Tag: of

First Warm Day of the Year Red Carpet Cold Open

Dana Banes… Heidi Gardner

Jace L. Rio… Bowen Yang

Male voice: Live from Central Park, it’s the First Warm day Of the Year Arrivals Show.

Dana: Well folks, it’s mid April here in New York City. And the temperature hit 90 degrees this week, a full two months ahead of schedule. And while that may be terrifying on a climate level, the warm weather can only mean one thing. All the freaks, crazies and weirdos are heading to Central Park. And we’re expecting to see some iconic Park People today, aren’t we Jace?

Jace: We sure are, Dana. The mood here is electric. The smell of Halal food and horse manure is in the air. As I see, yes, I think it’s him. An absolute icon of the park, it’s an older man doing an aggressive power walk.

Mikey: Hi there.

Jace: First, dish on this outfit.

Mikey: Certainly. I’m wearing the tightest spandex shirt of all time. Little shorts and a weird Heart Rate Monitor strapped my arm.

Jace: Iconig. Can you give us a little preview of your walk?

Mike: Absolutely. [Mike starts walking around Jace] Behind you. Behind you. Behind you. On your left. Behind you. And there it is.

Jace: Wow. Gorgeous. Dana.

Dana: Well, Jace, I am starstruck right now as I am joined by not one but two perverts who came to the park to pleasure themselves.

Michael: Nice to be out of the subway.

Dana: I bet. Excited for the big day?

James: Oh, yeah, I got my modesty blanket and my binoculars. So I’m good to go.

Dana: Where should the police been looking for you?

Michael: Oh, come on, you know what to find your boys. In the bushes, baby.

Dana: Any new techniques this year?

James: Oh, just one. [He takes his real hand out of the coat. The hand in his pocket is a fake one.]

Dana: Oh my god. Is that a fake arm?

James: Yeah, yeah, it’s a fake arm.

Dana: Wow. Shame on you both. Jace?

Jace: Well, we were hoping she’d make an appearance. It’s a woman learning to rollerblade.

Molly: Yeah, I’ve always wanted to learn and I thought what better place than on a crowded pathway filled with thousands of people?

Jace: Horrible plan. Let’s see what you got.

Molly: Here I go. Oh, my God. [she falls down]

Jace: And she fell right away. Dana?

Dana: Well, look who I found, two have central parks finest, park employees who do not care about their job. How are you guys feeling?

Devon: We are very high right now. Yeah. Thank you for asking.

Dana: Amazing. Any warnings for those who violate park rules?

Punkie: You do you?

Dana: Inspiring words. Jace, I hear you spotted an absolute legend.

Jace: Well, I hope she’ll stop to talk. It’s a lady trying to tell someone where she is.

Ego: [on phone] Well, I don’t see you, bitch. Bitch, I’m right where I said I’d be. By the big tree. The big tree near the bridge. [walks out]

Jace: Oh, just Mr. Dana.

Dana: He is back. It’s a grown man with a drone who’s alone.

Andrew: Hey there.

Dana: And you won’t be filming girls laying out sunbathing, will you?

Andrew: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Nah.

Dana: I don’t believe you. Now, Jace, this guy is bad. But I hear you’re with one of the worst park people of all.

Jace: I sure am. It’s a guy with the clipboard who wants to know if you have a second for a good cause? Now people absolutely hate you. Can you tell us why?

Marcello: Well, I think it’s because I zero in on folks trying to enjoy themselves and pester them for money.

Jace: Absolutely. Can we see that in action?

Marcello: You bet. [Mikey walks in] Hey, cool shirt.

Mikey: No, no, no, no.

Marcello: Hey, come on. If you have a second for a good cause.

Mikey: I already donated.

Marcello: Come on, it’s two seconds.

Mikey: I’ve already done this before.

Jace: What an absolute pain in the ass. Dana.

Dana: It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s crazy man with the microphone.

Kenan: Good to be back for another year.

Dana: And I see you brought a lady friend with you?

Kenan: Yes, I sure did. This woman will be debating the nonsense that I scream as if I’m a rational man whose mind can be changed.

Dana: Can we get a preview?

Kenan: Oh of course.

Sarah: Our pleasure.

Kenan: Big Pharma created the Coronavirus.

Sarah: That is baloney.

Kenan: I got herpes from 5g.

Sarah: It is not even possible.

Kenan: So something like that.

Dana: Wow. I can’t tell who annoys me more. Jace?

Jace: Well, we’ve been waiting for her to arrive. It’s wealthy woman and child. And I got to ask, what’s the plan today?

Chloe: Well I’m taking Riley here to the playground where I’ll snap into an immediate panic if I lose sight of him for even one second. [the boy is missing already] Riley? [yelling] Riley?

Jace: Oh no.

[Ego walks in still talking on the phone]

Ego: Well, I still don’t see you. You know what? I’m done looking for your bitch. You come find me. I’ll be on the grass in a red bikini getting my ass some sun.

Jace: Well, we’ve got plenty more park people coming up including a woman with a giant out of control dog and a performance by some a whole playing an acoustic guitar. Keep it here and live-

Ego: I see you right now. Okay girl, I’m coming.

Jace and Dana: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update- Gina Bianchi on the Joys of Motherhood

Gina Bianchi… Heidi Gardner

Colin Jost

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that the COVID baby bump is over as fewer Americans are choosing to have kids. Here to comment on the joys of motherhood is Gina Bianchi, a woman with four daughters and one son?

[Gina Bianchi slides in]

Gina Bianchi: Hi. Hey, sweetheart. Oh, you boys look so nice.

Colin Jost: Thank you, Gina. So you’re a mom of five . Tell us about motherhood.

Gina Bianchi: Oh my god. I love it. I mean, so I’ve got my four daughters. And you know, my daughter, they’re fine. But, my son. Oh my god, I love my son. Okay, so he came over last Sunday. He was hungover. I mean, he’s always hungover. What was he doing? He’s in my fridge. Okay, he’s pulling out ham, turkey, mayonnaise. He’s filling up a cooler. He leaves. Doesn’t say bye. I’m cracking up. And my daughter’s, they say, “You can’t take ma’s food. That’s ma’s food.” I say, “Who cares? Girls, shut up.” Anthony’s 38 years old. He’s a growing boy. Oh, my daughter is so annoying. But my son, oh I love my son.

Colin Jost: Right. I got it. So what would you tell someone that’s on the fence about having kids?

Gina Bianchi: They surprise you every day. Like yesterday, my son. [laughing] Oh, what was he doing? Oh, he was going through my wallet. The kid is pulling out $20, $40, $60 bills. He writes himself a check for 14 grand from my checkbook. Okay. What’s he writing on the memo? Putting up with ma. I’m dying over here. I’m dying over here. My daughters say, “That’s ma’s money. You can’t take ma’s money.” I’m like, “Girls, please. You’re not pretty enough to be this irritating.” But my son, oh my god, I love my son.

Colin Jost: Yeah. No, no, we’ve heard a lot about your son. Well, why don’t you tell me about your daughters?

Gina Bianchi: They’re doctors. But my son, he did this hilarious prank last night where he pretended to rob me at gunpoint.

Colin Jost: Oh, no, that’s terrible.

Gina Bianchi: My daughter’s say “You can’t do that.” My daughters? Argh, they bought me a house. But my son? I mean, I would if I could.

Colin Jost: Okay, all right. Well, yeah. Let’s getting back to the topic of parenthood. Do you think your kids are going to have kids someday?

Gina Bianchi: Oh, please. There’s not a woman out there good enough for my son.

Colin Jost: Okay, so Anthony’s single.

Gina Bianchi: No. He’s been married for two years. And I just have this feeling, okay? That she has given him nothing in bed. Like she completely ignores his balls. What?

Colin Jost: Okay. Why are you thinking about that?

Gina Bianchi: Okay. And I bet she’s obsessed with having an orgasm. Like, no honey, that’s not how it works. When he’s done, you’re done.

Colin Jost: Gina Bianchi, everyone.

Gina Bianchi: I love all my kids equally.

Weekend Update- Angel on the Return of Wendy’s Vanilla Frosty

Michael Che

Angel… Heidi Gardner

Creed… Michael B. Jordan

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week Wendy’s announced they’d be bringing back their vanilla frosty after a brief hiatus in 2022. Here to talk about it with her good news report is every boxers girlfriend from every boxing movie about boxing ever.

[Angel slides in]

Angel: Hi, hi.

Michael Che: How are you doing? How are you, Angel?

Angel: I’ve been better.

Michael Che: Does your boyfriend Tommy have a fight tonight?

Angel: He better not. Because the last guy hit Tommy so hard, there’s no more clams in his shoulder. I love him so much. But I swear to God, if he fights again, I’m taking the kids to my sister’s.

Michael Che: Got it. Well, in good news, the Vanilla Frosty is making a comeback.

Angel: Oh, come on.

Michael Che: What is it?

Angel: Wendy’s? You think of a Vanilla Frosty has a shot going up against chocolate? You’re sick? So Vanilla Frosty, if I see you back on the value menu, I’m not taking the kids to Wendy’s. I’m taking the kids to my sister’s. All of them. All of them. Mikey, Nikki, Pepper, Quinoa and the twin.

Michael Che: You’ve been doing okay, Angel?

Angel: Barely, barely. I’m doing a lot better than Tommy I can tell you that. Creed ruined him, Che.

Michael Che: Wait, Tommy fought Adonis Creed.

Angel: Creed hit Tommy so hard, his eye flew out. Landed in Pepper’s lap. The one night I forgot to take the kids on my sister’s.

Michael Che: Jesus.

Angel: So where is he? I know Creed’s here. You’ve been advertising the fight all week. Creed versus Lil Baby live on Peacock.

Michael Che: No. Angel, there’s no fight tonight.

Angel: Oh yeah?

Michael Che: No.

Angel: Then what’s all this? Cameras. Sold out crowd. I’m looking at Jamie Foxx at Gina Gershaun sit in front row next to cocaine bear.

Michael Che: That’s just a black guy sitting next to a white woman in a big coat.

Angel: I don’t care. I want Creed.

[Creed slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Creed: Angel.

Angel: Adonis creed, you know you’re the reason my kids dad watches more sesame street than they do?

Creed: You ever think about us, Angel?

Angel: Don’t.

Creed: Huh? Remember? Before Tommy, there was Creedy.

Angel: You remember Lil Nicky? He’s yours, Creed.

Creed: What? Tommy never asked why one of his kids is black?

Angel: Tommy don’t see color.

Creed: That’s nice.

Angel: No, he don’t see any color, numbers or shapes. His potato is baked, Creedy.

Creed: Angel, look at me. You’re coming home with me tonight.

Angel: But what about Tommy? What about the kids?

Creed: Listen, from now on, I’m taking the kids to your sister’s.

[Angel and Creed hug each other]

Michael Che: Every boxer’s girlfriend and Adonis Creed, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Father of the Bride

George… Steve Martin

Annie… Heidi Gardner

Diane Keaton… Chloe Fineman

Martin Short… Franck

Bowen Yang

Selena Gomez

[Starts with a video clip of a beautiful house]

Male voice: This is our home. 24 Maple drive. We bought it when Annie was in grammar school. She even got married here. So many memories.

[Cut to Steve looking outside the window.]

Heidi: Hey, daddy.

Steve: Is that my beautiful daughter?

Heidi: Guess what? I’m engaged again.

Male voice: Father of the Bride, Part 8. Three decades and seven divorces later, Annie’s back and ready to give marriage an 8th shot.

Steve: Annie, what makes you think I can afford an 8th dancy Meyers style wedding? I’m financially drained.

Heidi: But daddy, I’m your little girl.

Steve: You’re 52. Your mom started driving for Lyft to pay your last wedding.

Chloe: Well, jeez. Okay, so did someone say mom?

Male voice: Diane Keaton is back. And more Diane Keaton than ever. She’s an icon in beige. And we’re here for her.

Steve: So who the hell is planning this thing? Don’t tell me… Oh my god, don’t tell me it’s…

[Martin and Bowen walks in]

Martin: Hello. Oh my favorite. Look at you. Hello George.

Steve: No, not again, Franck. I can’t do this, Howard.

Bowen: Hi, George. You still have an outstanding balance from the 5th wedding. You owe me fro the shrimp tower and the two performances by Nicki Minaj.

Heidi: Oh, daddy, can we get Nikki again?

Martin: Of course, now, this is fantastic [unintelligible]. And if you don’t have that, you don’t know what you’re doing, George.

George: What?

Male voice: That’s right. Martin Short is back as the beloved wedding planner Franck, doing the accent that I think is still okay. Let’s all agree that it’s okay.

Franck: So Anne, you’re looking a little used goods. This is fantastic news. Because these are not… I’ve seen bigger lumps in oatmeal. So put them together and make one good one or do something or get the fake one. Whatever you do, it look lovely. But I think you need a little plucking, a little pumping, a little tugging and maybe down there a little, you know, procedure.

Steve: Oh, are you suggesting I pay for my daughter’s vaginal rejuvenation?

[Carrie walks in]

Carrie: Eww. Can we not talk about my sister’s privates right now? I feel like I might blow chunks.

Male voice: Did you forget Carrie Colton was in this movie. So did we. And so did he. But he was. And now he’s on succession. So good for him. And it wouldn’t be a wedding without the whole family there.

Carrie: My sister in a wedding dress? Gross to the max. Oh, by the way, no cake for me. I have a colonoscopy tomorrow.

Franck: But she’s so beautiful. What that mature brain.

Steve: You really are beautiful, Anne, my little girl. My little menopausal girl.

Franck: This is so nice. Father with the bride. But time for the big surprise. Your wedding performer.

[Selena Gomez walks in]

Selena: Hi. What’s up? I’m the wedding singer.

Heidi: My god. Selena Gomez. You’re even more beautiful in real life.

Selena: I know. Thanks.

George: Franck, how much is she gonna cost me

Selena: 1.8 million, easy.

Franck: Oh, come on George, singing to everybody. Let’s sing.

All: Every party has a pooper,
that’s why we invited you,
party pooper!

 

Weekend Update- Michael Longfellow on Being a Child of Divorce During the Holidays

Colin Jost

Michael Longfellow

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, it’s the holiday season which can be especially tough for children of divorce. Here to comment is child of divorce, Michael Longfellow.

Michael Longfellow: Happy Holidays, everyone. Happy Holidays, Colin.

Colin Jost: Happy Holidays, Michael. So your parents are divorced. Was that hard for you?

Michael Longfellow: No. I was a tiny little baby. I have no memory of them ever being together. To be honest, until I got older, I wasn’t even sure if they knew each other. I remember one time a kid on the playground told me, “You know your parents had sex to have you?” And I was like, “Well, I don’t think they’ve met. So that’s stupid.”

Colin Jost: Oh, sure you were aware at some point they’d met right?

Michael Longfellow: I wasn’t, and don’t call me Shirley. Snakes on a Plane?

Colin Jost: It’s not Snakes on a Plane. Okay. All right. Obviously, the holidays must have been more difficult with divorced parents.

Michael Longfellow: I disagree. There are perks to having parents that are always getting married and you know divorced and married again. You ever asked for a brother for Christmas and actually get one? I have. And I don’t have to wait for him to grow up. He came off the shelf ready to go. We were playing catch that day.

Colin Jost: Wow, that must have been nice.

Michael Longfellow: Must have it. It was.I’m sorry. And brothers aren’t the only thing divorce has given me. It’s given me sisters, moms, dads, and all of different genres. Like you have my real dad, who’s very strict and quiet and wear suits. And then you have my newest dad Terry, who’s a semi nudist. I’ve seen naked 43 times.

Colin Jost: Wait, what?

Michael Longfellow: And I’ll tell you this, Colin, when you see your mom’s boyfriend naked, you think a lot of things, but you don’t think it’s gonna happen 42 more times.

Colin Jost: Well, at least hope he has a nice body.

Michael Longfellow: Why?

Colin Jost: No, I don’t know. Nevermind. So, are you saying you then pro divorce?

Michael Longfellow: Well, my dad is a divorce attorney. So put food on my table.

Colin Jost: Wait, so your father is a divorce attorney who’s also been divorced?

Michael Longfellow: Multiple times. I mean, this guy walks the walk. Is he a bad husband or a workaholic? Man as an artist. He’s out in the field getting his hands dirty. But he was still a great dad. Like, he told me everything a kid should know. Brush your teeth, do your homework. If infidelity can’t be proven, they’re only entitled to 30%. And it’s not easy to prove in a court of law. Text messages are not enough.

Michael Che: Hmm, it’s good to know.

Colin Jost: So it sounds then that your dad enjoys his work.

Michael Longfellow: Oh, absolutely. In fact, he met his current wife because he handled her divorce. Some would say that’s a conflict of interest, but I just say he’s got that dog in him.

Colin Jost: Michael Longfellow, everyone.

Michael Longfellow: And don’t call me Shirley.

House of the Dragon

Silky/ARhaenan… Dave Chappelle

Rhaenyra … Chloe Fineman

Daemon… Michael Longfellow

Guard… Mikey Day

Corlys Velaryon… Kenan Thompson

Baela… Punkie Johnson

Rhaena… Ego Nwodim

King… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with Dave Chappelle on SNL stage]

Dave Chappelle: Anyone out here watching this new show ‘House of Dragons’? I am the biggest Game of Thrones fan. I love the new show. And I gotta tell yo,u I love that they’re including black characters. But to be honest, the black characters— They take me out of it a little bit with the— It’s that blonde hair and the old time accents. It’s a little jarring. Like, where are these people from? You know what I mean? And then they’re coming out with season two, I guess soon. And somehow Lorn Daemons arranged a sneak peek of season two of House of Dragons exclusive. so check it out.

[cheers and applause]

[cut to sneak peek of season two of House of Dragons]

Rhaenyra: Before we go to war with King’s Landing, we must know who our true allies are.

Daemon: These represent all of our possible alliances, Your Grace.

Rhaenyra: Thank you, Daemon.

Daemon: And I prepared this family tree so we know who the hell everyone is.

Rhaenyra: Yes, because our names are insane and sound identical.

Daemon: I’ve also prepared a chart of who’s having sex with whom. And weirdly enough, it’s the same as a family tree.

Guard: You are the visitor Your Grace. Lord of the tides, the sea snake himself, Corlys Velaryon.

Rhaenyra: Lord Corlys, this is a most welcome surprise. Where have you come from?

Corlys: The Matrix. Just kidding.

Daemon: You must have been at sea a long time then.

Corlys: Oh, of course. This is where my people are most comfortable. The ocean. Yeah, we especially love being on ships. Never have any concerns with ships or what might happen to us on ships.

Rhaenyra: Have you come alone?

Corlys: Oh no, no, I brought my granddaughters Baela and Rhaena.

Baela: Greetings, Your Grace.

Rhaena: So happy to have traveled 40 days by ship in this ballgown, Your Grace.

Daemon: It’s wonderful to see you. Since you are betrothed to my nephews/stepsons, Jason and Luke.

Baela: Yeah, I look at my future husband and I think he is definitely going to satisfy me sexually.

Rhaenyra: And to what do we owe the honor of your visit lord Corlys?

Corlys: Yeah, well, you know, I know that you are in need of allies now that your father has died.

King: Died? [he’s walking as his face is bleeding]

Corlys: Oh my god, man, what has happening with your face?

King: The doctor says it’s nothing. Just a little cough and my skin melted and my eye fell.

Corlys: Well, I found you some new allies from even further away lands that have come to pay their respects to the true queen.

Dave: [walking in] Well, well, well. Good to see you, Your Grace. Cousin Daemon, well, haven’t ever seen in long time. How does it feel to have sex with your niece? Yuck.

Dave’s wife: This whole family is like the sun took a look and said, “No, thank you.”

Dave: Your Majesty looks like you got a case of the monkey pox. You’re gonna die any minute, ain’t you?

King: Yeah, yeah.

Dave: Well, if it isn’t our cousin, light-skinned Larry Targaryen.

Larry: [Chuckles] Silky, your hoes are so old, their titties give powdered milk.

Dave: You look like E.T. when they dressed him up for Halloween.

Larry: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! All that was hateful, man.

Dave: Your Jheri curls are getting a little dry.

Dave’s wife: That’s that dragon spray.

Guard: More visitors approach.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Dave: Pardon me, Your Grace, but I think your penis just fell off. If you don’t want it anymore, can I keep it? Might be able to get some money for that.

Rhaenyra: Who is this foul man?

Dave: I came here for some dragon rocks. I’m down to my last one.

Guard: What the hell is going on here?

Dave: You mind if I, um, get a light? [He’s asking fire to light his cigarette. He raises his hand holding a cigarette. The dragons comes behind him.] Dracarys. [The dragon breathes the fire and he lights his cigarette]

Rhaenyra: Be gone, all of you.

Corlys: Oh, no, there’s more.

Dave: I’m one of the baddest mother Westeros has ever seen. One of the best singers and one of the best dancers, too. I’m ARhaenan Targaryen, bitch, rider of dragons. I heard you like to ride lizards. Want to ride mine, Your freaking Majesty?

[There are dragons flying in the sky. There are Targarians riding the dragon. They have seats in shape of motorcycles on the dragon’s back.]

Tar: Take me to Flea Bottom so I can check on my hoes.

Dave: What up, Tar? I got a dragon now.

Dave: No, dragon.

[While they’re riding dragons, there’s red siren lights flashing]

Dave: Good God, it’s the police. What are they doing all the way up here? No matter how high I fly, they always find you, don’t they?

Weekend Update Russia Annexes Parts of Ukraine Hurricane Ian Hits Florida

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Vladimir Putin at left top corner.]

In a speech after annexing sections of Ukraine, Vladimir Putin attacked the US for Satanism and denounced the many genders and fashion in the West. It was a hateful, unhinged speech which has many Americans calling him electable.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture from red Square Celebration at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The Kremlin celebrated the illegal annexation of Ukraine with a night of entertainment in Red Square. Say what you will but gigs a gig.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Russia at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The US embassy in Moscow is urging all American citizens in Russia to leave immediately. “Oh, cool. I’ll try to do that said” Brittney Griner.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ron DeSantis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Hurricane Ian hit Florida this week and Governor Ron DeSantis called it a 500 year flooding event. In fact, it’s such a historic tragedy that DeSantis won’t let them teach about it in Florida schools.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: At White House event, President Biden asked if representative Jackie Walorski was in the audience, asking “Where’s Jackie,” apparently forgetting she died last month.  Worse, worse, he keeps forgetting that this woman is still alive. [picture changes to Kamala Harris]

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Ted Cruz at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The Electoral Count Reform Act was approved by all members of a Senate committee except for Ted Cruz. Coincidentally, everyone except for Ted Cruz is also who Jesus loves.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s piacture of Ginni Thomas and her husband at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Ginni Thomas, who’s begging you to notice the scarf, said she can say, “Oh, this old thing?” Reportedly told the committee that her husband was unaware of her involvement and challenges to the 2020 election, and they never discuss any case before the court. And if there’s one thing I believe, is that this guy doesn’t talk to his wife.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Marjorie Taylor Greene at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene revealed that her husband has filed for divorce after 27 years of marriage. He officially blamed irreconcilable differences for the split while she blamed the Jews.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden with Ketanji Brown Jackson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Biden on Friday attended a formal ceremony welcoming justice Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court. Said Biden, “And where’s Justice Ginsburg? Ruth, come on up here.”

Weekend Update Rock Roll Hall of Fame Inductees Worlds Oldest Living Dog

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of USA map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new report shows that about 6 million Americans now identify as Afro Latino. Afro Latina was also what spirit Halloween calls the unlicensed Bruno Mars costume.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of empire state building at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New York City has launched a new campaign to stop speeding in the city with a series of signs designed to scare drivers. The terrifying science read simply “Entering New Jersey.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Dolly Parton, Eminem, Lionel Richie and Carly Simon at right top corner]

Michael Che: Rock and Roll Hall of Fame announced that Dolly Parton would be inducted this year, along with Eminem, Lionel Richie and Carly Simon, which begs the question what is rock and roll?

[picture changes to Jackie Robinson at right top corner.]

A bat used by Jackie Robinson was sold at auction for more than $1 million. The bat is considered to be so valuable because Robinson used it in an all star game and also to get back to his car safely.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Quantas flight logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Quantas has announced plans for a new direct flight from New York to Australia that will take 19 hours. Not to be outdone, Spirit Airlines announced the new flight from New York to Philadelphia that will also take 19 hours.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a cave at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Archeologists have discovered 1000 year old drawings in a cave in Alabama and guys, they’re bad. Really bad drawings.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Lawmaker watches porn in house chamber” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A British lawmaker resigned after admitting that he watched porn on his phone in the chambers of Parliament, which seems pretty tame considering our congress allows full penetration. [changes to picture from Capitol riot] Colleagues knew he was watching porn when a vote passed by a count of 650 yays to one “oh my god yay”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a diamond at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Oh, Colin. A 220 carat diamond known as The Rock will become the largest white diamond ever auctioned off. Wow. 220 carats. I mean, can you imagine the size of the child who mined that? Kid’s huge.

[Cut to Colin Jost. Theres a picture of an article that says “Woman in penis costume stabbed”]

Colin Jost: Happy Mother’s Day. A woman in a bachelorette party in Scotland was attacked while wearing an inflatable penis costume. The woman says she’s still throbbing in her head feels like it’s ready to explode.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Guinness World record logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The record for the world’s oldest dog has been broken by a 21 year old Chihuahua named Timothy Charlemagne. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Queen Moves Out of Buckingham Palace Box of Heads Stolen

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of “The Gilded Age” show logo at right top corner]

Michael Che: The new HBO show “Gilded Age” is being praised for highlighting wealthy black families that lived in New York in the late 1800s, until they were driven out by wealthy industrialist Colin Jost I (Colin Jost the first). [Picture changes to an edited photo of Colin Jost from 1800s].

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Buckingham Palace at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Queen Elizabeth II has permanently moved out of Buckingham Palace and this is weird, in with John Mayer. [Picture changes to edited picture of John Mayer and Queen Elizabeth II.]

[Picture changes to an article that says “Box of heds stolen from truck” at left top corner.]

Thief in Colorado broke into a truck and stole a box of human heads. Even more disturbing, it was an Arby’s truck.

Male voice: [commercial] Arby’s, we have the human heads.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of John Travolta and Lupita Nyong’o at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Produces for this year’s Oscars announced that presenters will include John Travolta and Lupita Nyong’o, or as Travolta calls her, the wickedly talented Lucrecia Bonobos.

[Picture changes to a laptop]

New report shows that during the pandemic meth users met online to use the drug together, mostly on the popular meth user app, Tooth Grindr. You get it?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of rivers, mountains and trees at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The US government announced that it would rename more than 600 rivers, mountains and other landmarks that use a racial slur for Native American women. Wow. So we changed those names but they can still just call a restaurant Cracker Barrel?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked on 8th March, Michael Che0Michael CheMichael Che at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Tuesday was International Women’s Day . So hopefully you remember to smile.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Scientists could bring back extinct rat” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Scientists are saying that by using new gene editing technology, they could bring back the extinct Christmas Island rat… or not! The other option is not.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a train at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A video has gone viral of a man urinating on a New York City subway while other passengers appeared not to care, but they were probably too nervous to say something because I’m on TV.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a cartoon that says “I need a new butt!” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: An Assistant Principal in elementary school in Mississippi was fired after he read the class a children’s book “I need a new butt!”. The book is about a lovable rabbit who just ate at Chipotle.

Weekend Update Dan Bulldozer on the Impact of Social Media

Michael Che

Dan Bulldozer… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Recent study showed that social media is making young people unhappy and insecure about their own lives. Here to comment is lifestyle influencer Dan Bulldozer.

[Dan Bulldozer slides in]

Dan Bulldozer: Great, man, what’s going on? Y’all gotta legit set up.

Michael Che: Thanks. Yeah. So, Dan, you’re super rich and you just show off your crazy life on Instagram, right?

Dan Bulldozer: Something like that. Yeah. So I basically wanted life, straight up. Just like parties on the yacht, vapes everywhere, snowboarding with like, a bazooka. My life is insane.

Michael Che: Yeah, that’s cool, man.

Dan Bulldozer: Che, asked me how many girls I’m dating right now.

Michael Che: How many girls are you dating?

Dan Bulldozer: 940?

Michael Che: Okay, cool, man.

Dan Bulldozer: It is cool. I agree. So yeah, I’m dating the 900 girls. I got the new book, which like, why is writing so easy? You just have to type it out.

Michael Che: You’re writing a book?

Dan Bulldozer: Yeah, man. It’s kind of like Hemmingway, but for guys. That’s me writing about my struggles with shirts.

Michael Che: So it’s like a memoir.

Dan Bulldozer: Yeah, it’s the moving story of me stacking cash, blowing clouds and changing the world through positivity. It’s called Ass Book.

Michael Che: Wow, that’s good for you. And I gotta ask, despite all the success, how do you stay so down to earth?

Dan Bulldozer: Let me put it this way. Do you know the ancient story of the farmer and the crow?

Michael Che: No, I don’t think I do.

Dan Bulldozer: Ah! So it’s like, farmer has three dogs. He’s a very wise farmer. First dog goes to the farmer and says “I saw a crow.” Farmer says “Maybe.” Second dog goes the farmer says, “Dad. I saw a crow.” Daddy says, “Maybe.” Then the crow goes to like an old maid or just like a cobbler. And then the first girl– I’m trying to remember.

Michael Che: Hey, are you alright, Dan?

Dan Bulldozer: Yeah, yeah, just the point of the story is like, everything is just insane!

Michael Che: Okay, that’s it?

Dan Bulldozer: I think so.

Michael Che: Hey, man. Are you happy?

Dan Bulldozer: No, no.

Michael Che: Dan Bulldozer, everybody.

Dan Bulldozer: My life is crazy.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.