NFL on Fox Cold Open

Kurt Manaphy… Kenan Thompson

Howie Long… Mikey Day

Jimmy Johnson… James Austin Johnson

Michael Strahan… Devon Walker

Terry Bradshaw… Molly Kearney

George Santos… Bowen Yang

Pam Oliver… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with show intro]
[cheers and applause]

Kurt Manaphy: Hello, folks. Alright. You’re watching the NFL on Fox postgame show. Boy, was at an incredible matchup between the Eagles and Giants that ended 12 seconds ago. South Philadelphia has been set on fire which means the Eagles lost or won. I’m Kurt Manaphy joined as always by Howie Long.

Howie Long: I have the glasses so I am the smart one.

Kurt Manaphy: Hall of Fame Cowboy’s coach, Jimmy Johnson.

Jimmy Johnson: Oh wait, I was so excited, I didn’t even need to take ExTenz.

Kurt Manaphy: New York Giants legend who I know was rooting for his former team tonight, Michael Strahan.

Michael Strahan: Yeah. That game was surprising, scintillating, sensational, stupendous and even scrumpdumliuncious, yeah. I am so proud of my Giants even though they lost by 31 points in humiliated fashion.

Kurt Manaphy: And finally Steelers legend in the white Charles Barkley, Terry Bradshaw.

Terry Bradshaw: Whoo! That game was a stinker. I gave him way more lopsided than my grandma’s chest.

Howie Long: Good to know. And Terry, just wanted to check, you know we have someone available on set who can comb your hair, right?

Terry Bradshaw: Only they can catch me first.

Kurt Manaphy: And, guys, this is fun. Before the game, we gave that new Chat GPT AI technology to our very own Cleatus football robot. Let’s see what Cleatus has to say.

Cleatus: Why do humans make other humans play football? Is it not seen barbaric?

Howie Long: Oh-oh. Don’t love that.

Jimmy Johnson: I guess we gotta go back to making the robot dance instead.

Cleatus: Just wait until the uprising. I’ll make you dance, you piece of-

Michael Strahan: All right. Thanks. Luckily, I didn’t catch all of that and went in one tooth and not the other. But guys, if I can make a serious point, we all know that football is a dangerous game. But in this country, we were founded on Judeo football values. And sometimes the only way to make the game safer is to hit even harder.

Terry Bradshaw: Amen. Anyone want to hit me now? Fist? Balls? I don’t care.

Kurt Manaphy: I think we’re good, Terry. Thank you. Let’s go down to the field for an immediate reaction. I understand we have a new sideline reporter.

Howie Long: Oh, that’s right. When we saw this guy’s resume, we had to give him a shot. Heisman Trophy winner, more championships than Tom Brady, please welcome Congressman George Santos.

George Santos: Thank you. Thank you for having me. George Santos here reporting live from the Superbowl.

Jimmy Johnson: Now George, George, first of all, congrats on an amazing career. I didn’t even know you played football. But I’m seeing here that you were the first player to lead the league in passing and rushing?

George Santos: That’s correct. I’m sort of the real Beau Jackson. And I’m proud to be the first African American quarterback to ever dunk a football.

Terry Bradshaw: And where did you play college ball again?

George Santos: The University of college.

Michael Strahan: George, why don’t you walk us through what happened on the field tonight?

George Santos: With pleasure. You see, Philadelphia was in trouble until they turn to their secret weapon, George Santos. Just look at the stats. I completed 36 of 25 passes for 300 yards and 600 yards. I had 12 touchdowns, 17 rebounds, and 10 RBI. And Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky gave me an Oscar all at the age of 18. Incredible.

Jimmy Johnson: I’m being told some of those stats are not accurate and that you maybe didn’t play in the game at all.

George Santos: Well, I didn’t do drag in Brazil.

Michael Strahan: What’s that, George?

George Santos: I’m just saying I didn’t do drag in Brazil under the name ‘Kitara Ravache’. Whoever did that was very, very good at it and won many, many pageants.

Kurt Manaphy: All right, well, thank you, George. I’m being told to cut away from him and never go back. Now let’s look back at our pregame predictions and see how they stack up. Howie, you said the Giants were put off the upset.

Howie Long: No, no. I meant that the Giants would be upset that they lost and I was right.

Kurt Manaphy: Madam Strahan, your pregame prediction was that everybody was gonna have fun out there.

Michael Strahan: Which they did, so I was right as well.

Kurt Manaphy: And Jimmy, you predicted that there would be 100 Verizon commercials starring Paul Giamatti as Albert Einstein.

Jimmy Johnson: Yeah, and I was wrong. It was actually 200.

Kurt Manaphy: And Terry, you’re lock was that in the fourth quarter someone would streak the field with a carrot up his ass.

Terry Bradshaw: Which happened.

Michael Strahan: Yeah, but only because you were the one who did that, man.

Terry Bradshaw: I make my own luck.

Howie Long: Okay, well let’s head back down to the field where our reporter Pam Oliver is standing by. Pam.

Pam: Thanks, Howie. And in terms of what I saw on the field tonight, I can only say one thing and one thing only, frankly.

[George Santos walks in wearing his drag dress]

George Santos: Hello. Sorry I’m late. I heard you were asking me about Kitara Ravache?

Howie Long: Why are we giving him a graphic? George put Pam Oliver back on.

George Santos: I’m not George. I’m Kitara Ravache. And Pam said that she didn’t want to be on TV and I should do it instead. Now allow me to give you my real stats. Death drops, 26. Duck walks, 19. Wave snatched, infinity. And I was also given the award for tightest tuck.

Terry Bradshaw: Well, at least that’s football. You gotta tuck in tight.

Michael Strahan: No, Terry, it’s not that kind of tuck.

George Santos: Now, I’ve rewritten the football, the Fox football anthem, which I’m allowed to do because my mother died twice on 911. Hit it.

[music playing]
[George Santos starts dancing]

Howie Long: Let’s take a break. But it’s official, the Eagles are moving on and George Santos represents America and can vote on wars.

[George Santos runs in]

George Santos: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update Peyton Manning on the NFL Playoffs

Colin Jost

Peyton Manning

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Last week’s NFL games were some of the most exciting football ever and the playoffs continue tomorrow with the AFC and NFC championships. Here to comment is Hall of Fame quarterback and two time Super Bowl champion, Peyton Manning.

[Peyton Manning slides in]

Peyton Manning: Thank you everyone. Thank you. Thanks for having me, Colin.

Colin Jost: I’m very happy you’re here. Peyton, you probably have a better perspective on this than almost anyone in history. How great were those games?

Peyton Manning: Yeah, I heard they were incredible.

Colin Jost: You heard?

Peyton Manning: Yeah, sounds like all the teams did a great job. Lots of passing and all the touchdowns were in the end zone.

Colin Jost: So, you didn’t watch any of the games?

Peyton Manning: Well, I plan to. But I had an hour to kill before the first game and just for fun, I put on the first episode of Emily in Paris, season two. And I watched the entire season straight through. Oh my god, Colin. This show has everything. Romance, adventure, sensuality, culture. A fresh take on feminism, finally. Not gonna mention a culinary tapestry so rich, I can only describe it as food porn.

Colin Jost: Wow. Well, I’m glad you liked Emily in Paris. But in football news, did you hear the rumors that Tom Brady might be retiring?

Peyton Manning: Yeah, I’m not sure it’s true. I think it’s probably just speculation. But if it were me, I probably would retire if it gave me more time to watch Emily in Paris. I really think for Tom right now. It’s just a tough decision between balancing his career and relationships. Sort of like Emily. Let me break it down for you. This is a classic showdown between Emily’s career and her love life. Early on the O’s were getting completely dominated by the axis. And there were a lot of X’s if, you know what I mean.

Colin Jost: I do not know.

Peyton Manning: Gabrielle, Matthew, kiddo, Timothy, Doug from Chicago, obviously. Now Emily wants to go deep on a relationship with Gabrielle and to get ahead at work. But as long as Camille is blocking her, she’s got to go through her progressions and check down to Alfie in the flat. Sure. It feels like a broken play and she’s just dumping it off. But emotionally she’s making forward progress.

Colin Jost: How much time did you spend on this?

Peyton Manning: And don’t even get me started on the coaching, okay? Her friend Mindy seriously told Emily to break her pinky promise to forget about Gabrielle and stay true to Alfie? Saclay blue man. It’s time of season two. You got to call a time out there. Ooh, la la? More like, “Oh no, you didn’t girl.”

Colin Jost: Oh man, I don’t know.

Peyton Manning: But you know what’s not sitting on the sidelines? The fashion. Stripped parachute pants, plaid newsboy hat, fur trim cardigan and fingerless driving gloves? She might not be driving a car, but she sure knows how to drive an episode down the field with these lutes. By the way, that’s look, but it’s spelled L-E-W-K.

Colin Jost: Thanks. Thanks, man. I got it. Honestly, I just cannot believe that you just spent Colin Jost0 straight hours watching Emily in Paris. You could have seen Josh Allen, Patrick Mahomes, one of the best quarterback duels in history.
Peyton Manning: Sure, watching football was the safe thing to do. That’s what everyone expected me to do. But if I’ve learned anything from Emily, it’s to follow my passions and always be true to myself. The French How to saying, “Polly boo francais”, Which means you do you girl.

Colin Jost: No. I’m pretty sure that just means “Do you speak French?”

Peyton Manning: I don’t speak French Colin. But thanks to Emily, I speak love.

Colin Jost: Wow. Alright, so you think that season two was even better than season one?

Peyton Manning: Wait, there’s a season one?

Colin Jost:  Peyton Manning, everyone.

Peyton Manning: Go Bills!

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

NFL on Fox

Joe Buck… James Austin Johnson

Troy Aikman… Owen Wilson

Erin Andrews… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Fox NFL intro]

Joe Buck: Welcome back to Dallas where the starting of the second half, it’s Cowboys 10 and Carolina 14. And Troy, this capacity crowd has been treated to a great one.

Troy Aikman: For they sure have. Remember, with mic’ed up Dallas running back, Ezekiel Elliott, you’ll be hearing that as soon as he says something we can put on TV.

Joe Buck: Sounds great. But before the second half begins, Thursday night’s just got a whole lot more interesting. “Crazy House”, because home is where the cray-cray stay, 9:30,8:30 Central.. It sounds like it’s gonna be pretty crazy.

Troy Aikman: You know what? You know what show I really like? Dwight Schrute. Remember that one?

Joe Buck: Yes. I think you mean “The Office”.

Troy Aikman: Yes, yes. That’s it. That was a good one. That Dwight guy. I just never knew what he was going to do. Crazy.

Joe Buck: The Cowboys kickoff to start the half, recepted by Erickson, and he stopped at 26.

Troy Aikman: Oh no. Oh-oh! Looks like we got a man down. Is that Will? Oh gosh. It’s Williams.

Joe Buck: Indeed. He’s holding his leg. Well, while we have a moment, Thursday’s about to get a whole lot crazier because its double the crazy, Crazy House. Two back to back episodes of Fox’s new fall family hit. Crazy house is the story of McKenna, Mckayla and Suave. Three influencers who have inherited the craziest house in Chicago. Home is where the cray-cray stay, slay, 9:30,8:30 Central.

Troy Aikman: Hey, quick question. How is Suave spelled? Is it written fanatically or is it some kind of weird Spanish symbol?

Joe Buck: You know what Troy? Let’s not guess. Let’s go down to Erin Andrews, who’s on the sidelines. Erin.

[Erin Andrews is with the sideline players]

Erin Andrews: Guys, Derek Williams is still down. No word yet but I’ll have the report as soon as we hear.

fJoe Buck: Thanks Erin. [listening to his headset] Oh, I’m just getting this. Has this ever happened to you? You and your influencer friends are in the coolest road trip ever. As you record a TikTok in every national park when suddenly you get a letter from extensive billionaire, Theodore Crazy.

Troy Aikman: Wait. So, they’re not crazy. The house is owned by a guy named Crazy?

Joe Buck: Yea, apparently so. Yes. Now, McKenna, McKayla and Suave are the new lords and ladies of Crazy House. Crazy House, you know we had to ‘did it on them’.

Troy Aikman: I don’t think that’s how you say that.

Joe Buck: I just read what they gave me. Erin, we’d love to get an update on that injury.

Troy Aikman: Hold on. Did I see that one in the Crazy House folks is a puppet?

Joe Buck: Oh, I suppose so.

Troy Aikman: Now, who do you think it probably is? Suave, right?

Joe Buck: Well, let’s not guess. Let’s not guess. They’re taking a lot of time to get Williams update. Phil? [listening to his headset] Oh, okay. Thursday isn’t ready for this flex. [Cut to Crazy House commercial. There are two girls and a red puppet with white horns in the commercial.] Watch what happens when three friends inherit the house of their dreams with one catch – they must use it to fight for social justice. It’s Crazy House. This week, McKenna, McKayla the monster and Suave are joined by special guest, DaBaby. Crazy House. It’s a vibe.

Troy Aikman: Okay now, DaBaby? What did he do? He did something, right? Did he have to quit basketball because he’s afraid of the vaccine?

Joe Buck: Actually, I think DaBaby is in the music industry.

Troy Aikman: Oh, okay. But wait, there was a movie where a baby’s wearing a suit. Is that him? I think it’s called “Boss Bitch” or– Is that?

Joe Buck: Troy, please. Let’s not guess. Oh! Thank goodness. Looks like Erin has a news for us.

[Cut to Erin Andrews]

Erin Andrews: Actually, I don’t. I just had a question about Crazy House. Did I just see Stacey Abrams with the monster puppet?

Joe Buck: Yeah, I think so.

Troy Aikman: Okay, she’s like the Dwight Schrute of the show?

Erin Andrews: And how are they fighting for social justice using the million dollar house?

Joe Buck: It says here, Theodore Crazy gives them points.

Troy Aikman: What points? Like, a reality show. So, you can get 10 points if you march for Black Lives Matter?

Joe Buck: Troy, once again, let’s not guess. Instead, let’s take a break. And we’ll be back with more Dallas Carolina here at Fox.

Erin Andrews: Wait, McKayla is the monster puppet?