Leslie Jones[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: Well, dating is very complicated wherever you live. But specially here in New York city. Here to offer her thoughts is our relationship expert, Leslie Jones.[Leslie Jones slides in]
Leslie Jones: Woooo![cheers and applause]
Thank you Colin. Nice to be here.
Colin Jost: Very nice to have you back, Leslie. Now, tell us. Is it hard dating in New York?
Leslie Jones: Man, everything is hard in New York. Why does it need to be this cold, Colin? Why?
Colin Jost: I think coz it’s winter.
Leslie Jones: Don’t be cute with me you frosty ass snowman. I’m tired of walking. I’m tired of walking, Jost.
Colin Jost: Yeah. Good transition.
Leslie Jones: I gotta stretch before I go to a store. [Cut to Leslie Jones] And y’all New Yorkers, y’all don’t know how to get directions. Yeah, yeah, “A couple of blocks.” It’s 5 miles! I was supposed to meet a man at a restaurant that one of you New Yorkers said it’s couple of blocks away, and I almost froze to death like Jack Nicholson in ‘Shining’. Don’t ‘couple of blocks’ me no more. These avenues is killing a bitch. Lord, why does the avenues have to be longer than blocks, father? I’ve been on 5th avenue for ten hours. When is it gonna turn to 6th?
And stop trying to explain this east, west stuff to me, okay? Coz I’m not gonna get it. “If you get to 6th street, you’re on the west.” [yelling] I’m not gonna get it! The last east, west stuff I understood was Biggie and Tupac and that did not end well.
And the subway? Subway just nasty. I was standing on a subway platform on a date and a breeze came through and I wanted to kill everybody! That rat faeces dust just fly into my mouth? And my date– my date– This guy who I thought I liked is standing there like, “Ooh! Doesn’t the breeze feel good?” [yelling] No! Shut up! We just died here! We just got rat AIDS.[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Couple of problems with rat AIDS.
Leslie Jones: And you know what? You know what? In here, I got to compete with these white beautiful New York bitches. [Cut to Leslie Jones] And none of y’all scared of me. At all! I used to be able to scare the hell out of a white girl in LA. Just walk up to them, give my best Compton stare. Not out here! You white bitches are strong. I bumped into a white girl on a train and I was like, “Yo! Yo! What’s up?” And she was like, “Yeah, bitch? What? What?” I was like, “Oh, my god! I am so sorry.” She turned me into the white girl, Jost.[Cut to Leslie Jones and Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Damn!
Leslie Jones: Shut up! Don’t you ever say that again!
Colin Jost: I won’t. Leslie Jones, everybody!
Leslie Jones: [yelling] It’s cold!