Weekend Update- New Dick’s Sporting Goods Store & Taylor Swift Re-Records Album

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Dick’s Sporting Goods logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Dick’s Sporting Goods is opening a new experiential store with a rock climbing wall, sports fields and indoor wellness space. Unfortunately, they’re calling it “Hands-on Dick’s”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Taylor Swift at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Taylor Swift has released an album of re-recorded versions of her album ‘Fearless’ which she first made when she was 18. Wow, that’s impressive because if I released a number of things I wrote when I was 18, I would be fired immediately.

[Picture changes to Tyler Perry]

Tyler Perry is developing a new TV series that explores the origin of his character Media, weirdly as part of his new superhero franchise, “The Averngers”.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a house at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The house where Lizzie Borden murdered her parents has been sold for $Michael Che million and will be turned into a bed and breakfast. Though, a bread and breakfast where a murder happened is pretty much just Days Inn.

[Picture changes to a bird feeder and a bird.]

The CDC is warning about a salmonella outbreak that’s linked to bird feeders. Yet another piece of bad news for people who eat out of bird feeders.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Will.I.Am at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Singer Will.I.Am announced that he is developing a new face mask that will come with an air filter, bluetooth and noise cancelling earbuds. Or, hear me out, just get the vaccine, man. I like Will.I.Am, but if you don’t make another hit soon, you gonna be Will.I.Was.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Captain Underpants at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The publishers of the Captain Underpants books have cancelled the spinoffs of the popular series saying it promoted “passive racism”, which is not what I expected a guy called ‘Captain Underpants’ to get cancelled for.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Starbucks at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Starbucks has launched a new eco friendly program called ‘borrow a cup’ in which customers return their cup after finishing their drink so the store can use it again. And Dunkin’ donuts plans to compete with this promotion by not doing that.

[The picture changes to a map of Texas and handcuffs.]

Texas police arrested a woman who broke into a man’s house, stripped naked and in one of his beds. The man called the police when he realized the woman was not attractive.

Weekend Update New Minimum Wage Amanda Gorman Super Bowl Poem

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Capitol building at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Democrats in congress have introduced legislation to raise a federal minimum wage to $15 an hour which would finally give minimum wage workers the ability to pay rent in the year 1995.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Amanda Gorman at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The NFL has announced that the Super Bowl pre game show will feature Amanda Gorman who resided her poem “The Hill We Climb” in the inauguration. The show also feature Rob Gronkowski residing his poem, “The Man From The Nantucket”.

[Picture changes to a shark]

According to a new report, Michael Che0Michael Che0 was one of the deadliest years for shark attacks with 10 reported fatalities. “Adorable,” said bats.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Belle Delphine at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was reported that adult model Belle Delphine is making over $1 million a month by selling her used bathwater which is crazy because it doesn’t taste that good.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of McDonald’s nuggets at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: McDonald’s announced that for a limited time, it’s bringing back it’s spicy chicken McNuggets and mighty hot sauce because there has never been a better time to breathe heavily and lick your fingers.

[Picture changes to CocaCola Coffee]

CocaCola has introduced the new line of coffee cokes that they say sips like a coke, finishes like a coffee and feels like someone tasered your butthole.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dog at left top corner.]

Michael Che: It was revealed that Freddie, the world’s tallest dog has died. The cause of death has been listed as ceiling fan.

[Picture changes to a map of Slovakia]

A woman in Slovakia helped arrest a man robbing a gas station by performing oral sex on him until police arrived. The woman was able to stall him for that long being terrible at it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a dog at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Southwest airlines has changed their policy from emotional support animals and now will only allow cats and dogs on board while over at Spirit, everyone’s given a snake.

Weekend Update Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese on New York City

Michael Che

Fran Lebowitz… Bowen Yang

Martin Scorsese… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Governor Andrew Cuomo announced this week that the New York city could open indoor dining by mid February. Here to comment are the stars of the Netflix show  “Pretend It’s a City”, Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese.

[Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese slide in]

Fran Lebowitz: Here we are!

Michael Che: How are you doing, Fran and Martin? It’s an honor to have you both here.

Fran Lebowitz: Please. I’ve been so bored at home, I was about to get married to my cufflinks. Let me tell you, I’ve done so many interviews in front of audiences, I have squatter’s rights at the 92nd street wide, okay?

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Michael Che: Well, I love the series because it’s the two of you just sitting and talking and Marty just losing his mind.

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Fran Lebowitz: That’s right. They asked me my range and I said I can sit and I can sit down. And the people who went to these talks, they were children. They asked me should I be a writer, should I be a film maker? I say, “No, you should be something useful. Be a piece of melon wrapped in prosciutto.”

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Michael Che: And that’s your advice?

Fran Lebowitz: What? Martin loves it.

Michael Che: Yeah, Martin seems to love everything you do. Martin, how is it shooting with Fran?

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Okay, well, Fran, do you think New York is doing right now good? Is it doing okay?

Fran Lebowitz: Ah, I love it. It’s the worst. Disgusting. I’ll never move. My friends, they’re inviting me to their backyards where socially distanced gatherings, the only outro gathering I go to is the taxi line at JFK. You know why? They let you smoke. Okay?[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly] Martin, you still into this? [Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly] Yeah.[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Michael Che: You’re a real New Yorker through and through, Fran.

Fran Lebowitz: Yes, yes. You’re right. You’re right. But hey, remember when everyone in New York city had a machete?

Michael Che: No.

Fran Lebowitz: It used to be, you would go on a subway and you would look at a man’s machete or his penis. Now, everybody’s looking at their phones. You know why? Because there’s nothing to look at. And what’s Dwayne weed?

Martin Scorsese: [out of breath laughing] You’re so funny.

Fran Lebowitz: Kids are so short nowadays, you know why? You can’t smoke in bars anymore.

Michael Che: I don’t think that’s why.

Fran Lebowitz: Gender doesn’t exist anymore, you know why? Ed Koch died.

[Martin Scorsese is laughing so hard, he pulls off his eyebrows.]

Michael Che: Did he just laugh his eyebrows off?

Fran Lebowitz: Martin, listen to this. I was walking down the street the other day and you know what occurred to me? Emotional support animals.

[Martin Scorsese is laughing so hard, he falls off his seat]

Michael Che: Oh my god!

Fran Lebowitz: Martin’s off the chair. Time to go.

Michael Che: Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese, everybody!

Fran Lebowitz: Taxi! Taxi!

Weekend Update- Jay-Z’s Marijuana Line & New Space Force Bases

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Jay-Z and a leaf of marijuana at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Jay-Z has launched a line of cannabis products called “Monogram”. So, just a quick reminder to all the women that told me I need to grow up, Beyonce is married to a 50 year old weed guy. So, god ain’t done with me yet.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mike Pence at left top corner.]

Michael Che: Mike Pence who looks like a polar bear went to work, announced that the first two space force bases would be set up in Florida. I assume at TomorrowLand and EpCon Center.

[Picture changes to a lion]

Officials at Barcelona zoo revealed that four lions at the facility tested positive for coronavirus. Even more shocking, it’s because they attended the Hasidic wedding.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Joe Biden and Marcia Fudge at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Joe Biden has nominated representative Marcia Fudge as Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. Fudge lives in Ohio but is originally from around the corner of Milk Milk Lemonade. It’s a thinker.

[Picture changes to Harrison Ford]

It was announced that Harrison Ford will return for a fifth Indiana Jones movie. Unfortunately, it’s called “Indiana Jones and the Tome of the Jamaican Nurse.” I’m sorry.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of online news that says “900 customers pay for people behind them” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Customers at Dairy Queen at Minnesota set up a chain reaction of paying for the customer behind them in the drive through that lasted for more than 900 people. It’s an inspiring story that ended with one guy being like, “Nope. I’m good.”

[Picture changes to an online news that says “Baby forn from 27 year old embryo]

Doctors say that a woman has given birth to a baby that came from an embryo frozen 27 years ago. Said the baby, “You picked this year?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of online news that says “Astronomers: galaxy not as black as thought” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new study by astronomers finds that the galaxy is not as black as previously thought after it was seen dating a white lady.

New York PSA

Ego Nwodim

Heidi Gardner

Chris Redd

The old lady… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with clips of New York city]

Ego: Thank you, New York.

Heidi: New York.

Chris: New York.

Ego: Things got pretty tough this summer.

Heidi: But through it all, we stayed strong.

Chris: We stayed together.

Ego: And we never lost who we are.

Heidi: Because we are New York.

Chris: New York.

Ego: New York.

Heidi: And no matter how hard things get…

Chris: We always get through it.

[A woman starts appearing in all clips dancing at the background]

Ego: And we do it our way.

Heidi: Each and every one of us played a part.

Chris: From the nurses who who kept the safe.

Ego: To the essential workers who kept food on our table.

Heidi: To all the neighbors who pitched in.

Chris: And today, some things are different.

Ego: But most things are exactly the same.

Heidi: Beautiful.

Chris: Unbreakable.

Ego: One of a kind

Chris: So, hey, if you’re not from here, come see for yourself.

Ego: The museums, the landmarks–

Heidi: And this lady. [The lady who was dancing is now laying in the park topless.] Sort of a dancing old woman.

Chris: Not homeless. Just, you know, quirky. She has an apartment. She’s just usually outside.

Ego: Like a rent controlled situation. She lives in a 40-floor-walk up. So, when she’s out, she’s out.

Heidi: She has lived in a studio since she was 16 which was 30 or 100 years ago.

Chris: She’s not not a professor at Columbia.

Ego: And until broadway reopens, she’s performing her one woman version of ‘The Lion King’ at the park everyday.

Heidi: New York is not a ghost town.

Chris: It’s his town. It’s her town.

Ego: And it’s definitely her town. [referring to the old lady]

Heidi: So, today, we want to say thank you.

Ego: Thank you.

Chris: Because New York will always be New York.

Heidi: And we’re so proud to say…

Ego: The people just crazy enough to call this place home will always be here.

The old lady: I love New York!

 

New York Musical

Pete Davidson

John Mulaney

Chris Redd

Minion… Kenan Thompson

Minnie Mouse.. Melissa Villaseñor

Elsa… Lauren Holt

Shrimp Louie… Kate McKinnon

Statue of liberty… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with three guys in Big Nick’s Souvenirs store]

Pete: Hey, man. How is business?

John: At the souvenir store in Time Square during the pandemic? It’s not great.

Chris: Alright. Well, then I’ll buy two of those snow globes.

John: Wow, thank you. That’s gonna really put me over the top, buddy.

Pete: I’ll take that photo of you with your kids.

John: That’s a personal item. Not for sale.

Pete: Oh, okay. Then I’ll buy that I heart New York underwear.

John: What was that?

Pete: Those briefs those announce how much I love New York. I’ll take em’.

Chris: You’re buying an underwear from souvenir store in Time Square? They’re not even wrapped.

Pete: So what? I like to show my support for the city.

John: Kid, you sure you want to buy the underpants?

Pete: Actually, you’re right. I should try em’ on first.

Chris: Whoa! Try them on?

John: You want to take these pair of unwashed ‘I love New York’ underpants and you want to put it on your naked body?

Pete: Yeah. Do you have a fitting room or something.

John: Yeah, sure. We have a fitting room. Hey Time Square minion, why don’t you show this guy the back of the store where the people of Time Square habitate?

[music playing] [The minion opens the wall door. There are other characters inside.]

Minion: [singing] Mascots be shady tonight

John: Minnie and Elsa will fight

The characters: If you take a selfie then you better give us money

Minion: Or I’ll show your daughter a knife

John: So, after seeing that, do you still want to buy the underwear?

Pete: Yeah. I love New York and I want my modest balls to show that.

Minion: Of all the items in this store, you see you made

one great miscalculation buying filthy underwear

John: Bugs with no hesitation
will nesten your pubic hair

Minnie Mouse: One million novelty items
and he chose those

Elsa: It’d be like shopping at RB’s for pantyhose

Minion: One skid mark on the inside
that’s not the only stain I see

John: You’ll probably get an STD
so run, son

All: You would have to be psychotic
or take some strong antibiotic
don’t buy those

John: Great work.

Pete: Dude, things seem really bad even for Time Square.

Chris: Yeah. When do you think things are gonna bounce back?

[Shrimp Louie walks in]

Shrimp Louie: That’s what I want to know.

John: Oh. Shrimp Louie, the bubbagum shrimp mascot. I can’t belive you’re still here, darling.

Shrimp Louie: Where have they gone?
the tourists who came

who will eat up on my shrimp pad
with spiked lemonade?
send in the crowd
those confused German crowd

Minion: We missed TKTS
and bad seats for cheap

Shrimp Louie: Even Tim Horton’s has closed Canadians weep

All: Where are the crowds

Minion: I can’t group without crowds

Chris: Ahem! I see one guy across the street with binoculars.

John: Oh, that’s not a tourist. That’s the diddler on the roof.

[The diddler slides in on a table. His pants are off and he has binoculars.]

Diddler: Don’t shake it, don’t shake it, strip off your clothes, no one will know
Don’t shake it, don’t shake it, peek through my lens, and polish my uncut gems

Pete: This must be why everyone’s moving to Connecticut or Jersey and buying one room shacks for $900,000.

[Statue of Liberty walks in]

Liberty Statue: Fools! You don’t give up on my city that easy.

I lived through warhol
I lived through Bethenny Frankel
and I’m here
danced for the 86 mets and broke my ankle
but I’m here
I lived through Time Square filled with whores
now they’re on Sex in the City tours
my first apartment was a drawer
but I’m here
I’ve been to nobo noho and CBGB
and I’m here
Once on the pat train I swear that I saw Soon-Yi
and I’m here
stepped over bodies drawn in chalk
I knew son of Sam the dog could talk
I do the marathon but I walk
and I’m here
look who’s here
I’m still here

John: Oh no, look who’s coming our way, that woman from West Chester and she has visible covid.

[Cut to a woman walking by sneezing]

The woman: The minute I coughed at the press
I knew that new Rochelle would try and pin the blame on me

super-spreader
spread a little rona with me

Pete: We gotta get away from her.

John: Don’t worry. That homeless guy staying at a nearby luxury hotel will chase her off.

[The homeless man walks in. The woman is scared of her.]

Homeless man: Where is Rick Moranis?

The woman: [screaming] Ah!

John: Get out of my store.

Chris: Man, this place is nuts. I’d move somewhere else but the whole country is crazy.

John: I know this country seems terrible right now, but you know what? Move. [moving Pete away and showing the underwear that he wanted] Look at these underpants. Remember, they started this whole thing. Do you realize America is like these underpants? Because–

Diddler: I get it.

John: I know you get it. But let me explain it to the rest of them. Sure these underpants are riddled with ugliness and disease. But they still stand for something. Love. That’s why I didn’t want to sell them. Because they give me hope.

Minion: And I am specially hopeful now because we only have three days more.

John: Three more days to the election,
but the results may take months
it feels longer than the Irishmen
bot that movie needed cut

All: Three more days of Instagramming
thirsty selfies that say more

Liberty Statue: Prepare for the worst, so just please make it fast

All: November 3rd, election day,
November 3rd’s not far away
November 3rd on Wednesday or a Tuesday, I’m not sure
I don’t vote
what’s the point
It’s New York

Weekend Update- New Twinkies Cereal and Joe Exotic Movie

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with split screen with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their homes.]

Michael Che: The makers of Twinkies announced a new cereal based on the snack cakes. And this is nice. Every box comes with a t-shirt you kid can wear in the pool.

Colin Jost: LifeTime has announced a spin-off of their new hit show “Married At First Sight” that catches up on couples from the show. The spin-off if called “Divorced or Murdered?”

Joe Exotic, the subject of the Netflix series “Tiger King” said that he wants Brad Pitt to play him in a movie version of his life. Which is sort of like if ‘The Colin Jost’ story starred Denzel Washington.

Michael Che: A woman in England baked a cake for a charity fundraiser that was in the shape of a rollup toilet paper. The icing was vanilla with a little streaks of chocolate. That’s a good cake.

Colin Jost: A couple has created a miniature versions of classic paintings to display for their durables. They say the toughest part was getting the paintings to also fit up their ass.

Michael Che: What happened to you?

Colin Jost: A group of clowns who usually entertain retirees in their homes at a senior home in Germany have started performing outside their windows. Even though saying, “I see clowns outside my window,” is how you end up in a home.

Michael Che: A male panda at a zoo in Hong Kong has for the first time mated with his female companion of ten years, after she finally agreed to get implants. [A picture of a panda with breasts appears.]

That’s funny. You know guys, by the way, this is really fun. And as you know, Colin, I lost my grandmother this week. And coming back to work really made me feel better. Specially with you.

Colin Jost: Aw. Thank you.

Michael Che: My favorite part of this show was when would do joke swap. You have no idea but, I don’t know, maybe would you like to do one right now?

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha. Wow, that started out so sweet.

Michael Che: Yeah. No. Well, I mean, she would have really liked it.

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Michael Che: So, I sent– I had Pete send you a joke in your email if you can just open up and read it.

Colin Jost: [pulling out the laptop] This is my laptop that I just received my email on. [reading the email] Oh my god!

Michael Che: Ha-ha-ha-ha. She would really like this.

Colin Jost: Yeah. She would love. Okay. For her then, I’ll say this. Great.

Two professors at the University of Oklahoma have been cited for using the N word in class. In their defense, the students were being pretty lazy.

Michael Che: Damn! My grandmother has never seen this show. I just wanted you to do that.

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Michael Che: She woke up at like, 4 AM dude, to pray. You think she’d watch Saturday Night Live? Never. But I really appreciate it. That made this night perfect, man. Thank you. Aw, man. For Weekend Update, I’m Martha’s grand baby.

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha. I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

E! New Line Up

Kendall Jenner, Gigi Hadid… Gal Gadot

Bella Hadid… Kate McKinnon

Blake Shelton… Luke Null

Gwen Stefani… Melissa Villaseñor

Kanye West… Chris Redd

Nene Leaks… Leslie Jones

[Starts with video Channel commericial]

Female voice: The world is a complete bummer right now. And here at E, we know that sometimes you just have to be like, “Buhh.” So turn your brain off with our new line-up of fall programming. First, we’re celebrating 10 years of the Kardashian dynasty with our new series, “Kendall’s Model House.” Tune in, it’s Kendall Jenner and super model sisters Bella Hadid and Gigi Hadid complain around a huge bowl of fruits.

[Cut to Kendall Jenner, Bella Hadid and Gigi Hadid]

Kendall Jenner: I’m under a lot of pressure.

Bella Hadid: So much pressure.

Kendall Jenner: [looking at Gigi Hadid] You’re prettier than me.

Gigi Hadid: No way. You are so much prettier than me.

Kendall Jenner: Wait. Which one am I? [Kendall Jenner, Bella Hadid and Gigi Hadid are thinking] Alexa?

Alexa: You are Kendall Jenner.

Female voice: What? Not everything can be good news. So, if you wanna feel absolutely nothing, watch ‘Down Home with Blake and Gwynn’, Tuesdays at 9:30.

[Cut to Blake and gwynn singing]

Blake Shelton: [singing] I love you, girl.

Gwen Stefani: [singing badly] I love you too.

Blake Shelton: No, you go high.

Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani: [singing] I love you.

Blake Shelton: You know what? We’re going to work on it.

Female voice: You’d watch that for 20 minutes, and that’s okay. [Cut to Kanye West hiding from the camera] You know the moments on the Kardashians where Kanye clearly doesn’t want to be on camera? Now, there’s a show that’s just that. It’s “Where’s Kanye?” He’s hanging back because he is shy or he doesn’t want to be associated with the show. “Where’s Kanye?” Then Wednesday at 10:15, get lost in Kendall’s World.

[Cut to Kendall Jenner walking around her house]

Kendall Jenner: Hello? [looking around]

Female voice: As Kendall Jenner literally gets lost in her own house.

Kendall Jenner: Hello?

Female voice: The house is so big and empty and she’s only there two weeks out of the year.

[Kendall Jenner opening door]

Kendall Jenner: Is this the bathroom? Damn, closet again!

Female voice: But hey, that’s “Kendall’s World.” And Thursdays at 10, “Background Actors of Riverdale.” Then, their bosses, hoes and twins on “Powerful Sluts of Miami.” And you love her on “Fashion Police”, now reality star Nene Leaks has her own show.

Nene Leaks: I was on Bravo. Now I’m on E! I’m everywhere, bitch! I hate that.

Female voice: Nene Leaks, “If I Hate That.” Round out the week with special episodes of “Kendall’s World”. That’s right. She’s still lost. But she found a comfy closed to hunker down in.

[Kendall Jenner and Bella Hadid finally meet]

Kendall Jenner and Bella Hadid: Oh, yay!

Kendall Jenner: Where is Gigi?

Bella Hadid: She didn’t make it. did you go to the bathroom in here?

Female voice: Kendall’s World, Fridays at 9, 9:30, 10, 10:30 and so on forever. Only on E. You want this!