Weekend Update- Sarah’s News (Birthday Edition)

Colin Jost

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: Well, usually this doesn’t go well for me, but since it’s her birthday in three days, we decided to let her do it here, is Sarah Sherman with the Sarah News.

[Cut to Sarah News intro] [cheers and applause]

Sarah Sherman: Thanks, Colin. I promise you won’t regret it.

Colin Jost: I’m sure not.

Sarah Sherman: In Sarah News, this week. I’m finally turning 30, or as Collin calls it “15 years too old.”

Colin Jost: Come on. No.

Sarah Sherman: What? When I invited you to my birthday party, you RSVP’ed “I’m not gonna be there unless it’s a Quinceañera.”

Colin Jost: I don’t go to Quinceañeras.

Sarah Sherman: Oh really? Hah. This just in, Colin Jost refuses to celebrate Hispanic culture.

In science news, NASA engineers preparing for a trip to Mars recently sent a team of researchers to the driest place on Earth. Said my boyfriend, “Hey, get out of my girlfriend’s underwear.” Good luck down there boys. We salute you.

Colin Jost: All right. Do you do you have any real news Sarah?

Sarah Sherman: Of course. In real news, the US is facing a threat from a highly intelligent breed of pig dubbed the super pig, which is funny because “Super Pig” is also what Colin writes on my dressing room mirror anytime he catches me eating without his permission.

Colin Jost: I don’t give you permission to eat.

Sarah Sherman: I know. Me and all the other girls are starving, Colin. Can you hear my stomach gurgling?

Colin Jost: Actually, yes, I can. Often. Do you have like a stomach issue or something?

Sarah Sherman: No, I’m just Jewish, Colin, which isn’t a disease despite what you wrote in your book.

Colin Jost: That’s chapter one? Come on.

Sarah Sherman: In other news, just three weeks After a chemical train derailment, officials now say the water in East Palestine is safe to drink. Yeah, about as safe as any cocktail Colin gets me at an after party. Every time I come back from the bathroom, my drink is fizzing like a science fair volcano.

Colin Jost: My family watches this show!

Sarah Sherman: Colin, seriously, stop trying to lift up the bottom of my pant leg with your bare feet.

Colin Jost: I’m wearing shoes.

Sarah Sherman: Shoes don’t have toenails, Colin. In other news, I just found out that Peacock is streaming every episode of Colombo, featuring God’s gift to women Peter Falk. Oh my god, Hachi mochi, an old guy with a loose eyeball and resting cigar face? Honey, maybe he can solve the mystery of my sopping wet chair. Get to the high grounds, the levy is broken and the city is flooded.

Colin Jost: Absolutely disgusting. Well, Sara, it is your birthday. So we’ve decided to get you a very Sarah style birthday cake. [someone brings in the cake] Happy birthday.

Sarah Sherman: Thanks, Colin. And by the way, thank you so much for the card you made me, Colin.

Colin Jost: Oh, I don’t remember writing a card.

Sarah Sherman: Go ahead. Read your birthday message to me that you wrote.

Colin Jost: Oh. Sarah, too bad you can’t eat this cake since you failed weigh in. Sarah Sherman, everyone. Happy Birthday. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Sarah Sherman Debuts Sarah News

Colin Jost

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, guys, we’re six shows into the new season. Here to discuss a personal gripe with me is our very own Sarah Sherman.

[Sarah Sherman slides in] [Cheers and applause]

Sarah Sherman: Colin, I’ve got a bone to pick with you.

Colin Jost: Oh, God, what did I do now?

Sarah Sherman: None of these jokes are about me. It was all midterms this, Trump that, but what about Sarah?

Colin Jost: We can’t do jokes about you, Sarah.

Sarah Sherman: But I can, and I’m gonna do them all here right now.

[music playing] [new Weekend Update goofy intro of “Sarah News” playing]

Colin Jost: You brought your own set?

Sarah Sherman: Of course I did, ’cause yours looks ugly. I’m Sarah, and this is the “Sarah News.” A tunnel below Niagara Falls recently opened to the public for the first time in over a century. A musty, old tunnel letting people back in after years of disuse? “I can only hope,” said my boyfriend. That’s right, America. I have a boyfriend. Don’t let the queer haircut fool you, honey. I’m as straight as Michael Che’s “Update’ persona.”

[Michael Che is confused]

Earlier this week, Elon Musk suspended Twitter’s paid verification system. Well, I guess the only checkmark next to my name will be the one on Kanye’s list of Jews to keep an eye on.

Colin Jost: Okay, alright. Alright, I think that’s enough jokes about Sarah.

Sarah Sherman: Bro, I’m only gonna say this once. Stop touching my leg under the table. [they’re sitting too far for that, and Colin’s hands are visible on the camera]

Colin Jost: I’m not doing that.

Sarah Sherman: It’s time for world news. [pulls out a globe, spins it and points on it randomly] Today, I’ll be doing a story on… Whoa! Pennsylvania!

Colin Jost: You pointed to the middle of the ocean.

Sarah Sherman: Okay, what are you, a geographer? Relax, bro. In Pennsylvania news, senator elect and big, gorgeous monster John Fetterman has received criticism for his casual dress. And I agree. Those cargo shorts and hoodies don’t belong on the Senate floor. They belong crumpled up on my bedroom floor. Hachi machi. Thanksgiving must’ve come early this year because that hunk is giving the turkey wattle between my legs something to be thankful for.

Colin Jost: Oh, my God. That is disgusting.

Sarah Sherman: Somebody’s jealous. Speaking of disgusting, I recently had an allergic reaction that made my face look like this. But on the bright side, now I have a picture to show the HR lady when she asks, “What did Colin ever do to you?”

Colin Jost: Sarah, that is horrible. Alright, we have to end this.

Sarah Sherman: Why? So you can get back to, like, whatever this crap is? [pointing at Colin’s notes]

Colin Jost: Wait, what?

Sarah Sherman: Hey, guys, by the way, these aren’t notes. They’re just Colin’s little drawings of me. [Pulls Colin’s paper and shows it to the audience. It has a rough drawing of a woman in bikini]

Colin Jost: You planted that. Sarah Sherman, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

WKTVN News

Chance… Michael Longfellow

Vicki… Ego Nwodim

Alicia… Heidi Gardner

Tod… Bowen Yang

Cecily Strong

Amy Schumer

[Starts with Ego and Heidi in their news set]

Ego: Good evening and welcome to WkTVN news.

Heidi: And later tonight, Baklava or Balaclava? A new study shows there’s a big difference between the two delicious treats.

Ego: I love studies like that. But first, we go to Trumbull County where a fire has spread, forcing several families out of their homes. Let’s check in with our brand new reporter, Chance Harmstrong.

[Cut to Chance]

Chance: Thanks. Thanks, Vicki. And Alicia. I’m so thrilled to be joining the team. So right now I’m here with a local resident whose home was damaged in the fire. Ma’am, tell us what happened.

Cecily: Um, sir, I was having my normal cigarette in bed [frame showing an asian guy behind her as well] and I got woke up by a man outside going bang, bang, bang. And I had smelt fire and he said fire. So I put 2 and 10 together and I said fire sir.

Chance: Right. And do you have any idea how this fire could have started and why?

Cecily: I’m not sure exactly how sir. But I know 100% why. And I did not want to say names, but it is my cousin.

Chance: It was your cousin.

Cecily: Yes. And she is looking right at you now sir.

Amy: What? Oh, you taking a picture of me? No, you’re not. Not for free, you’re not. No.

Chance: Okay. Why are you so certain it was your cousin?

Cecily: She is mad because she wants to go with my husband, because look at him. [her husband is the asian guy they showed before]

Tod: This for TV?

Chance: Yes. This is the news, sir.

Tod: Oh, snap.

Chance: Okay, back to the fire.

Cecily: Yes, it’s a long story. But she is mad because she can’t get with him because he chose me and she’s my cousin.

Amy: Hey, keep saying stuff like that. I will set your house upon fire again.

Cecily: Hey, set my house on fire. I ain’t scared.

Amy: Okay.

Chance: Okay, all right. This was not as informative as I’d hoped. Quite a first day. Back to you. Vicki and Alicia.

Tod: Hey, come back to me. Take my picture. Look what I can do. [he climbs on the pole] Look what I can do. One hand, one hand, one hand.

Amy: Go Tod, go Tod. He’s showing up for me. I want to lay with you.

Tod: I said I can’t.

Chance: Well, there you have it. And I think we’re all done here. Vicki and Alicia.

[Molly walks in]

Molly: Sir, if I may, just to clear this up, you see the two them were cousins.

Chance: Yes. I know that. Do you know anything about the fire?

Molly: No, I do not. But sir, if I may, since he got to do the trick, look when I can do. [she leans backwards]

Chance: Okay, I don’t know what that is. And I’m not really here to look at tricks.

Amy: Hey, he ain’t even my cousin. He’s only my cousin because he married my cousin. So hey, I can still get with you because I want to lay with you, Tod.

Tod: Go home. No one wants to lay with you.

Amy: I bet you someone will.

Cecily: No, they won’t, because you ain’t got it like this. [Cecily flashes her breasts]

Amy: Like hell they don’t. [Amy flashes her breasts too]

Chance: Okay, no, this cannot. It’s literally my first day.

[Chance tries to walk away from them, but bumps into James.]

James: Oh sir, if I may. I can clear this up. 100%.

Chance: Just don’t say they’re cousins.

James: Exactly. They are cousins. also, look what I can do. [starts making silly noises]

Chance: Okay. Yeah. Now I’m unfortunately seeing a lot of people lined up and I’m assuming no one wants to talk about the fire.

Marcello: Oh, I don’t know anything about that, sir. But look what I can do. [starts dancing]

Chance: That’s great. You’re very talented.

Amy: Listen, the real reason I am mad at her…. [snatches the mic] The real reason I am mad at you and set fire to upon your house and your trampoline upon fire is because you have not had but one nice thing to me my whole life.

Cecily: What? Are you serious? I like you. I like your smile. Your homemade rice is worth. You make good French bread pizza. And I’m sorry that the years have seen us drift apart in terms of being cousins.

Amy: So now what?

Tod: A kiss makeup?

[They all lean to kiss each other]

Chance: No, no. Do not film these three cousins kissing. Well, it was my first day. And I’m assuming it’s my last. So in that case, what the hell? Look what I can do. [starts dancing]

Weekend Update Russias Fake News Law DeSantis Calls Disney a Woke Corporation

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of coronavirus at left top corner.]

This week marks two years since the beginning of the first COVID lockdown. And let’s just say some people have handled the stress better than others. [picture changes to Vladimir Putin] Russia has passed a fake news law that makes it illegal for any organization to report information that contradicts what the government says, which explains the recent headline – 6’5″ Putin not insane.

President Biden downplay the possibility of US military intervention saying we will not fight the third world war in Ukraine. And I understand, but it’s hard to stand by and watch Putin bombing things like schools, or maternity ward, and I’m just going to assume puppy daycare centers. The situation is so upsetting that I’ve honestly thought about marching down to the nearest army enlistment office and signing Che up.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a list of gas price at right top corner.]

Michael Che: After the US ban on Russian oil gas prices hit a record high of $4.30 a gallon which is so expensive that America, we might have to move back in with our ex. [Picture changes to map of Iraq.] Come on, Iraq, you know we never stopped loving you baby.

Russia has responded to sanctions by banning the export of Russian made cars, but a Russian made car was just a drunk bear on rollerskates.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Vladimir Putin and Starbucks logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Starbucks has responded to the invasion of Ukraine by shutting down its locations in Russia in hopes of sending a message to President [picture changes to a Starbucks cup with wrong name written on it] Vanderpump Rintin.

[Picture changes to McDonald’s outlet]

After McDonald’s announced they would stop doing business in their country, Russians have begun hoarding their sandwiches, including some honorary Russians. [Picture changes to Donald Trump in a room full of sandwiches] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a news article that says “Bill to make lynching federal hate crime” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Congress passed a bill that makes lynching a federal hate crime punishable by up to 30 years in prison. And they’re not messing around. You can get 150 days for just making one up. [Picture changes to an article saying “Jussie Smollett sentenced to 150 days in jail.] [Picture changes to Disney logo]

Disney employees were upset that the company took so long to condemn Florida’s proposed ‘Don’t say gay’ bill, although at Disney, they actually don’t say gay. They say Timon and Pumbaa.

[Picture changes to Ron DeSantis at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Florida Governor Ron DeSantis seen here waving COVID into the club, he attacked Disney for hosing the state’s ‘Don’t say gay’ bill calling the company a woke Corporation. Disney denied the claims of wokeness with roughly 90 years of cartoons.

Fox News Ukraine Cold Open

Tucker Carlson… Alex Moffat

Laura Ingram… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Steven Seagal… Bowen Yang

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Kimberly Guilfoyle… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: And now live from Mar-A-Lago, it’s the Fox News Ukrainian Invasion Celebration Spectacular.  With your hosts Tucker Carlson and Laura Ingram.

[Cut to the show set]

Tucker Carlson: Good evening everyone, I’m Tucker Carlson. I’m like a pair of both shoes came to life.

Laura Ingram: And I’m Laura Ingram and when I watch Harry Potter, I root for Voldemort.

Tucker Carlson: We got into a weird a bit of trouble for all the nice things we said about Russia and the mean things we said about Ukraine.

Laura Ingram: We did sound pretty awful in hindsight and foresight.

Tucker Carlson: I kept asking why do we hate Putin? Aren’t liberals in America even worse?

Laura Ingram: Right. And I called the president of Ukraine pathetic. He stayed and fought with his people in the war, and I called him pathetic from a news desk in Washington.

Tucker Carlson: I kept saying we should be more worried about our own border getting invaded by Mexico, but in my defense, I am racist. So I thought that was true.

Laura Ingram: But tonight, we’re gonna make it up to you. We’re raising money for the real victims of this invasion, the oligarchs, because we need to think about the babies. Their Sugar Babies who will pour vodka in their mouths. So many horny mouths to feed.

Tucker Carlson: So please open your wallets. And because this is Fox News, you can either send money or take out a reverse mortgage. So far, we’ve raised over 8.3 billion rubles, which comes out to almost $12.

Laura Ingram: And this is incredibly exciting. Former and current President of the United States, Donald Trump is manning the phone lines himself.

Donald Trump: [talking on the phone] And you know, the thing about Rihanna is you know what, she could pull it off, but she could be nine months, body’s still incredible. It’s just wow. But now you’re gonna have a lot of women. We’re seeing this right now. Threes, fours, frankly trolls, wearing the same see through shirts. You know what? I hesitate to say whales because I know the whales are very popular with the whales. I do great with whales. You know, they come up to me on the beach and they say “Thank you, Mr. President.” You know, the blowhole is blasting away to Donald Trump00 feet in the air. It’s how they salute me.

Tucker Carlson: Okay, welcome back to Mr. President. Because our first guest is here. He’s a great American patriots, so great that he left America and became a Russian citizen, the puffy hast action star in the world Steven Seagal.

Steven Seagal: Thank you, Tucker. Oh, what a global crisis we are facing. As someone who proudly pretends to be both Native American and Japanese, I feel for all people.

Tucker Carlson: Now, you’re close with President Putin, right?

Steven Seagal: Yes, Putin and I are, as they say in ancient Japan, Eskimo brothers. So I will be honoring Putin by performing an authentic taekwondo exhibition. Hai-ya Hai-ya Hi-yo. Now, it’s time to honor myself with a traditional Japanese shamrock shake, the efficient feasible beverage of all Aikido exhibitions. Haiy-ya.

Laura Ingram: Thank you, Steven. Now, let’s get back in with the man who said Putin’s invasion was very smart and also said China should invade Taiwan next. Mr. President?

Donald Trump: [still talking on the phone] My favorite food is probably bread and more specifically, bun. I like bun. Bun is great. Especially with respect to burger. You know what? Now they want to go beyond burger. Can you believe that? I want to stay right at Burger. Beyond is not good. Joe Biden has gotten beyond burger and it is not going so well. And you know what? Neither has reboot a Fresh Prince. It’s very different and I’m laughing and I’m laughing and I’m laughing but I don’t know why.

Laura Ingram: I do hear a dial tone on the other end of that phone. So let’s hear what kind of prizes we’re giving away tonight.

Tucker Carlson: Laura, we’re sending every Russian soldier a Fox News care package. And that includes My Pillow, a six month subscription to LifeLock, and Tucker Carlson0 American flag catheters.

Laura Ingram: All courtesy to tonight’s sponsor Acorn Stairlifts. You’re going to heaven soon. Practice going up with Acorn Stairlift.

Tucker Carlson: Now, please welcome America’s first couple, the real Prince Harry and Meghan Markel, Don Jr. And Kimberly Guilfoyle. They’re going to be performing duet in honor of Russia and Ukraine coming together.

[Instrumental to “Shallow” playing]

Kimberly Guilfoyle: [singing] Tell me something boy
Don’t you love that big Russian Convo
or do you need more?
This invasion gets me so damn hard

Donald Trump Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle: In the shaa-shallow
we’re far from the shallow now

Kimberly Guilfoyle: I’m off the deep end
we should take Ukraine
it’s more white than black

Tucker Carlson: Yeah. I’m gonna cut that one a little short. Thank you, guys.

Donald Trump Jr.: Is there a bathroom with a mirrored counter nearby?

Tucker Carlson: Yeah, man, it’s Mar-A-Lago Okay. All right, guys, you know I do have a quick announcement. Is anybody driving a yacht with a license plate “niet means da”? Your boat is currently being towed by NATO.

Laura Ingram: Also, Putin has just criminalized free speech and shut down all independent news organizations.

Tucker Carlson: Yeah, so I’m thinking can we please do that to CNN?

[Tucker Carlson and Laura Ingram laughing]

Laura Ingram: Every time I laugh, an Angel dies.

Tucker Carlson: Now, let’s take a quick break. When we come back, we’ll be giving away a free T shirt.

Laura Ingram: That’s right. The front says “I stormed the Capitol”, and the back says “This does not constitute an admission of guilt”.

Tucker Carlson: And plus, win tickets to see Matt Gaetz do a live reading of his favorite Russian novel, Bolita.

Donald Trump: And I’ve got something I’d like to say to Putin as well. Vladimir, I want you to hear this from me. You was smart, you was kind, you was important. And here’s a little song for me to you.

[singing] My funny valentine
sweet comic valentine
you make me smile with my heart
Your looks are laughable
unphotographable
Yet you’re my favorite work of art.

Laura Ingram: [interrupting] Thank you so much–

Donald Trump: [continues] Is your figure less than Greek
is your mouth a little weak
when you open it to speak
are you smart?

Tucker Carlson: [interrupting] Alright, that’s more than generous–

Donald Trump: [continues] But don’t change a hair for me
not if you care for me
stay little valentine, stay
Each day is Valentine’s Day

I love you, Vlad

Laura Ingram: I know he loves you too.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update Instagrams Blackout and Fox News Turns 25

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mark Zuckerberg at left top corner.]

Well, this week we found out that sometimes a guy in a hoodie actually can be dangerous. Internal documents show that Facebook knew its platform was used to spread hate and information but they hid the evidence. Now, the weird thing is I went to school with Mark Zuckerberg and I was there when he created Facebook. And I feel terrible. I mean sometimes I wish I had a time machine so I could go back to college and find Mark and say, “Hey man, can I be part of your company?”

Facebook is also denying a report that says using Instagram can cause users to develop a negative body image, which explains their rival’s new slogan “TikTok, bring your fat ass over here”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Instagram logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: This week Instagram was down for an entire day, forced many Instagram addicts to fill their time with Twitter, TikTok or hosting SNL. [Picture changes to Kim Kardashian hosting SNL monologue]

Fox News turned 25 this week and they celebrated their birthday the same way I do. By paying white women to say some nasty stuff.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell smiling with his thumbs up at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell seen here watching a child fall into the gorilla enclosure, McConnell has agreed to a deal to temporarily raise the debt ceiling through early December. And then at that point, it’ll be almost Christmas and McConnell will be busy going around Toys for Tots bins and gluing them shut.

[Picture changes to Joe Biden]

Yesterday, president Biden issued a historic proclamation for indigenous people’s day. Biden made the announcement just moments after his staff talked him out of wearing the headrest. Indigenous peoples’ day by the way will be observed simultaneously with Columbus day. [listening to his headset] And this just in, Columbus day has forced Indigenous Peoples’ day to move to a worse day.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of New York map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] It was reported that ahead of the deadline for all New York city schools’ employees to get vaccinated, more than 18,000 employees got at least one shot last week. And hopefully some of them got the vaccine too.

[Picture changes to R. Kelly]

In the wake of R. Kelly’s sex trafficking conviction, YouTube has removed two channels linked with the singer. One for his singing and the other about how to remove stains.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Bill Cosby and R. Kelly at left top corner.]

It’s been a pleasure working here.

Colin Jost: [laughing] Bill Cosby said he thinks R. Kelly “Got railroaded” following the singer’s sex trafficking conviction. Cosby made the comments in the latest issue of “Not Helping” magazine.

Minnesota News Cold Open

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Kate McKinnon

Craig… Alex Moffat

Calvin… Chris Redd

[Starts with “Eye On Minnesota” intro] [cheers and applause] [Cut to the set. There are four hosts. Kenan and Ego are black, Kate and Craig are white.]

Kenan: Good afternoon and welcome to KDBD mid-day news, “Eye One Minnesota”.

Ego: It’s been a tough week for news. There’s so much to get into. But first, we start with the trial of Derek Chauvin.

Kate: Yes. I just want to say this has been highly emotional for everybody, I’m sure.

Ego: Definitely. I mean, watching this trial brought back so many bad feelings from last summer.

Kenan: I know. I felt myself getting angry all over again.

Craig: Absolutely.

Kate: Well, I thought the prosecution did an excellent job questioning the medical examiner.

Ego: He sure did.

Kenan: Yup.

Craig: But the video footage alone should tell you everything you need to know about what happened.

Kenan: Kenan00%

Ego: No doubt about it.

Craig: Okay. And hopefully, justice will be served.

Kenan: That’d be nice.

Kate: Sounds like we all agree. There’s no way Derek Chauvin walks away from this.

Kenan: Well…

Ego: I’m not going to say that.

Craig: Wait a second. You guys aren’t buying into Chauvin’s defense, are you?

Kenan: Of course, not.

Ego: I mean, the defense trying to make a case that George Floyd’s drug use was somehow responsible is just deplorable.

Kenan: It was a clear act of desperation to create doubt where there is none.

Kate: Exactly. And there’s no way that juries are going to fall for that.

Kenan: I’m not saying that.

Craig: Well, wait. So, what are you guys trying to say?

Kenan: Look, y’all seem like good people.

Ego: Let’s just say we’ve seen this movie before.

Kenan: Boom.

Kate: You know what? That’s fair. I think skepticism of the legal process is valid.

Kenan: Yes.

Ego: That’s all we’re saying.

Kate: Yes. Historically, police have gotten away in other cases like this.

Kenan: Historically?

Ego: She means every single time.

Kenan: Oh. That.

Kate: But after all the protests that happened last summer, there’s no way this doesn’t go the way we hope.

Kenan: She means well. She means well.

Ego: I don’t know what she is talking about.

Craig: Okay, hang on. You guys are going to at least admit this country has made a lot of progress recently, yes?

Kenan: For who?

Ego: When?

Kate: Maybe don’t go there?

Craig: Okay.

Kenan: No, no, no. Please. Go there, Craig.

Ego: Yes. I do want to hear what Craig Jorgensen has to say about the black experience.

Craig: Okay. Look, I want to choose my words carefully here. So, to quote Thomas Jefferson–

Kenan: Uh-uh!

Ego: Did he just say Thomas Jefferson?

Kenan: That’s a bad start.

Kate: Let’s get another opinion on this.

Craig: Yes. Let’s ask our weather man, Calvin.

Kenan: [yelling] Yes, let’s ask Calvin.

Craig: Calvin.

[Calvin is also black]

Calvin: Man, don’t put me into this mess. I’m still in hot water for being in that Paul Pierce video.

Kate: No, this is important. We want to hear from you.

Calvin: Look, I don’t want to get fired. But obviously it’s an opening shut case.

Craig: Thank you.

Kate: That’s what we were saying.

Craig: Yes.

Calvin: That being said, he’s a white cop in Minnesota, so I’m against probation with pay, tops.

Kenan: You feel me? You feel me?

Ego: Yes, that part. that part.

Kate: Fine. Maybe you’re right, but for the sake of our city, I hope justice is finally served.

Kenan: Agreed.

Ego: I’m with you there.

Craig: Yes. Absolutely.

Kenan: The last thing we want is another riot.

Ego: Amed to that.

Craig: And I think we can all agree that no matter how bad things are, destroying property is never the answer.

Kenan: What?

Ego: I wouldn’t say never.

Kenan: I mean, it’s just property.

Ego: There’s insurance.

Craig: Sorry, but it’s not just property. I mean, I just think protest should be non-violent.

Kenan: Well, thank you for that little note, Craig.

Ego: Yes. We’ll be sure to tell the others, Craig Matthew Jorgensen.

Craig: Okay, that’s not fair.

Ego: Okay. This is getting a little heated. Maybe we should move on.

Kate: I think this is a good dialog.

Craig: I hear it. Yes. This is how we reach in understanding. And you know, at least we agree on the obvious stuff.

Ego: Like there is glaring discrepancy in the way black people are treated by police?

Kate: Of course.

Craig: Can’t deny that.

Kenan: And we need concrete solutions to fix this problem.

Craig: No argument there.

Kate: I’ve been saying this all along.

Ego: Okay. And we start with reparation.

Craig: Now wait, just a minute.

Kate: Interesting.

Kenan: Oh, that was a good try.

Ego: I thought I had them.

Kenan: You know what? Let’s just go to the weather report. Calvin.

Calvin: Sure, man. We’re in Minnesota. So, rest of April, cold. May, cold. June, cold. July, somehow hot as hell. Back to you y’all.

Craig: Thanks, Calvin. Thanks, pal. Okay, so what else is on the news, Joanne?

Kate: Well, more sad news this week. Unfortunately, we lost royalty yesterday.

Kenan: Oh, I’m glad you brought this up.

Ego: The rapper DMX died.

Kate: I’m sorry. I was talking about the prince.

Kenan: The Prince?

Ego: Girl, Prince been dead.

Craig: Sorry, she means prince Phillip of England.

Kenan: Megan Markle’s boyfriend?

Kate: He was married to Queen Elizabeth.

Ego: I don’t know who that is.

Kenan: Yeah, he the king. Is it a king?

Ego: I don’t know.

Kate: There’s got to be one news story we can all agree on?

Craig: What about Matt Gaetz?

Kate: Ah!

All: Awful guy!

Kenan: Nasty as hell.

Calvin: But when you think about it, 17 isn’t that young.

Kenan: No. No, man. See, that’s why you in trouble. That’s why you in trouble, Calvin.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Canadian News Show

Jean-Lawrence… Bowen Yang

Anne-Marie.. Kate McKinnon

Fred… Mikey Day

Awa-Sene… Issa Rae

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching CBC, Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. At nine, it’s “Schitt’s Creek” followed by the Shitt’s Creek reboot “Schartt’s Cavern”. But right now, you’re watching “Bonjour Hi!”

[Cut to Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie in their set.]

Jean-Lawrence: Bonjour Hi. Welcome to “Bonjour Hi”, the French Canadian morning news show live from Montreal, Montreal- the best parts of Canada and the worst parts of France. My name is Zoro Halls or John Larry. And as always, I’m joined by my beautiful cohost, Annagi.

Anne-Marie: Bonjour Jone.

Jean-Lawrence: Bonjour Hi. Now we do the bouncer. How was your weekend?

Anne-Marie: Well, I suffered an injury and I made love to a surf suley performer. I choke on the big scarf.

Jean-Lawrence: You’re always doing this.

Anne-Marie: Wait, but I went for surgery which was free, of course, and so is my new scarf.

Jean-Lawrence: Pretty. And today, we have with us our colleague from the south. He’s an American journalist quarantined in Canada because of covid, please welcome from Michigan, Jean-Fred.

Fred: Merci for having me. My name is actually Fred.

Jean-Lawrence: Go ahead, I said Jean-Fred.

Fred: No. Just Fred.

Jean-Lawrence: Please welcome Jean-Fred Desjardins.

Fred: Okay.

Jean-Lawrence: Let’s begin today’s update. Bar limits has proposed their controversial resolution for guaranteed universal basic income, but is this just an empty welfare promise? Anne-Marie, your update.

[Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie speaking in foreign language]

Jean-Lawrence: Jean-Fred, your thoughts?

Fred: Yes, or no. I’m sorry, I don’t speak whatever French this is.

Jean-Lawrence: [speaking in bad accent] Now, this time for our weekly segment with our Toronto correspondent, Awa-Sene. Awa-Sene, bonjour hi.

Awa-Sene: Bonjour hi. I am Awa-Sene and this is Drake Watch.

Jean-Lawrence: Yes. Our favorite part of the show where we find out if you saw Drake.

Anne-Marie: So, Awa, did you see Barack today?

Awa-Sene: No. This has been Drake Watch.

Fred: I’m sorry. That’s it? That’s the whole segment?

Awa-Sene: Oh, well, I thought I saw Drake but it was just my friend Aten. Aten looks a lot like Drake. And I was confused because he was crying in a basketball court.

Anne-Marie: Did you check anywhere else for Drake?

Awa-Sene: Yes. I almost found him this morning when I saw a man in a wheelchair. But then I remember Drake was only in wheelchair for potential [unintelligible]. So, it was not him.

Anne-Marie: Okay. Merci, Awa. Please keep us post if you see Drake.

Awa-Sene: Of course. This has been Drake Watch. [looking around using binoculars] Yoo-hoo. Drake?

Jean-Lawrence: What an exciting segment. Jean-Fred, do you like Drake?

Fred: I don’t know. I mean, he has kind of fallen off recently. .

[Jean-Lawrence starts shouting at Fred]

Anne-Marie: Jean-Host, do not blow your guest, please.

Fred: How is this a news show?

Jean-Lawrence: And now it’s time for the traffic report.

Anne-Marie: Oh! [puts a cigarette in her mouth] Today I was driving to work in my Pugeot [unintelligible] bridge. I took a left on [unintelligible] and then I parked in [unintelligible] parking garage and traffic was bad.

Jean-Lawrence: Great traffic report.

Fred: You can smoke in the studio?

Jean-Lawrence: Oh, here another, we have a breaking news story and we must start right away.

[Cut back to Awa-Sene]

Awa-Sene: Bonjour Hi, I am at the top of the [unintelligible] tower with a dramatic development in the search for Drake.

Anne-Marie: Oh, Drake is there?

Awa-Sene: No, Drake is not here.

Fred: Then why are you there?

Awa-Sene: Oh, as you can see on the cover of his famous album ‘Views’, Drake [unintelligible] in this very location. So, I thought I should check. But [unintelligible]

Fred: And that’s breaking news?

[Jean-Lawrence starts shouting at Fred again]

Awa-Sene: It is okay. I will continue to follow the [unintelligible] of Drake. I am like famous Canadian actress Rachel McAdams in the film “Spotlight.”

Jean-Lawrence: Rachel McAdams, a beautiful girl.

Anne-Marie: Beautiful girl.

[music playing]

Jean-Lawrence: Ah! We are almost out of time. Thank you to Jean-Fred. Please accept our gift of famous Moguel big weird bagels.

Fred: Oh, okay. These are bagels? Why is everything 25% different here?

Anne-Marie: We say it taste better with the big hole.

Jean-Lawrence: Yes, lick the cream out of the big hole. Since I’m young, I eat the big while hole this wya.

Awa-Sene: Jean-Fred, stick your face, go down on the big hole.

[Fred licks the food]

Fred: I regret doing that on camera.

Jean-Lawrence: Well, it is time to say bye to “Bonjour Hi”. We’re set to go but–

[Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie walks front]

Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie: That’s the way it is.

[singing] Don’t give up on your faith
and that’s the way

Weekend Update Second and Third hand news

Colin Jost

Anthony Crispino… Bobby Moynihan

Angelo… Ryan Gosling

[Starts with Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, there’s a lot of news in the news this week. [Michael Che laughing] Here to talk about the news he heard second hand is our second hand news correspondant, Anthony Crispino.

[Anthony slides in and hits Colin Jost]

Anthony: Hey, sorry. Sorry about that. Hey, wow! Wow!

Colin Jost: Came in hot?

Anthony: Came in hot there! Hey, it’s good to be back.

Colin Jost: Good to have you, man.

Anthony: Thank you. Thank you. Look at this guy, million dollar smile, two dollar tie.

Colin Jost: Okay. I feel like it’s a kind of a nice–

[Anthony suddenly grabs Colin Jost’s collar]

Anthony: Hey!

Colin Jost: [scared] Ah!

Anthony: I’m breaking balls, Colin! Come on! [Anthony suddenly grabs Colin Jost’s collar again] Whoop! I got you again!

[Anthony looking around]

So, you hear about this thing, though?

Colin Jost: No. What thing?

Anthony: A lot of stuff going on. This is crazy. Apparently, Sting can’t perform concerts in Chicago no more.

Colin Jost: Sting can’t perform in Chicago?

Anthony: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Coz they got rid of the head of the police.

Colin Jost: No. It’s not–

Anthony: No, it’s true.

Colin Jost: It’s not the band police. They got rid of the actual police chief.

[Cut to Anthony]

Anthony: Um…… pretty sure it was Sting though, Colin. You know, because the mayor was like, “Ay, don’t stand so close to me.” [Cut to Anthony and Colin Jost] You know, that’s what–

Colin Jost: Alright. And who did you hear that from?

Anthony: Who did I hear that from?

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Anthony: I heard it from my lotion guy. Slippery Gary.

Colin Jost: Okay!

Anthony: Yeah. Yeah. Good guy. Smart guy.

Colin Jost: He’s a good guy?

Anthony: He’s a great guy. He knows a lot about lotions.

Colin Jost: I really think slippery Gary is misinformed.

Anthony: Okay, alright. Well, you think he is misinformed, you should talk to my third hand news guy.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Third hand news?

Anthony: Um, yeah. He gets all his news from me. Hey, Angelo! Get out here.

[Angelo slides in] [cheers and applause] [Anthony and Angelo are looking around. They’re wearing same outfit.]

Angelo: Oh, hey there Colin. Where did you get that tie, huh? The bad store?

Anthony: Oh!

[laughing] [Anthony suddenly grabs Colin Jost’s collar as he’s laughing]

Colin Jost: Angelo, what have you heard?

Angelo: Oh, well, you know, you hear about this thing though? You hear about this thing though?

Colin Jost: No.

Angelo: Huge movie coming out.

Anthony: Yeah, huge!

Colin Jost: Which movie?

Anthony: Huge.

Angelo: Yeah, huge. Called, “Star Wars and the four Jamaicans.”

Anthony: Yep.

Colin Jost: No, that’s not it.

Anthony: Star Wars and the four Jamaicans.

Colin Jost: No, it’s not. It’s “The Force Awakens.”

Anthony and Angelo: Um…… pretty sure it’s the Jamaicans, though.

Anthony: Yeah, you know. And there’s four of them. Like, cool runnings. And they always say, “Ay, Luke use the force, man!” You know? It’s crazy.

Angelo: Yeah, and it was directed by Jar Jar Abrahams.

Anthony: Yeah, great director. Great. Good guy.

Angelo: Good guy. It’s like, you know, he said, “Me so wanna direct a movie.”

Anthony: Me so wanna direct a movie.

Colin Jost: That is not accurate.

Anthony: You know, it’s a big time right now in the pop culture.

Colin Jost: Okay.

[Cut to Anthony and Angelo]

Anthony:  You hear about this thing though?

Angelo: Yea, yea, yea. Yep.

Anthony: Yea, Charlie Sheen.

Angelo: The Charlie Sheen. He’s got the HBO.

Anthony: He’s got the HBO.

Angelo: He’s got the HBO. He’s not gonna watch Showtime.

Anthony: No more Showtime.

Angelo: No more.

Anthony: He has just canceled it, man! You know, and you know who is breaking every music record right now?

Colin Jost: Who’s that?

Anthony: It’s the Del Dude. Yeah.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Anthony and Angelo]

Colin Jost: No. It’s Adele.

Angelo: Colin, you gotta get a Del.

Anthony: You gotta get one Colin.

Angelo: Get a Del.

Anthony: Get a Del, Colin. Please! Please! You know, and the biggest news, the new song right now?

Angelo: Oh, the biggest song right now, it’s about Bill Cosby. Yes.

Anthony: Yeah, Bill Cosby.

Colin Jost: There’s a song about Bill Cosby?

Angelo: Hey got a song about Bill Cosby. It’s called “Jello, it’s me.”

Colin Jost: Alright, you both need to go!

Anthony and Angelo: Um…… pretty sure we don’t, Colin.

Colin Jost: You do. Leave.

Anthony and Angelo: Um…… pretty sure…

Colin Jost: Go!

Anthony and Angelo: Um…… [someone brings in a hot whistling kettles.] pretty sure.

Colin Jost: Anthony Crispino and Angelo everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.