Netflix Live Promo- Jeannie Darcy

[Starts with Netflix intro of a stand up special promo] [door knocking]

Male voice: They’re ready for you.

[Jeannie walks to the stage]

Male voice: Three, two, one. And we’re live.

Jeannie: Have you guys heard of this TikTok thing? The only tick-tock I hear is my biological clock. Don’t get me started. Don’t even get me started.

[the audience are watching awkwardly]

Male voice: Jeannie Darcy, Selective Startage.

Arsenio Hall: No one brings it like Jeanne Darcy. And this time the Darcinator is live. Which means you’re hearing her jokes at the same time she’s telling them instead of being able to stream it late at your convenience. Which is the reason most people get Netflix.

Male voice: Jeanne Darcy shows no mercy.

Jeannie: I had a bra fitting the other day. I tried one on and had a fit. Men must design these things. Has anyone ever seen a jock strap with under Wire? Am I right lady friends? You get my 411? Do not even think of getting me started.

Wanda Sykes: Jeanne Darcy is a legend. That girl inspired a whole generation of lesbian comedians.

Male voice: She’s not a lesbian.

Wanda Sykes: Say what now?

Male voice: Jeannie Darcy, Takes no prisoners.

Jeannie: My friend got a dog and always complains that he messes up her house and jumps in her bed. I said, Are you sure it’s a dog? Or is it my ex-husband? Who’s with me? Don’t get me started. Don’t even get me started.

Sarah Silverman: Oh my god. Jeannie is awesome. She even gave me her set lists.

Jeannie: I just got one of those new Tesla electric cars. I couldn’t get it started. Don’t get me started.

Male voice: Jeannie Darcy, Selective Startage, streaming live tonight.

Jeannie: Don’t even get me started.

Weekend Update- Disney+ Overtaking Netflix & New Superman Is Bi

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a pictures of Disney+ and Netflix logos at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Experts say that by 2026, Disney+ will surpass Netflix to become the top streaming platform in the world. “Not so fast”, said Pornhub.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Superman logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: DC comics announced that the new Superman will be bisexual. Yes, they also announced that the Riddler has always been down for whatever.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a ranch at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A California ranch once owned by Ronald Raegan is being threatened by a large wildfire. Crews are hoping to put out the blaze by pouring water onto a nearby hill and hoping it trickles down. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Taylor Swift and Adele at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: An economics joke. Music commentators are noting that upcoming releases from Taylor Swift and Adele signal a shift in the industry from hot girls summer to sad girl autumn. Yes, which is followed as always by messy diva Christmas. [Picture changes to Mariah Carey] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Israel map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Archaeologists in Israel have discovered a 1500 year old winery. Wow. It’s crazy that Jewish people have been making wine for that long and they still haven’t gotten any good at it. [Picture changes to Manischewitz wine] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a band at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: The Rolling Stones announced they will no longer play the 1971 song brown sugar which is about having sex with a slave. Something I wish I had realized before I chose it at Karaoke.

[Picture changes to Waymo taxis]

Officials with Waymo, a self driving taxi service say that after a year, robo taxis still have trouble with left turns and puddles. Which explains Waymo’s slogan “Let’s get in Way Mo’ accidents”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Woman gives birth to 14 pound baby” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A woman in Arizona gave birth to a 14 pound baby boy. So now, Arizona has two grand canyons. It’s a math jokes. I’m surprised you didn’t get it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a mansion and Playboy logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Oh my god. One of Hugh Hefner’s former girlfriends revealed that the Playboy mansion is haunted. She knew it was haunted because if you turn on a black light, you see ectoplasm everywhere.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of a python at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A British woman was shocked when she discovered a four foot long python in her toilet. But ey, that’s Indian food for you.