Old New York

Bobby Moynihan, Kenan Thompson, Taran Killam, Woody Harrelson

[Starts with four men having a drink]

Bobby: I’m telling you, boys, this city has changed for the worst.

Kenan: It’s unbelievable. I can’t tell you the last time I had a decent slice of pizza here.

Taran: Yeah, forget about it. Remember, Mod Nelly’s on 9th. Best sauce in the city, hands down.

Bobby: Oh, hands down.

Kenan: And now, it’s replaced by a damn dog spa. I men, what the hell is that?

Taran: I’ll tell you what it is. It’s a crime and a shame. Ay, let me ask you this. When was the last time you had a good knish?

Kenan: Couldn’t tell ya.

Bobby: Yeah, you know, you can’t find a decent knish in the city but I’ll tell you, you can get a friggin froyo every 13 feet.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: Yeah, remember the crack?

[audience laughing]

Kenan: What?

Woody: Crack. I mean, have you had it lately? It’s awful.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Like, smoking crack?

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: I mean, that’s if you gonna even find it. But like you said, there’s friggin froyo everywhere. You know?

Kenan: You know what I miss?

Woody: Crack?

Kenan: No. New York city hotdogs.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Thank you. Thank you.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Kenan: Real dogs. Bright red with a good snap. Spicy mustard!

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Um-hmm.

Taran: There used to be a good hotdog cart on every corner. But now, it’s all just Korean barbecue and tacos.

Bobby: Yeah, when did New York city become the friggin taco capital of the world.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: Man, you can clearly like taste the difference, let alone the high is kind of twitchy.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Taran: What high?

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: The crack high. It tasted better, lasted longer and cost less. It’s almost like they know would you settle for any crack.

Kenan: Ay man, what the hell you talking about?

Woody: I’m saying what you guys are saying. That the city has changed.

Kenan: Well, no, you’re not.

Woody: Yeah, you said the pizza thing. And then you’re talking about the knishes and who I can’t remember said something about crack.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Taran: You! You brought up crack. Again. We don’t smoke crack.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: And I don’t blame you. It’s not as good.

[Cut to everybody]

Taran: Alright buddy, just stop bringing it up.

Woody: Alright, jeez. [Cut to Kenan and Woody] I mean, we’re all talking. It’s a free country.

Kenan: I miss the respect. Kids used to have respect in this city.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Absolutely, but not anymore. Now, every time I get on the subway, I see some punk sitting down and some old lady standing up.

Taran: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Not to mention that the price to ride the subway is just insane.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: Tell me about it. It’s like where do you even find crack at this time a day?

Kenan: Hey, man. We warned you.

Woody: I mean on a subway for what they charging us to ride a damn thing, you think they give us just a little crack.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: We don’t smoke crack. Okay? Will you just get lost, man?

Taran: Please!

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: Oh! I see what this is. I mean, you guys just want to talk to each other. I guess I’m intruding and maybe I should go.

Kenan: Yeah. [00:Woody0:Kenan6]

[Cut to everybody]

Bobby: Yeah, that would be great.

Woody: Very well, then. Good day gentlemen. But before I go, I have to say you’re all under arrest.

Taran: For what?

[Cut to Woody]

Woody: For possession of crack, cocaine. Now, put your drugs on the table.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: We don’t have any crack.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Wait, is that a vote for native button?

[Cut to Woody showing an election badge.]

Woody: Worth a shot. Good night guys.

[Cut to Bobby, Kenan and Taran]

Bobby: Uh, what a weirdo.

Taran: Yeah, I do miss the meth though.

Bobby: Oh! So much.

Kenan: Oh, meth was my favorite.

[cheers and applause]