Weekend Update- Cup Noodles’ Breakfast Flavor, 89-Year-Old Named Oldest Surfer

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Stars with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Apple logo.]

Colin Jost: Apple has launched a new feature called Pay Later that lets users spread out payments for apps over the course of six weeks. And this is also launched my new favorite insult, “Yo mama so poor she put candy crush on layaway.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Drinking water safe after chemical spill.”]

Michael Che: After a recent chemical spill in the Delaware River, Philadelphia officials say the city’s drinking water is finally safe. Unless it’s been handed to you by this Philadelphian. [Picture changes to Bill Cosby.]

You don’t like safety precautions?

Cup Noodles has introduced a new breakfast version of the instant ramen that mixes the flavors of sausage, maple syrup, pancakes and eggs. The flavor will be called ‘mom left’. I like this crowd a lot, man.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “89 year old man named world’s oldest surfer.”

Colin Jost: Yeah, me too. Agreed. Agreed. An 89 year old Japanese man has been recognized as the oldest male surfer ever. He truly embodies the surfing lifestyle because every part of his body hangs loose.

[Picture changes to New York city]

New York City is expected to end the winter with the lowest snowfall on record. You lying son of a bitch.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Staten Island sewer rescue.”]

Michael Che: New York City Fire Department rescued five children who got themselves lost in the Staten Island sewer system. Well, it’s hard to believe that a place that filthy and disgusting also has a sewer system.

Built the bear has introduced a new RuPaul doll. And honestly, after a few beers, I would.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a comfort station.]

Colin Jost: New York city officials announced that they will stop calling the city’s Park bathrooms “Comfort stations,” and will instead call them the more accurate – stank shacks.

Doctors in Nepal saved a man after he inserted a water glass into his rectum for sexual gratification and it got stuck. But I think the man actually felt positive about the experience because he said the glass was half full.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “First dispensary owned by woman opens.”]

Michael Che: The first legal marijuana dispensary owned by a woman has opened in Queens, New York. [cheers and applause] Unfortunately, they had to shut down because she couldn’t open the weed jars on her own.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Sperm donor sued for increasing risk of accidental incest.”]

Colin Jost: A sperm donor in the Netherlands who allegedly fathered more than 500 children is being sued for increasing the risk of accidental incest among the kids. Accidental incest is also the title of the worst American Pie sequel.

Weekend Update Rock Roll Hall of Fame Inductees Worlds Oldest Living Dog

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of USA map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new report shows that about 6 million Americans now identify as Afro Latino. Afro Latina was also what spirit Halloween calls the unlicensed Bruno Mars costume.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of empire state building at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New York City has launched a new campaign to stop speeding in the city with a series of signs designed to scare drivers. The terrifying science read simply “Entering New Jersey.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Dolly Parton, Eminem, Lionel Richie and Carly Simon at right top corner]

Michael Che: Rock and Roll Hall of Fame announced that Dolly Parton would be inducted this year, along with Eminem, Lionel Richie and Carly Simon, which begs the question what is rock and roll?

[picture changes to Jackie Robinson at right top corner.]

A bat used by Jackie Robinson was sold at auction for more than $1 million. The bat is considered to be so valuable because Robinson used it in an all star game and also to get back to his car safely.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Quantas flight logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Quantas has announced plans for a new direct flight from New York to Australia that will take 19 hours. Not to be outdone, Spirit Airlines announced the new flight from New York to Philadelphia that will also take 19 hours.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a cave at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Archeologists have discovered 1000 year old drawings in a cave in Alabama and guys, they’re bad. Really bad drawings.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Lawmaker watches porn in house chamber” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A British lawmaker resigned after admitting that he watched porn on his phone in the chambers of Parliament, which seems pretty tame considering our congress allows full penetration. [changes to picture from Capitol riot] Colleagues knew he was watching porn when a vote passed by a count of 650 yays to one “oh my god yay”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a diamond at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Oh, Colin. A 220 carat diamond known as The Rock will become the largest white diamond ever auctioned off. Wow. 220 carats. I mean, can you imagine the size of the child who mined that? Kid’s huge.

[Cut to Colin Jost. Theres a picture of an article that says “Woman in penis costume stabbed”]

Colin Jost: Happy Mother’s Day. A woman in a bachelorette party in Scotland was attacked while wearing an inflatable penis costume. The woman says she’s still throbbing in her head feels like it’s ready to explode.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Guinness World record logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The record for the world’s oldest dog has been broken by a 21 year old Chihuahua named Timothy Charlemagne. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.