Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson
Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day
Kimberly Guilfoyle… Cecily Strong
[Starts with a video message]
Male voice: And now, just in time for the holidays, a very special Christmas announcement from the one person who can truly remind us what this season is all about.
[Cut to a picture of Donald Trump as a super hero with laser beam coming out of his eyes]
[Cut to Donald Trump at his house]
[cheers and applause]
Donald Trump: Hello, this is Donald Trump. Hopefully your favorite president of all time, better than Lincoln, better than Washington, frankly better than Ezra. You may have seen this week I made a major announcement. I’m doing my first official collection of Donald J. Trump digital trading cards. If you want use the technical term, nifties. [It’s written “NFT’s” on the screen] We call them nifties is because it’s so neat. They feature incredible artwork pertaining to my life and my career. For example, when I was an astronaut, or me riding a big elephant. Trump cards are each $99. Seems like a lot, seems like a scam. And in many ways it is. But we love the drop cards. We just love them.
You can also get them for free by just going online and looking at them. Maybe. I don’t know. Maybe taking a screenshot. But we’d really prefer it if you sent that $99. You’ll get me as a cowboy. Or me melting Biden’s ice cream with my big laser eyes. It sure sounds a lot like Pokemon, but trust me, it’s not Pokemon. I mean absolutely no disrespect to my very good friends Richu, Marill, Nidoran male and Nidoran female. Now I know what you’re wondering – Can they fight? The answer is yes. Who will win between Trump crossing the Delaware and Trump being matrix.
And the best part is each card comes with an automatic chance to win an exclusive mystery prize where you get to pick anything out of this nice box.
[Donald Trump shows a box where there are confidential documents]
Now remember, when you buy a card you don’t get to pick which one you’ll get. It might be me on the cover of a romance novel. Or me doing splits. Me doing Titanic. Or even me as Jessica Rabbit. Wow. Look at the legs on her. Perhaps I would be dating her if she weren’t me. Now, to help me say more, here’s my third least embarrassing child.
[Donald Trump Jr. walks in]
Donald Trump Jr.: Ha-ha-ha. Very funny dad. And so good to be here for the launch of this amazing, totally legit product. These cards are fantastic. And a steal. And I know what you’re thinking, “$99? You can get two grams for that.” While I’m here I also wanted to share I’m selling a new Christmas CD from my fiance, Kimberly Guilfoyle. Hey babe, get that fine little butt out here.
[Kimberly Guilfoyle walks in]
[cheers and applause]
Whooo. Look at that. Whoa!
Kimberly Guilfoyle: Thank you. And I know you’re gonna love this Christmas album that I’m calling ‘Now that’s what no one calls music’. I guarantee you’ll [yelling] sleep in heavenly peace.
Donald Trump: Beautiful. Thank you.
[Donald Trump Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle walk out]
There they go. What a terrible couple. So get your Trump digital trading cards today. They should be at the top of everyone’s Christmas list, really. You know what? Can we pull up my Christmas list? Let’s do it rundown style. Merry Christmas. Okay, we’re all saying Merry Christmas again. Right? I brought that back because Christmas is very important to Christians and to Jewish I think also. Your hearing Merry Christmas a lot more lately just like in Christmas Carol. I was visited last night by three ghosts last night including, I think… You know what? Actually you know what? It was four if you include Epstein, but it’s Christmas all over. With tree and toy and Santa. We love Santa though. We folks, we love Santa. But not Ron DeSanta. We don’t like this Santa so much. I mean that guy looks like a Roblox. And he’s not even much of a Santa, is he? He’s more of a Grinch. And Grinch was very bad when he stole Christmas. But I got it back. I brokered a historic deal with Grinch and Netanyahu. Man, we decided that no Christmas would ever be stolen again. Like how the whites tried to steal the Unobtanium in Avatar but the Navi fought back. They fought back so good. And now you look at Sam Worthington. He’s a great father. Now he’s got four blue kids now. You know, I’ve got four kids too. Five of you include Tiffany. But he’s a great NaVi dad. So in conclusion, Feliz Navidad. Merry Christmas and live from New York, it’s Saturday night.