Weekend Update- New York City Rats Carry COVID, Berlin’s Topless Pools

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of an article that says “Man plans to live underwater for 100 days.”]

Michael Che: A deep sea diver has announced plans to set a new record by living underwater for 100 days. “Feel like the record is longer than that,” said the people of New Orleans. I don’t know why I thought that would makes me laugh.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Man surprised at door by alligator.”

Colin Jost: A man in Florida said he was surprised when you heard a knock at the door and it turned out to be an alligator. Even more surprising, it was doing the thing from Love Actually.

[Picture changes to an article that says “Women allowed to be topless at pools.”]

Officials in Berlin announced that women will now be allowed to go topless at the city’s pools. But officials also said to be aware it’s not going to be the ones you want.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of  an article that says “Half of population overweight by 2035.”

Michael Che: According to a new report, by 2035, more than half of the world’s population will be just how I like them.

[Picture changes to  an article that says “Woman meets great-great-great grandchild.”]

A photo has gone viral of a 98 year old woman in Kentucky meeting her first great-great-great grandchild. Well, I wish I had gotten to meet my great-great-great grandmother so I could have told her “Don’t get on that boat.” I even tried acting during that one, right?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s are pictures of oranges, TikTok logo and shower.]

Colin Jost: There is a trend on TikTok of people eating oranges and showers claiming that it reduces stress and anxiety. But if you’re comfortable filming yourself eating in the shower, I would argue you don’t have enough anxiety.

[Picture changes to people running]

A new study finds that long distance running does not cause wear and tear on marathoners knees, but it does sand their nipples clean off.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked on Wednesday, 8th March.]

Michael Che: Wednesday was International Women’s Day. I said was.

Next joke.

[Picture changes to an article that says “New York rats carry covid.”

A new study finds that some city rats carry the virus that causes COVID, which is why I always order mine well done.

Weekend Update- Michael Che’s Doorman Carl on the New York Rental Market

Carl… Kenan Thompson

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: New York is expected to be the most expensive rental market in 2023. Here to talk about it is the new doorman to my building, Carl.

[Carl slides in]

Carl: Ay! What’s up, Mr. Che? How are you doing, man? Just a little reminder, I noticed that you haven’t given me end of the year tip yet.

Michael Che: You just started.

Carl: Oh, well maybe soon then. Mam, you remember that night when things got wild? I talked to the police for you?

Michael Che: I don’t remember that.

Carl: I know right?

Michael Che: Yeah.

Carl: Hard to keep track of all the crazy nights when Mr. Michael Che is your tenant. Tough to remember which night is wild? And which night is just ruggle? Oh man, we living that life, Che.

Michael Che: We?

Carl: Yeah, man. We doing the damn thing? My dog. [looking around] So what’s this? What do you do here, man?

Michael Che: This is SNL, man. It’s my job.

Carl: Oh, okay. Oh, so you just out here making the big bucks in a half suit and jeans. Hey buddy, Che. Che.

Michael Che: What, man?

Carl: You know that lady came around looking for you again. Right?

Michael Che: Who?

Carl: You know the one. That lady. She like, real smart.

Michael Che: All right.

Carl: Always mad. She came to the building again asking about you, man. But don’t worry. I told her you moved to Jamaica. I did good, right?

Michael Che: Why would you say that? I’m absolutely here in New York on live TV right now.

Carl: Yeah, she ain’t watching.

Michael Che: Okay, well, thank you Carl.

Carl: Hey, Che! Che! You know, that little kid came around looking for you, right? He was talking about, “Tell Che my mama said he got to take me to the zoo.” He said his name was DeMichael or something. I don’t know, man. I’m just a vessel.

Michael Che: Oh my god. That’s not my kid.

Carl: That’s right. That’s what I told that little dummy. That’s right. Che, teamwork make the dream work. Up top, man.

Michael Che: Well, thank you for stopping by man. I really—

Carl: Hey, Che! You know, that dog came around looking for you, right? He got that bark like, “Hrrr, hrrr, Che, Che, Che, Che.” I swear, that’s what he’d be saying, man. I understood the dog talking. Yeah. Hey, man. Who is Cornelius?

Michael Che: I don’t know.

Carl: You sure? Because every night at eight o’clock, this man shows up and leaves one shoe on my desk and says, “Tell Michael Chang this is from Cornelius. And if he wants the other shoe, tell him to meet me under the bridge.” Bro, New York is wild, man.

Michael Che: Okay, now I know you have to go. I mean, I mean, who’s watching the building right now?

Carl: Oh, no. Don’t worry. I put a sign up there, says “If you look up Michael Che, just call 9Carl7-7Carl—

Michael Che: No, don’t give them my phone number.

Carl: Why not?

Michael Che: That’s against the rules.

Carl: It is? Well, I guess that’s why I’m a doorman and you here making crazy money using that desk to hide your dirty jeans.

Michael Che: Carl, my doorman, everybody.

Carl: Hey man, there were six cats looking for you.

Weekend Update Devon Walker on Adjusting to New York City

Michael Che

Devin Walker

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Season 48 is underway and things are going well. Here to talk about how he’s adjusting is our new cast member, Devin Walker.

[Devon Walker slides in] [cheers and applause]

Devon Walker: Thank you for having me, Che.

Michael Che: Anytime, man. So how’s this whole experience been for you, man? You diggin New York?

Devon Walker: Not really. If I’m being honest, I think New York’s a little overrated.

Michael Che: Wow. Where are you from?

Devon Walker: I’m from Texas.

Michael Che: Oh, Texas.

[cheers]

Devon Walker: What? You know, I mean, honestly, don’t do that. Don’t do that. I hate how New Yorkers talk about where I’m from. All right? Every single time I tell the New Yorker I’m from Texas, they apologize to me like I fought in a war. Every single time, they’re like, “Oh my god, I’m so sorry that happened to you.” They’ll say stuff like that. And it’s like Texas isn’t a perfect place. But every single time I step outside of my apartment in New York, I see the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my life. And that’s a normal thing to see. All right? Like, one time I saw a kid get into a fistfight with a bird. And the bird was winning. I told my homies from the neighborhood what I saw him, he goes, “Oh, that’s just Mike.” That’s what he said. And I know if he was talking about the kid or the bird. If you saw that in Texas, they’d shut Texas down forever, alright? Nobody would go to school or anything. They just hang out at home until the vibes got right again.

Michael Che: Well, you just got here. I’m sure you’ll start to fit in.

Devon Walker: Alright, speaking of fitting in, can I ask the audience a question real quick?

Michael Che: Okay.

Devon Walker: Hey, guys. Y’all think I look like a catcaller?

Audience: Yeah.

[laughing]

Devon Walker: I don’t think I look like one, but ever since I moved here, every time I see a dude who’s doing a cat call, we have on the exact same outfit. Sometimes I pass woman on the street and I see them look at me and they go like that. They try to dodge me real quick. And I know why it happens. All right? I’m a large man. Large men be responsible for a lot of bad things historically. But I’ve been trying to figure out how to communicate to these women that I’m not going to do anything weird. So anytime one tries to avoid me, I’ve just been whispering like “Ay, baby girl. Don’t worry about it. I’m regular.”

Michael Che: Why are you whispering?

Devon Walker: I don’t know, man. My body’s big. I’m trying to make my voice little, okay? It’s hard out here.

Michael Che: You might be overthinking it, Devin.

Devon Walker: I don’t think I am. Alright. Look, watch this. Watch this. Hey, real quick. Were my straight boys at? Yeah, morale is real low right now. If I would have asked that question in 1996, the building would have exploded. 30 Rock would just be gone because the hetero boys brought it down. we get a lot of bad press right now. We get a lot of bad press. I think we can change it. I think we got to do a culture shift. I think that’s what we need. I think all of us need to try to be a little bit more gay.

Michael Che: Say what now?

Devon Walker: I said what I said, Michael, all right? Our culture is bad. We need to shift. Every single year 37 of my homies invite me to be in a fantasy football league. And I don’t think the straight communities knows that we don’t have to do that. I just want my brothers to be free. Next time one of my homies asked me if I’m drafting Tom Brady, I swear I’ll be like, “Nah, dog, I’m trying to kiss you on the lips actually.”

Michael Che: Devon Walker, everybody.

Devon Walker: I’m gonna kiss Michael Che.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

New Cast Advice

Michael Longfellow

Devon Walker

Marcello Hernandez

Molly Kearney

Kenan Thompson

[In the video, it’s written “What’s it like being new at SNL?”]

Michael: Being a new cast member at SNL, you get a lot of advice.

Devon: Advice from friends, family, veteran cast members. Even Lorne.

Marcello: Lorne told me, “Don’t do too much in the first couple shows, let the audience discover you and get to know you.”

MIchael: He told me to find writers who understand my voice, my odd haunting voice.

Devon: He told me to just be me, to trust my instinct from stand up, and then I’ll know how to handle an audience. He was really sweet about it.

Molly: See, this is all kind of crazy to hear. Because on day one, Lorne pulled me into his office and said, “Molly, there’s only one reason you’re here. I need you to kill Vladimir Putin.” He hands me this gun. He says, “Don’t worry, the serial numbers have been scratched off, they’ll never trace it back to us.” I’m like, “Us?”

Marcello: I told my friends. Don’t expect to see me in a bunch of sketches right away. Lorne said to really take my time. You know, maybe don’t even write a sketch till Christmas.

Devon: My uncle said make sure to get an accountant and to watch him because somebody will take my money.

Molly: I told Lorne, “Please don’t make me do this. I’d rather be doing sketches because that’s what I came here to do.” And Lorne goes, “Everybody’s done sketches. But you know what Will Ferrell and Adam Sandler never did? Kill Vladimir Putin?” And I’m like, “Aw, do I tell my agents about this?”

[In the video, it’s written “What kind of response have you gotten?”]

Michael: David Spade called and said “Congrats on your first update feature. We’re both from Arizona.” So that was really cool.

Devon: I got flowers from Kristen Wiig. I was like, that’s insane. I can’t even believe she knows who I am.

Molly: I get a call middle of the night. It’s former Secretary of State, John Kerry. He says Mom, I’m with Lorne. Can you be here in 10 minutes with your bags packed?” I’m thinking “Packed with what”

Michael: You feel like you’re part of a larger family all of a sudden. I saw my photo on the same wall as Eddie Murphy. I mean, that’s crazy.

Devon: I got recognized on the street after my first show. They didn’t think I was Kenan but it was still nice.

Molly: So I get to Lorne’s at 4 AM. It’s John Kerry, Bill Gates and weirdly, Kelly Ripa. Lorne says, “We can get you to Russia, but we can’t promise we can get you out.” And I really want to be on SNL. So I’m just like nodding my head and saying ‘Anything you say sir.” And Kelly Ripa was really sweet. She’s like, “Whatever happens, just know your family will be taken care of.” I’m like, “Is Kelly Ripa gonna pay for my funeral?”

[In the video, it’s written “What is the writing process like?”]

Marcello: I was working on a sketch this week. And Lorne said, “Don’t rush into it.” He said even if I’m not in any sketches for the first year or two, that’s fine.

Devon: I told Lorne I was working on a sketch for me and Molly, and he just kind of stared off into the distance and said, “If we ever see Molly again.” That ain’t feel right.

Molly: I’m thrown in the back of a van. I hear a military guy scream, “If she gets captured over there, she’s on her own.” And I want her to be like, “It’s actually like, it’s actually they, not she,” but it didn’t seem like the right moment for the pronoun talk. Then we drive strength through the night at like 150 miles an hour. And I’m like, “Whoa. The hours of SNL really are crazy.”

[In the video, it’s written “Are you making friends?”]

Michael: We were texting each other the first week like “Good luck, break a leg.” Then Molly texted “I have to kill.” It’s like, don’t put that kind of pressure on yourself.

Devon: You realize there’s this whole community of people who work at SNL, and we’re all just here to do comedy. Except apparently Molly.

Molly: The van screeches to a halt. They throw me onto a dock rip off the hood. And I’m like, “Is this the Panama Canal?” Then a guy walks up in his safari hat and white mustache. I swear to God, it was Lorne’s twin brother. And he says, [foreign language] [Subtitle says “Let her go. She’s loyal.”] Then they drive away and I go to call an Uber but I can’t use my phone because they burned my fingerprints off.

Michael: At the end of the day, you have to realize you’re going to have good shows and bad shows. Last week I got on Weekend Update. This week, I get to play Kanye West. You just have to enjoy the ride.

Marcello: Exactly. Don’t try to write or pitch ideas. Don’t expect anyone to put you in sketches or give you a computer or an office or an ID so you can get inside the building. Just gotta chill at home.

Devon: And it’s even more exciting that there are four new cast members so we can all experience it together.

Molly: Long story short, most of my first week at SNL I spent on connecting buses through Central America, but I made it back in time for this show. And right before the cold open started, Lorne came up to me and said, “Molly, I’m really proud of you. And just so you know, we never made cast members kill people.” I thought that was really cool.

Kenan: Wait, so I didn’t have to kill Osama bin Laden? Damn. [pulls out a gun] Now I got a taste for it.

Weekend Update CIA Launches New Podcast Italys New Prime Minister

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of new Royal Monogram at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: British officials have unveiled King Charles III’s new royal monogram. The C stands for Charles, the R is for Rex, and the three is for how many hundreds of yards Prince Andrew has to stay away from schools.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Lizzo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: While performing in Washington, pop star Lizzo played a crystal flute on stage that once was owned by James Madison. Huh? So we have had a gay president.

[Picture changes to colorful pills]

The DEA is warning that drug cartels are using rainbow colored fentanyl to target young people for concern parents. Here’s what rainbow fentanyl looks like.

[picture changes to the rapper 6ix 9ine] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of nutrition label at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The White House has introduced a new plan to put nutrition labels on the front instead of the back. So to give you an idea of the overall health of Americans, we’re too lazy to do this. [hand gestures turning a packet] [picture changes to interior of a train]

It was announced that by 2025 New York will install cameras in every subway car. Hmm. I thought it was illegal to put cameras in bathrooms.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chuck E Cheese’s restaurant at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police in Florida say that multiple shots were fired during the fight outside of Chuck E Cheese, but there were no victims located. Hmm, maybe check the pizza? [picture changes to a pizza with human ears instead of meat] [picture changes to CIA logo]

The CIA is marking its 75th anniversary by launching a podcast and because it’s the CIA, they’re launching it directly into an Afghani wedding.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Giorgio Maloney at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New Italian Prime Minister Giorgio Maloney has been accused of spreading white supremacist ideas, which is crazy. We’re now counting Italians as white?

[Cut to Michael Che. here’s a picture of Trombone Champ logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: One of the most popular new video games is trombone champ, which is the Guitar Hero style game for the trombone. Trombone champ is also the nickname of a very popular lady in my neighborhood.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of ants at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study says that the combined mass of every ant on Earth is greater than the mass of every Mammal and Bird combined. Thanks mostly to this juicy bitch. [picture changes to an ant with fat butt]

Weekend Update Black Market Baby Formula Trumps New Book on 2020 Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar at left top corner.]

Well, at last year’s finale, it seemed like COVID was fading. And I said we were about to have the horniest summer ever. And now summer’s hottest STD is monkeypox. That’s how weird and bad things have gone. The stock market is crashing. There’s a war in Europe. Everyone on This Is Is is about to croak. The future is looking pretty bleak. I mean, you’d have to be crazy to bring a child into the world right now. I mean, I just did, but don’t worry, I’ve been hoarding baby formula.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Tucker Carlson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Recent report shows that Fox News hosts Tucker Carlson seen here bragging about how big it is has repeatedly pushed the theory that Democrats want to replace white people with minorities. But that doesn’t even make sense because white people still exist. It’s not like they suddenly turn into minorities, unless it’s Halloween. Tucker Carlson has got a lot of nerve pushing these wild conspiracy theories, because if he thinks the government has a secret block to help minorities, well, he must be smoking that crack the CIA secretly put in black neighborhoods.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Liz Cheney at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Representative Liz Cheney attack the House GOP leadership saying they’ve enabled white supremacy and anti semitism. House leadership rejected Cheney’s attacks, calling them “cheaper than a black rabbi.”

[picture changes to Doug Mastraino]

Right wing right wing election denier Doug Mastriano, whose face appears to be photoshopped onto a hot dog won the Pennsylvania Republican primary for governor and said if he’s elected, he would be so far to the right, he would make Ron DeSantis look like a centrist instead of what DeSantis looks like now, my dad watching me in the school musical.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Elon Musk at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Elon Musk defended himself from allegations that he reportedly exposed himself to a flight attendant on his private jet saying, “If I were inclined to engage in sexual harassment, this is unlikely to be the first time in my entire 30 year career that it comes to light.” Oh, sorry, we were looking for a symbol did not do it. The answer was did not do it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Republicans in Georgia are concerned that Donald Trump has endorsed candidates in the primaries who aren’t qualified. For instance, his pick for attorney general is literally 90s action star Steven Seagal. Now that’s not true. But what does it say about Trump that you didn’t doubt it for a second?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article saying “Rich families buying black market formula” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Rich parents across the country are reportedly stocking up on black market baby formula, which I assume is formula that was supposed to go to black markets.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Taylor Swift at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Taylor Swift gave a commencement address at NYU’s graduation ceremony this week, because college is a lot like breaking up with Taylor Swift. You’re still going to be paying for a decades later.

[Cut to Michael Che.There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Former President Trump announced that he is writing a book about alleged voter fraud in the presidential election. The book will contain 8000 commas and no periods.

Weekend Update New M&Ms Hong Kong Hamsters

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of m&m’s logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: m&ms announced that they’ve redesigned their iconic m&m characters after people requested that the brown m&m not look like a teacher who has sex with their students.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Prince Andrew and his ex girlfriend at right top corner.]

Michael Che: In a new documentary, an ex girlfriend of Prince Andrew described Jeffrey Epstein and Julian Maxwell as Batman and Robin,. Come on, what does Batman and Robin have in common with a billionaire that grooms teenagers?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kyle Rittenhouse at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Wow. Gen Z icon Kyle Rittenhouse is petitioning the court for the return of his rifle so he can destroy it. I don’t know. Careful Kyle, trying to get your memorabilia back is how they finally got OJ.

[Picture changes to Bono]

New interview, Bono reveals that he never liked the name U2, adding “I also kind of hate Ireland.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of

Michael Che: Actor John Voight recently released a video claiming that Abraham Lincoln spirit was guiding Donald Trump. Hopefully not to a theater.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Wheel Of Fortune logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Longtime director of Wheel of Fortune has died at the age of 92. Said Wheel of Fortune viewers, “Wow. So Young.”

[Picture changes to the logo of the new show “Rings of Power”]

Amazon announced that their new “Lord of the Rings” TV series will be called “Rings of Power”, though I’m personally more excited for the spin off “Gollum in Paris”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a map of Hong Kong and a rat at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Officials in Hong Kong announced that after some hamsters in a pet store tested positive for COVID. they had to kill more than Michael Che000 of the pets. Okay, but they didn’t have to do it in front of the class! [Picture changes to a group of children being shocked] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a guitar and a flag of Canada at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man in Canada stole an $8,000 guitar by hiding it in his pants. Police caught the man when he got an erection and it sounded like this. [rock guitar solo playing] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a goldfish at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Scientists have trained a goldfish to drive a car. They believe it’s the first step to eventually training women.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dwayne The Rock Johnson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Dwayne Johnson said that a skull of a T-Rex seen behind him during a recent interview was a replica and not the real thing. Johnson also said it’s just a coincidence that his diet calls for 1000 pounds of dinosaur meat a day.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Oldest person in US dies at 115” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The oldest living person in the United States died this week at the age of Colin JostColin Jost5. It’s a powerful reminder to always test your cocaine for fentanyl.

Weekend Update Robert Durst Dies New Maya Angelou Quarter

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of Robert Durst at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Robert Durst, the New York real estate heir who murdered his friend and dismembered his neighbor has died in prison. Durst will be remembered as New York’s fourth worst real estate heir. [picture changes to three children of Donald J. Trump] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a coin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The late Maya Angelou has become the first black woman featured on the quarter, which is not what black people mean when we demand change.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a phone at left top of the corner.]

Colin Jost: Google is claiming that Apple’s practice of using blue bubbles in their iMessage app to highlight other Apple users leads to peer pressure and bullying of Android users. While Apple says Android users could easily solve the problem by not being so dumb and poor.

[Picture changes to Prince Andrew at left top corner.]

Prince Andrew who faces charges of sexual abuse has been stripped of his royal duties by Queen Elizabeth. It’s an unprecedented case of an adult stripping Prince Andrew.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Domino’s chicken wings at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yeah, royal duties. Domino’s is reducing the number of chicken wings included in their meals and I really wish I’d known that before I had my delivery guy fired for stealing.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Uber logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man in Virginia is being called the greatest Uber driver ever after he and his teenage passenger got stuck in a snowstorm and he got a hotel room so she would be safe. Coincidentally, the worst Uber driver ever also brought his teenage passenger to a hotel.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a bar at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A lesbian bar in New York City is now offering on site COVID tests for customers. They plan to use a much less invasive technique where they sort of just grind around the outside.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Taco Bell logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Taco Bell– This is a terrible transition. Oh god. Taco Bell has introduced a subscription service that lets users get one taco every day for $Colin Jost0 a month. Which kind of sounds like an insult in a rap battle. This bitch so fast he got a subscription to tacos.

New Governess

Maria… Kate McKinnon

Ariana DeBose

Sarah Sherman

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a clip of mountains in Austria, 1938] [Cut to Maria giving instructions to the children in home]

Maria: Now children, as you know, I recently moved in with your neighbors, the Von Traps, and I instantly made all of their children perfect. And your father says you’re in need of the same thing.

Sarah: Oh, Maria, you’re going to be our teacher too?

Maria: Well, no. Not quite. See, between concerts and puppet shows and fleeing the Nazis, I’m already stretched quite thin.

Bowen: But then who’s going to be our new governess?

Maria: I’m delighted to say I found someone perfect. She’s quirky and fun. And just like me, she just got kicked out of a nunnery for erratic behavior. Flous Menken.

[Flous Menken comes in dancing and singing]

Flous Menken: [singing] The hills are alive

Andrew: Oh, wow, Maria. She loves the outdoors. Just like you.

Flous Menken: Oh, no. I’m saying the hills are alive and do not go out there.

Maria: Okay, she’s not exactly like me.

Flous Menken: Well, now, children. If Maria has taught me anything in the car ride over here, it’s that you can solve all of the family’s emotional problems just by singing.

Chris: Singing. What’s that?

Flous Menken: Oh, it’s easy. I’ll teach you, with Maria’s permission. Of course.

Maria: Yes. Pretend that I’m not even here. You can be great.

[music playing]

Flous Menken: [singing] Let’s start at the very start of the song
It’d be crazy to start in the middle
When you read you begin with do-re-mi
and singing is exactly the same

How am I doing Maria?

Maria: Good. You’re doing great.

Andrew: But we still don’t know how just sing.

Flous Menken: Hmm. Well, how can I make this simpler? Ah, yes. Like this.

[singing] Do- a thing that Homer Simpson says
Re- A movie with Jamie Fox
Me- like Me, Myself and Diary
Fa- like fought without a T

Maria: Okay. Just stick to the–

Flous Menken: So- an album by Peter Gabriel
La- what people call Los Angeles

Ti- the shape of an IUD

Maria: They’re children!

Flous Menken: And when Homer gets mad he says “Do!”

Alright children. I think it’s your turn.

Andrew: This might surprise you but we didn’t catch all that.

Flous Menken: Don’t think. Just sing.

Bowen: Alright, I’ll try.

Do- the last name of a body found in a river

Sarah: Re- Romano everybody loves here

Andrew: Me- A kid who pees in the sink

Chris: Fa- like the end of queen Latifah

Flous Menken: So- how children make our sneakers
La- the start of Queen Latifah
Ti- like the middle of Queen Latifah

All: And when Homer gets mad he says Do-oh-oh-do!

[Sarah is holding a picture of Homer Simpson]

Maria: Where did you get that?

Flous Menken: Oh, I stole it from the Vatican. Please don’t tell anyone.

Maria: Okay. Listen. I really, I must object to some of your lyrics. You’ve used Queen Latifah three times.

Flous Menken: Well, what did you say for La?

Maria: I said “La- the note that follows So”

Chris: Damn, that’s so lazy.

Sarah: Yeah. Queen Latifa is way better than that.

Greta: Flous Menken, can I try?

[everyone is shocked]

Andrew: Greta spoke!

Bowen: Yes! For the first time since witnessing mother’s gruesome death.

Flous Menken: Now, that’s the power of song. Sing Greta. Oh, seeing you beautiful angel.

Greta: Do- a deer, a female deer 

Flous Menken: Okay, stop, stop, stop, sweetie darling. I really hate to correct you. I know this is a big moment for you. But a female deer is not called to a Do. It’s called a lady deer.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: What is all of this noise? Singing in my house?

Sarah: Oh, papa, don’t be mad.

Kenan: Mad? quite the opposite. As a young man, I was considered something of a sham– And I would take my inspiration from the most beautiful thing in the world. Fast food.

[singing] Curly fries, waffle fries
every Tuesday at RVs
Jalapeño bites, taste so nice
grease on the crotch of my khakis

Sing with me, children.

All: Gravy fries, crispy fries
every Tuesday at RVs

Weekend Update Adele Proposal New Lethal Weapon Movie

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news et. There’s a picture of Adele at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man surprised his girlfriend by bringing you’re on stage to propose to her during an Adele concert. Then they sat down and listened to an hour of songs about divorce.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Lethal Weapon poster at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Mel Gibson is reportedly in talks to direct a new Lethal Weapon movie but if you want to see a broken down black guy team up with a handsome racist, just watch Weekend Update.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Frida Kahlo painting at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Thanks. Thanks.I wasn’t addressed. Anyway, a self Portrait by Frida Kahlo was sold at auction for the record some of $34 million. A price that definitely raised some eyebrows.

[Picture changes to an article that says “Professor: not immoral for adults to be attracted to children”.]

A professor at a college in Virginia is being criticized after saying that it is not immoral for adults to be sexually attracted to children. Find out why and his new book – “Wait, hold on! Hear me out…”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of bees at right top corner.]

Michael Che: New research shows that before honey bees are killed by murder Hornets, they scream a rally cry to other bees… who sadly just film the attack on their phones.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Disneyland logo at left top corner.]

It’s not real, guys.

Colin Jost: Bees. It was announced that for the first time ever, Disney parks will feature black Santa Clauses. Unfortunately, as part of the villains parade.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Queen Elizabeth at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Royal experts are saying that Queen Elizabeth’s health has entered a different phase and the public may not see her until February. So, you know what that means. New titties!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of moon at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week the US experienced the longest partial lunar eclipse in nearly 600 years. Scientists say the Eclipse began when yo mama got on the trampoline.