Weekend Update New M&Ms Hong Kong Hamsters

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of m&m’s logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: m&ms announced that they’ve redesigned their iconic m&m characters after people requested that the brown m&m not look like a teacher who has sex with their students.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Prince Andrew and his ex girlfriend at right top corner.]

Michael Che: In a new documentary, an ex girlfriend of Prince Andrew described Jeffrey Epstein and Julian Maxwell as Batman and Robin,. Come on, what does Batman and Robin have in common with a billionaire that grooms teenagers?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kyle Rittenhouse at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Wow. Gen Z icon Kyle Rittenhouse is petitioning the court for the return of his rifle so he can destroy it. I don’t know. Careful Kyle, trying to get your memorabilia back is how they finally got OJ.

[Picture changes to Bono]

New interview, Bono reveals that he never liked the name U2, adding “I also kind of hate Ireland.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of

Michael Che: Actor John Voight recently released a video claiming that Abraham Lincoln spirit was guiding Donald Trump. Hopefully not to a theater.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Wheel Of Fortune logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Longtime director of Wheel of Fortune has died at the age of 92. Said Wheel of Fortune viewers, “Wow. So Young.”

[Picture changes to the logo of the new show “Rings of Power”]

Amazon announced that their new “Lord of the Rings” TV series will be called “Rings of Power”, though I’m personally more excited for the spin off “Gollum in Paris”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a map of Hong Kong and a rat at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Officials in Hong Kong announced that after some hamsters in a pet store tested positive for COVID. they had to kill more than Michael Che000 of the pets. Okay, but they didn’t have to do it in front of the class! [Picture changes to a group of children being shocked] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a guitar and a flag of Canada at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man in Canada stole an $8,000 guitar by hiding it in his pants. Police caught the man when he got an erection and it sounded like this. [rock guitar solo playing] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a goldfish at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Scientists have trained a goldfish to drive a car. They believe it’s the first step to eventually training women.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dwayne The Rock Johnson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Dwayne Johnson said that a skull of a T-Rex seen behind him during a recent interview was a replica and not the real thing. Johnson also said it’s just a coincidence that his diet calls for 1000 pounds of dinosaur meat a day.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Oldest person in US dies at 115” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The oldest living person in the United States died this week at the age of Colin JostColin Jost5. It’s a powerful reminder to always test your cocaine for fentanyl.

Weekend Update Robert Durst Dies New Maya Angelou Quarter

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of Robert Durst at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Robert Durst, the New York real estate heir who murdered his friend and dismembered his neighbor has died in prison. Durst will be remembered as New York’s fourth worst real estate heir. [picture changes to three children of Donald J. Trump] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a coin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The late Maya Angelou has become the first black woman featured on the quarter, which is not what black people mean when we demand change.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a phone at left top of the corner.]

Colin Jost: Google is claiming that Apple’s practice of using blue bubbles in their iMessage app to highlight other Apple users leads to peer pressure and bullying of Android users. While Apple says Android users could easily solve the problem by not being so dumb and poor.

[Picture changes to Prince Andrew at left top corner.]

Prince Andrew who faces charges of sexual abuse has been stripped of his royal duties by Queen Elizabeth. It’s an unprecedented case of an adult stripping Prince Andrew.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Domino’s chicken wings at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yeah, royal duties. Domino’s is reducing the number of chicken wings included in their meals and I really wish I’d known that before I had my delivery guy fired for stealing.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Uber logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man in Virginia is being called the greatest Uber driver ever after he and his teenage passenger got stuck in a snowstorm and he got a hotel room so she would be safe. Coincidentally, the worst Uber driver ever also brought his teenage passenger to a hotel.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a bar at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A lesbian bar in New York City is now offering on site COVID tests for customers. They plan to use a much less invasive technique where they sort of just grind around the outside.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Taco Bell logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Taco Bell– This is a terrible transition. Oh god. Taco Bell has introduced a subscription service that lets users get one taco every day for $Colin Jost0 a month. Which kind of sounds like an insult in a rap battle. This bitch so fast he got a subscription to tacos.

New Governess

Maria… Kate McKinnon

Ariana DeBose

Sarah Sherman

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a clip of mountains in Austria, 1938] [Cut to Maria giving instructions to the children in home]

Maria: Now children, as you know, I recently moved in with your neighbors, the Von Traps, and I instantly made all of their children perfect. And your father says you’re in need of the same thing.

Sarah: Oh, Maria, you’re going to be our teacher too?

Maria: Well, no. Not quite. See, between concerts and puppet shows and fleeing the Nazis, I’m already stretched quite thin.

Bowen: But then who’s going to be our new governess?

Maria: I’m delighted to say I found someone perfect. She’s quirky and fun. And just like me, she just got kicked out of a nunnery for erratic behavior. Flous Menken.

[Flous Menken comes in dancing and singing]

Flous Menken: [singing] The hills are alive

Andrew: Oh, wow, Maria. She loves the outdoors. Just like you.

Flous Menken: Oh, no. I’m saying the hills are alive and do not go out there.

Maria: Okay, she’s not exactly like me.

Flous Menken: Well, now, children. If Maria has taught me anything in the car ride over here, it’s that you can solve all of the family’s emotional problems just by singing.

Chris: Singing. What’s that?

Flous Menken: Oh, it’s easy. I’ll teach you, with Maria’s permission. Of course.

Maria: Yes. Pretend that I’m not even here. You can be great.

[music playing]

Flous Menken: [singing] Let’s start at the very start of the song
It’d be crazy to start in the middle
When you read you begin with do-re-mi
and singing is exactly the same

How am I doing Maria?

Maria: Good. You’re doing great.

Andrew: But we still don’t know how just sing.

Flous Menken: Hmm. Well, how can I make this simpler? Ah, yes. Like this.

[singing] Do- a thing that Homer Simpson says
Re- A movie with Jamie Fox
Me- like Me, Myself and Diary
Fa- like fought without a T

Maria: Okay. Just stick to the–

Flous Menken: So- an album by Peter Gabriel
La- what people call Los Angeles

Ti- the shape of an IUD

Maria: They’re children!

Flous Menken: And when Homer gets mad he says “Do!”

Alright children. I think it’s your turn.

Andrew: This might surprise you but we didn’t catch all that.

Flous Menken: Don’t think. Just sing.

Bowen: Alright, I’ll try.

Do- the last name of a body found in a river

Sarah: Re- Romano everybody loves here

Andrew: Me- A kid who pees in the sink

Chris: Fa- like the end of queen Latifah

Flous Menken: So- how children make our sneakers
La- the start of Queen Latifah
Ti- like the middle of Queen Latifah

All: And when Homer gets mad he says Do-oh-oh-do!

[Sarah is holding a picture of Homer Simpson]

Maria: Where did you get that?

Flous Menken: Oh, I stole it from the Vatican. Please don’t tell anyone.

Maria: Okay. Listen. I really, I must object to some of your lyrics. You’ve used Queen Latifah three times.

Flous Menken: Well, what did you say for La?

Maria: I said “La- the note that follows So”

Chris: Damn, that’s so lazy.

Sarah: Yeah. Queen Latifa is way better than that.

Greta: Flous Menken, can I try?

[everyone is shocked]

Andrew: Greta spoke!

Bowen: Yes! For the first time since witnessing mother’s gruesome death.

Flous Menken: Now, that’s the power of song. Sing Greta. Oh, seeing you beautiful angel.

Greta: Do- a deer, a female deer 

Flous Menken: Okay, stop, stop, stop, sweetie darling. I really hate to correct you. I know this is a big moment for you. But a female deer is not called to a Do. It’s called a lady deer.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: What is all of this noise? Singing in my house?

Sarah: Oh, papa, don’t be mad.

Kenan: Mad? quite the opposite. As a young man, I was considered something of a sham– And I would take my inspiration from the most beautiful thing in the world. Fast food.

[singing] Curly fries, waffle fries
every Tuesday at RVs
Jalapeño bites, taste so nice
grease on the crotch of my khakis

Sing with me, children.

All: Gravy fries, crispy fries
every Tuesday at RVs

Weekend Update Adele Proposal New Lethal Weapon Movie

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news et. There’s a picture of Adele at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man surprised his girlfriend by bringing you’re on stage to propose to her during an Adele concert. Then they sat down and listened to an hour of songs about divorce.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Lethal Weapon poster at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Mel Gibson is reportedly in talks to direct a new Lethal Weapon movie but if you want to see a broken down black guy team up with a handsome racist, just watch Weekend Update.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Frida Kahlo painting at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Thanks. Thanks.I wasn’t addressed. Anyway, a self Portrait by Frida Kahlo was sold at auction for the record some of $34 million. A price that definitely raised some eyebrows.

[Picture changes to an article that says “Professor: not immoral for adults to be attracted to children”.]

A professor at a college in Virginia is being criticized after saying that it is not immoral for adults to be sexually attracted to children. Find out why and his new book – “Wait, hold on! Hear me out…”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of bees at right top corner.]

Michael Che: New research shows that before honey bees are killed by murder Hornets, they scream a rally cry to other bees… who sadly just film the attack on their phones.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Disneyland logo at left top corner.]

It’s not real, guys.

Colin Jost: Bees. It was announced that for the first time ever, Disney parks will feature black Santa Clauses. Unfortunately, as part of the villains parade.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Queen Elizabeth at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Royal experts are saying that Queen Elizabeth’s health has entered a different phase and the public may not see her until February. So, you know what that means. New titties!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of moon at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week the US experienced the longest partial lunar eclipse in nearly 600 years. Scientists say the Eclipse began when yo mama got on the trampoline.

 

New Military Weapon

Major… Simu Liu

Senator… James Austin Johnson

Secretary… Cecily Strong

Scientist… Mikey Day

[Starts with Madam Secretary and Senator visiting the military camp]

Major: Madam Secretary, Senator, thanks for making the time for us.

Secretary: Well, when you allocate $500 million of taxpayer money to develop a new weapon system, you find the time.

Senator: Yeah, we’re eager to see what you’ve been working on.

Major: Of course. My orders in heading this project were clear. Make America the technological leader in the battlefield. But Battlefield has changed, and so must our soldiers.

Secretary: Enough with the foreplay, Major. You’re gonna whip it out or what?

Major: Bit of a crude way to put it, but yes, yes. Imagine a soldier with undying loyalty, built in night vision, supersonic hearing, and the ability to track an enemy sent with Major5,000 times the accuracy of a normal human nose.

Secretary: You’re telling me you’ve made an AI driven robotic soldier with that kind of capability?

Major: Oh, even better. We made this.

[The curtain falls. There’s a guy with dog’s head.]

Secretary: Major, what am I looking at?

Major: Project Domino, subject MajorMajor9 C, also known as dog head man.

Secretary: You put a dog’s head on a human beings body?

Scientist: A dog’s head and neck, ma’am.

Secretary: Okay, and you want to send that thing into active combat?

Major: Oh, absolutely. Dog head man is an extremely well trained battlefield asset. In fact, he can assemble a Tech9 carbine combat rifle faster than any human soldier. Observe.

Scientist: And go dog head man.

[The dog head man can’t even assemble the rifle]

Senator: I just have one question major. Does this thing go to the bathroom on a toilet? Or does it go outside and you got to clean up after it?

Secretary: That’s your one question?

Senator: I think the American people would want to know.

Scientist: And time. [the dog head man has assembled the rifle.] 11 seconds. Good girl, dog head, man.

Secretary: Did you say good girl?

Scientist: Yes, it’s a female dog’s head on a human man’s body?

Major: Shall we begin prepping for mass production?

Secretary: Absolutely not. Where did you even get the parts to make this thing?

Major: Let’s not worry about that. I should also mention that dog had man is trained in over Scientist6 forms of hand to hand combat.

Scientist: I don’t know about you, ma’am. But if I saw this coming at me on the battlefield, if I saw this thing coming at me on the battlefield, I would drop my weapon and run away.

Secretary: Yeah. Well, of course you would. Look at you. Look, I’m sorry, but I don’t think the US military can get behind this project.

Major: How can you say that ma’am? Look at him. That is the finest soldier this country has ever produced.

Secretary: Really? Really major.? You think that thing can handle a high level mission? You think that they could’ve taken Bin Laden?

Major: Oh! Not only what dog head man have taken Bin Laden out. He would have eaten him too.

Secretary: Well, that’s the war crime.

Major: Oh, ma’am, I just don’t think you’re seeing the bigger picture here.

Secretary: I am. And it’s extremely disturbing.

Senator: Yeah, I have to agree. I have to agree. I’m not gonna sign off on this until I know where that thing goes to the bathroom.

Major: Look. If I didn’t believe this would save American lives, I would not have convinced my father to donate his body and his dog to this project. I mean, look what he’s doing right now. He’s defusing a bomb for God’s sake.

Scientist: Dog head man. Dog head man. He’s investigating his own body. It happens. Dog head man.

Secretary: While he’s still eating his sandwich?

Scientist: Good. Good, dog head man. Red wire. Good. He’s cutting the detonator wire first. Good.

Secretary: He’s just licking it.

Major: Ah, whatever. You guys went into this wanting to hate it. So, nothing we could say can change your mind. Guess we’ll close the project down and let China take the lead and dog head man soldiers.

Secretary: Whoa! Whoa! China is working on one of these? Well, why didn’t you say so? Get mass production started immediately.

Major: Oh, yes, ma’am. We’re gonna need to find a lot of animal shelters that look the other way.

Weekend Update- Disney+ Overtaking Netflix & New Superman Is Bi

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a pictures of Disney+ and Netflix logos at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Experts say that by 2026, Disney+ will surpass Netflix to become the top streaming platform in the world. “Not so fast”, said Pornhub.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Superman logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: DC comics announced that the new Superman will be bisexual. Yes, they also announced that the Riddler has always been down for whatever.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a ranch at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A California ranch once owned by Ronald Raegan is being threatened by a large wildfire. Crews are hoping to put out the blaze by pouring water onto a nearby hill and hoping it trickles down. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Taylor Swift and Adele at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: An economics joke. Music commentators are noting that upcoming releases from Taylor Swift and Adele signal a shift in the industry from hot girls summer to sad girl autumn. Yes, which is followed as always by messy diva Christmas. [Picture changes to Mariah Carey] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Israel map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Archaeologists in Israel have discovered a 1500 year old winery. Wow. It’s crazy that Jewish people have been making wine for that long and they still haven’t gotten any good at it. [Picture changes to Manischewitz wine] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a band at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: The Rolling Stones announced they will no longer play the 1971 song brown sugar which is about having sex with a slave. Something I wish I had realized before I chose it at Karaoke.

[Picture changes to Waymo taxis]

Officials with Waymo, a self driving taxi service say that after a year, robo taxis still have trouble with left turns and puddles. Which explains Waymo’s slogan “Let’s get in Way Mo’ accidents”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Woman gives birth to 14 pound baby” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A woman in Arizona gave birth to a 14 pound baby boy. So now, Arizona has two grand canyons. It’s a math jokes. I’m surprised you didn’t get it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a mansion and Playboy logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Oh my god. One of Hugh Hefner’s former girlfriends revealed that the Playboy mansion is haunted. She knew it was haunted because if you turn on a black light, you see ectoplasm everywhere.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of a python at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A British woman was shocked when she discovered a four foot long python in her toilet. But ey, that’s Indian food for you.

Weekend Update- New Dick’s Sporting Goods Store & Taylor Swift Re-Records Album

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Dick’s Sporting Goods logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Dick’s Sporting Goods is opening a new experiential store with a rock climbing wall, sports fields and indoor wellness space. Unfortunately, they’re calling it “Hands-on Dick’s”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Taylor Swift at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Taylor Swift has released an album of re-recorded versions of her album ‘Fearless’ which she first made when she was 18. Wow, that’s impressive because if I released a number of things I wrote when I was 18, I would be fired immediately.

[Picture changes to Tyler Perry]

Tyler Perry is developing a new TV series that explores the origin of his character Media, weirdly as part of his new superhero franchise, “The Averngers”.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a house at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The house where Lizzie Borden murdered her parents has been sold for $Michael Che million and will be turned into a bed and breakfast. Though, a bread and breakfast where a murder happened is pretty much just Days Inn.

[Picture changes to a bird feeder and a bird.]

The CDC is warning about a salmonella outbreak that’s linked to bird feeders. Yet another piece of bad news for people who eat out of bird feeders.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Will.I.Am at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Singer Will.I.Am announced that he is developing a new face mask that will come with an air filter, bluetooth and noise cancelling earbuds. Or, hear me out, just get the vaccine, man. I like Will.I.Am, but if you don’t make another hit soon, you gonna be Will.I.Was.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Captain Underpants at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The publishers of the Captain Underpants books have cancelled the spinoffs of the popular series saying it promoted “passive racism”, which is not what I expected a guy called ‘Captain Underpants’ to get cancelled for.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Starbucks at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Starbucks has launched a new eco friendly program called ‘borrow a cup’ in which customers return their cup after finishing their drink so the store can use it again. And Dunkin’ donuts plans to compete with this promotion by not doing that.

[The picture changes to a map of Texas and handcuffs.]

Texas police arrested a woman who broke into a man’s house, stripped naked and in one of his beds. The man called the police when he realized the woman was not attractive.

Weekend Update New Minimum Wage Amanda Gorman Super Bowl Poem

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Capitol building at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Democrats in congress have introduced legislation to raise a federal minimum wage to $15 an hour which would finally give minimum wage workers the ability to pay rent in the year 1995.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Amanda Gorman at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The NFL has announced that the Super Bowl pre game show will feature Amanda Gorman who resided her poem “The Hill We Climb” in the inauguration. The show also feature Rob Gronkowski residing his poem, “The Man From The Nantucket”.

[Picture changes to a shark]

According to a new report, Michael Che0Michael Che0 was one of the deadliest years for shark attacks with 10 reported fatalities. “Adorable,” said bats.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Belle Delphine at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was reported that adult model Belle Delphine is making over $1 million a month by selling her used bathwater which is crazy because it doesn’t taste that good.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of McDonald’s nuggets at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: McDonald’s announced that for a limited time, it’s bringing back it’s spicy chicken McNuggets and mighty hot sauce because there has never been a better time to breathe heavily and lick your fingers.

[Picture changes to CocaCola Coffee]

CocaCola has introduced the new line of coffee cokes that they say sips like a coke, finishes like a coffee and feels like someone tasered your butthole.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dog at left top corner.]

Michael Che: It was revealed that Freddie, the world’s tallest dog has died. The cause of death has been listed as ceiling fan.

[Picture changes to a map of Slovakia]

A woman in Slovakia helped arrest a man robbing a gas station by performing oral sex on him until police arrived. The woman was able to stall him for that long being terrible at it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a dog at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Southwest airlines has changed their policy from emotional support animals and now will only allow cats and dogs on board while over at Spirit, everyone’s given a snake.

Weekend Update Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese on New York City

Michael Che

Fran Lebowitz… Bowen Yang

Martin Scorsese… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Governor Andrew Cuomo announced this week that the New York city could open indoor dining by mid February. Here to comment are the stars of the Netflix show  “Pretend It’s a City”, Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese.

[Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese slide in]

Fran Lebowitz: Here we are!

Michael Che: How are you doing, Fran and Martin? It’s an honor to have you both here.

Fran Lebowitz: Please. I’ve been so bored at home, I was about to get married to my cufflinks. Let me tell you, I’ve done so many interviews in front of audiences, I have squatter’s rights at the 92nd street wide, okay?

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Michael Che: Well, I love the series because it’s the two of you just sitting and talking and Marty just losing his mind.

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Fran Lebowitz: That’s right. They asked me my range and I said I can sit and I can sit down. And the people who went to these talks, they were children. They asked me should I be a writer, should I be a film maker? I say, “No, you should be something useful. Be a piece of melon wrapped in prosciutto.”

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Michael Che: And that’s your advice?

Fran Lebowitz: What? Martin loves it.

Michael Che: Yeah, Martin seems to love everything you do. Martin, how is it shooting with Fran?

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Okay, well, Fran, do you think New York is doing right now good? Is it doing okay?

Fran Lebowitz: Ah, I love it. It’s the worst. Disgusting. I’ll never move. My friends, they’re inviting me to their backyards where socially distanced gatherings, the only outro gathering I go to is the taxi line at JFK. You know why? They let you smoke. Okay?[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly] Martin, you still into this? [Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly] Yeah.[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Michael Che: You’re a real New Yorker through and through, Fran.

Fran Lebowitz: Yes, yes. You’re right. You’re right. But hey, remember when everyone in New York city had a machete?

Michael Che: No.

Fran Lebowitz: It used to be, you would go on a subway and you would look at a man’s machete or his penis. Now, everybody’s looking at their phones. You know why? Because there’s nothing to look at. And what’s Dwayne weed?

Martin Scorsese: [out of breath laughing] You’re so funny.

Fran Lebowitz: Kids are so short nowadays, you know why? You can’t smoke in bars anymore.

Michael Che: I don’t think that’s why.

Fran Lebowitz: Gender doesn’t exist anymore, you know why? Ed Koch died.

[Martin Scorsese is laughing so hard, he pulls off his eyebrows.]

Michael Che: Did he just laugh his eyebrows off?

Fran Lebowitz: Martin, listen to this. I was walking down the street the other day and you know what occurred to me? Emotional support animals.

[Martin Scorsese is laughing so hard, he falls off his seat]

Michael Che: Oh my god!

Fran Lebowitz: Martin’s off the chair. Time to go.

Michael Che: Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese, everybody!

Fran Lebowitz: Taxi! Taxi!

Weekend Update- Jay-Z’s Marijuana Line & New Space Force Bases

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Jay-Z and a leaf of marijuana at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Jay-Z has launched a line of cannabis products called “Monogram”. So, just a quick reminder to all the women that told me I need to grow up, Beyonce is married to a 50 year old weed guy. So, god ain’t done with me yet.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mike Pence at left top corner.]

Michael Che: Mike Pence who looks like a polar bear went to work, announced that the first two space force bases would be set up in Florida. I assume at TomorrowLand and EpCon Center.

[Picture changes to a lion]

Officials at Barcelona zoo revealed that four lions at the facility tested positive for coronavirus. Even more shocking, it’s because they attended the Hasidic wedding.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Joe Biden and Marcia Fudge at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Joe Biden has nominated representative Marcia Fudge as Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. Fudge lives in Ohio but is originally from around the corner of Milk Milk Lemonade. It’s a thinker.

[Picture changes to Harrison Ford]

It was announced that Harrison Ford will return for a fifth Indiana Jones movie. Unfortunately, it’s called “Indiana Jones and the Tome of the Jamaican Nurse.” I’m sorry.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of online news that says “900 customers pay for people behind them” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Customers at Dairy Queen at Minnesota set up a chain reaction of paying for the customer behind them in the drive through that lasted for more than 900 people. It’s an inspiring story that ended with one guy being like, “Nope. I’m good.”

[Picture changes to an online news that says “Baby forn from 27 year old embryo]

Doctors say that a woman has given birth to a baby that came from an embryo frozen 27 years ago. Said the baby, “You picked this year?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of online news that says “Astronomers: galaxy not as black as thought” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new study by astronomers finds that the galaxy is not as black as previously thought after it was seen dating a white lady.