Beard Hunk

Nick… Beck Bennett

Raquel… Cecily Strong

Vanessa Bayer

Ashley… Felicity Jones

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Beard Hunk intro]

Male voice: One hunk with a sculpted beard. 25 beautiful adjacent ladies. Who will he choose to be his bride? It all happens tonight on ‘Beard Hunk.’

[Cut to Nick’s intro video]

Nick: Hi, I’m Nick, and this season there’s gonna be a lot of drama. a lot of excitement and as always, minimal Asians. I can’t wait.

[Cut to Nick and Raquel sitting on a park bench]

Raquel: Mmm, I like this.

Nick: So, tell me about yourself.

Raquel: Well, my name is Raquel. I’m 24 but my face is 36. And I’m the worst girl in any room I’m in.

Nick: I like that.

Raquel: Also, i’m a business owner.

Nick: What kind of business?

Raquel: Okay, I’m not.

[Vanessa walks in]

Vanessa: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

[Raquel walks out and Vanessa sits beside Nick]

Mmm, I like this.

Nick: So, tell me about yourself.

Vanessa: Well, my name is whatever. Also, all of the girls here, I have the most abrupt ombre. And I’m looking for a husband even though I’m not old enough to vote.

Nick: How old are you?

Vanessa: 26.

Nick: That is old enough to vote.

Vanessa: Oh well.

[Ashley walks in]

Ashley: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

[Vanessa walks out and Ashley sits beside Nick]

Mmm, I like this.

Nick: So, tell me about yourself.

Ashley: My name is Ally and I was born in Ashley. Sorry, my name is Ashley and I was born in an alley.

Nick: I like that.

Ashley: Also I have a twin sister and this is really hard to tell you, but she’s sick… of the way I treat her.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

[Ashley walks out and Kate sits beside Nick]

Mmm, I like this. I’ve been waiting to talk to you all night. Cuz it’s 5:30 in the morning.

Nick: So, when was your last relationship?

Kate: Um, well, I was married last year.

Nick: Oh, really?

Kate: Yes. To you.

Nick: Oh, right. Hi.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Kate walks out. Aidy sits beside Nick.]

Mmm, I like this.

Nick: So, tell me about yourself.

Aidy: Well, I am a veterinarian. So, I love animals. But I’m also a very sexual person, so I’d love to jack you off whenever you want.

Nick: I’d like that.

Aidy: And here’s another little secret about me. I don’t have a gag reflex.

Nick: That’s hot.

Aidy: Yeah. But I do have four very sharp teeth.

[Ashley walks in]

Ashley: Can I steal him for a sec?

[Aidy walks out. Ashley sits beside Nick]

I’m so lucky to be here. In fact, I’m lucky to be alive at all. I was born eight months early. I was in an incubator for five years. The doctors spent millions of dollars to keep me alive and I survived.

Nick: Wow. What do you do now?

Ashley: I promote ice tea on Instagram.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Sorry, Can I steal him for a sec?

[Ashley walks out. Aidy sits beside Nick]

Nick, I want to tell you something. I have a daughter. She’s 3 and she’s my best friend in the world.

Nick: Where is she right now?

Aidy: Um, I think like the neighbor’s or something. But she’s always with me because I have this drawing of us. [showing a kid’s drawing]

Nick: Aw, she’s a good artist.

Aidy: Oh, no, I did this.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?

[Aidy walks out. Kate sits beside Nick.]

Hi, I missed you.

Nick: Thanks. So, tell me about yourself.

Kate: Well, I’m a judge… mental bitch. And for my job, I work at Hooter’s.

Nick: Wow. That’s hot.

Kate: Yeah, it’s so hot coz I work in the kitchen.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Can I steal him for a sec?

[Kate walks out. Aidy sits beside Nick.]

Mmm, it feels so safe right now.

Nick: So, tell me more about yourself.

Aidy: Well, my favorite animal is a frog. Because I love the water and my eye color is green. And I do pee and poop out of the same hole.

[Ashley walks in]

Ashley: Can I steal him for a sec?

[Aidy walks out. Ashley sits beside Nick.

Nick, I’ve been lying to you and I need to come clean. I have five STDs.

Nick: That’s okay. I don’t mind.

Ashley: Also, I didn’t bring a bikini. I only brought a one piece.

Nick: I’ll walk you out.

[Cut to the show outro]

Male voice: We’ll be right back with more ‘Beard Hunk.’]

Celebrity Sighting

Heidi Gardner

Michael… Bowen Yang

Scarlett Johansson

Bartender… Beck Bennett

Fan… Kate McKinnon

Nick… Mikey Day

[Starts with a clip of a nice restaurant]

Hostess: Hi there, welcome to Le Gulle.

Michael: Yes, hi. Table for two, please.

Hostess: Unfortunately we’re all booked up, but you can wait at the bar. I can see if something opens up.

Scarlett: Are you sure, Michael? I mean, you know what happens when we eat at restaurants.

Michael: I’m sure nobody will notice. I will wait up at the bar. Thank you so much.

[Michael and Scarlett walk to the bar.]

Bartender: Hey, folks. Wait! Don’t I recognize you from somewhere?

Michael: I think you do. [Michael points at a poster showing what to do when choking]

Bartender: Yeah. Oh, that’s right. You’re the people from the choking poster.

Scarlett: The models, yes. Is there anywhere else that we can wait?

Michael: Baby, if we wait somewhere else, the fans are just going to ask us to come back to the poster for pictures.

Bartender: Uh… the fans?

[Cut to Michael and Scarlett]

Scarlett: Yes. Our poster is in every restaurant and kitchen in the city. We are the Jay-Z and Beyonce of the safety posters. We have fans.

Michael: Babe, he was joking.

[Cut to everybody]

Bartender: I wasn’t.

[Cut to Michael and Scarlett]

Scarlett: Our fans are going to find out that we’re here. We should be safe.

Michael: Okay, you’re right.

Scarlett: Miss!

Hostess: How can I help you?

[Hostess walks in]

Scarlett: We’re obviously a little on display here. So, can we just ask when our fans start coming over, we keep them in single file line.

Hostess: Um, okay.

Scarlett: There is a certain group of people who get very excited around us. I see one now.

[Cut to a fan who is Chef staring at them from the kitchen] [Cut to Michael, Scarlett and the hostess]

Michael: Alright, smile. This is special for her. Hi there. Hi.

[The Chef walks in]

Chef: Wow. I can’t believe you’re here. We have your poster back in the kitchen, too.

Scarlett: Very sweet. Thank you. Would you like a selfie?

Chef: Um, that would be– yes. Okay. Can we do the pose?

Scarlett: Normally we don’t like to bring our work home but we’ll make an exception for you.

[Michael and Scarlett pose like they’re choking] [Chef takes a selfie]

Chef: Well, listen. [Cut to the Chef] Sorry. There was this one time, I was tasting something in the kitchen. I start choking. [Cut to everybody] But my sous came and did what was on the poster and I’m still here today. So, thank you.

Scarlett: It’s amazing.

Michael: That’s so sweet.

[Another fan walks in]

Nick : Oh, my god! I’m sorry. I look at you all day. Can you guys record my voicemail greeting?

Michael: Yeah. No problem.

Nick: I’m Nick by the way.

Michael: Okay. [makes choking sound] Leave a message for Nick.

Nick: Thank you. So awesome.

Scarlett: Where’s the girl who said she could control the situation?

Michael: I don’t know.

[Another fan walks in]

Kyle: Hey, I’m from Donahue’s down the block. I got a text you guys were here.

Scarlett: Oh, they’re texting each other.

Michael: If one kitchen knows we’re here, they all know.

[A lot of people come at Michael and Scarlett as their fans]

Kyle: So, were you really choking in the poster?

Alex: Have you ever choked in real life?

Chris: Would you do the pose?

Scarlett: Michael, I’m starting to get worried. Where’s the girl?

Michael: I don’t know. Oh, my god. There’s more of them.

Everybody: Do the pose! Do the pose!

Scarlett: Oh, my god! Baby, I’m scared. Where’s the girl?

Michael: Okay. Get behind me. I’ll protect you. Everyone, take a step.

[Michael starts choking]

Scarlett: Baby! Oh, my god. He’s choking. He’s choking on his gum.

Fan: Do something.

Scarlett: I don’t know how. I’m just a model.

[The Chef runs in]

Chef: I’ve got this. Come on! Don’t go to sleep.

[Michael spits out the gum]

Scarlett: Oh, my god! You saved him.

Michael: Oh, my god! How can we ever repay you?

Chef: I would like another selfie.

Michael: Oh, you could have already got one.

Scarlett: And we have a lot of fans to meet. Let’s get in a single file line now.

Scarlett: Everyone will get a selfie. Everyone’s gonna get a selfie.

Weekend Update: Astronaut Anne McClain | Season 44 Episode 16

Michael Che

Ann McClain… Aidy Bryant

Christina … Melissa villaseñor

Nick… Beck Bennett

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Earlier this week two female astronauts on the International Space Station were set to make history with the first ever all-female space walk, but it was canceled by NASA because there was only one space suit that could fit a woman. Here to comment is the female astronaut who did not get to space walk, Ann McClain.

[Ann McClain joins Michael Che]

Ann McClain: Hi there! Hello. Hi.

Michael Che: So this has got to be disappointing for you.

Ann McClain: [Sounding very upset] No. No, not at all. [Cut to Ann McClain] I’m practical. I get it. Only one woman suit, so Christina did the space walk with my colleague Nick and they swam in the stars and they know what it is to be god looking down on to earth and me inside the window and it’s all okay.

[Cut to Michael and Ann]

Michael Che: Well, from the way you’re talking, it sounds like you’re a little upset.

Ann McClain: Nope, nope.

Michael Che: Because it’s still a major accomplishment to go to space.

Ann McClain: Oh, totally, yes. [Cut to Ann McClain] I worked my whole life, flew 1,600 hours. You know, became helicopter pilot. Did 216 combat missions in the United States army and got two masters degrees in Aerospace Engineering. But then space shirt and pants were the wrong size. So unfortunately the dream gotta die.

[Cut to Michael and Ann]

Michael Che: But you still got to go space.  You just didn’t get to do the spacewalk.

Ann McClain: Yeah, I got to go to space. [Cut to Ann McClain] I got to do all of the chill stuff like being shot into the sky like a bullet on fire. And then once I got there, I got to eat all the stake dust. You konw, be wizzing in my tube. And you know, the business of space.

[Cut to Michael and Ann]

Michael Che: It’s okay to be a little mad. I think most people here who know that’s unfair.

Ann McClain: I’m not mad at all. I’m not mad. You know, they can make a special space suit for a dog or a special space suit for a monkey, but a human girl, only one get to be moon queen. And so, yeah, I’m actually happy as hell!

Michael Che: Happy as hell? Really?

[Cut to Ann McClain]

Ann McClain: Yeah! Even got the happy tears. And the cool thing about crying in space, Michael, is that your tears keep floating around hours after you cry them.

[Cut to Michael and Ann]

Michael Che: Well, this is actually exciting. We have the live feed from the space walk right now.

Ann McClain: Wow, and nobody told me that was going to happen. But excited.

Michael Che: Do we have them yet? [Cut to live video of Nick and Christina in space] Hey, guys, how is it going out there?

Christina: It’s amazing. Truly gorgeous to see that big, blue marvle. Really makes my multiple tours at Palmer station and Artica worth it.

Nick: And I’m Nick!

Ann McClain: I’m so happy for my friends!

Nick: This is my fifth space walk. It’s almost a chore at this point. Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Ann McClain]

Ann McClain: And I do love hearing that! Wow, but  to all of my little girls out there, I just want to say you can all become astronauts, just not at the same time.

[Cut to Michael and Ann]

Michael Che: Ann McClain everybody.

Ann McClain: It’s good. She gone.

Michael Che: Wekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

[Colin Jost joins]

Colin Jost : I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.