Huge Jewelry

Gabriel Balinia… Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Dana Balania Zonurela… Kate McKinnon

Audrina… Cecily Strong

Valencia… Aidy Bryant

Risabella… Vanessa Bayer

Gatzora… Sasheer Zamata

Antony… Nick Jonas

[Starts with Gabriel and Dana]

Gabriel: Hello, my name is Gabriel Balinia.

Dana: And I’m Dana Balania Zonurela.

Gabriel: Here in Long Island, the only thing as big as our dreams is our family.

Dana: And our god given breasts.

[laughing]

Gabriel: But more than that, our jewelry. That’s why we are the proud sister owners of Long Island zone ‘Huge Jewelry.’

Dana: Located in a beautiful strip mole of a Jergo Turn.

Gabriel: You know, Huge Jewelry.

Dana: Do you want people to notice you but don’t care if it’s good or bad?

Gabriel: Honestly, why wear jewelry unless you can see it from space?

Dana: Right?

Gabriel: Case in point, this exquisite destiny three piece modeled my my beautiful daughter, Audrina.

[Audrina walks in with her neck and cleavage covered with jewelry]

Oh, come on! Isn’t this piece of jewelry huge? And Huge as same as good. Audrina, how do you feel in that gorgeous piece of jewelry?

Audrina: It’s crushing my windpipe.

Dana: Gabriel, I gotta say it’s absolutely gorgeous.

Gabriel: Yeah.

Dana: Gorgeous girl. That body.

Gabriel: Oh, my daughter? Gorgeous body, gorgeous girl with bang.

Dana: I bet she gets spanked all the time.

Gabriel: Well, enjoy it well at last because–

Dana: Because it’s just like they say…

Gabriel and Dana: When the body goes, the jewelry grows.

Gabriel: Audrina, why don’t you tell the viewers at home a little bit about yourself?

Audrina: My name is Audrina. I am DanaGabriel. My dream is to be a doctor or I get paid to stay next to cars. My dad!

Gabriel: Yeah, good job honey. I’ll see you at home, I’m making stuff shells.

[Audrina leaves]

You like the dress by the way, oh my god! I bought it three AM on my iPad while I waited for my back medication to kick in.

Dana: Oh, how is your back?

Gabriel: Oh, it’s bad. But doctor says it’s because of my Huger Jewelry, but I think it’s stress.

Dana: It’s definitely stress. You do too much. And speaking of too much, look at this exquisite pendant earring from Fabina Marcos and God Sons.

[Valencia walks in wearing large earrings]

Modeled by my beautiful daughter, Valencia.

Gabriel: Valencia is wearing a full J drop earring complete with a patted in bologna earring shoulder brace.

Dana: Boring earrings hang from the ear. Huge earrings are elevated by the shoulder.

Valencia: Yeah. Because otherwise the earrings will rip your earlobes straight off.

Dana: Valencia!

Valencia: What? I should know. It happened to me. Didn’t have these shoulders do my gigs and my ear ripped right through.

Dana: The doctor glued it back together. What’s the big deal? Earlobes are like your liver. You don’t need it.

Valencia: Alright, am I done? Can I go out please?

Dana: Yes. I’m so proud of you. I love you.

[Valencia leaves]

Gabriel: Oh my god! Gorgeous. She’s absolutely breathtaking. Well, our next look is my absolute favorite Huge Jewelry. It’s the Faviana Kate Collection.

Dana: Oh! Modeled by my Gatzora Katziana.

Gabriel: And my niece, Risabella.

[Risabella and Gatzora walk in wearing a necklaces having large football size pearls hanging on them. Risabella is wearing it hanging in the front and Gatzora is wearing it hanging at the back.]

Risabella: Two ways.

Gatzora: One huge piece of jewelry.

Gabriel: You can rock the pearl in the front.

Dana: Or let your pearl just hang out in the back.

Gabriel: Come on! don’t they look gorgeous? And the necklaces are only $12, how do we do that?

Dana: They’re filled with dirt.

Gabriel: Great job girls. Now you can go.

Dana: Go!

[Risabella and Gatzora leave]

Gabriel: So come on down to Huge Jewelry and also, we do men. So, please welcome my god nephew Antony Marcos Prince Mortadella.

[Antony walks in wearing a chained board that has his name written on it]

Antony: Customizable jewelry! Also, you can put whatever you want on it.

Gabriel: I mean, when did you get so hot?

Dana: I know. He used to have pimples [showing different parts of her body] here, here, here.

Gabriel: Yeah. Well no. Not anymore. Is that necklace heavy for you Antony?

Antony: Nah! Nah, I’m pretty much jacked to the max.

Gabriel: Antony, when did you get so hot?

Antony: Last May.

Gabriel and Dana: Aw!

Male voice:H uge Jewelry in Massapequa, Long Island.

Affair with Chad

Chad… Pete Davidson

Miss Hanler… Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Toby… Nick Jonas

[Starts with Chad cleaning the pool listening to the music] [Miss Hanler gets back home]

Miss Hanler: Chad! Chad!

Chad: [turns around] Wad up, miss Hanler?

[Chad walks in]

Hey.

Miss Hanler: Oh, my god.

[Chad and Miss Hanler start kissing]

Oh, oh. No, no Chad. We can’t do this anymore.

Chad: Oh, okay.

[Chad turns around and walks]

Miss Hanler: Wait. I couldn’t sleep last night.

Chad: Oh, I hate that.

Miss Hanler: What am I doing? Am I some bored housewife who is having an affair with her 23 year old poolboy? I mean, [hand gesturing] what is this?

Chad: Your kitchen.

Miss Hanler: No. I mean us. I really hope you understand that we have to end this.

Chad: Okay.

[Cut to Miss Hanler walking in her kitchen talking]

Miss Hanler: God, I had no idea it would be this hard. It’s just when we first–

[engine noise] [Cut to Chad. He is already at the pool outside cleaning it.]

Chad!

Chad: Wad up?

Miss Hanler: You deserve an explaination.

Chad: Oh, okay. Cool.

[Chad turns the engine off and walks in]

Miss Hanler: Look. You’ve done nothing wrong. Okay? I should have known better. But I don’t know. It was just– it was fun. It was new.

Chad: Okay.

Miss Hanler: But my god, I’m a married woman with three kids. My husband’s in the city council. I’ve put PTA present in at Melony’s school.

Chad: Who is Melony?

Miss Hanler: My daughter.

Chad: Okay.

Miss Hanler: God, if this got out it would just ruin my life. Our family’s lives.

Chad: Ah, my bad.

Miss Hanler: But all I want to do is clear the bags off this table and take me right down.

Chad: Okay.

[Chad starts putting the bags down.]

Miss Hanler: But you can’t.

Chad: Oh, okay.

[Chad puts the bags back on the table.]

Miss Hanler: Because I’ve learned that sometimes getting what you want means losing what you already have. [takes an envelope out] Look, I wrote this for you last night.

Chad: Oh, okay. [takes the envelope.]

Miss Hanler: Oh my god, I’m blushing. [closing eyes] I just want you to know that I’m not a very good writer. I mean it’s not sophisticated but it’s how I feel. I mean every word of what I wrote.

Chad: Whoa! [Cut to Chad. He is at the pool and he has found a dead squirrel] Hey, Miss Hanler, I found a dead squirrel in your pool. [He just throws the squirrel away and starts cleaning the pool] [Miss Hanler walks to the door and watches Chad clean the pool.]

Miss Hanler: Good bye, Chad.

[grass cutter engine sound] [Miss Hanler looks at lawn] [Cut to Toby using the grass cutter.]

Hello.

Toby: Wad up?

Miss Hanler: Where is Phillip?

Toby: My uncle just hired me. I’m going to be doing your house now. I’m Toby.

[Cut to Miss Hanler.]

Miss Hanler: [smiling] I wanna fuck that kid.

[The End]

Judge Court | Season 44 Episode 20

Judge Marlene Wett… Aidy Bryant

Judge Christina Miami… Emma Thompson

Judge Linda Christina… Kate McKinnon

Nick Jonas

Joe Jonas

Kevin Jonas

Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

[Starts with an intro]

Narrator: When people do wrong—

Judge Marlene Wett: You’re wrong!

Narrator: You need someone you can trust.

Judge Christina Miami: Oh, please.

Narrator: Or how about some three?

Judge Linda Christina: You’re going to jail.

[Cut to all three judges]

Narrator: For people who like judge Judy but wish it was way less complicated, it’s judge court. Hi. Hi. Hello. Welcome to Judge court.

[Cut to running case in the court]

Judge Linda Christina: Yes, Hi. Hello.

Judge Christina Miami: Welcome to Judge Court.

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. What’s your problem? Go ahead.

[Cut to Heidy Gardner]

Heidy Gardner: Okay, I rented an apartment for 8 months in 2016. In that time, I did not have a bathtub. So I’m seeing recompense for the bathtub.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: And I’m saying that’s BS.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Linda Christina: Excuse me. Mr. Landlord, how old are you?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Um, 30.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. That is too young.

All the judges: Yes, you’re going to jail. You’re going to jail.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Wait, what?

[Cut to video bumper]

Narrator: Judge court. It’s the only courtroom with three judges. Linda Christina. Christina Miami. And Marlene Wet. They tied for last place in their law school class and they’re best friends who have dinner every night.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. Say your issue, please.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: His dog bit me.

[Cut to Chris Redd]

Chris Redd: And he was hungry.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: Enough. We have a verdict.

Judge Linda Christina:The dog is entitled to an all expenses paid dinner at Buca Di Beppo.

Judge Marlene Wett: That’s right, the dog is going to dinner with us and you are going to jail.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: What? Why?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: Excuse me. You do not in here to her.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Do what?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: Listen to me. Listen to me! You see this woman? [All judges pointing each other] This woman. Do you see this woman right here? Do you see her?

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah, yeah, I see her.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: This woman gave me $10,000 so I could get my painfully shy son a sex pillow for his birthday.

Judge Linda Christina: You see this woman? She dresses me every morning. I fight her the whole way but she does it.

Judge Marlene Wett: You know what? When I was choking on a hard candy, this woman sucked it out through my ass. Okay? It was all—and she was – I was naked of course.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Can I just go to jail?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Linda Christina: When I pee, she wipes.

Judge Christina Miami: When I cry, she screams.

Judge Marlene Wett: And when I need to wake up, she shoots her gun.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Are we still doing my case?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Linda Christina: Yeah, yeah, we solved it.

Judge Marlene Wett: Yeah, we release you for your own renaissance.

Judge Christina Miami: Go.

Narrator: Don’t worry. What these ladies lack in understanding of the law, they make up for in catchphrases.

Judge Marlene Wett: Eat dirt.

Judge Christina Miami: Don’t hold my breath.

Judge Linda Christina: Don’t give me boogers and tell me it’s broccoli.

Judge Christina Miami: I think I’m getting off on this.

Judge Marlene Wett: You dumb bitch.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: All right, speak up. If you mumble, you’re going to jail.

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Okay. Well, these three boys threw a house party in my vacation rental and cost $5 million in damages and now my house is just a burning crater.

[Cut to Jonas Brothers]

Joe Jonas: We’re sorry, ma’ams.

Kevin Jonas: We were just boys having fun.

Nick Jonas: But that fun knocked down the house. And that’s not okay.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: In your words, what the hell happened?

[Cut to Jonas Brothers]

Joe Jonas: Well, I spilled the snacks.

Kevin Jonas: I brought my skateboard into the living room.

Nick Jonas: And then, I set the house on fire.

Jonas Brothers: We accept the consequences of our horseplay.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. That is it. I cannot take it anymore. You are my sons.

Judge Linda Christina: You’re all our sons.

Judge Christina Miami:God, you are perfect.

[Cut to Jonas Brothers]

Joe Jonas: We’re not going to jail?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: No, no. We’re all going to dinner. Where’s that dog? Where’s the dog?

[Ends with an outro]

Judge court. On every day for 100 years.