Weekend Update- Tammy the Trucker on Gas Prices and Definitely Not Abortion

Colin Jost

Tammy… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: With so many midterm races tightening, it’s hard to predict what will drive people more to the polls – social issues or economic concerns? Here to comment is Tammy the trucker who promises she’s here to talk about gas prices and definitely not abortion. What?

[Tammy slides in holding a big steering wheel]

Tammy: Hey, peep peep. Hey there, Colin, it’s me, Tammy the trucker. Breaker, breaker, Big Mama over.

Colin Jost: Wow, Tammy. So, you are a trucker who is very affected by gas prices. I guess that makes sense to me.

Tammy: Yes, I thought it would Colin Jost. That’s why I’m here. Tammy the trucker.

Colin Jost: And what was that about not talking about abortion?

Tammy: No, no, no. Breaker, breaker, double dipper, I got a big daddy on my tail. And all I’m here to talk about is gas even though the Supreme Court said Roe v. Wade did that big pitstop in the sky. Peep peep. Yeah, 50 years of precedent. Peep peep. Both.

Colin Jost: Cecily, are you okay? It seems like maybe you do want to talk about abortion.

Tammy: Calm your cooter down, Beaver Caniver. I’m Tina the trucker, whatever name I gave you. I gotta be in Rancho Cuca Roomba by nightfall.

Colin Jost: Rancho Cuca Roomba? Cecily. What are you doing?

Tammy: I don’t know, Colin. I am just trying to get through this moment, okay? Gas prices are up and families are really hurting. But that’s not going to magically disappear no matter who you vote for. We’re in a global recession fueled by corporate greed and war. Honk honk, breaker breaker. But what will keep disappearing is safe access to abortion. It’s not really magic because they told us that’s exactly what they’re gonna do. And they’ve been doing it. Breaker breaker. Big Daddy. I got a double nickel on the big slab.

Colin Jost: Did you just Google trucker terms?

Tammy: Oh, like research? Yeah. Here, hold that. [gives Colin Jost her steering wheel] Keep it. Look, I want to talk about abortion on live TV or Peacock, whatever that count says. These are scary times okay? Because they don’t want to just take away access to health care. They want to criminalize it too. I mean, it’s so bad, us truckers are all out here warning each other, delete our period tracking apps from our phones. I just want to know what week I’m wearing my bad underwear. But I can’t, in case some dickhead in Texas thinks my period is evidence of a crime. A Rooba!

Colin Jost: I don’t think it’s a Rooba. I think it’s Ooga.

Tammy: Do you have something against? You are riding my ass. My point is— [pulls back the steering wheel] Give me that. My point is you shouldn’t have to pull the convoy across state lines to find a doctor who can provide health care for your anatomy without having to call their lawyer first. Peep peep. Beep beep beep beep. Colin, check my rear. Am I clear? My rear clear? I’m backing up about 50 years into the past.

Colin Jost: Okay, I got that. I got that.

Tammy: Yeah, I know it’s been fun for you. Okay, let me give you some little trucker toys. Okay? Yeah, here you go. Here’s a nudie mag. And here’s this.

Colin Jost: Oh, is this Gatorade?

Tammy: Well, it was at one point. Look at your naked gals, okay? Truth is I have felt pretty helpless over the past year. And it’s hard to know what to say to make other truckers feel better, even though I have this big giant radio. So here’s the thing I can say. There’s one mothe-trucking thing we can do to fight for mother-trucking freedom to make her own health care decisions. And that’s vote. And I hope to hell everyone votes. Because remember, we all love someone who’s had an abortion. I mean, drives a truck. Beep beep. A Wooba.

Colin Jost: Tammy, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Republican or Not

Benson Dubois… Kenan Thompson

Jim Lee… Simu Liu

Michelle Flynn… Ego Nwodim

Brady… Kyle Mooney

Lacey… Sarah Sherman

Cheney… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro] Male voice: And now it’s time to play Republican or Not? With your host Benson Dubois.

[cut to Benson Dubois in his set] [cheers and applause]

Benson Dubois: Hello, and welcome to the show. The game is simple. We’re gonna meet some people, and our contestants have to guess whether they’re republican or not. Seems easy, right? Hello, contestants.

Jim Lee: Hi, Benson. I’m Jim Lee. And honestly, this game seems pretty straightforward. So I think I got this.

Benson Dubois: I bet you do. And how about you?

Michelle Flynn: Hello, Benson. I’m Michelle Flynn. I grew up in Ohio. So, I’ve been playing this game my whole life. Kind of an expert.

Benson Dubois: Sure you are. Let’s get started. Let’s bring out our first guest. [Brady walks in] This is Brady. Now he’s gonna make a few statements. Ring in as soon as you’re ready to guess. Republican or not? All right, Brady, give us our first clue.

Brady: I think Facebook is evil.

Jim Lee: Oh, wow. Because they’re spreading disinformation or because they’ve banned Donald Trump?

Benson Dubois: Not so easy, is it?

Jim Lee: Maybe we need another hit.

Benson Dubois: I would say you do.

Brady: I buy all my produce straight from a farm.

Michelle Flynn: Because you want to or because you have to?

Benson Dubois: I don’t know Miss Ohio. You the expert. Keep going Brady.

Brady: I respect pro athletes who stand up for their beliefs.

Jim Lee: Which athletes?

Michelle Flynn: And which beliefs?

Benson Dubois: Who knows? Could be her or him? No guesses? Okay, then give them the last clue. Brady?

Brady: God I hate cops.

[Michelle Flynn presses the ringer]

Michelle Flynn: Okay, he is not a Republican.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Benson Dubois: Oh, sorry. So close. But no, Brady is indeed a Republican.

Michelle Flynn: But but he said he hates cops.

Benson Dubois: Yes, but he was talking about these cops. [Picture of police holding Trump rally appears on the screen] Well, better luck next round. Let’s Meet Our second guest, Lacey. Lacey came here from Manhattan.

Jim Lee: New York City or Kansas?

Benson Dubois: I can’t say. Start the clock.

Lacey: On Twitter, my pin tweet is “My body my choice.”

Jim Lee: Okay, that’s a trick. She’s talking about vaccines, right?

Benson Dubois: Oh, if we only knew. Another hint Lacey.

Lacey: I support Caitlyn Jenner.

Michelle Flynn: In what way? Politically?

Benson Dubois: [eating popcorn] You’re doing great.

Jim Lee: And give us another clue.

Lacey: Okay. My favorite comic is Dave Chappelle.

Michelle Flynn: Starting when?

Benson Dubois: I love my job. All right, give them another one.

Lacey: Last month I went to a board meeting and complained about a book being taught in my daughter’s school.

[Jim Lee presses the ringer]

Jim Lee: Okay, I definitely know that one. She’s a republican.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Benson Dubois: No. Sorry.

Jim Lee: What? She was complaining about a book in her kids school.

Benson Dubois: That’s right. And that book, the Bible. Alright, before we bring out our next guest, let’s hear about today’s sponsors. Jimmy!

Male voice: Republican or not is sponsored by the city of Orlando, where Democrats visit and Republicans live. Orlando. Back to you, Benson.

Benson Dubois: Thank you, Jimmy. Alright, let’s bring out our next guest, Liz.

Liz: Good afternoon.

Jim Lee: Is that– I feel like I recognize her.

Benson Dubois: Maybe you do. Start the clock.

Liz: I’m a congresswoman from Wyoming. I’m endorsed by the NRA and have an 80% rating from the American Conservative Union.

Benson Dubois: Nobody wants to ring in?

Michelle Flynn: Yeah, I really want to. It seems so obvious, but this game is weird.

Liz: My name is Liz Cheney. I’m the daughter of Vice President Dick Cheney.

Benson Dubois: She’s the daughter of Dick Cheney.

Michelle Flynn: Okay. Y’all are being real tricky here, aren’t you?

Liz: I’m a Republican.

[Jim Lee presses the ringer]

Jim Lee: Republican. She just said she’s a Republican.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Benson Dubois: No, sorry. Again. That is wrong.

Jim Lee: What? How?

Benson Dubois: The Wyoming Republican Party actually voted representative Cheney out this week for opposing Donald Trump.

Liz: But I am a Republican.

Benson Dubois: Ha-ha! You might tell everybody that, but it’s not what other Republicans say. Like it or not, you are the Rachel Dolezal of the Republican Party.

Liz: Well, I don’t care. I’ve been fighting for Republican values all my life.

Benson Dubois: Aw, that is so cute. We will see you on MSNBC in about a week. Let’s take a break. When we come back we’ll find out if these camouflage pants are Republican or not.

Jim Lee: Who’s wearing them? Guy playing paintball or Rihanna?

Benson Dubois: You still don’t get it?