Serious Night Live

Michael Che

Kyle Mooney

Jake Gyllenhaal

[Starts with Michael Che and Kyle in Kyle’s office]

Michael: Come on, Kyle, our sketch was due an hour ago. We need to turn it in now.

Kyle: No, it needs to be perfect. I’ve got to keep writing.

Michael: But we’ll get in trouble. They don’t like it when it’s turned in late.

Kyle: I don’t care what anyone thinks. I’m going to keep on writing. And I don’t need to listen to you, you jealous [bleep] [Jake Gyllenhaal walks in]

Jake: Hi. It’s Jake Gyllenhaal. Where is your sketch, Mooney?

Kyle: You said something to me, [bleep].

[Kyle and Jake Gyllenhaal start fighting. While fighting, Jake Gyllenhaal sees drugs on Kyle’s table.]

Jake: Drugs? Are you addicted?

Kyle: So what, Donny Dorko? I need them to write. Ah, no, what am I saying? I have so many problems and secrets.

Michael: Well, we’re here  to listen, Kyle.

Jake Gyllenhaal: Yes, we wanna know more about your life and how you got here.

Kyle: Okay, I guess it’s time for me to get serious.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle narrating: Hey, Kyle Mooney here and I can’t wait to take you behind the scenes of my new weekly segment for SNL, Serious Nightl Live.

[Cut back to the show]

Kyle: I don’t care what anyone thinks. I’m going to keep on writing and I don’t need to listen to you, you jealous [bleep].

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle narrating: So yeah, this was a fun one. I love dramatic shows and movies. And I love SNL and I’m like, can we combine them? That’s never been done, right? Let’s go behind the scenes. Come on. So serious Night Live is the new dramatic non comedy series I’m going to be doing every week at the show.

Michael: [reading his dialog] They don’t like it when it’s turned in late.

Kyle: Yes. Great.

Kyle narrating: Sort of an 824 Meet Safty Brothers vibe. Kind of scary, kind of sexy, but I knew I just had to nail it. Right Mikey? I’m reading for the role of Mikey. Let’s hear it.

Mikey: Hey, Kyle, what are you working on?

Kyle: That’s a choice. We’ll be in touch man.

Mikey: Okay.

Kyle: Might want to stick to sketch comedy but–

Kyle narrating: So yeah, the show tackles current SNL drama, but just like Godfather II, we also get to see Kyle’s rise to get here. His troubled past growing up as a kid named Kyle.

[Kyle looking for a kid Kyle actor]

Kyle: I’ll just play the kid. Looking like Irishman me or something. Jesus!

Kyle narrating: But first, we had to get the thumbs up from the big man. Hey, Lorne, Serious Night Live, what do we think?

Lorne: Kyle Get out of my office?

Kyle: Lauren, very biting wit.

Kyle narrating: So unlike normal sketches, I had to pay about $85,000 of my own money, the crew, the lights, had to pay for the DA gene effects, which turned out great.

Kid Kyle: Let’s make a video.

Kyle narrating: Plus the drugs were actually real. And that was really expensive. And the guys who sold them to me sort of wanted to stick around. Didn’t love them, but it’s serious Night Live. And we got Jake Gyllenhaal and he totally brought us A game.

Jake narrating: Kyle offered me $40,000 cash to act in this thing and said it was legitimate crew. I said yes because, I don’t know, I felt bad. I don’t really know the guy. He’s not really on the show that much, right? That’s gotta be tough.

Kyle: [bugging Jake] Killing like Gyllenhaal. Dude, great shoot. Wanna get drinks later?

Jake: Oh, sorry, dude. I gotta rehearse for the show now.

Kyle: No worries. Happy to drink alone. Any word if I’m in sketches this week? Sort of got f-ed over last Saturday.

Kyle narrating: Well, that’s a wrap on Serious Night Live. I hope you enjoyed it. I did spend a lot of money. Obviously, I’m almost 40. If this doesn’t take off in a really big way, there’s probably no reason for me to be in show business. Or even alive. So please just [bleep] tweet about it.

Cabaret Night

Mikey Day

Jake Gyllenhaal

Bowen Yang

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with announcer on a stage]

Mikey: Hello everyone. We hope you’re enjoying the music and dinner. If anyone drove here in a blue Toyota Corolla, I just want to say I have the same car. So let’s talk. And now without further ado, our biggest act of the night, the singers for tonight is a special reunion. They haven’t performed together in five years. But we are so lucky that they are all back in town tonight. Please welcome the Singers Four.

[Singers Four walk in]

Jake: Hello, everybody. I see some beautiful waters and breads in the crowd.

Bowen: We are the Singers Four and we are so glad to be with you tonight.

Cecily: You know so many songs are dedicated to greatness. But we’ve lived long enough to know that not everyone can be great. Some of us are just walking around.

Kate: This song goes out to the folks in the middle, celebrating the little things.

Bowen: Because it’s what we’ve got, it’s all we want. And it’s actually a lot.

Kate: [singing] I don’t have taste, I don’t have class

Cecily: I’ve been Passover, I’ve been picked last.

Bowen: I’m not winning any medal

Jake: Not number one, two or three.

Cecily: Who the hell is counting?

Kate: But I’ve made my bed every day this month.

Cecily: I can parallel park under any condition.

Jake: When I pump inside of a lady stuff comes out.

All: And that’s my thing for me

Jake: Look, no one can climb Everest. But you know what I just did?

Cecily: Well, tell us Johnny.

Jake: I finished an entire chapstick without losing it.

Kate: I’ve never done that.

Jake: I know. And I think that means I’m a good dad.

Bowen: That’s exactly what it means.

Kate: I’m not a queen, I’m not the best

Cecily: Might not be special, might not be blessed.

Jake: If it’s graded on a curve, I’m the one getting Bs

Kate: That’s almost an A.

Bowen: But this morning, I woke up two minutes before my alarm.

Cecily: I used to smoke but then I stopped.

Jake: My email inbox has zero email

All: And that’s my thing for me

Jake: So tell me, what are we all hanging our hats on these days?

Kate: Well, I’ll never win the Nobel Prize. But I can say that I met Eric Nies.

Cecily: Wow. And who is that?

Kate: He was in the original cast to the Real World.

Cecily: Well, that’s terrific. You know, one thing that I like to tell people about me is that I’m not the best at sex.

Bowen: Okay, tell me more.

Cecily: Well, it’s not gonna be anything new. But I guarantee one thing, you’re not going to feel scared or upset.

Bowen: That’s the point.

Jake: You go girl.

Bowen: My grandmother says I’m classically handsome.

Kate: I grew out of a peanut allergy.

Cecily: I don’t know why, but I never got COVID

Bowen: And I hated Hamilton before it was cool.

Jake: Once a year, I call off of work,
I pretend I’m sick and I go to the movies,

then I go home and my wife says “How was work”
and I say good and nobody knows

All: And that’s my thing for me

Kate: Come on. Every dinner, it can’t be steak. Sometimes it’s all wet pasta in a Tupperware. Grow up.

Cecily: Every night can’t be the best night of your life. It’d be exhausting. You’d end up in a hospital.

Jake: Gold isn’t the only metal? What is gold do? Sparkle? Who cares? You know what does a– what– what– what– What tin does? It preserves tomatoes forever.

Bowen: And fine. We don’t have Grammy’s. But we have Grammys of weed. Which is what I call it when I don’t have that much weed left.

Kate: I do not read, I do not floss

Cecily: The world that saw me and said get lost

Jake: I don’t have any trophies but I have a TV

Cecily: He can watch whatever he wants.

Kate: Some people are faster, some people are hotter
but I put lemon in my water

Bowen: Sure, I’m not regal, sure I’m not rich
but when I cook chicken it’s never dry, bitch!

Jake: I don’t have money, I don’t have power
but every time I use it I clean one part of the shower

Cecily: Sure, I don’t write poems that transcend
but I have a son and he has a friend

All: And that’s enough for me

Pandemic Game Night

Keith… John Krasinski

Goldie… Cecily Strong

Angela… Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

Heidi Gardner

Brad… Beck Bennett

FBI agents… Mikey Day, Punkie Johnson

[Starts with six adults in a house having a fun night.]

Keith: Alright. This meeting of the Warren Street covid bubble is now on session.

Goldie: Ah! I am so grateful we get to to this once a week. If I didn’t have this bubble, I would go insane.

Angela: Oh, yes. You have to have a pod that you can trust.

Kyle: Amen!

Keith: Alright. Who’s ready to play pioneer’s, a mountain pass?

Heidi: You know I am. I’ll be shopkeep.

Keith: Alright. Well, I guess I’ll be mayor’s daughter again.

Brad: [standing] Uh… I think I hear a pizza man at the door. Excuse me, uh… that will be… uh… I’ll be going to get the pizza, fellow forgers. I don’t know.

Keith: You know we’ll save you for the game, Brad.

[Brad opens the door. There’s an FBI agent.]

7: Brad Dobbit, you’re under arrest for storming the Capitol.

Brad: Yes, I am. You got me.

Heidi: What? Brad? You stormed the Capitol?

Brad: I’m sorry, everyone. I wasn’t in the bathroom that day. I was out at DC stopping the steal with my boys.

Goldie: Oh my god, Brad! Why on earth would you do that?

Brad: Because I care about our nation and its constitution. So, I wet jelly on a statue and put Pelosi’s phone on my pants.

Kyle: So, that’s what you did?

Brad: What else was I supposed to do? The guy I wanted to win didn’t win.

7: Alright. Let’s go.

Brad: Well, let me grab my coat first.

Angela: My god. I can’t believe this. I mean, is this really happening?

[Brad wears his fur coat and horns cap]

Brad: Tell my story.

7: Alright.

[7 grabs Brad by his hand]

Brad: Ouch! My hand!

Kyle: Oh my god! Did any of you know about this?

Heidi: No. I mean it’s Brad. Sweet, angry Brad.

Angela: Wow, I am floored. You think you know someone and then this happens.

Keith: I know. Well, let’s start the game. Shall we?

[door bell ringing]

Angela: Yes. Oh, well. I bet that’s the pizza.

Keith: Alright, but hop to it Angela because we got a lot of pioneering to get through.

Angela: Okay. Quit reminding us.

[Angela opens the door. There’s a female FBI agent.]

8: Angela Barnes, you’re under arrest.

Angela: Okay, I know that.

Kyle: Angela?

Goldie: Not sweet, racist Angela?

Angela: It’s true. I’m a patriot unlike this bubble of cucks.

Kyle: You’re gonna go to jail!

Angela: Ah! It was worth it. I had sex with Chuck Norris. At least he told me he was Chuck Norris. He kept saying, “You still think I’m Chuck Norris, right?”

8: Okay. We’re taking you in.

Angela: Well, let me just get my stuff, please. Okay. [Angela wears her Uncle Jam American flag hat with white beard] Now, Uncle Jam says don’t trade on this.

[7 pulls Angela out of the door]

Kyle: Is anybody else freaked out that two of our friends just got arrested?

[door bell ringing. Keith stands to answer the door.]

Oh no. Not you too!

Keith: Dude, you know me better than that. Okay?

[Keith opens the door. A guy wearing pizza delivery outfit is there.]

It’s just a pizza guy.

9: Or is it? [he opens his fake outfit. He is also an FBI.]

Keith: Dammit!

7: Are you Keith Renault?

Keith: Yes. Or Q-daddy on Facebook, marketl.

7: [looking at Goldie] Are you Goldie Flemming?

Goldie: I am. And I want my phone call.

7: That happens later, ma’am.

Heidi: Oh my god! Not crazy Goldie and dishonorably discharged Keith!

Keith: Alright. How did you find us?

Goldie: Was it our post on Instagram?

Keith: Or was it out check-in on Facebook?

Goldie: Or when I Venmoed him $10 to kick Pence’s ass?

Keith: Wait, did the hardware store tell you what I bougth?

7: We found this.

[7 pulls out a photo of them when they were there]

Goldie: Oh, yes. Then yes, guilty as charged. May I grab my cape that celebrates my southern heritage?

7: No.

Keith: May I quickly put on some face paint?

7: No!

Goldie: Oh! And this is the America you want to live in? I ask you

[Keith pulls out a podium and carried it with him]

Keith: Good day, all!

[7 takes them with him]

Kyle: I don’t get it. I mean one of them was my wife.

Heidi: I know.

Kyle: You just don’t know anyone anymore. Do I even know you?

Heidi: No. You are under arrest. [Heidi shows Kyle her FBI card.]

Kyle: Okay. Can I grab my crossbow please?

Heidi: No.

[Heidi starts pushing Kyle to the door]

Kyle: [screaming] But I’m a state senator!

Girlfriends Game Night

Aidy Bryant

Anna… Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

Genie… Cecily Strong

Horace… Bill Hader.

[Starts with three ladies waiting for

Aidy: What time is it? Is Genie still coming?

Anna: I just got a text. She’s saying they’re in the elevator.

Melissa: They? Oh, my god.

Aidy: Wait. Is she bringing her boyfriend?

Anna: His name is Horace and they’re married. Remember?

Melissa: Does she go anywhere without him? It’s just so weird.

Anna: You just think it’s weird because he’s an older man. Oh, shh. I think–

[Genie walks in. Horace is following her in on an automatic wheelchair. He is bald on top and has white hair on side and back. He is wearing a blanket and an old man sweater. He is very old.]

Genie: Hi. Hi. Sorry, we’re late. It’s been a chaotic week. Horace’s sons are suing me again. Horace, where are you going? To the– [Horace goes straight and hits the wall] Oh! Horace, be careful. You are being such a dude right now. [to her friends] Men. How do we, ladies? Speaking of, Anna, how was your honeymoon?

Anna: Oh. Paris was amazing.

Genie: Horace, they went to Paris. Anna went to Paris.

Horace: Uh-huh.

Aidy: That’s so romantic.

Genie: You know, Horace used to live in Paris during World War II. He can speak fluent French. Horace, speak some French.  Horace, speak some French to them.

Horace: No. [laughing]

Genie: Oh! Oh! Mr. Comedian. Right. Because ‘No’ is the same in French. You know, you’re laughing at your joke more than anyone else as usual.

[Horace is moving his shoulder like he’s laughing]

Aidy: Is he still laughing? Is maybe something wrong?

Genie: No. No. He is just tickled. Don’t encourage him.

Anna: Are you sure he’s okay?

Genie: Yes. Just let him have his laughing phase. Are you done?

Horace: Okay.

Anna: So? Are we gonna play Uno or what?

Aidy: Yes! Let’s do it.

Horace: I’m ready.

Aidy: Oh! Is Horace playing?

Horace: Genie, it’s here now?

Genie: It is? Like, right now? Oh, that’s inconvenient.

Melissa: What’s here?

Genie: Oh. He’s got a– You guys know how we’re trying to get pregnant. We’ve been working with the specialists. We’re doing all these treatments. Yada-yada-yada. His cialis kicked in.

Horace: It’s here. Let’s go.

Anna: Wait. What are you doing?

Genie: Well, we just have to take advantage when it’s here. Just, you know.

[Genie takes the blanket and sits on Horace’s lap]

Melissa: Why?

Genie: Hey, don’t worry. I have this courtesy blanket so you won’t see anything.

[Horace is shouting]

Melissa: Wait, wait, wait. Don’t do that here.

Horace: Oh, it’s a good one.

Genie: We have to. You guys know how bad I want a baby.

Aidy: Oh my god. You can’t do that old man here.

Horace: Oh, yeah. Look out.

Genie: Guys. It’s like breast feeding in public, okay? It’s about accomplishing a task. It’s not a sexual thing.

Anna: Alright. But sex is a sexual thing.

Genie: No, Anna, believe me, okay? This is all by the numbers. It’s science. It’s clinical. It’s boring.

Aidy: Okay. Well, can you at least use the bedroom?

Anna: Don’t offer my bedroom. I sleep in there.

Genie: Guys, guys, it’s nothing. I can talk and chew gum at the same time. You know what? Let’s just play. Horace, can you move me closer to the table? [Horace takes them to the table on his automatic wheelchair.] Slow, Horace. [They push the table far away] Slow. Horace. Horace, slow. Horace.

Aidy: Where are my cards? Okay, I will go first I guess.

Horace: Oh, yeah!

Genie: My cards are terrible.

Horace: Oh, yeah.

Anna: You know what? I’m sorry. You know what? I just– I can’t do this.

Horace: You can change your cards if you want.

Anna: No. Not the game. You and your husband doing that.

Genie: You guys, seriously. You know how important being a mom is to me.

Melissa: I know that. And I’m trying to not see what I’m seeing. But I think this is making it to the point where I can never look at you again.

Genie: Oh, my god. Okay. Does everyone feel that way?

Aidy: Actually, yeah.

Genie: Wow. Okay. Well, I guess we will leave. Come on, Horace. Wow! [Genie and Horace move to the door on the wheelchair.] Slow. Slow. Horace.

Horace: You know what? No.

[Horace moves the wheelchair backwards pushing the table and everything.]

You know what? You should be ashamed of yourselves. This woman is your friend. She always dreamed of being a mom. It’s been a very difficult journey for her and she needs your support. If you can’t give her that, then you’re not a kind friend.

Genie: Oh!

Anna: Yeah.

Aidy: You’re right.

Melissa: We are sorry.

Anna: Yeah. You’re gonna make a excellent mother.

[Horace starts screaming]

Genie: Horace?

[The End]