FBI Field Simulator

Cecily Strong

Taran Killam

Pete Davidson

O’Heli… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with FBI Academy Quantico VA.]

Cecily: Alright, cadets. You wanna be an FBI agent, [showing a handgun] you gotta pass firearm training. This straight simulator designed to evaluate your ability to asses when and when not to use deadly force. You will use this infrared light pistol to shoot at our lifelike target dummies. Some are harmless civilians while others are–

[Cut to dummy]

Dummy: I’m gonna kill you.

[Cecily shoots at him]

Cecily: –need to get dropped.

Pete: Damn, that’s so realistic.

Cecily: Yeah. Only the best for you clowns. Any questions.

O’Heli: Ha-ha. Yeah, who’s got the highest score in this game?

Cecily: Hilarious, O’Heli. You think of that when you’re sitting on the can this morning?

O’Heli: No, just now.

Cecily: Well, why don’t you go first since you’re so good at warming up the crowd. Star it up!

[starting bell rings and O’Heli gets ready] [First dummy appears. He is a thug with a gun.]

Dummy: See you in hell.

[O’Heli shoots at him]

Cecily: Nice shot.

[Next dummy appears. She is an old lady.]

Dummy: My cat ran away. Help me.

[O’Heli doesn’t shoot at her]

Cecily: Um, good read.

[Next dummy appears with an orange suit on and a telephone in his hand]

Dummy: I’m Kevin Roberts and I’m the coolest fish in town. Where’s the party?

[O’Heli gets confused, so he shoots.]

Cecily: Pull it! O’Heli! You wanna tell me why you just shot an innocent civilian?

O’Heli: I apologize. Thug with a gun, clearly bad. Nice old lady, obviously good. Then you got Kevin Roberts. I mean I couldn’t get a read on a man on neon suit holding a big old cell phone claiming to be the coolest bitch in town. It just didn’t seem to fit a type.

Cecily: Ya, okay. This simulator is designed to see how you’ll react in the real world. And it’s not all bank robbers and girl scouts out there, okay? There’s people like Kevin Roberts. Head scratchers. Wild cards. And you don’t use your weapon just because somebody confuses you.

O’Heli: Again, that was my bad. In my defense, I’m pretty confident that type of man does not exist in society. I mean it looks like he came out of 1980s computer game.

Cecily: [sarcastically] Yeah, thanks O’Heli. We value your feedback. Let’s get back to it.

[The bell rings] [A dummy appears. She has a shotgun and she is yelling] [O’Heli shoots at her.] [Another dummy appears. She is just a normal looking girl.]

Dummy: Oh, no! I left my backpack on the school bus.

[O’Heli doesn’t shoot her]

Cecily: Um, there you go. Good control, O’Heli.

[The same dummy on an orange suit appears with the same telephone]

Dummy: I’m Kevin Roberts and I got a very important question. Can a bitch get a doughnut? Now let’s dance. [music playing and the dummy is dancing] See you on a flip side.

Pete: Yo, did that guy just say, “Can a bitch get a doughnut?”

O’Heli: [looking confused] Who the hell designed this thing?

Cecily: Hey, keep your head in the game.

[Another dummy appears. He is wearing yellow suit.]

Dummy: Have you seen my friend Kevin Roberts? Coz I got the bitch a doughnut!

O’Heli: Why does Kevin Roberts have friends in the story line?

Cecily: Focus! Do not let it throw you!

[Another dummy appears. He’s wearing a black leather jacket.]

Dummy: I don’t mean any trouble.

[Dummy puts his hand inside his jacket pocket]

O’Heli: Oh, he’s reaching into his jacket. What’s he doing? What’s he got in there?

[The dummy in orange suit appears simultaneously]

Dummy in orange suit: Breaking news, Kevin Roberts just got his second base with a lady.

O’Heli: No! Go away Kevin Roberts.

[The dummy in black leather jacket shoots at O’Heli]

Dummy in leather jacket: Did pig!

Cecily: Wow! And now you’re dead. Not good, O’Heli.

O’Heli: Kevin Roberts got in my head. He said he got that second base and I was like, “Who would do that with Kevin Roberts?” Being a field agent means dealing with human puzzles like Kevin Roberts, maybe I belong behind a desk. Sorry I wasted the bureau’s time.

Cecily: Don’t apologize to me, O’Heli. You go apologize to the portrait of the man who dedicated his life to designing this simulator.

[Cut to a photograph of the man in orange suit. He is the Chief Designer of the simulator.] [The End]