Weekend Update Queen Moves Out of Buckingham Palace Box of Heads Stolen

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of “The Gilded Age” show logo at right top corner]

Michael Che: The new HBO show “Gilded Age” is being praised for highlighting wealthy black families that lived in New York in the late 1800s, until they were driven out by wealthy industrialist Colin Jost I (Colin Jost the first). [Picture changes to an edited photo of Colin Jost from 1800s].

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Buckingham Palace at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Queen Elizabeth II has permanently moved out of Buckingham Palace and this is weird, in with John Mayer. [Picture changes to edited picture of John Mayer and Queen Elizabeth II.] [Picture changes to an article that says “Box of heds stolen from truck” at left top corner.]

Thief in Colorado broke into a truck and stole a box of human heads. Even more disturbing, it was an Arby’s truck.

Male voice: [commercial] Arby’s, we have the human heads.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of John Travolta and Lupita Nyong’o at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Produces for this year’s Oscars announced that presenters will include John Travolta and Lupita Nyong’o, or as Travolta calls her, the wickedly talented Lucrecia Bonobos.

[Picture changes to a laptop]

New report shows that during the pandemic meth users met online to use the drug together, mostly on the popular meth user app, Tooth Grindr. You get it?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of rivers, mountains and trees at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The US government announced that it would rename more than 600 rivers, mountains and other landmarks that use a racial slur for Native American women. Wow. So we changed those names but they can still just call a restaurant Cracker Barrel?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked on 8th March, Michael Che0Michael CheMichael Che at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Tuesday was International Women’s Day . So hopefully you remember to smile.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Scientists could bring back extinct rat” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Scientists are saying that by using new gene editing technology, they could bring back the extinct Christmas Island rat… or not! The other option is not.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a train at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A video has gone viral of a man urinating on a New York City subway while other passengers appeared not to care, but they were probably too nervous to say something because I’m on TV.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a cartoon that says “I need a new butt!” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: An Assistant Principal in elementary school in Mississippi was fired after he read the class a children’s book “I need a new butt!”. The book is about a lovable rabbit who just ate at Chipotle.

Weekend Update Dan Bulldozer on the Impact of Social Media

Michael Che

Dan Bulldozer… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Recent study showed that social media is making young people unhappy and insecure about their own lives. Here to comment is lifestyle influencer Dan Bulldozer.

[Dan Bulldozer slides in]

Dan Bulldozer: Great, man, what’s going on? Y’all gotta legit set up.

Michael Che: Thanks. Yeah. So, Dan, you’re super rich and you just show off your crazy life on Instagram, right?

Dan Bulldozer: Something like that. Yeah. So I basically wanted life, straight up. Just like parties on the yacht, vapes everywhere, snowboarding with like, a bazooka. My life is insane.

Michael Che: Yeah, that’s cool, man.

Dan Bulldozer: Che, asked me how many girls I’m dating right now.

Michael Che: How many girls are you dating?

Dan Bulldozer: 940?

Michael Che: Okay, cool, man.

Dan Bulldozer: It is cool. I agree. So yeah, I’m dating the 900 girls. I got the new book, which like, why is writing so easy? You just have to type it out.

Michael Che: You’re writing a book?

Dan Bulldozer: Yeah, man. It’s kind of like Hemmingway, but for guys. That’s me writing about my struggles with shirts.

Michael Che: So it’s like a memoir.

Dan Bulldozer: Yeah, it’s the moving story of me stacking cash, blowing clouds and changing the world through positivity. It’s called Ass Book.

Michael Che: Wow, that’s good for you. And I gotta ask, despite all the success, how do you stay so down to earth?

Dan Bulldozer: Let me put it this way. Do you know the ancient story of the farmer and the crow?

Michael Che: No, I don’t think I do.

Dan Bulldozer: Ah! So it’s like, farmer has three dogs. He’s a very wise farmer. First dog goes to the farmer and says “I saw a crow.” Farmer says “Maybe.” Second dog goes the farmer says, “Dad. I saw a crow.” Daddy says, “Maybe.” Then the crow goes to like an old maid or just like a cobbler. And then the first girl– I’m trying to remember.

Michael Che: Hey, are you alright, Dan?

Dan Bulldozer: Yeah, yeah, just the point of the story is like, everything is just insane!

Michael Che: Okay, that’s it?

Dan Bulldozer: I think so.

Michael Che: Hey, man. Are you happy?

Dan Bulldozer: No, no.

Michael Che: Dan Bulldozer, everybody.

Dan Bulldozer: My life is crazy.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Maid of Honor

Matt… Kyle Mooney

Tanya… Cecily Strong

Nate… Chris Redd

Announcer… Mikey Day

Sarah… Zoë Kravitz

Sarah’s husband… Martin Herlihy

[Starts with Nate giving toast for his friends’ wedding]

Nate: You know, I always got the sense that Matt looked down on me. But that’s only because he’s two inches taller. But I’m so happy for you, buddy. I love you, bro. To Matt and Tanya. Cheers.

[Announcer walks up]

Announcer: Okay, how about a hand for Matt’s best man, Nate? Yeah. I’m sorry. I’m chewing that was just an incredibly short speech. It opened with the look down on me, Joe. And then it just kind of ended a few sentences later. I was sure it would be longer, which is why I took a bite of food, but I was wrong. But still a very nice speech from Nate. Okay, now let’s hear from the maid of honor, Tanya’s best friend, Sarah. Come on up, Sarah.

[Sarah walks up]

Sarah: Hi, I’m Sarah. Matt, let me tell you something. You’re really lucky guy. Because Tanya is the best girl in the world.

Matt: Aw. Yeah, she is.

Sarah: Girl’s like a sister to me. And not just because we both seen my dad naked.

Matt: [feeling uncomfortable but smiling] Okay.

Sarah: She’s always had my back. Even when nobody else agreed with me, she always said, “Sarah, if you’re sober enough to drive, then I believe you.” And that meant the world to me, girly. And when I’d stumble, when I’d make a mistake, she’d never make me feel bad. She’d say “Girlie, don’t beat yourself up. Nobody knew that thing was loaded.”

Matt: Did she shoot someone?

Tanya: Shh, babe, I’m trying to listen.

Sarah: And when she’s going through a tough time herself, she doesn’t complain. No. She dances, professionally.

Matt: What kind of dancing?

Tanya: Babe, shh!

Sarah: She’s not perfect.

Tanya: No way.

Matt: What kind of dancing?

Sarah: She’s been a bit of a bride Zilla. And not just because she’s attacked a lot of Japanese people. I am in awe of her. I don’t know about all of you. But if nine of my last boyfriends killed themselves, I would give up on romance. But not Tanya.

Matt: She’s joking, right?

Sarah: She believes in love. When I started dating my now husband, she was so happy for me. Everyone else said, “You’re a monster.” But what did you say, Girlie?

Tanya: You’re not a monster. You’re just his math teacher.

Sarah: That’s right. Love is love. Right baby?

Sarah’s husband: [pouring salt on his food. He is very young.] No doubt.

Sarah: But most of all, Tanya is brave. Girlie, I know you remember this? We were at a protest fighting for justice and you got right in that cop’s face. No fear at all. And do you remember what you said?

Tanya: I’m storming the Capitol and I’m gonna kill Mike Pence.

[Now Sarah is starting to get worried]

Sarah:  That’s right. And Matt, you make her so happy. I don’t want to embarrass anyone. But when you guys first got together, Tanya and I were having some girl talk and I said, you know, how’s the chemistry in the bedroom?

Matt: [laughing] No. Hey, here we go.

Sarah: And she said he’s trying his best.

[Matt is disappointed]

And that’s what makes Matt different from the hundreds and hundreds of other guys that she’s dragged home over the year.

Matt: Hundreds?

Tanya: Shh, baby!

Sarah: I’m sure maybe he’s not famous like Steve O’ from Jackass or Wee Man from Jackass. Maybe he’s not mysterious, like Bam from Jackass. But he puts in the work like Johnny Knoxville from Jackass.

Matt: So you just got with the whole Jackass gang?

Tanya: Honey, I listened to your friend speech. Okay?

Sarah: She loved you right away, Matt. After your first date, she said I met my person. And she deleted all the dating apps, Match, Tinder, ChokePony, Tour Dark Web browser, all of them? At least I think she did. Ha-ha-ha.

Tanya: No, I did. Come on. You can check my phone. [pulls out three phones out of her purse]

Matt: Why do you have three phones?

Sarah: So yeah, she loves you, man. And I know when she’s finally able to get her kids back, they’re gonna love you too.

Matt: What kids?

Sarah: And all those kids’ dads are gonna respect you.

Matt: What kids and what dads?

Tanya: Shh!

Sarah: Not every man who has the courage to marry Suge Knight’s ex. But you do Matt. You do. So congrats to both of you. Cheers.

Tanya: Thanks, girlie.

Matt: [thinking to himself] I’m gonna die.

March of the Suitors

Assistant… Mikey Day

Queen… Chloe Fineman

Thomas… Kyle Mooney

Rafi… Andrew Dismukes

Josephine… Cecily Strong

Milk Maker… Heidi Gardener

Lady Eloise… Aidy Gardner

Prince Harwey… Jonathan Majors

Archanbald… Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Tawnie… Punkie Johnson

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching the History Channel. At nine it’s “Pardon My Reich: Hitler’s Personal Waiters”. Now we return to “Forgotten Monarchs”.

Male voice: Queen Matilda the First assumed the throne at the age of 19. Within days of a coronation, the search for husband began with a tradition known as the march of the suitors.

[Cut to queen with her assistants.]

Assistant: My queen, men of both noble and common blood have come from far and wide to win your hand. Are you ready to greet your suitors?

Queen: Um, sure.

Assistant: The Queen says sure. [claps] And now let the march begin. First, oh dear, how uncomfortable my leash, presenting the Queen’s guy friend who’s in love with her, but she doesn’t like him in that way. Thomas of Sneed Lo.

[Thomas walks in]

Thomas: Wow, you look gorgeous

Queen: I told you Thomas. I don’t like you like that.

Thomas: At least tell me what I could change about myself for you to consider marrying me.

Queen: I mean, literally all of it.

Thomas: Okay, I can work with that. Hey, remember our inside joke? Strawberry food.

Queen: No. Thomas. Please just go.

Assistant: No. Next, oh, a commoner my leash. Presenting peasant boy Rafi Buckets and his dirty mother Josephine Buckets.

[Rafi Buckets and his mother walk in]

Josephine: Well, I will not tell you, miss. My son Rafi I know so much. He poor and dumb and filthy. But this idiot got a huge sausage. We figure it out when he wasn’t even born. Alright, the milk maker too. She’s seen it.

Milk Maker: It’s crazy, my lady. Thank you, my lady.

Josephine: Do you wanna take a peek? Drop your pants loose, boy. Show him.

Lady Eloise: Oh! Behold! The new king of England!

Queen: No. No. No. No. It takes more than that to win my heart. Farewell.

Lady Eloise: My grace. No one has more than that.

Assistant: Lady Eloise! Next from the Moroccan shores, presenting the mighty warrior Prince, Harwey, the conqueror.

[Prince Harwey walks in with Archanbald playing the drums]

Archanbald: All hail. Prince Harwey.

Prince Harwey: Your Majesty. As your king, I will spoil you with Rich’s, loyalty and of course, pleasure.

Archanbald: Prince Harwey, the great satisfier of women.

TawnieEgo: I’ll be damned. I’m sorry, your Highness. This isn’t a rich Prince. This is my dumbass husband, Dave. A two cans salesman with six kids.

Assistant: Shall I send them away my leash?

Queen: No. Let them say. I love the drama.

Ego: So, what’s up Dave? You got a seven year itch? So you’re joining the march of the damn suttas? Dressed up in a stupid ass BONE ARMOR and get your idiot best friend and bang a drum and call you mighty Prince Harwey?

Archanbald: Um, Prince Harwey?

Ego: Shut up, Archanbald. What the hell are you doing Dave?

Prince Harwey: Being stupid.

Ego: Yeah, being stupid. That’s all you have to say?

Prince Harwey: You look pretty.

Ego: Boy, shut up. We’re going home prince Who-Ha, great satisfier of women. This way. I’m gonna satisfy really.

Assistant: My leash. Next, presenting lady Tawnie of Milford Shile.

[Tawnie walks in]

Tawnie: Love. I noticed a long shot but I thought, “Hey, you know, this girl cute as hell, man.” I might as well just moss my lazy ass all down to the castle and see if she down to clown around.

Queen: I know I like boys. But whenever I have wine I always end up making out with my girlfriends.

Lady Eloise: She does. It’s a thing.

Queen: So, come to the world feasts tonight and we’ll see what happens. Yeah?

Tawnie: Well, this day just got nuts.

Male voice: When we return the story of Mad Queen Tawnie The Terrible

Ghost of Biden Past Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Jin Psaki… Chloe Fineman

Past Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis

Recent Joe Biden… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Joe Biden in his office]

Joe Biden: Send in my Press Secretary Jin  Psaki.

[Jin Psaki walks in]

Jin Psaki: You wanted to see me, sir?

Joe Biden: Jin, I gotta tell you, you were dynamite in those press briefings with your quips and your one liners. What do you call those little zingers?

Jin Psaki: Um, facts. Though I believe the internet calls them Psaki Bombs.

Joe Biden: Yeah. Love that. Lay some of those facts on me.

Jin Psaki: Okay. Your CNN Tom Hall was watched by no one. And your approval rating is in the dumpster.

Joe Biden: Oh. Ice cold Psaki bomb. But ay, things are gonna turn around, right?

Jin Psaki: I’m bad at lying, so I’m gonna leave.

[Jin Psaki walks out]

Joe Biden: I don’t understand. People used to like me. The press would call me uncle Joe. I miss the old me. Where the hell did that guy go?

[Past Joe Biden walks in]

Past Joe Biden: Hey, yo! [cheers and applause] Yeah! Trick or treat, smell my feet. Nah, I’m just joking. How the hell are you, buddy?

Joe Biden: Wait a second. Who are you?

Past Joe Biden: Who am I? What do you mean? I’m you! I’m you from eight years ago, man. The ghost. The Biden past. Boo!

Joe Biden: How can you be me? You seem so happy. So carefree. So– What’s the word I’m looking for?

Past Joe Biden: Lucid?

Joe Biden: Yeah.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah, partner. Well, where I’m from, we’re still VP. Easiest gig in the world. We’re like, America’s wacky neighbor. Just pop in with an ice cream cone, some aviator shades and finger guns. Shake a few hands, rub a few shoulders.

Joe Biden: You know, well, you can’t do that anymore.

Past Joe Biden: What? Which one? Rubbing shoulders or shaking hands?

Joe Biden: Apparently both.

Past Joe Biden: Ah! Come on, man! Loosen up, buddy. Come on. [massaging Joe Biden’s shoulders] What happened to us, huh? We used to be fun, right? Hey, let me get it with. [smells Joe Biden’s ears and grunts] Yeah, that’s good. Yeah, I like that. Do you like that?

Joe Biden: Yeah, I do.

Past Joe Biden: Hey! I hope this doesn’t sound sexist, but you gotta smile more sweetie. Okay?

Joe Biden: It’s hard to smile. The last president ruined everything.

Past Joe Biden: Oh yeah?

Joe Biden: He hung out with pornstars, served McDonald’s to the White House, got into fight with the pope.

Past Joe Biden: Wow! Hillary got awesome.

Joe Biden: Actually–

Past Joe Biden: What?

Joe Biden: Well, never mind.

Past Joe Biden: Okay. Alright.

Joe Biden: Look. I could really use your advice. I’m trying to pass this infrastructure bill but it’s being held up by these two senators. Joe Mansion.

Past Joe Biden: Ah, screw Joe Mansion. The only mansion I care about is the Playboy mansion. Yeah! Whoo! That’s classic 2k13 Biden right there, baby.

Joe Biden: Even worse than him, senator Kyrsten Sinema.

Past Joe Biden: Wait. Senator Sinema? That sounds like a StarWars character. That’s a real person?

[Recent Joe Biden walks in]

Recent Joe Biden: Hey! [cheers and applause] How’s days, fellas? Just checking in.

Past Joe Biden: Who the hell are you?

Recent Joe Biden: I’m Joe Biden.

Past Joe Biden: From when?

Recent Joe Biden: March 2021. You guys good? Need anything?

Joe Biden: Um, we’re okay.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah, we’re good, man.

Recent Joe Biden: Alright. Rock on.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah. Alright.

[Recent Joe Biden walks out]

Joe Biden: Good looking guy.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah. Oh, no, handsome as hell. Yeah. You know, I should probably just mosey on back to 2013. I actually got tickets to a PSY concert. Oppa Gangnam Style! That song’s still popular, right?

Joe Biden: Come on, don’t leave.

Past Joe Biden: What?

Joe Biden: I can’t do this without you.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah, of course you can. Because guess what, buddy. You are me. And I want you to stand tall. I want you to flash those 100% natural choppers we got. And remember, we my be from different eras. But at the end of the day, we’re both…

Joe Biden and Past Joe Biden: Joe freaking Biden! And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update- The Iceberg on the Sinking of the Titanic

Colin Jost

Iceberg… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Next year marks the anniversary of sinking of the Titanic. Here to explain his side of the story is the iceberg that sank the Titanic.

[Iceberg slides in]

Iceberg: Hi, Colin. Thanks for having me. This is always a weird time in the year for me.

Colin Jost: Well, thank you for being here. Just tell us, what was going through your head that fateful night?

Iceberg: Thank you for that question. You know what, Colin? That was a really long time ago. I’ve done a lot of reflecting to trying to move past it. It’s one very small part of me but there’s so much going on beneath the surface that you can’t see.

Colin Jost: Right. Like an iceberg. What would you say though to the families of those who perished in the cold north Atlantic waters that night?

Iceberg: Okay. No. These are not the questions we discussed. This isn’t very nice, Colin.

Colin Jost: What’s not nice?

Iceberg: Sorry, I think my publicist was very clear. I’m not here to talk about the sinking.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, what else would we be talking about?

Iceberg: I’m here to promote my album.

Colin Jost: You have an album?

Iceberg: Yes. It’s a hyper-pop, EDM, new disco fantasia. It’s called ‘Music’.

Colin Jost: Your album is called Music?

Iceberg: Yes. It’s called ‘Music’.

Colin Jost: It’s really cool. I just think that a lot of people might rather hear about the Titanic.

Iceberg: My god. Okay. Wow. Fine, you want to do this? Let’s do this. First of all, you came to where I live and you hit me. It was midnight. I was chilling. Then I hear this Irish cacophony behind me. Not to be offensive, but like, ta-na-na-na-na. I’m sorry. That’s what it sounded like. It was full of river dance. And before I turn around, half my ass is gone! It was my best feature. And I am literally injured. But all everybody cares is like, 40 or 50 people died or whatever.

Colin Jost: Well, it was 1500 people.

Iceberg: Why are you attacking me? You said you’d be my Oprah, Colin.

Colin Jost: No, I never said that.

Iceberg: Someone did. But why are people still talking about this? They bumped into me. I said, “I’m sorry”, which is insane. But whatever. And then they’re playing the violin and yelling, and the old people are like, spooning in the bed ready to die. I was looking at this and I was like, “Oh my god. They’re going to make a movie about this.”

Colin Jost: It sounds like you think you’re the victim here.

Iceberg: Well, everyone’s talking about me. No one’s talking about the water! What did the autopsy say? They iceberged? No! They drowned, bitch! That’s not me. That’s water. But nobody’s canceling the ocean.

Colin Jost: Alright. So, you aren’t taking any responsibility?

Iceberg: Obviously, I hate that 20 or 30 people died or whatever.

Colin Jost: It’s 1500.

Iceberg: But it’s like, “Hey, white star line. You built a bad boat. It didn’t work out. That’s on you, honey.” Now, can we please talk about my album?

Colin Jost: Sure.

Iceberg: Thank you. I’m really proud of it. It’s 12 tracks, no skips, swear to god. This is my new single. I think you’ll like it. It’s called ‘Lover Boy’.

[music playing] [singing] Come on over and kiss me boy
Hold my hand in your brand new house
I know you don’t ever want to miss me boy
so let’s watch a movie tonight in your house

touch me while the room is spinning
kiss me, let’s go eat some dinner
wine me dine me, I had early lunch
I’m hungry for you, lover boy

Colin Jost: The Iceberg from Titanic, everyone.

Iceberg: It’s not my name.

Colin Jost: It’s your name. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.