Vladimir Putin Cold Open

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Olya Povlatsky… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with video message]

Male voice: And now a paid message from the Russian Federation.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin in his office. He is not wearing any shirt.]

Vladimir Putin: Hello, America. Yesterday we all made Donald Trump the 45th president of the United States. Hurray! We did it! Huh? And today, many of you are scared and marching in the streets. You are worried that your country is in the hands of this unpredictable man, but don’t worry. It’s not. [smirking] Relax! I got this. Put is going to make everything okay. I promise that we will take care of America. It’s the most expensive thing we’ve ever bought.

I know many of you Americans are skeptical of president Trump. Many Russians were skeptical of me at first too. But today, nobody ever seems to hear from any of them. It’s like, they’re gone. It always works out. So, why are American women protesting? Huh? In Russian, women have no reason to protest. Listen to this woman.

[Olya Povlatsky walks in with a piece of paper to read]

Olya Povlatsky: Hello, I am Olya, a Russian woman. I am so happy. Each day I wake up with big smile on my face like this. [making horrified face] Ah! I sleep in bed, not in carcass of dog. My president is number one hottie for all time.

Vladimir Putin: Whoa, whoa. That’s a lot, but it’s fair. Here you go. [Vladimir Putin pulls a fish out and gives it to Olya Povlatsky]

Olya Povlatsky: Wow! My pension.

[Olya Povlatsky runs out]

Vladimir Putin: Now, do I think your new president is perfect? Hah, perhaps not. But don’t worry. I will get him there. Donald, let’s talk as friends. You’re not off to a great start, man! I thought you’d be better at this. However, I’m glad to see so many people showed up to your inauguration.

[Cut to a huge crowd] [Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Oh, wait. That’s the women’s march. Here is inauguration.

[Cut to a picture of Donald Trump’s inauguration crowd] [Cut to Vladimir Putin shaking his head]

And today you went to the CIA and said 1 million people came to see you in Washington DC? If you’re going to lie, don’t make it so obvious. Say that you are friends with LeBron James, not that you are LeBron James.

And I saw your speech too. It was a little bleak, no? Trust me. I know bleak. I wake up every day and I’m in Russia. Also, your whole inauguration was kind of heavy on the god stuff, huh? I never heard you say god that much. And I have tapes of you having sex. What was with the outfit on Kellyanne Conway? Look?

[Cut to a picture of Kellyanne Conway wearing weird dress.]

I mean, does she work for you or is she holding the door for people at FAO Schwartz? I still love you, Kellyanne. Also a dear friend.

So listen, America. It’s going to be fine. Frankly, wouldn’t it be nice to have a good relationship between our countries again? Russia is leading exporter of so many things Americans need, like, oil, track suits and scary pornography. Hah? And who knows? One day your country could be as happy as we are here in Russian. We are not divided. [Olya Povlatsky is looking a Vladimir Putin from outside the window that’s behind Vladimir Putin] You know, like you. Because all our people are so glad for their freedom. So, America, it’s going to be a long four years for many of you. But remember, we are in this together. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Weekend Update Olya Povlatsky

Colin Jost

Olya Povlatsky… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Now that Donald Trump is the Republican nominee. Many are concerned about his lack of foreign policy experience as well as this “romance with Russian dictator Vladimir Putin”. Here to comment is a woman from a small village in Russia. Olya Povlatsky.

[Olya slides in]

Olya: Hello, my babies. Good to see you Colin. [waving at Michael Che] Black Colin.

Colin Jost: So Olya, how has it been going in Russia? What have you been up to?

Olya: Hmm. Let’s see. I forget. Let me check my day planner here. What did I do? Oh, Wednesday, yes, I did this. [acting like she’s crying] And then Thursday, I was like… [acting like she’s running from something] And then the Friday. Yes, Friday. Me and my home girls, we got together. We did this thing. [acting like she’s shivering in cold] “So cold. So cold I want to die.”

Colin Jost: Come on, Russia can’t be that bad.

Olya: What? Colin! White Che! You know, in America, you like, “Hey Bobby, got to hell.” Well in Russia we say, “Hey Bobby, stay put.”

Colin Jost: Wow. You’re on fire.

[Olya thinks she’s literally on fire]

Olya: Ah! Not again. Where? Where? Not again.

Colin Jost: No. You’re not actually on fire. Let’s get back on track. What do you think about the fact that Donald Trump could be our next president?

Olya: Oh, Colin. Colin. This is so sweet. This is like candy in my mouth to me. I’m assuming. For years, America has made fun of Putin. And now you guys have a Putin of your own. Welcome to the suck!


I’m sorry.

Colin Jost: Oh my God bless you. God bless you.

Olya: He never has and he never will. But really America, come on. You guys have Trump, but you call Putin crazy? This is like part calling all my toes black. At least our guy is jacked. I mean, have you seen that photo of Putin shirtless on that horse? I mean, yummy, yummy.

Colin Jost: Wait a second. You think Putin is sexy?

Olya: No, I’m saying the horse look delicious. I’m starving, Colin. Pay attention.

Colin Jost: Okay. Olya, what do you think about the fact that Putin once called Trump a genius?

Olya: Hmm. You know, having Putin call you genius, this is not compliment. That would be like if my own poop said, “You know the smells good? Olya.” “Thank you poop. Also, why are you so grey?”

Colin Jost: Thats— Thank you for the visual. That was great. Thank you.

Olya: Colin, can I tell you a secret? I have met this Donald Trump before.

Colin Jost: You’ve met him before?

Olya: Yes. Yes. Every 10 year, he comes to my village in the middle of the night to take a new wife. And last time Colin, it was down to me and Melania. I hear he picked her just because she had both ears. God, I am so jealous of her.

Colin Jost: You’re jealous of her? Why? Coz she’s rich now?

Olya: No. Because I see in her eyes that she is truly dead.

Colin Jost: [laughing] Olya Povlatsky, everyone.

Olya: One day. One day.

Weekend Update Olya Povlatsky about Steroids

Colin Jost

Olya Povlatsky… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, the anti-doping agency suspended all Russian track and field athletes from international competition due to steroid use. Here to comment is a woman from remote village in Russia, Olya Povlatsky.

[Olya slides in]

Olya: [singing] Oops, I did it again.
Got tricked by a goat
I gave him my clothes
Oh, stupid Olya

Colin Jost: Welcome back. [laughing] Welcome back. Now, can I ask what have you been up to since last time?

Olya: Oh, you know, just brunching and gabbing with my gal-pals.

Colin Jost: Really?

[Cut to Olya]

Olya: No Colin, I live in Russia. I’ve been crying and screaming non-stop.

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, are you disappointed to learn that the Russian track and field team has been doping for years?

Olya: Colin, can you really blame people in Russia for trying to run faster? [Cut to Olya] They’re just trying to get the hell out of there. And I say go for it. Run Borris, run.

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: But Olya, okay, they cheated. You know? That’s illegal.

Olya: Oh Colin, you little nerd!

[Olya pats on Colin’s back]

Everybody cheats my friend. [Cut to Olya] Even I have cheated on my boyfriend. But I had good reason. The other guy is a real fox.

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, what does he do?

[Cut to Olya]

Olya: I don’t know. He shoves his little face in the dirt and tries to get in chicken coop. He’s a fox, Colin.

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And what do you think about the possibility that the Russian track and field team might be banned from the Summer Olympics in Rio De Janeiro?

Olya: Oh, it’s major bummer, Colin. [Cut to Olya] I wanted to go to Rio, baby! I was gonna lay out on the beach in my brand new three piece bikini.

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. What’s a three piece bikini?

Olya: Oh, it’s sexiest bikini in all of Russian. It’s shirt, pants and big heavy coat.

Colin Jost: Yeah. I be the guys love that.

Olya: Oh, they do, Colin. Plus, I have the best pickup line. [Cut to Olya] I walk up to a guy, I say, “Did you fall from heaven? If so, please tell me my babies are up there.”

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, even though you can’t go to Rio, at least you got to come to New York, right?

Olya: Oh, New York is great, Colin. I love walking around learning new English phrases. Like, what is that new phrase everyone in New York is saying? What is it? It’s like, “Oh my god, you haven’t seen Hamilton? You have to see Hamilton. Seriously, go see Hamilton. You have to see Hamilton.”

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

I hear that everywhere. I don’t know what it is.

Colin Jost: And will you still be in town for thanksgiving?

[Cut to Olya]

Olya: Thanks-giva-holsa-giva-what?

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Thanksgiving. You know, the day where you sit around with your loved ones and say things you’re thankful for.

Olya: Oh! White people. [Cut to Olya] In Russia, we have a one holiday. Rock day. Everyone gets one big rock to throw at whoever they want. You know what I’m going to do this year with my rock?

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What?

Olya: I’m going to throw it straight in the air and stand under and scream, “Take me rock. Bunk me straight.”

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah. I think you need to cheer up.

Olya: Maybe you could tell me little joke. I love to laugh.

Colin Jost: You wanna hear a joke?

Olya: Yes. Tell me. Tell me please.

Colin Jost: Okay. Let’s see. Um, okay, I got one. Knock, knock.

Olya: [yelling] Ah! The wolves are at the door.

Colin Jost: Olya, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Olya Povlatsky on the Russian Economy

Colin Jost

Olya Povlatsky… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The Russian Ruble showed signs of bouncing back this week after a 15 month period economic strife brought on by International Sanctions. Here to comment is a woman from a small village in Russia, Olya Povlatsky.

[Olya slides in]

Olya: Hi, my name is, what? My name is, who? My name is Olya-Olya, I’m starving.

Colin Jost: It’s great to have you back Olya.

Olya: Thank you. It’s my pleasure. You know, ever since I have been on this SNL, I am like local celebrity in my village. Every where I go, I am hounded.

Colin Jost: Oh, really? You’re hounded? Right? By paparazzi?

[Cut to Olya]

Olya: No, no. By actual hounds. They chase me Colin. But don’t worry. I trick them by playing dead like this. [Olya poses like she’s dead.] [Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You’d be happy to be dead?

Olya: Oh, yes. Like all Russians, Colin, I have been planning my funeral since I was a little girl. [Cut to Olya] As I am buried, I will have them play the most popular funeral song in Russia. [Olya starts singing] [Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, yes. Come on! Russia cannot be that awful.

Olya: Oh, yeah! You know district 12 in Hunger Games? It’s based on richest neighborhood in my village. [Cut to Olya] In Russia, you know what Fifty Shades of Grey is about? My teeth! Even Ebola would not come to Russia. It almost came and then it was like, “Not too easy.”

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, you know, Russia must be on some kind of financial upswing. This week they proposed building $1 trillion super highway from Siberia to Alaska.

Olya: Ricka-ricka-What? Russia is going to build $1 trillion road? Yeah, right! In your screams, Russia!

Colin Jost: No, no. I think you mean .in your dreams’.

[Cut to Olya]

Olya: What is dreams? Listen to me, Russia? We cannot build $1 trillion road. We have bigger fish to fry. Like, we have no fish to fry. We cannot spend this money because much like Kelly Rowland, we just don’t have it.

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, come on, Olya! That’s a pretty bad burn.

Olya: I have to burn people, Colin! For fun and for warmth.

Colin Jost: Well, I know it’s pretty cold here in New York city. You know, it’s tough, cold, raining.

Olya: Oh, Colin. You do not know cold. [Cut to Olya] I was born inside a frozen lake. My mother fell in and the shock of cold bopped me out. You know how babies cry when they first come out, Colin? Not me. I rolled my eyes, I said, “Well played, devil!” I have had frostbite ever since, Colin. This is why my toes are like One Direction, only four left. Also, mostly, hairy (Harry Styles).

[Cut to Olya and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright, now if Russia’s that bad, Olya, I gotta ask, why don’t you move to America?

Olya: Oh, Colin. Are you flirting with Olya? Is that a banana in your pocket? If that’s a banana in our pocket, please give me banana.

Colin Jost: Olya Povlatsky, everyone!

Olya: One banana. One!