, god!
Desmond: Banana bread.
Kyle: No, I don’t want that.
Desmond: Let me live with you. [Kyle runs in] Aw!