William… Drake
The Speaker… Taran Killam
Dick Patterson… Beck Bennett
Cecily Strong
[Starts with the Office of the Speaker of the House.]
William: Mr. speaker, how was your meeting with Donald Trump?
The Speaker: Well, it went very well, William, but between me and you, he still makes me very nervous.
William: Me too, sir.
The Speaker: Yeah, bud. It is mid-May. We don’t have time to find a third party candidate.
William: Actually, sir, I think I found the perfect guy. He’s a successful businessman.
The Speaker: That’s great.
William: He worked for Reagan in the 80s.
The Speaker: Oh, fantastic.
William: And he has the body of a baby.
The Speaker: I’m sorry, what was that last one?
William: Please meet Mr. Patterson, sir.
[Dick Patterson walks in. He is a full grown man who cannot control his body well like that of baby’s. He is moving his arms and legs everywhere.]
Dick Patterson: Hello. Don’t get up. I’ll come to you. There we go. Mr speaker, Dick Patterson. Pleased to meet you.
The Speaker: Pleasure is all mine. [Dick Patterson starts licking and sucking The Speaker’s hand] Oh, okay. William here was just telling me some wonderful things about you, Mr. Patterson. Uh, would you give us just one moment please?
[The Speaker walks to the corner with William]
William: Isn’t he great? I mean, he’s fresh faced. He’s experienced. The best of all, he’s young.
The Speaker: Yeah, exactly. How young is he? He’s 5The Speaker and nine months. And we’ve already done a thorough background check.
Dick Patterson: Oh, don’t worry. You won’t find any skeletons in my closet.
The Speaker: [reading Dick Patterson’s files] Alright, well let me take a look here.
[While Dick Patterson is reading the file, Dick Patterson cannot see his face covered by the file.]
Dick Patterson: Where’d he go?
[Dick Patterson lowers the file]
Oh, there he is.
[Dick Patterson raises the file again]
Where’d he go?
[Dick Patterson lowers the file]
Oh, there he is.
[Dick Patterson raises the file again]
Where’d he go?
[Dick Patterson lowers the file]
Oh, there he is. He keeps disapp–
[Dick Patterson raises the file]
Where’d he go?
[Dick Patterson lower the file]
There he is. Found him.
The Speaker: Well, this all looks great. Now, Mr. Patterson. As you know, Donald Trump is technically our nominee, but uh, many people think we’d be better off putting a Turkey on the Supreme court.
[Dick Patterson laughs like a baby]
Dick Patterson: Very funny. Listen, I would be honored to represent this party. [Dick Patterson has his hands moving everywhere] I’m pro-life. I’m pro family and I’m pro guns. I’m actually carrying right now. [Dick Patterson shows a gun in his left hand which is moving everywhere. William and The Speaker are scared.]
The Speaker: Sit down. No, no, no, no, no.
Dick Patterson: Fair enough.
The Speaker: Now before this conversation can go any further, we’re going to need you to sign this confidentiality agreement.
Dick Patterson: Oh, sure. Yeah. Just put it on the floor.
[Dick Patterson lies down on the floor]
[The Speaker puts the papers on the floor]
Alright. Let me take a look at this.
[Dick Patterson is looking at the paper]
Alright.
[Dick Patterson signs the papers very roughly]
All set.
The Speaker: I’m sorry, William. I just don’t know if this, we’ll call him man, is ready to be president.
William: Trust me sir. He’s committed. He’s passionate. He’s a hard worker. I mean, look how hard he’s working to get back onto his butt right now.
Dick Patterson: Look. I did it. [clapping for himself]
William: Speaker, I know we’re probably going to go with Trump, but Mr. Patterson would be an excellent backup. He’s tough. He’s prepared. And he’s, he’s, he’s taken off.
[Dick Patterson opens his pants. He’s wearing a diaper.]
Dick Patterson: Okay. There we go. That’s better.
William: Sir, sir, sir. You can just go ahead and put your pants back on if you will.
Dick Patterson: When I don’t want pants.
[Cecily walks in]
Cecily: Mr. speaker. Sorry to interrupt. You have a two o’clock with Reince Priebus.
[Dick Patterson walks to Cecily]
Dick Patterson: Oh wow. Look at that hair.
[Dick Patterson starts pulling Cecily’s hair]
Cecily: Thank you.
Dick Patterson: Yeah. Really great hair. I love this.
[Cecily is in pain]
Cecily: Thank you so much.
[Cecily gets Dick Patterson’s hands off her hair]
Wow. Quite a grip you’ve got there, Mr. Patterson.
[Cecily leaves]
William: He may have the body of a baby, but his hands are much bigger and stronger than Trump’s if I had to say.
The Speaker: Oh, William. Well, Mr. Patterson, I guess I just have one question left for you. Do you actually want to be president? Think really hard about it.
Dick Patterson: Hmm. [thinking] Yes I do.
William: Alright, you’re our best option, so bring it in.
[William hugs Dick Patterson. Dick Patterson starts kissing William’s face]
Oh, that’s not what we– Oh, okay. I just asked for a hug, but this is fine too. He must be hungry and he’s trying to latch onto me.
The Speaker: [frustrated] It was great meeting you, Mr. Patterson. Enjoy your lunch.
Dick Patterson: I’m gonna eat peas.
[Dick Patterson crawls out]
[The End]