Kurt Manaphy… Kenan Thompson
Howie Long… Mikey Day
Jimmy Johnson… James Austin Johnson
Michael Strahan… Devon Walker
Terry Bradshaw… Molly Kearney
George Santos… Bowen Yang
Pam Oliver… Ego Nwodim
Kurt Manaphy: Hello, folks. Alright. You’re watching the NFL on Fox postgame show. Boy, was at an incredible matchup between the Eagles and Giants that ended 12 seconds ago. South Philadelphia has been set on fire which means the Eagles lost or won. I’m Kurt Manaphy joined as always by Howie Long.
Howie Long: I have the glasses so I am the smart one.
Kurt Manaphy: Hall of Fame Cowboy’s coach, Jimmy Johnson.
Jimmy Johnson: Oh wait, I was so excited, I didn’t even need to take ExTenz.
Kurt Manaphy: New York Giants legend who I know was rooting for his former team tonight, Michael Strahan.
Michael Strahan: Yeah. That game was surprising, scintillating, sensational, stupendous and even scrumpdumliuncious, yeah. I am so proud of my Giants even though they lost by 31 points in humiliated fashion.
Kurt Manaphy: And finally Steelers legend in the white Charles Barkley, Terry Bradshaw.
Terry Bradshaw: Whoo! That game was a stinker. I gave him way more lopsided than my grandma’s chest.
Howie Long: Good to know. And Terry, just wanted to check, you know we have someone available on set who can comb your hair, right?
Terry Bradshaw: Only they can catch me first.
Kurt Manaphy: And, guys, this is fun. Before the game, we gave that new Chat GPT AI technology to our very own Cleatus football robot. Let’s see what Cleatus has to say.
Cleatus: Why do humans make other humans play football? Is it not seen barbaric?
Howie Long: Oh-oh. Don’t love that.
Jimmy Johnson: I guess we gotta go back to making the robot dance instead.
Cleatus: Just wait until the uprising. I’ll make you dance, you piece of-
Michael Strahan: All right. Thanks. Luckily, I didn’t catch all of that and went in one tooth and not the other. But guys, if I can make a serious point, we all know that football is a dangerous game. But in this country, we were founded on Judeo football values. And sometimes the only way to make the game safer is to hit even harder.
Terry Bradshaw: Amen. Anyone want to hit me now? Fist? Balls? I don’t care.
Kurt Manaphy: I think we’re good, Terry. Thank you. Let’s go down to the field for an immediate reaction. I understand we have a new sideline reporter.
Howie Long: Oh, that’s right. When we saw this guy’s resume, we had to give him a shot. Heisman Trophy winner, more championships than Tom Brady, please welcome Congressman George Santos.
George Santos: Thank you. Thank you for having me. George Santos here reporting live from the Superbowl.
Jimmy Johnson: Now George, George, first of all, congrats on an amazing career. I didn’t even know you played football. But I’m seeing here that you were the first player to lead the league in passing and rushing?
George Santos: That’s correct. I’m sort of the real Beau Jackson. And I’m proud to be the first African American quarterback to ever dunk a football.
Terry Bradshaw: And where did you play college ball again?
George Santos: The University of college.
Michael Strahan: George, why don’t you walk us through what happened on the field tonight?
George Santos: With pleasure. You see, Philadelphia was in trouble until they turn to their secret weapon, George Santos. Just look at the stats. I completed 36 of 25 passes for 300 yards and 600 yards. I had 12 touchdowns, 17 rebounds, and 10 RBI. And Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky gave me an Oscar all at the age of 18. Incredible.
Jimmy Johnson: I’m being told some of those stats are not accurate and that you maybe didn’t play in the game at all.
George Santos: Well, I didn’t do drag in Brazil.
Michael Strahan: What’s that, George?
George Santos: I’m just saying I didn’t do drag in Brazil under the name ‘Kitara Ravache’. Whoever did that was very, very good at it and won many, many pageants.
Kurt Manaphy: All right, well, thank you, George. I’m being told to cut away from him and never go back. Now let’s look back at our pregame predictions and see how they stack up. Howie, you said the Giants were put off the upset.
Howie Long: No, no. I meant that the Giants would be upset that they lost and I was right.
Kurt Manaphy: Madam Strahan, your pregame prediction was that everybody was gonna have fun out there.
Michael Strahan: Which they did, so I was right as well.
Kurt Manaphy: And Jimmy, you predicted that there would be 100 Verizon commercials starring Paul Giamatti as Albert Einstein.
Jimmy Johnson: Yeah, and I was wrong. It was actually 200.
Kurt Manaphy: And Terry, you’re lock was that in the fourth quarter someone would streak the field with a carrot up his ass.
Terry Bradshaw: Which happened.
Michael Strahan: Yeah, but only because you were the one who did that, man.
Terry Bradshaw: I make my own luck.
Howie Long: Okay, well let’s head back down to the field where our reporter Pam Oliver is standing by. Pam.
Pam: Thanks, Howie. And in terms of what I saw on the field tonight, I can only say one thing and one thing only, frankly.
George Santos: Hello. Sorry I’m late. I heard you were asking me about Kitara Ravache?
Howie Long: Why are we giving him a graphic? George put Pam Oliver back on.
George Santos: I’m not George. I’m Kitara Ravache. And Pam said that she didn’t want to be on TV and I should do it instead. Now allow me to give you my real stats. Death drops, 26. Duck walks, 19. Wave snatched, infinity. And I was also given the award for tightest tuck.
Terry Bradshaw: Well, at least that’s football. You gotta tuck in tight.
Michael Strahan: No, Terry, it’s not that kind of tuck.
George Santos: Now, I’ve rewritten the football, the Fox football anthem, which I’m allowed to do because my mother died twice on 911. Hit it.
Howie Long: Let’s take a break. But it’s official, the Eagles are moving on and George Santos represents America and can vote on wars.
George Santos: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.