Weekend Update Peyton Manning on the NFL Playoffs

Colin Jost

Peyton Manning

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Last week’s NFL games were some of the most exciting football ever and the playoffs continue tomorrow with the AFC and NFC championships. Here to comment is Hall of Fame quarterback and two time Super Bowl champion, Peyton Manning.

[Peyton Manning slides in]

Peyton Manning: Thank you everyone. Thank you. Thanks for having me, Colin.

Colin Jost: I’m very happy you’re here. Peyton, you probably have a better perspective on this than almost anyone in history. How great were those games?

Peyton Manning: Yeah, I heard they were incredible.

Colin Jost: You heard?

Peyton Manning: Yeah, sounds like all the teams did a great job. Lots of passing and all the touchdowns were in the end zone.

Colin Jost: So, you didn’t watch any of the games?

Peyton Manning: Well, I plan to. But I had an hour to kill before the first game and just for fun, I put on the first episode of Emily in Paris, season two. And I watched the entire season straight through. Oh my god, Colin. This show has everything. Romance, adventure, sensuality, culture. A fresh take on feminism, finally. Not gonna mention a culinary tapestry so rich, I can only describe it as food porn.

Colin Jost: Wow. Well, I’m glad you liked Emily in Paris. But in football news, did you hear the rumors that Tom Brady might be retiring?

Peyton Manning: Yeah, I’m not sure it’s true. I think it’s probably just speculation. But if it were me, I probably would retire if it gave me more time to watch Emily in Paris. I really think for Tom right now. It’s just a tough decision between balancing his career and relationships. Sort of like Emily. Let me break it down for you. This is a classic showdown between Emily’s career and her love life. Early on the O’s were getting completely dominated by the axis. And there were a lot of X’s if, you know what I mean.

Colin Jost: I do not know.

Peyton Manning: Gabrielle, Matthew, kiddo, Timothy, Doug from Chicago, obviously. Now Emily wants to go deep on a relationship with Gabrielle and to get ahead at work. But as long as Camille is blocking her, she’s got to go through her progressions and check down to Alfie in the flat. Sure. It feels like a broken play and she’s just dumping it off. But emotionally she’s making forward progress.

Colin Jost: How much time did you spend on this?

Peyton Manning: And don’t even get me started on the coaching, okay? Her friend Mindy seriously told Emily to break her pinky promise to forget about Gabrielle and stay true to Alfie? Saclay blue man. It’s time of season two. You got to call a time out there. Ooh, la la? More like, “Oh no, you didn’t girl.”

Colin Jost: Oh man, I don’t know.

Peyton Manning: But you know what’s not sitting on the sidelines? The fashion. Stripped parachute pants, plaid newsboy hat, fur trim cardigan and fingerless driving gloves? She might not be driving a car, but she sure knows how to drive an episode down the field with these lutes. By the way, that’s look, but it’s spelled L-E-W-K.

Colin Jost: Thanks. Thanks, man. I got it. Honestly, I just cannot believe that you just spent Colin Jost0 straight hours watching Emily in Paris. You could have seen Josh Allen, Patrick Mahomes, one of the best quarterback duels in history.
Peyton Manning: Sure, watching football was the safe thing to do. That’s what everyone expected me to do. But if I’ve learned anything from Emily, it’s to follow my passions and always be true to myself. The French How to saying, “Polly boo francais”, Which means you do you girl.

Colin Jost: No. I’m pretty sure that just means “Do you speak French?”

Peyton Manning: I don’t speak French Colin. But thanks to Emily, I speak love.

Colin Jost: Wow. Alright, so you think that season two was even better than season one?

Peyton Manning: Wait, there’s a season one?

Colin Jost:  Peyton Manning, everyone.

Peyton Manning: Go Bills!

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

NFL on Fox

Joe Buck… James Austin Johnson

Troy Aikman… Owen Wilson

Erin Andrews… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Fox NFL intro]

Joe Buck: Welcome back to Dallas where the starting of the second half, it’s Cowboys 10 and Carolina 14. And Troy, this capacity crowd has been treated to a great one.

Troy Aikman: For they sure have. Remember, with mic’ed up Dallas running back, Ezekiel Elliott, you’ll be hearing that as soon as he says something we can put on TV.

Joe Buck: Sounds great. But before the second half begins, Thursday night’s just got a whole lot more interesting. “Crazy House”, because home is where the cray-cray stay, 9:30,8:30 Central.. It sounds like it’s gonna be pretty crazy.

Troy Aikman: You know what? You know what show I really like? Dwight Schrute. Remember that one?

Joe Buck: Yes. I think you mean “The Office”.

Troy Aikman: Yes, yes. That’s it. That was a good one. That Dwight guy. I just never knew what he was going to do. Crazy.

Joe Buck: The Cowboys kickoff to start the half, recepted by Erickson, and he stopped at 26.

Troy Aikman: Oh no. Oh-oh! Looks like we got a man down. Is that Will? Oh gosh. It’s Williams.

Joe Buck: Indeed. He’s holding his leg. Well, while we have a moment, Thursday’s about to get a whole lot crazier because its double the crazy, Crazy House. Two back to back episodes of Fox’s new fall family hit. Crazy house is the story of McKenna, Mckayla and Suave. Three influencers who have inherited the craziest house in Chicago. Home is where the cray-cray stay, slay, 9:30,8:30 Central.

Troy Aikman: Hey, quick question. How is Suave spelled? Is it written fanatically or is it some kind of weird Spanish symbol?

Joe Buck: You know what Troy? Let’s not guess. Let’s go down to Erin Andrews, who’s on the sidelines. Erin.

[Erin Andrews is with the sideline players]

Erin Andrews: Guys, Derek Williams is still down. No word yet but I’ll have the report as soon as we hear.

fJoe Buck: Thanks Erin. [listening to his headset] Oh, I’m just getting this. Has this ever happened to you? You and your influencer friends are in the coolest road trip ever. As you record a TikTok in every national park when suddenly you get a letter from extensive billionaire, Theodore Crazy.

Troy Aikman: Wait. So, they’re not crazy. The house is owned by a guy named Crazy?

Joe Buck: Yea, apparently so. Yes. Now, McKenna, McKayla and Suave are the new lords and ladies of Crazy House. Crazy House, you know we had to ‘did it on them’.

Troy Aikman: I don’t think that’s how you say that.

Joe Buck: I just read what they gave me. Erin, we’d love to get an update on that injury.

Troy Aikman: Hold on. Did I see that one in the Crazy House folks is a puppet?

Joe Buck: Oh, I suppose so.

Troy Aikman: Now, who do you think it probably is? Suave, right?

Joe Buck: Well, let’s not guess. Let’s not guess. They’re taking a lot of time to get Williams update. Phil? [listening to his headset] Oh, okay. Thursday isn’t ready for this flex. [Cut to Crazy House commercial. There are two girls and a red puppet with white horns in the commercial.] Watch what happens when three friends inherit the house of their dreams with one catch – they must use it to fight for social justice. It’s Crazy House. This week, McKenna, McKayla the monster and Suave are joined by special guest, DaBaby. Crazy House. It’s a vibe.

Troy Aikman: Okay now, DaBaby? What did he do? He did something, right? Did he have to quit basketball because he’s afraid of the vaccine?

Joe Buck: Actually, I think DaBaby is in the music industry.

Troy Aikman: Oh, okay. But wait, there was a movie where a baby’s wearing a suit. Is that him? I think it’s called “Boss Bitch” or– Is that?

Joe Buck: Troy, please. Let’s not guess. Oh! Thank goodness. Looks like Erin has a news for us.

[Cut to Erin Andrews]

Erin Andrews: Actually, I don’t. I just had a question about Crazy House. Did I just see Stacey Abrams with the monster puppet?

Joe Buck: Yeah, I think so.

Troy Aikman: Okay, she’s like the Dwight Schrute of the show?

Erin Andrews: And how are they fighting for social justice using the million dollar house?

Joe Buck: It says here, Theodore Crazy gives them points.

Troy Aikman: What points? Like, a reality show. So, you can get 10 points if you march for Black Lives Matter?

Joe Buck: Troy, once again, let’s not guess. Instead, let’s take a break. And we’ll be back with more Dallas Carolina here at Fox.

Erin Andrews: Wait, McKayla is the monster puppet?