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Weekend Update NYC Hires FirstEver Rat Czar Rescuers Save Lost Hikers on Mushrooms

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Kathleen Karate.]

Michael Che: Kathleen Karate was announced as New York City’s first “Rat Czar,” a title that was formerly known as Miss Staten Island. Loser.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “1000 year old Mayan scoreboard found”.]

Colin Jost: Archeologists have discovered 1000 year old scoreboard used for an ancient Mayan ball game, the score of which was Mayans – 24, New York Jets – 0.

The New York City Department of Sanitation has launched its first campaign in 15 years with messages such as “If you litter, you’re garbage,” which is actually dialed back from the original version “Your litter belongs in the trash next to your whore wife.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Proposed alert system for missing black women and kids”.]

Michael Che: Proposed bill in California would create an alert system for missing black women and kids. This is in addition to the alert system for missing white women and kids, the news. A new report from the CDC shows that in 2021, cases of sexually transmitted diseases jumped by 7% to what experts described as nursing home levels. It’s happening guys.

Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Men exaggerate penis length by 20%.”]

Colin Jost: A new study suggests that the average man exaggerates the length of their penis by more than 20%. But aren’t you supposed to add 20% for tip?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “81 year old women travel the world.”]

Michael Che: Two 81 year old women have traveled the world in 80 days, after the post office lost their ashes.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Rescuers save lost hikers on mushrooms.”]

Colin Jost: A group of hikers in Great Britain had to be rescued when they got lost after taking psychedelic mushrooms. More embarrassing, they never actually left the house.

And police in Australia arrested a man after he was caught at a bus stop masturbating for over an hour. “Australia, where the police let you finish.”

Weekend Update Molly Kearney on AntiLGBTQ Bills in the United States

Michael Che

Molly Kearney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Since the start of this year, over 400 Anti LGBTQ bills have been introduced across the country, many of which directly target trans youth. Here to talk about it as someone with their own introduction.

[rock music playing]

Male voice: Introducing SNL’s first non binary cast member, it’s Molly Kearney.

Molly Kearney: Made it. Thank you Mr. Che.

Michael Che: Molly, what is all this?

Molly Kearney: Well, as you know, I’ve been wanting to come to Update and talk about trans people. But I have for a much longer time than that wanted to fly down from the ceiling.

Michael Che: And did it live up to your expectations?

Molly Kearney: Yeah, but I’m not gonna lie, this harness is pretty tight. my groin area is beef. I’ve been hung up on my genitals for far too long. And I’m starting to feel like a frickin Republican lawmaker. Hello.

Michael Che: Awesome transition. So as of this week, there are now over 14 states that have passed bills restricting health care for trans kids.

Molly Kearney: Listen to that, Michael, restricting Health Care for Kids. For some reason, there’s something about the Word ‘trans; that makes people forget the word ‘kids’. If you don’t care about trans kids lives, it means you don’t care about frickin kids lives.

Michael Che: Wow. Well. I can tell you’re really upset about that.

Molly Kearney: I am. And also my legs are going numb and I might pass out.

Michael Che: Molly, how long were you hanging up there?

Molly Kearney: Longer than I would have liked? I tried to call down but no one could hear me. You know, at one point I heard a crew guys say “Is she gonna die up there?” And then another guy was like, “You mean are they are going to die up there?” And then they looked away and didn’t help. Which feels a lot like how trans people are being treated right now. But don’t worry. We have a code word for emergencies. And it was trans rights. Gosh, good. Golly. That was the code for confetti. My Bad, bud.

Michael Che: that was so loud.

Molly Kearney: Well, yeah. People need to wake up. We’re making trans kids grow up too fast. We should be keeping them safe. And we need to lift them up. Oh, no, not me “them”. I mean, the kids. Che, they got my pronouns right. Let’s go. Wait a minute. Before I go, I want to talk to you. What’s happening kids is wrong, and you don’t need to be scared. Our job is to protect you and your job is to focus on being a kid. It’s kind of like me flying in the SNL sky. There’s a bunch of dudes asking you about your crotch and controlling what and where you’re allowed to be. But if you just hang on, you’ll look up and realize you’re flying, kid. Hey Mr. Che, am I still in the frame?

Michael Che: I mean, your feet are.

Molly Kearney: Good. Trans rocks.

Michael Che: Molly Kearney, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Molly Kearney: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Guru Genesis Fry on Mental Health

Colin Jost

Genesis Fry… Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: With mental health struggles on the rise, some Americans are seeking alternative forms of wellness. Here to help is meditation guru, Genesis Fry.

Genesis Fry: Hello, Colin. Join me, won’t you? On a guided meditation to the center of your mind.

Colin Jost: Oh, like right now?

Genesis Fry: Yes, Colin. Colin. Are you ready to meet Colin?

Colin Jost: Oh, I don’t know. I’m scared.

Genesis Fry: Colin Take my hand. And close your eyes.

Colin Jost: Okay.

Genesis Fry: I want you to picture yourself after the show tonight, Colin. As usual fans are taking pictures with Chloe, selfies with Bowen, you step outside and not a single ball flashes.

Colin Jost: Okay, that’s not tur.e

Genesis Fry: Shh. Relax, relax. Relax your arms. Relax your body. Relax your arms. Softer than I imagined. You get into your car without acknowledging your driver. He’s like a sub human creature to you.

Colin Jost: That’s not true.

Genesis Fry: What’s his name, Colin?

Colin Jost: It’s- Let’s just focus on the meditation.

Genesis Fry: You get home and you rewatch tonight’s Update. 21 laughs for Michael, 4 for you. You’re improving, but it’s slow.

Colin Jost: Genesis, come on.

Genesis Fry: Shh. Colin, relax. Relax.

Colin Jost: I’m relaxed.

Genesis Fry: Relax.

Colin Jost: I’m relaxed.

Genesis Fry: Repeat after me. I am Colin Jost.

Colin Jost: I am Colin Jost.

Genesis Fry: I am full of light.

Colin Jost: I am full of light.

Genesis Fry: Everything in my life…

Colin Jost: Everything in my life…

Genesis Fry: Was simply handed to me.

Colin Jost: I’m not saying that.

Genesis Fry: It’s okay, Colin. It’s natural to fight against to break through.

Colin Jost: Right.

Genesis Fry: Give me your hand.

Colin Jost: You’re already holding my hand.

Genesis Fry: I know. Well, it’s so soft. You’ve never done an honest day’s work in your life.

Colin Jost: No. No.

Genesis Fry: Shh, relax. Picture it, Colin. You’re in your dressing room after the show tonight, still fuming about bilingual monologue.

Colin Jost: That would not upset me. No.

Genesis Fry: Shh. You’re so alone. The only person in the world who cares about you is Antonio.

Colin Jost: Who is Antonia?

Genesis Fry: Your driver, Colin. Now Sunday morning, picture it Colin. You’re standing in the NBC gift shop to see if anyone recognizes you.

Colin Jost: Sunday morning?

Genesis Fry: No one does. No one does. Finally, a man notices you. He runs up to you so excited, “Colin Jost! Colin Jost!” he says. And he serves you with court papers.

Colin Jost: Court papers?

Genesis Fry: It turns out someone does recognize you. 32 women to be exact.

Colin Jost: You’re making this up.

Genesis Fry: Repeat after me, Colin. I am Colin Jost.

Colin Jost: I am Colin Jost.

Genesis Fry: I am a star.

Colin Jost: I am a star.

Genesis Fry: If you want to shine like the sun, first you have to burn like it.

Colin Jost: If you want to shine like the sun, first you have to burn like it.

Genesis Fry: You did it, Colin. Yes.

Colin Jost: Wow, I actually love that last quote. Did you just come up with that?

Genesis Fry: No, it’s a famous Hitler quote, Colin. And it’s your new quote too.

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Alright. Hitler slash Colin? Genesis Fry, everyone.

Weekend Update Funky Kong on The Super Mario Bros Movie

Colin Jost

Funky Kong… Kenan Thompson.

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The new Mario Brothers movie is a huge hit and many fans were hoping for an appearance from one of the coolest characters in the Mario universe, Funky Kong. So here to talk about it is Funky Kong.

[Funky Kong slides in] [cheers and applause]

Funky Kong: What’s up, Colin? What’s up, ladies? Yeah. Which one of y’all going home with Funky Kong?

Colin Jost: Okay, alright. How are you doing, Funky Kong?

Funky Kong: Man, I’ve been better. I thought I was gonna be out nobody’s moving they just made $500 million. 600. But this is how much you get to see of me.

Colin Jost: Wow, so you’re just in the background? What happened?

Funky Kong: Man, they cut me out. I guess Funky Kong is too real for them. They don’t want to hear what I got to say. And they sure as hell don’t want to watch me work. Bring it back.

[music palying] [Funky Kong is dancing]

Colin Jost: Wow, I really am so sorry that you got cut.

Funky Kong: Funky don’t want to be what they want, Colin. Funky don’t throw no barrels. Funky Kong spends his day cruising in my car, dropping off packages of the sticky icky. And I spend my nights with a glass of banana rum and a bed full of toads.

Colin Jost: And now, are toads male or female?

Funky Kong: Funky don’t know, Funky don’t ask.

Colin Jost: It’s really is a shame that you’re not in the movie because your cousin Donkey Kong is a major character.

Funky Kong: Oh yeah, man. Donkey Kong is all up in it. But they ain’t even us Monkey Kong.

Colin Jost: Who’s Monkey Kong?

Funky Kong: He’s a donkey. Man, those Japanese people sure are interesting. Oh man, you know they kicked me off the set?

Colin Jost: What? Why?

Funky Kong: Because I was in my trailer drumming on booty cheeks like Bongo was in the minigame. I was in there like, booty cheeks, titty meat, booty cheeks, titty meat.

Colin Jost: Great. It’s really great. So you were originally in the movie?

Funky Kong: Absolutely. Man. I had a few choice scenes. I was incredible. I even have the whole script right here. Here. Come on. Read this here with me, Colin. I’ll show you what I’m talking about. You’ll be Mario and Luigi. I’m gonna be myself. Paste well.

Colin Jost: Sure. Great. All right, Luigi: We got to get to the castle, but the fastest way is Rainbow Road. Mario: Rainbow Road? We’ll fall off.

Funky Kong: Man, ain’t no bitches in here.

Colin Jost: I can’t believe that’s the original line.

Funky Kong: I told you man. I was dope. Go to page 36, man. The scene with me and Peach.

Colin Jost: Okay, yeah, you and Peach. Princess Peach: Funky Kong, they are holding our friends prisoner in Warrior stadium. Can you help?

Funky Kong: Girl, why don’t you open up that peach and let me see what’s inside?

Colin Jost: Honestly, I can see why they cut you out.

Funky Kong: Come on, Colin. People would have eaten that up, man. You ever had monkey meat?

Colin Jost: Monkey meat? No.

Funky Kong: That’s not what your mamma said last night. Bring it back.

[music playing] [Funky Kong is dancing]

Colin Jost: Funky Kong, everyone. Funky Kong.

Weekend Update- LSU’s Angel Reese on Her White House Invitation

Angel Reese… Punkie Johnson

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: There was controversy this week. When LSU basketball star Angel Reese refused an invitation to the White House to celebrate her team’s national championship. But now she has decided to go. So here to comment is Angel Reese.

[Angel Reese slides in] [cheers and applause]

Angel Reese: Yeah, the Bayou Barbie is in the building. Louisiana, stand tall.

Michael Che: Well Angel, you had quite a week.

Angel Reese: Yeah. I got people big mad. First they were mad because I was taunting. But all I did was this. You would have thought I pulled my nipple out and flicked it on national TV. Then they were mad because I didn’t want to go to the White House. But Che, they invited Iowa.

Michael Che: But they lost.

Angel Reese: Exactly. In the history of sports, when you lose you take your ass home. But then white girls lose. And suddenly it’s all teams matter.

Michael Che: Well, I’m glad you changed your mind. That’d be pretty cool.

Angel Reese: Yeah, it’ll be cool for them. I’m a big deal now, Che. Since college players get endorsements now, ‘m about to cash in. And my brand works for anything. How this sounds, Che? “Degree deodorant. Y’all stank.”

Michael Che: It seems aggressive.

Angel Reese: Okay, how about this one? “Garden Gnomes. Man, get yo little ass out my face.”

Michael Che: That’s a commercial for Garden Gnomes?

Angel Reese: Yeah. If the money right. Now, here’s my favorite. “Big ass eyelashes. Empowering women ballers and snuffleupacus since Angel Reese97Michael Che.”

Michael Che: Well Angel, I’m glad that you’re enjoying the moment.

Angel Reese: Yeah, I am. Look, last week women’s sports was boring. Now all you’re talking about is women’s sports. All this week. Why? Because women is balling right now. Man, I dropped 15 on Iowa. I went hard in the paint. I grabbed about 10 boards without even messing up my eyelashes. The only thing I regret is not getting more buckets. I could have picked that ball up, bounced it off old girl head like I was in the A-one tour. But you know, I was already in foul trouble, so your girl had to chill. And now I’m just sitting back getting all this Baby Gap money.

Michael Che: Why are you endorsed by Baby Gap?

Angel Reese: Because all these bitches is my son.

Michael Che: Angel Reese, everybody.

Angel Reese: You can’t see me. We going back to back. Angel Reese.

Weekend Update- Jafar on Ron DeSantis’ Attacks on Disney

Michael Che

Jafar… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week, Governor Ron DeSantis wrapped up his war on Disney after they stopped his attempts to control Disney World’s district. Here to comment is the villain from the movie Aladdin, Jafar.

[Jafar slides in] [cheers and applause]

Jafar: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Hello, Michael. So this is the famous Rockefeller palace.

Michael Che: Okay, so Jafar, as a Disney character, what do you think of Ron DeSantis?

Jafar: You mean the boy? Well Michael, as far as villains go, the boy’s an amateur. He has no rizz, no spark, no drip. The look is giving baby mayor. I mean he did wear those white cowboy boots, but let’s be honest, they wore him.

Michael Che: Well, he might not look the part, but are you saying the sandals isn’t bad enough?

Jafar: Not at all. Don’t get me wrong, the boys plenty evil. I mean, banning Rosa Parks and schools. I’m a dark sorcerer and even I was like “Jesus dude, it’s Rosa Park.”

Michael Che: Yeah, now he’s coming for Disney after their stance against his “Don’t say gay” bill.

Jafar: Ha-ha-ha-ha. If the boy thinks he can somehow prevent Disney World from being gay, that carpet has flown. You know what I mean?

Michael Che: No, I really don’t.

Jafar: I mean, if you opened up Grindr on Main Street USA, your phone explodes. And everywhere else in the park, it’s nothing but 40 year old men with braces. I don’t know what that is, but it ain’t straight.

Michael Che: Or are you saying that you’re-

Jafar: A little light in the loafers? Did my John Water stash not tip you off? Of course I’m gay, you petulant fool. My waist is snatched, my eyeliner on point, my final form is a yolked Genie with goddess nails. And I might grow pony. But yeah, Michael I love cooch.

Michael Che: Yeah, I got it. Well. It seems like DeSantis doesn’t even want anything remotely gay happening at Disney World at all.

Jafar: Ugh. There’s already a gay. There’s already a Disney World where nothing gay happens. It’s called Six Flags. There are lots of them at Disney, Michael. Ursula the lesbian,Scar is bi, and Mulan just got top surgery, congrats to them. Now if I may, I’d like to address the boy, DeSantis. Well, if it isn’t the swamp rat, bravo for attempting to seize our precious land, only to be thwarted once again by the House of Mouse. You pitiful straight, you can try to stop us boy. But we ill outsmart your to every turn. “Don’t say gay?” Well, if there is no gay, there is no Disney. And everyone loves Disney, including you. Because your dumbass got married there. And that’s the gayest thing you can do. Though I’m sorry, Mr. DeSante, the gay shall stay and you stay away.

Where were we, Michael? Oh yes. Your earring. It intrigues me.

Michael Che: No, no. Jafar, everybody.

Jafar: Your wedding was at the Grand Floridian and it was gorgeous. It was a gorgeous wedding.

Weekend Update- Co-Worker Who’s Extremely Busy Doing Seemingly Nothing on Returning to the Office

Colin Jost

Crystal… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Last week, the Labor Department released data showing that more Americans are returning to the office in person. Here to comment is your coworker who’s extremely busy doing seemingly nothing.

[Crystal slides in] [cheers and applause]

Crystal: Hi. Hi. Oh my god Colin, we’ve got to make this quick because I really got to get back. I gotta get back.

Colin Jost: Oh okay. Well, you just got here, Crystal. And thank you for being here.

Crystal: Icebreaker, icebreaker. Colin, how are you? Don’t answer that. Literally don’t have time to hear your answer. I am so slammed.

Colin Jost: Oh, so what do you do for work?

Crystal: Umm… [showing a bunch of papers] this!

Colin Jost: Wow, okay, well I guess I’d love to get a sense of like what you do in a day.

Crystal: Um, yeah. What don’t I do? Okay. Ask my team. Where are they? On my back. And my phone’s blowing up. I’m in hell.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry that you’re so slammed. Crystal.

Crystal: I need a vacation, but knowing me, I’d bring my work phone, aka, my husband.

Colin Jost: I love that you kissed your phone, but yeah I’m just so curious about what your job is.

Crystal: Colin, to explain it, the level I would have to start at, I literally don’t have the bandwidth. [looking at the papers] Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Okay. Oh my god. [showing a paper to Colin] Look.

Colin Jost: Yeah, this is a sign up sheet for birthday cake.

Crystal: Yeah, yeah. And then bringing Oreo Cheesecake. That ain’t gonna work. There goes my Easter Sunday.

Colin Jost: Why would there go your Easter Sunday?

Crystal: And doo-doo-doo-doo. [throws away her phone] I’m screwed.

Colin Jost: Crystal, can you just tell me one thing you do?

Crystal: Yeah. Okay, look. All right. So look at my spreadsheet, okay? These are all emails I’ve received.

Colin Jost: Great. Thanks.

Crystal: Now you understand?

Colin Jost: No, I don’t. No, I don’t understand. Where do you work?

Crystal: In the weeds.

Colin Jost: Okay. All right. I mean specifically. Specifically. Specifically where?

Crystal: Neck deep.

Colin Jost: No, that is not an answer. What do you do?

Crystal: Well, I’ll tell you what I don’t do. Eat. I haven’t eaten in months.

Colin Jost: Okay. Oh my god. Crystal, you need to take care of yourself.

Crystal: Umm, Kale see czar, my favorite. You know what? It’s kind of nice eating on the table and not on the toilet.

Colin Jost: Do you eat on the toilet?

Crystal: And I got an alert on my salad phone. [pulls a phone out of her food bowl]

Colin Jost: Oh my god. What does it say?

Crystal: I’m screwed.

Colin Jost: Stop throwing things.

Crystal: Keep talking because I am listening. Oh my god. I just pulled my pinky.

Colin Jost: Okay, Crystal, I just saw on your computer that all you have opened as a bunch of tabs for Ann Taylor and Loft.

Crystal: For work, of course. Because I am always here.

Colin Jost: Right. And where? Like, honestly, what do you do?

Crystal: I’m Che’s assistant.

Colin Jost: You’re Che’s assistant?

Michael Che: Hey, Chris is the best.

Colin Jost: Very busy coworker, everyone.

Crystal: I’m screwed.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Marcello Hernández on Being a Short King

Colin Jost

Marcello Hernandez

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: It’s April and that can only mean one thing, the celebration of short men that the internet has dubbed short king spring. Here in common is our very own short King, Marcelo Hernandez.

Marcello Hernandez: Hey, Colin. It’s great to be here.

Colin Jost: Hey, Marcello. Thanks for being here. So can you walk us through what it means to be a short King?

Marcello Hernandez: Yeah, well, it’s basically something women say as if it’s a compliment, but it’s kind of the condescending. Short King? It’s an insult followed by a compliment. You wouldn’t call someone a snaggletooth genius.

Colin Jost: Well, if it helps, I never thought of you as a short man, and you’re welcome for that.

Marcello Hernandez: Okay, call it and Seto. I know I’m short. And you know how I know? Because when I lie about my height, I say I’m 5’9″, which means I’m really 5’7.5″, and I’m lying about the half. What height do you say Colin?

Colin Jost: Well, I’m 6 feet.

Marcello Hernandez: Oh, so you’re 5’9″ nine?

Colin Jost: No, I’m 6 feet.

Marcello Hernandez: No, if you were 6 feet, you would say 6’2″.

Colin Jost: No, I’m exactly 6 feet.

Marcello Hernandez: Okay. Then let’s stand back to back.

Colin Jost: I don’t want to do that.

Marcello Hernandez: Interesting. Colin, Short Kings like us should be proud of our heritage. You know, we come from a long line of grapes. Kevin Hart, Bruno Mars Prince, Dominions, Al Pacino. I’m sorry, I’m just thinking out loud here. Mark Wahlberg, Jack Black, Yoda, Tom Holland. Lil Wayne, it’s right there in the name. Martin Short, again, it’s right there in the name. Leonel Messi, Pablo Picasso, John Leguizamo, Danny DeVito. Beethoven the composer was five six, and the dog was even shorter.

Colin Jost: That’s great to know. Yeah, thank you. I think we get it. Yeah.

Marcello Hernandez: Now let’s think of some tall guys. Osama Bin Laden is6’4″. Slender Man 6’Colin Jost0″. Armie Hammer, 7’3″.

Colin Jost: Armie Hammer is not 7’3″.

Marcello Hernandez: Okay, sorry. I forgot you two were friends.

Colin Jost: We’re friendly.

Marcello Hernandez: No. You know, the worst thing about tall men is when they say hello to us petite princes. They go too low and they use a baby voice. They go like, “Hey bud, everything gopd down there?” And then when they’re done talking to you, they never say this but it always feels like they say it, and they don’t say it, but it does feel like they say it. When they’re done talking, they go “Alright, I gotta go back up.” Colin, what I’m trying to say is us tiny Titans, we got to-

Colin Jost: Stop saying us.

Marcello Hernandez: Then stand back to back with me.

Colin Jost: No.

Marcello Hernandez: Okay. Well look, short kings, we were born kings. We’ve become kings. We’ve done the work. We learned how to dance, not because we wanted to but because we had to. Tall guys like Michael Che, they don’t gotta learn how to dance. They just stand in the back of the party like… Meanwhile, you and me are down there on the desk working, Colin. And not because we want to but because we had to.

Colin Jost: Again, I’m 6 feet tall.

Marcello Hernandez: Yeah, you’re a tower. Anywho, for all my short kings watching at home, stay strong, live large and be proud of the tiny little person that you are. So let’s show him, Colin. Stand up and go back to back with me.

Colin Jost: For the last time, I can’t do that.

Marcello Hernandez: Why not?

Colin Jost: Because Marcelo, I’m already standing.

Marcello Hernandez: I knew it. I knew it.

Colin Jost: My fellow short King, Marcello Hernandez.

Marcello Hernandez: We’re 5’8″. We’re 5’8″.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Tennessee Lt. Gov. Randy McNally on Gay Instagram Thirst Traps

Colin Jost

Randy McNally… Molly Kearney

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week, Tennessee Lieutenant Governor Randy McNally was caught using his verified Instagram account to engage with provocative photos of a young gay man. Here to comment is Lieutenant Governor Randy McNally.

[Randy McNally slides in]

Randy McNally:  Sorry I’m late. I spent all day printing out map quest directions.

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Map quest?

Randy McNally: Yes, I don’t know if you noticed, but I am not good at the internet.

Colin Jost: Yeah, right. So Randy, you’re a married man who supports Tennessee’s anti drag laws. Can you explain why you commented on a thirst trap saying “You can turn a rainy day into rainbows and sunshine?”

Randy McNally: Well, I didn’t think people would find out because I used to screen name.

Colin Jost: Oh, what is the screen name?

Randy McNally: Lieutenant Governor McNally.

Colin Jost: Randy, do you see how this could be a problem? And also I want to find out you commented three hearts and three fire emojis on this naked photo of the same young gay man.

Randy McNally: Well Colin, I don’t discriminate. I comment on photos of all their orientations. Orientations like from the side, from the front, from the back. There does not have to be a  butt, but it helps. Whenever the photo, it’s my job to encourage my constituents.

Colin Jost: Right. No, I think there’s just maybe some confusion about your beliefs.

Randy McNally: Colin, I stand by my traditional values. I believe a woman should be in the home and a man should be Colin Jost43 pounds dancing to Dua Lipa.

Colin Jost: Okay. Okay. Yes, you’re very, very cute, but you are claiming these interactions are innocent, but it does not look good.

Randy McNally: Colin. I’m just looking out for the little guy Joe Average. Every Tom Dick and hairless.

Colin Jost: I think so the people of Tennessee feel misled.

Randy McNally: Oh, Colin. It’s no big deal. I’m just looking. Looking at pictures on Zillow doesn’t make me a homeowner, although I have done a few 3d tours.

Colin Jost: Okay. Randy-

Randy McNally: Randy by name, Randy by nature.

Colin Jost: Why are you interacting with these young man? Why?

Randy McNally: Because I’m talking to voters or people who could vote in the future. I’m a proud conservative. I respect police officers, firefighters and any man who puts his body online for others.

Colin Jost: Do you mean on the line for others?

Randy McNally: What did I say? By the way, any chance you can put me out another map quest? I’m trying to get to flaming saddles.

Colin Jost: Alright. Randy, folks are calling you a hypocrite for endorsing anti LGBTQ laws while seeming to enjoy queer content.

Randy McNally: Well, Colin, what do you want me to say? I’m a hypocrite that I was flirting with the 20 year old dancing around in his fine washables. That I made it legal to have guns in libraries but not drag queens? That I publicly hate things that I secretly like? Both Republicans and Democrats are telling me to get off Instagram. And guess what? I will, because I forgot my password.

Colin Jost: Randy McNally, everyone.

Randy McNally: Make me a flaming saddle.

Weekend Update- Punkie Johnson and Mikey Day on Their 2023 Oscars Predictions

Colin Jost

Punkie Johnson

Mikey Day

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, the Oscars are almost here. Here to break down the nominees and all things Hollywood are Punkie Johnson and Mikey Day.

[Punkie Johnson and Mikey Day slide in]

Punkie Johnson: What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: All right, guys. So what can we expect from this year’s Oscars?

Mikey Day: Well, Colin, I’d love to tell you. But when Punkie and I sat down to do this, we realized that Punkie, a celebrity and entertainer, does not know any other celebrities or entertainers.

Punkie Johnson: This is true. She doesn’t even know their names really. Here are some examples. And these are all 100% true stories. I once saw Punkie called Tony Hawk “Tony Hawking” to his face.

Colin Jost: So Punkie you confuse the most famous skateboarder of all time with the genius physicist Stephen Hawking.

Punkie Johnson: I mean, look, they bold white men with wheels. So I mean-

[Michael Che laughing]

Mikey Day: But the best thing that has ever happened was a few weeks ago when Punkie told me that all of her friends could not believe she met Rick Bernstein.

Colin Jost: And who is Rick Bernstein?

Mikey Day: That is what I said.

Punkie Johnson: Well, so I said it’s the guy with the jeans. Duh.

Mikey Day: The guy with the jeans. I eventually figured out that Punkie was referring to living legend Bruce Springsteen. Rick Bernstein.

Punkie Johnson: Alright, look. I grew up on people like Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor. That dude do wasn’t big in my house. So sue a bitch.

Mikey Day: So instead of an Oscars piece, I thought it’d be more fun to play a game we call “Who does punky mean?” Are you down to play?

Colin Jost: I feel like I don’t have a choice.

Mikey Day: Right. Everyone, you can play along. It’s super fun. Number one, Punkie referred to this celebrity as Claire Blankenship. Claire Blankenship.

Colin Jost: I don’t know. Claire Danes maybe?

Mikey Day: Okay, let’s see. Is it Claire Danes? No. It’s Anne Hathaway.

Punkie Johnson: Time out, time out.

Mikey Day: That really happened.

Punkie Johnson: No. Put the picture back up. Okay, I’m sorry, but does this bitch not look like a Claire?

Mikey Day: Okay. She does. That’s fair. You’re right. Number two. Zoey Dechanaise. Who does punky mean? Tell me what you’re thinking, Colin.

Colin Jost: I am thinking that this one has to be Zoey Deschanel.

Mikey Day: Okay, lock it in. Is Zoe Deshanaise Zoey Deschanel? Nope. Zoe Kravitz.

Punkie Johnson: Wait. No. All right, okay. All right look, see what happened was I’m getting my makeup done for the show because you know I gotta look good for Nor Michaels.

Colin Jost: Nor Michaels?

Punkie Johnson: Anyway, I see Zoe walk past and I say, “Ay, don’t I know you?”

Mikey Day: Yes, you did because she was hosting this show. That happened that week.

Punkie Johnson: My bad, Ms. Dachanese.

Mikey Day: Okay, last one. Here we go. Patrick Dempsey.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, I think there’s no way that she knows who Patrick Dempsey is. I guess I’m gonna say Patrick Stewart.

Mikey Day: Okay. No, she actually did mean Patrick Dempsey. She knows Patrick Dempsey.

Punkie Johnson: You’re damn right. I do know Mr. Dempsey. Dr. Derek Shepherd, baby.

Colin Jost: You’re a fan of Grey’s Anatomy?

Punkie Johnson: Hell, yeah. I love every show Bobby Rhimes.

Colin Jost: You mean Shonda Rhimes?

Punkie Johnson: No, I think you mean Busta Rhymes.

Colin Jost: No. Punkie and Mikey, everyone.