OJ Address

OJ Simpson… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a screen capture of someone using Twitter. There he sees OJ Simpson’s video and plays it.] [Cut to OJ Simpson’s video. He is holding a golf stick in his hand. He is outside the door of a house.]

OJ Simpson: Hey, Twitter. It’s me, America’s dad, OJ Simpson. I just want to send a big shoutout to my man Lauren Michaels and the whole gang over at SNL for doing another SNL at home. I know y’all thought y’all only gonna do one, and then you realized you had to do another one. Trust me, I can relate. But I’m glad that y’all are doing it because everybody could use a good laugh these days. People are just too uptight and paranoid. You know, just the other day, I took my mask off in a grocery store for two seconds. And you would have thought that I had killed somebody. Some lady screamed at me. “Nobody wants you here. You shouldn’t be out.” Which I understand the point. I mean, at my age I am at risk for the virus. But she had to throw a damn coffee at my face. Boy, people make me so mad sometimes. I just– [breathes out and throws his golf stick away]

Anyway, so, now I’m following all the rules. You ain’t got to worry about the juice. I got my gloves, [showing golf gloves] that’s right. And I got my mask. [showing hockey mask] So, there’s no reason to hate me. Okay?

[horn honking]

Stranger: You’re a monster, OJ.

OJ Simpson: Hey, you know it, my friend. He must have saw my drive over on 14. As I was saying, don’t worry about the juice, alright? I’m gonna be fine. I mean, even if I did get corona, you know I’ll beat it. I can beat anything. Well, I might not want to go that far. I mean, just my luck. I get the corona and beat it, and then I get taken out later on down the line by a lesser more harmless disease that was mine in the first place and I was just taking it back! Boy, just thinking about getting stick makes me so mad I could just–

But anyway, remember to follow me on tiktok. Yeah, there’s fun little alibies of me goofing around.  Ha-ha-ha. Alright, the juice is loose. And hey, Lauren, ease up on my boy Trump, man. He’s a good guy. Am I right?

Jurassic Park Auditions

Hugh Grant… Alex Moffat

Alan Alda, Al Pacino, Clint Eastwood… Bill Hader

Ellen DeGeneres, Lisa Kudrow, Jodie Foster… Kate McKinnon

Wesley Snipes, Jaleel White… Chris Redd

Roseanne Barr… Aidy Bryant

Gwen Stefoni… Melissa Villaseñor

Joey Lawrence… Kyle Mooney

Drew Barrymore… Heidi Gardner

Pee Wee Herman… Mikey Day

Whoopi Golberg… Leslie Jones

Adam Sandler… Pete Davidson

Sinbad, OJ Simpson… Kenan Thompson

Eddie Vedder… Luke Null

[starts with video clips from the Jurassic Park]

Male voice: 25 years ago, Steven Spielberg opened the door to Jurassic Park. And inside those doors, spoiler alert, were dinosaurs. Now, as part of the 25th anniversary rerelease, you can watch the original 1992 screen test.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Hugh Grant for Dr. Alan Grant.

Hugh Grant: [speaking fast] Yes. Hate to be a bother but if you look behind you, there’s a bit of a T-Rex. And I thought perhaps we should move faster? To escape? It’s a rather large teeth.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Alon Alda for Muldoon.

Alon Alda: [acting like he’s holding a gun] Clever girl. When dinosaur comes out and attacks me? Oh, you guys, that is great. That is just terrific. And how you guys gonna shoot the dinosaurs? Is it gonna be forced perspective? You know, that’s how we shot Jamie Farr on “Mash.” Yeah, I know. He’s only about two feet tall.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Ellen DeGeneres for Dr. Sattler.

Ellen DeGeneres: Alright, wow. That’s a gigantic pile of dino poop. I’ve had stools on stage before but this is ridiculous. I’m just kidding. I’m 90’s Ellen.

[Cut to Wesley Snipes]

Wesley Snipes: Hey, I’m telling y’all. Spend your money. Alright? IRS can’t take it if it’s already spent. Can’t take something already gone. That’s a tax loophole for you, brother.

Director: Wesley.

Wesley Snipes: Huh?

Director: Could we get the line?

Wesley Snipes: Oh, yeah.  Bingo, dino DNA. Now, if y’all want my accountant’s number it’s 1900–

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Roseanne Barr for John Hammond.

Roseanne Barr: Welcome to Jurassic Park.

Director: Nope.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Adam Sandler for Muldoon.

Adam Sandler: Alright. Thank you.

[singing in squeaky voice] turkey lurkey doo and turkey lurkey dee
I like the T-Rex, does T-Rex like me?

[screaming] Just shut up!

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Whoopi Golberg as Dr. Sattler.

Whoopi Goldberg: Well, let’s talk about it. Coz the last thing I need right now is dinosaurs. And then, I’ll get he dinosaur look like [making face] [Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Pee Wee Herman.

Pee Wee Herman: Ha-ha. Uh-uh-uh! You didn’t say the magic word. Ha! Ha! Ha-ha.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Drew Barrymore for Dr. Sattler.

Drew Barrymore: [in shaky voice] There are brontosauruses and brachiosauruses and apatosauruses. But I have to wonder, are we playing god?.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Joey Lawrence from Blossom.

Director: Okay, react to seeing a dinosaur for the first time.

Joey Lawrence: Whoa!

Director: Alright. Wanna try anything else?

Joey Lawrence: No!

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Gwen Stefoni as the teenage girl.

Gwen Stefoni: I’m just a girl. Don’t need me, big dinosaur.

Director: Can we get a frighten scream?

Gwen Stefoni: [in girly way] Oooh!

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Sinbad.

[Sinbad is there with a mic doing standup.]

Sinbad: Now, y’all know that my wife is a triceratops, right? Yeah. I wait downstairs while she tries on several touch. How y’all doing? Y’all good?

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Al Pacino.

Al Pacino: Welcome to Jurassic Park, you dumb [bleep].

Director: Hey, Al Pacino, this movie is supposed to be PG.

Al Pacino: PG? That’s gonna be a [bleep] nightmare for this guy. No, no, no, no, no, no. Alright, which dinosaur do I buy the cocaine from?

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Lisa Kudrow.

Lisa Kudrow: Well, there’s T-Rex. And must- must move faster. Must move faster. Oh, no. Oh, no. Must move faster.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Jaleel White.

Director: Okay, so you just let all the dinosaurs loose on the island.

Jaleel White: Did I do that? I got bitches in my trailer. I gotta go, man.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Eddie Vedder for the soundtrack.

Eddie Vedder: [singing] Raptors are opening, opening the door. Daddy!

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Jodie Foster as Mr. DNA.

Jodie Foster: [whispering] Sometimes a mosquito would get caught in the sap. It was so sticky. So sticky.

Director: Could you try it a little happier?

Jodie Foster: [whispering] That’s the happiest I’ve ever been. Today is my birthday.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: OJ Simpson.

OJ Simpson: Okay. So, if I did let the dinosaurs out, let me tell you how I would have done it. Hypothetically. Man, 1992. Phew. It is good to be OJ right now. Ain’t nothing gonna slow this train down. Go, OJ, Go.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Clin Eastwood. Take one.

Clint Eastwood: Welcome to Jurassic Park. [he has think long fake dinosaur tail] [Cut to Jurassic Park video bumper]

Male voice: The 25th anniversary , Jurassic Park.

First Date

Amelia… Gal Gadot

OJ Simpson… Kenan Thompson

Waiter… Chris Redd

Waitress… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with OJ and Amelia in a restaurant on a date]

OJ: This place is really nice.

Amelia: Oh, you like it? I haven’t been here in years. I was worried it might have changed.

[A waitress walks in and rudely picks up their plates and walks away]

OJ: Well, service might have gone downhill.

Amelia: Uh, you think? Ha-ha.[Cut to Amelia] Listen, Amelia, I have got to be honest with you. I am a little nervous. This is my first Bumble date.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Oh, yeah, right. That’s what everyone says.

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: No, no, no. I swear. I never used dating apps before. But hey, [raises his glass of wine] to trying new things.

[Cut to OJ and Amelia]

OJ: To trying new things. [Hitting Amelia’s glass with her’s]

Amelia: Alright. So, um, Amelia, what kind of name is that?

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Well, I’m originally from Bosnia-Herzegovina. Do you know of it?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: I think so. You guys had a big war there in the 90s, right?

OJ: Yeah. [Cut to OJ] Yes. It was the war for independence.

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: That probably dominated all the news around there, huh?

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Oh, big time. Yea, of course. We were very, very isolated from the outside world. It was horrible.

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Well, I’m glad you survived, so I could meet you.

[Cut to OJ and Amelia]

OJ: Aw, me too. So, um, OJ, is that a nickname?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Um, no. Actually, it’s my first and middle name. Orenthal James. I did have a nickname for a little while. “Juice”, as in juice is loose?

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Loose from what?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: [shaking his head] Just a juice container. I guess. You know, it’s silly.

[A waiter walks in with their food]

Waiter: Okay. For the lady we have the halibut and for the gentleman we have the steak, the lamb chops and the burger and fries.

OJ: I can’t believe you ordered all that.

Amelia: Oh, I’m sorry. I’m starving. I feel like I haven’t eaten a decent meal in years.

Waiter: [giving his fist to Amelia] My man.

Amelia: Oh, you know what it is.

[Waiter walks away]

OJ: Wait a second. [Cut to OJ] Are you famous or something?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Who? Me? No. I’m mean not really famous. So, when you are dating somebody, you like, ever Google them?

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Oh. No. I really prefer the mystery of it. You know, to sit together, talk to you face to face.

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Fantastic. Fantastic. I feel the same way. Plus, you know, there is a lot of fake news out there.

[A woman walks in]

Woman: [to OJ] I’m sorry. I just wanna say I can’t believe you’re sitting here having dinner with this man. [to Amelia] You are disgusting.

[The woman walks away]

OJ: What was that all about?

Amelia: Well, I’m sad to admit this. But when you look like I do in this country, people treat you differently.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: You mean because of racism?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Yes. [Cut to OJ and Amelia] Um, OJ, I gotta confess something. This steak is incredible. You want some?

OJ: Sure. Why not?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Alright, cool. Give me a second. [Amelia is trying to cut the steak] For some reason they gave me a plastic knife. [He can’t cut the steak] Meanwhile, why do’t you tell me a little bit about yourself.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Uh-uh, mister, I’m not done with you yet.

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Oh, your witness, counselor.

[Cut to OJ and Amelia]

OJ: So, what exactly is it that you do? [Cut to OJ] In your profile you just wrote this and that.

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: I mean, you could say I’m semi-retired but I was actually a pretty good athlete back in the day.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Oh, so that’s why people recognize you?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: It could be from that. Yes. Sure.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: So, do you still have any of your trophies or awards?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: You know, it’s funny that you bring that up. I mean, coz I tried getting some of those back a few years ago. I mean, you know, [yelling] since they were mine to begin with! But it was a little harder than I thought.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Wow. So you’re an athlete too. Pfft. I have to ask, how is it that you are still single?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: It’s a mystery.

[Cut to OJ and Amelia] [phone ringing]

OJ: Oh, excuse me. It’s my friend. I told her to call me in case you were a psycho.

Amelia: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Hey, Rachel. No, no, no. Everything is okay. Don’t worry. I’m having a really good time with OJ. Muah!

[as soon as OJ hangs up the phone, it starts ringing and receiving messages]

Oh, I’ll just turn this off.

Amelia: Yeah. That’s probably a great idea. Maybe some others here could take a cue from that and turn their phones off too!

[Cut to a group of people taking pictures of OJ and Amelia with their mobile phones]

You know, hey, let’s get out of here, OJ. Some people have no shame. [OJ and Amelia stand] I tell my friend AC to pull the car around. You know, I almost forgot. I wanted to show you the license plate. I made it myself.

[looking at the camera] Still got it! [winking]