Shud the Mermaid

Harrison Beckett… Mikey Day

Titacles… Beck Bennett

Oceana… Cecily Strong

Aquaticana… Sasheer Zamata

Shud… Kate McKinnon

Conk… Scarlett Johansson

[Starts with a book ‘True Tales From The Sea’ opening]

Male voice: True Tales From The Sea. From U.S. fighter pilot Harrison Beckett, 1944.

Harrison Beckett narrating: My plane was shot down over the pacific. I fell into the sea, and surrendered to death. Yet, I awoke on the shore of a small deserted island, all alone, or so I thought.

[Cut to Harrison Beckett in the deserted island]

Harrison Beckett: Hello? Is anyone there?

[Titacles appears behind the stones. He has long white hair and beard and a tail of a fish.]

Titacles: No one of your kind. I am Titacles and I rule over this cove. I saved you from a watery grave and therefore I command you to marry one of my daughters. The playful Oceana.

[Oceana appears behind the stones. She is beautiful.]

Oceana: Hello, young sailor. So brave. So handsome. [laughing]

Titacles: The adventurous Aquaticana.

[Aquaticana appears behind the stones. She is also beautiful.]

Aquaticana: Oh, I have never seen a human man. They’re splendid.

Titacles: And the other one, Shud.

[Shut crawls up. she is ugly.]

Shut: Hey, man. What’s crapping?

Titacles: The choice is yours.

[Titacles swims away]

Shut: Why are you staring at me? Do I remind you of anyone?

Harrison Beckett: Um, yes. Popeye, if he melted.

Shut: Hmm. I know I look different from my sisters. While they are half maiden, half marlin, I am 15% maiden and 85% blob fish, which means, I’m mostly gelatin.

Harrison Beckett: Okay. Okay. I mean, how could I choose? Two-thirds of you are so beautiful.

Oceana: If you choose me, we’ll spend out days frolicking in the grotto. What fun!

Aquaticana: Choose me, and together we’ll explore the wonders of the sea.

Shut: Hey! Hey! Choose me and you’ll be spending a lot of time with this chick.

[Conk crawls up.]

Conk: What’s up?

Shut: This is my BFF Conk, fellow dweller of the deep.

Conk: I’m 8% woman and 92% angler fish. Yep, I’m from way down deep where all the freaks hang out, hence the reading light growing out of my head.

Shut: Conk knows how to party now. If you want company in the bedroom, Conk is very much down to clown.

Conk: Oh, yeah. Three way, two way me watching, two way her watching three of us going solo, all watching. Any combo, I’ve done, and do again.

Shut: Here is a little preview.

[Shut is licking the light on Conk’s head]

Harrison Beckett: Oh, god!

Shut: Hell, yeah.

Conk: Oh, yeah, that’s hot.

Shut: When it’s hot enough, say when.

Harrison Beckett: When? When? When? When? Please don’t do that ever again. Anyway, [turning towards Oceana and Aquaticana] I never imagined I would one day marry a mermaid.

Oceana: Oh, life with a mermaid is quite enchanting. We sing the most beautiful melodies.

[Oceana and Aquaticana singing melodies]

Shut: [singing badly] The Simpsons
[humming ‘The Simpsons’ theme song.]

Oceana: If you were to choose me, I will never tire of hearing tales of life on land.

Aquaticana: If I am your choice, my love for you will grow with each sun rise.

Shut: Yeah, true talk, I’m really just in thsi for the babies. I’ve got about 5 million eggs that need fertilization, yesterday.

Harrison Beckett: Okay.

Shut: Quick blob fish mating FYI, oh, my female gonads are where my mouth is which is also my butt, but we’ll make it work.

Harrison Beckett: No, please don’t.

Conk: A little angler fish info, during mating the male attaches to the female and then dies. You down for that?

Harrison Beckett: I am not.

Shut: Well, just know this. I am an old fashioned kind of girl. When my my man comes home, I like to have dinner rady for him. In fact, you look a little hungry right now. Do you like sea bass?

Harrison Beckett: No, thank you.

[Shut eats the sea bass herself and spits some on Harrison Beckett]

Argh! it got in my mouth.

Shut: Eat up before it gets warm.

Harrison Beckett: No, thank you. I don’t want it.

[airplane sound]

Oh, that sound. Oh, it’s a rescue plane. I’m saved! I’m sorry ladies, but I have a life back on land.

Oceana and Aquaticana: Aww!

[Oceana and Aquaticana swim away]

Shut: Listen, man. Could I just get one kiss for the road?

Harrison Beckett: Yes, Shud. But on the cheek because your mouth is also your butt.

[Harrison Beckett stand to kiss Shut]

Shut: [grabbing Harrison Beckett by his waist] Oh, grab him, Conk.

Conk: Alright, Shud.

[Shut and Conk pull Harrison Beckett down into the water]

Shut: Sorry, girls. Gotta be aggressive nowadays. Okay.

Shut and Conk: [singing] The Simpsons


Taran Killam

Corel…Ariana Grande

Oceana… Cecily Strong

Bobby Moynihan

Smith… Beck Bennet

Shud… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a clip of a book ‘True Tales From The Sea’]

Male voice: True Tales From The Sea. By fishing boat captain, Deacon Pritchard, 1906.  [The book opens] Caught in a storm, my crew and I were flown overboard, sent to a watery grave. But the next morning, we woke on our boat deck. The circumstances of our rescue, not to be believed.

[Cut to three men waking up]

Taran: I am alive. But who plucked from the sea?

[Corel comes out. She’s a mermaid.]

Corel: I did.

Taran: My god!

[Oceana appears next to Bobby]

Oceana: And I saved you.

Bobby: Can’t be.

[Cut to Smith]

Smith: And who is my enchanting rescuer?

[Shud comes out. She looks really ugly.]

Shud: Me, man.

Smith: Oh my god, what is that?

Shud: I’m a mermaid, man!

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Oceana: I am Oceana.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Corel: And I am Corel

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Shud: My name is Shud.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Taran: It’s just like in the story books. Half woman, half fish.

Corel: Blue fish to be exact.

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Oceana: I am part Marlin.

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Shud: Me? I’m working with about 35% woman, 65% blab fish.

Smith: Oh, god! What are blab fish?

Shud: We live on the sea floor deep in the Mariana Trench. Made only of jellyton, hence my sleek sheen. And here’s a picture of my mom for reference.

[Shud shows Smith a picture of an ugly fish]

Gorgeous. That was her on her wedding day. I have her looks, thank god.

Smith: My mermaid blows.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Taran: Now, I believe in love at first sight for you are the most beautiful creature I have ever laid my eyes upon, Corel.

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Bobby: My sweet Oceana, you’ve captured my heart with a mere flutter of your eyelash.

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Shud: I’m waiting.

Smith: Ah, you’re so big, Shud.

Shud: Oh, thanks man. Excuse me, I need to take a breath.

[Shud makes weird exhaling noises]

Nailed it. Thank you.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Taran: Ah! Sweet ocean maidens, I would do anything for you to walk with us upon the land.

Corel: There is a way. All it takes is a kiss.

Taran: Yes. Yes, of course.

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Bobby: It would be an honor.

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Smith: Can I just give her cash?

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Oceana: Now my sisters, let’s recite the enchanted spell. If a mermaid kisses a human male, a pair of legs shall replace her tail.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Corel: And once she walks on land above, she will find her one true love.

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Shud: A blab fish has two mouths. One for breathing and one for food absorption. The human male should kiss the food mouth which consist of the whole face in front ass.

Smith: Can I give a hug, or like a high-five? This chick takes dumbs out of her mouth.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Corel: We are sea sisters. Therefore, all of us must receive a kiss for the spell to work.

Taran: You kiss her Smith. That’s an order.

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Bobby: Yeah, just kiss your blab fish, Smith!

[Bobby kisses Oceana and Oceana starts singing] [Cut to Taran and Corel. Taran kisses Corel and Corel starts singing.] [Cut to Smith and Shud]

Shud: Open wider!

[Smith and Shud kiss. Shud stats singing the Lion King chant.]

That was hot.

[Cut to Oceana and Bobby]

Oceana: When we reach shore, our transformation will be complete.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Corel: We are your’s forever.

[Cut to Smith and Shud]

Shud: Blab fish lives about a 175 years, FYI.

[Cut to Taran and Corel]

Taran: We shall marry this evening. Set a coarse for the shore.

[Cut to everybody]

Corel: We’ll see you there.

[Corel and Oceana gets back to the water]

Shud: Mating wise, usually a male attaches to my body and I absorb his gonet. And then his body fuses to my sheen. But we’ll figure something out.

Smith: Wow, it’s so nice for you to help work out a way that my nut will melt off.

Shud: I’ll see you soon baby.

[Shud fats]

Hey, are you looking down my shirt?

Smith: Ew, no!

[Cut to the book closes]