Weekend Update: Christmas Joke Swap 2019

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his neews set. There’s a picture of a live performance on left top corner]

Colin Jost: The singer, Jason Derulo, who plays Rum Tum Tugger in the movie Cats said the film makers digitally edited out his bulge. Even stranger, they edited it on to Judy Dench.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of The Star Wars logo at right top corner]

Michael Che: The new Star Wars surprised fans by featuring the the gay kiss, which seems pretty tame considering the first movie had incest.

[Cut to Colin Jost There’s a picture of JetBlue airplane on left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man in California was kicked off a jet blue flight after bringing his pet possum on to the plane. [picture changes to Spirit airlines] While at spirit airlines, that’s what falls down when you need an oxygen mask.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of The Star Merriam-Webster page at right top corner]

Michael Che: Merriam-Webster announced the gender neutral pronounce they is the word of the year. As in ‘they’ don’t want me to make a joke about this.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: Tonight is our Christmas show. We have a tradition where Che and I like to give each other jokes to read.

Michael Che: Yeah. We’re making each other read the jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before.

Colin Jost: And the idea this year is to make it fun and not try on ruin anyone’s career or get them stabbed on the subway or back stage at the Eddie Murphy show.

Michael Che: We’ll see what happens. You go first.

Colin Jost: Oh, thank you.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Pete Buttigieg at left top corner.]

Recent polls showed that Pete Buttigieg has only 4% support among African-Americans but that will I can change once Pete announces his running mate, the Popeye’s chicken sandwich.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Andrew and Jefrey Epstein at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Wow! A new interview with England’s prince Andrew is being called a total disaster after he said his friend Jeffrey Epstein conducted himself in a manner unbecoming. I don’t know. What I’ve read, it sounded like he be coming all the time. Well. That was terrible.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Babe Ruth swinging the baseball bat at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The bat used by Babe Ruth to hit his 500th home run was auctioned off this week. Also I’ll be auctioning off the bat I used to keep m neighborhood white.

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Researchers are testing a new method to treat cancer by inject the cells with the herpes virus. So good news if you’ve ever had sex with me, you might have been cured for cancer. Oh, man!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of a butterfly at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Okay. it says time-out. I refuse to read this last joke. Not because it’s racist but because there is a black man holding my cue card. [Michael Che laughing] I confess, I can’t work like this. Merry Christmas home boy. You’re fired.

Michael Che: You fired man on Christmas, Colin!

[Colin Jost laughing]