Michael Che[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of an article that says “Man plans to live underwater for 100 days.”]
Michael Che: A deep sea diver has announced plans to set a new record by living underwater for 100 days. “Feel like the record is longer than that,” said the people of New Orleans. I don’t know why I thought that would makes me laugh.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Man surprised at door by alligator.”
Colin Jost: A man in Florida said he was surprised when you heard a knock at the door and it turned out to be an alligator. Even more surprising, it was doing the thing from Love Actually.[Picture changes to an article that says “Women allowed to be topless at pools.”]
Officials in Berlin announced that women will now be allowed to go topless at the city’s pools. But officials also said to be aware it’s not going to be the ones you want.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Half of population overweight by 2035.”
Michael Che: According to a new report, by 2035, more than half of the world’s population will be just how I like them.[Picture changes to an article that says “Woman meets great-great-great grandchild.”]
A photo has gone viral of a 98 year old woman in Kentucky meeting her first great-great-great grandchild. Well, I wish I had gotten to meet my great-great-great grandmother so I could have told her “Don’t get on that boat.” I even tried acting during that one, right?[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s are pictures of oranges, TikTok logo and shower.]
Colin Jost: There is a trend on TikTok of people eating oranges and showers claiming that it reduces stress and anxiety. But if you’re comfortable filming yourself eating in the shower, I would argue you don’t have enough anxiety.[Picture changes to people running]
A new study finds that long distance running does not cause wear and tear on marathoners knees, but it does sand their nipples clean off.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked on Wednesday, 8th March.]
Michael Che: Wednesday was International Women’s Day. I said was.
Next joke.[Picture changes to an article that says “New York rats carry covid.”
A new study finds that some city rats carry the virus that causes COVID, which is why I always order mine well done.