Mr. Nicetro… Kenan Thompson
Broady… Luke Null
Jacquelin… Saoirse Ronan
Aaron… Mikey Day
Randy… Kyle Mooney
William… Chris Redd
Janitor… Alex Moffat
Linch… Beck Bennett[Starts with Mr. Nicetro speaking to the students]
Mr. Nicetro: Okay, class, before we dive into the unit review, I have cue the growns, rule breaks for midterm exam.
Mr. Nicetro: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know. Get it out now. Alright, first–[New guy walks in]
New guy: Mr. C. Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my alarm clock. [throws his back pack to his classmate] Hold my back pack. [walks to Jacquelin] Mr. C, Kelly’s a thief. She stole my breath away.
Jacquelin: Go away.
New guy: Ha-ha. Ouch, that hurt my feelings. But you can make it up to me by taking me to the movie on Friday.
Jacquelin: No, for real. Just get out of my space.
New guy: Alright, cool. Turning me down. Must be lesbian.[New guy lights up a cigarette] Hold this. [passes the cigarette to Brad] Oh, my god! Brad, is that a cigarette? [takes a puff] It is! It is a cigarette. Shame on you, Brad. I’ll take care of this, Mr. C. He’s a jerk. [New guy looks at Randy] Oh, Finkle Stein. Let me have your yamaka-dot-kamaka. Mr. C, don’t give me any homework this week. It’s Rashishanika. Salam. [
New guy runs to Pete] Nerd-le-Stein. Nerd-le-dean. [grabs Pete’s lunch bag] Oh, what do we got here? A little bit of egg salad. Very good. I’ll do you a favor and throw that into trach.[New guy reaches to William] Yo, yo, yo. What’s going on, my dude? What’s good? Oh, nice kicks! Damn, Jina! [Janitor walks in]
Janitor: Bad time to get the trash?
New guy: Oh, it’s the Janitor. Question, is the first thing your wife says when you get home? You smell? Or you smell terrible? I’m kidding with ya. Now, Mr. C, enough foreplay. What do you say, we learn a little English lit?[New guy takes his seat. He puts his feet on the table.] [Mr. Nicetro walks to New guy]
Mr. Nicetro: Shut up and get your feet out of the table.
New guy: Yes, sir.
Mr. Nicetro: Young man, in my 38 years as an educator, I have never seen anything as misguided and brazen as your behavior these last three minutes. Specially seeing as you are new here. And it is your first day at this school. None of us have ever met you. My name by the way is Mr. Nicetro. Not Mr. C. And the names you called them aren’t them either. Furthermore, this is an algebra 2 class, not English lit.
New guy: Oh, I’m sorry I had– I just wanted to make a splash.
Mr. Nicetro: Well, it was a belly flop. I think you owe everybody here an apology starting with the young lady you drooled over like a pig.
New guy: I’m sorry, Kelly.
Jacquelin: My name’s Jacquelin. And you’re right, I am a lesbian. It was really hard for me to come out. But you know, thinking about dating a guy like you makes me really glad I did.
William: My name is William, man! Not Lil D. Man, you said, “Yo, yo, yo,” I’m like, “Is this guy racist?” And then by “Damn Jina,” I was like, “Yeah.”
New guy: I’m sorry again. I just wanted to make the splash.
Aaron: Cool man. Hey, my name is Aaron. You called me Brad. I’m allergic to smokes. So I had to stick epipen into my leg after our interaction. So, thank you for that.
New guy: Oh, really. Dang!
Randy: For future reference, my name is Randy Goodman. Not Finkle Stein. And it’s Yamaka, not yamaka-dot-kamaka.
New guy: I was just trying to make everyone laugh. Also, I’m really sorry for whoever’s lunch I threw in the trash.
Pete: Oh, no worries, man. It’s not like I have a stomach issue and everything in that lunch was carefully picked out by a dietician. Killer joke!
Janitor: And that leaves me. I’m sorry your work isn’t up to your standards. And if you wanna let my wife know how bad I smell, she’s easy– She’s easy to find. Plot 199-J at New Haven cemetary.[Janitor walks out staring at New guy]
Mr. Nicetro: Well, young man, today was not your day. But, perhaps, you’ll be able to move pass this socially. Now, what is your name?
New guy: Broady Cho.[Jacquelin starts laughing]
Mr. Nicetro: Nope! Never mind. You’re doomed![Linch walks in. He is wearing a leather jacket.]
Linch: Oh, you’re starting without me?
Mr. Nicetro: Oh, Mr. Linch. How nice for you to join us.
Linch: Yeah, I’m sorry Mr. Nicetrum. You know, I lost track of time when I was writing in my diary about how much I love this class.[Everybody cheers]
Mr. Nicetro: B! See Mr. Cho, that’s how it’s done. Come on, get in.