Weekend Update LaVar Ball on His Son LaMelo Ball

Michael

LaVar Ball… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael: We are almost halfway through the NBA season and the front runner for the Rookie of the Year is point guard LaMelo Ball. Here to comment is his outspoken father, LaVar Ball.

[LaVar slides in]

LaVar: How you doing, Michael? Me, I’m incredible!

Michael: Well, that’s good to hear. We haven’t seen you in a while, man. I was worried with all this covid stuff that you might not be okay.

LaVar: Man, I’m perfect. I already got 10 shots of each vaccine. Pfizer, Moderna, Johnson & Johnson, and my own home remedy – the Val Tricks. It cures herpes brought on by the covid-19, AKA, the macoroni virus.

Michael: I don’t know about that, but it’s been a good year for you. LaMelo is playing really well. Your son.

LaVar: You’re damn right, he is. And he’s playing for the story franchise in all the basketball, the Charlotte Hornets. Charlotte, North Carolina, the regional bacon capital of the world. Gateway to gastonia. No mountains. No oceans. But enough humidity to make your balls sticky as taffy.

Michael: So, you think LaMelo is going to win ‘Rookie of the Year’?

LaVar: Oh, he’s got all the awards locked up. ‘Rookie of the Year’, locked up. ‘MVP’, locked up. ‘Pretty as hog at the Mecklenburg couty fair’, lockedu p. That means he has some good ass bacon. Ha-ha-ha.

Michael: MVP? What about LeBron or Giannis Antetokounmpo?

LaVar: Man, don’t you talk to me about no Yana-gasa-ka-chu-chu. LaMelo has got this. And after he has won, he’s gonna unite both north and south Carolina into a Super Carolina called “Carolasis”. “Carolasis”, monster of the south. Second cousin to Mothra. Never lost to Godzilla. Never to the Zilla.

Michael: It looks like it’s all coming together.

LaVar: It sure is, Michael. LaMelo is the queen of Charlotte. My other boy Lanzo is Baren of the Bio. LiAngelo is a G-league superstar. And I got a fourth son who’s tearing up the Australian league, LaDingo.

Michael: LaDingo?

LaVar: Yeah. He’ll dunk on you and steal your baby.

Michael: Well, with all your success, I was surprised you’re not cashing all your Big Baller brand.

LaVar: Oh, no, no. I am. I am. Introducing the newest Big Baller shoes, specially designed by LaMelo right in the Carolinas, presenting the Caro-melos. [pulls out a shoe shapes chocolate]

Michael: Is that a chocolate shoe?

LaVar: Yes, indeed. Now you can jump 30 feet in the air while your feet are covered in sweet. Coco-dego-dogo-dogoses. But that’s not all. [Michael Che laughing hard] What’s the matter, Mike? That’s not all. Every pair of Caro-melos comes with Caro-melo side. Look at this. [pulls out a cookie dipped in caramel from inside the shoe] It’s chocolate, caramel, nougat and it features Alexa. Alexa! What’s America’s top high performance edible footware?

Alexa: The 2021 Cara-melos. Never lost.

LaVar: Oh. Alexa, you’re a bad mama-jama. So, pick yourself a pair. $2,000, seven month wait list, available exclusively on my cell phone between the hours of three and six PM mountain time. Never lost.

Michael: LaVar Ball, everybody.

Weekend Update Rep Marjorie Taylor Greene on Science

Colin Jost

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene cause more controversy this week after she put up a sign outside the office of a congresswoman with a trans daughter that read –  “There are two genders, male and female. Trust the science.” Here to comment is Marjorie Taylor Greene.

[Marjorie Taylor Greene slides in]

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Hello, Colin. Oh, I think I sat on a gun. [pulls out a gun] Is this mine or your’s?

Colin Jost: I think you know it’s your’s.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: It’s mine. Okay.

Colin Jost: Well, you’ve only been in office a few weeks and you’ve already making a lot of news.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: I know. You know what? They’re calling me congress’s new IT girl.

Colin Jost: IT, like the new thing?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: No. IT, like the evil clown that prays on children.

Colin Jost: Oh, yes. Well, why did you put up that sign outside your office?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Because we have to trust the sience. [Showing her t-shirt that says “Trust the sience”, that has ‘science’ misspelled.] You know me, I’m a sience person. I love sience. I’m always talking sience. Okay? Unless that sience is about climate change, coronavirus, space lasers, evolution, the metric system, the rhythm method, breastfeeding, living on Mars, Jesus’s skin color or Santa’s skin color. By the way, which is white. You see, sience teaches us that there are two genders because our bodies are made by god in a certain way. Okay? For women, it’s milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner fudge is made. Okay? And for boys, it’s big hairy chest just like King Kong, crack in the butt, two balls ding dong.

Colin Jost: This is what science–

Marjorie Taylor Greene: That’s sience!

Colin Jost: That’s what science teaches you?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yes, that’s sience. We’re all endowed with traditional gender roles, okay? I’m a woman. So, it’s my job to bully, threaten and fight my female colleagues. Sience has called this cat fight and it’s what girls do.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I’m not sure. I’m not sure.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Oh, you think I’m just crazy, right? Yeah, well, I’m not. Sorry, Colin. I have to sneeze. [sneezes like crazy] I’m sorry. Allergies.

Colin Jost: That was a sneeze?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Oh, yes. See, when I was a little girl, I sneezed once and nobody said “Bless you”. So, a demon got in. Excuse me. [sneezes like crazy again] Sorry. Colin, I can’t help it. I’m a fighter. Okay? I have a boombastic personality. I fight the democrats. I fight the socialists. I fight traumatized teenagers walking on the street alone. I fight my own hair every morning with a flat iron and a bottle of aquinet. I mean, hell, I fight my own party. Those republicans and congress scissored me.

Colin Jost: I think you mean censored.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: No, that’s lesbian stuff.

Colin Jost: Okay, no. I think you got the words mixed up. And instead of picking fights, maybe you should be focused on things like the covid relief bill?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: The who what now? Hey, did you hear they are trying to cancel Mr. Potatohead?

Colin Jost: No.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yeah! The woke radical liberal just won’t him be proud of his big old god given potato penis. But oh, I’m the crazy one.

Colin Jost: I don’t think that’s the issue. And is that really a priority for a congress woman?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Look, all I’m saying is that if Mr. Potatohead is allowed to marry another Mr. Potatohead, I’ll kill myself. Is that so crazy?

Colin Jost: Yes, that’s crazy. Marjorie Taylor Greene, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che, goodnight.

Weekend Update Jessie Rauch on Food Insecurity

Michael Che

Jessie Raunch… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With many New Yorkers still out of work, it’s more important than ever to provide accessible food to those in need. Here to talk about her mutual aid organization that delivers hot meals to families is Program Director, Jessie Raunch.

[Jessie Raunch slides in. She is wearing dirty clothes.]

Jessie Raunch: Hey! Hi, Michael. Thank you so much for having me.

Michael Che: Yeah, thanks for being here, Jessie.

Jessie Raunch: Yeah. It means everything to community horizons to have this platform to speak about food and security. This is cool.

Michael Che: Yeah, great. Why are you wearing this costume.

Jessie Raunch: Oh, I’m so sorry. I’m still on my work clothes. I came straight from there. We feed 400-500 families every week and this week was barbecue, hence all the char. So, sorry.

Michael Che: Oh, no. I’m sorry because it’s just that sweater and that hat combination looks exactly like Freddy Krueger.

Jessie Raunch: Oh, wow. Yeah. That did not cross my mind. Oh yeah, no. This is my dad’s chapeau. He dedicated his life to service. So, I always wear it. This is cool being here.

Michael Che: So, you just show up at people’s houses dressed like this? Aren’t they scared?

Jessie Raunch: What? No. They’re thankful. I mean, every once in a while, some parents say, “Oh, hell no”, and slam the door. But, you know, that’s just pride talking.

Michael Che: Yeah, I don’t think it’s pride. I think they think you’re Freddy Krueger.

Jessie Raunch: [laughing] Michael, I’m telling you, I couldn’t be more different than Freddy Krueger. I work in the community. I’m a part of kid’s dreams.

Michael Che: Okay. That’s what Freddy does. He infiltrates their dreams.

Jessie Raunch: No, Michael. They all know Ms. Jessie song.

[singing] One, two, bread’s coming for you
three, four, better open your door
five, six, I got checks mix

Michael Che: Yeah, that’s exactly what Freddy sings.

Jessie Raunch: What’s your angle, man? Are you, like, embarrassed for white girl? Because you brought up my clothes so many times at this point. I’m sorry that they’re bad to you.

Michael Che: Well, I didn’t say they were bad. They’re just a little scary.

Jessie Raunch: Why are they scary?

[when Jessie Raunch raises her hand, she has long scary claw that have knife nails]

Michael Che: Whoa! Why are you wearing those gloves?

Jessie Raunch: My work gloves? To chop meat, okay? I told you it was barbecue day and I’ve gotta be able to sever a hog swiftly and effectively.

Michael Che: That’s absolutely terrifying.

Jessie Raunch: You know what? Seriously, you know what? [pointing at Michael Che with the knife nail]

Michael Che: Stop pointing that at me.

Jessie Raunch: You know what? I’m proud to be someone who looks like they work at community horizons. And today, I was exhausted and I was covered in blood. But you know what? I looked out over all of our barbecue man, and I said, “How sweet, fresh meat.”

Michael Che: That’s the most famous Freddy Krueger quote.

Jessie Raunch: I’m gonna kill you, Michael.

Michael Che: Jessie Raunch, everybody.

Jessie Raunch: Hey, remember to wear a mask. [showing Jason’s mask]

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Drunk Tom Brady on Super Bowl LV

Michael Che

Tom Brady… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Michael che in his set]

Michael che: This week the Tampa Bay Buccaneers beat the Kansas city Chiefs and became Super Bowl champions. Tom Brady won his 7th Super Bowl and took on his fifth Super Bowl MVP award. Needless to say he’s been having a good time celebrating. Here to comment is drunk Tom Brady.

[Tom Brady slides in]

Tom Brady: Brady! Brady! Brady! What’s up, Michael? Seven Super Bowl. What? That’s insane.

Michael che: Wow, you seem to be having a good time. This is a new side of Tom Brady.

Tom Brady: Dud! It’s coz I’ve been Tampin out. I’m a Florida, baby. Yeah. They got boat parades in water and sunshine and girls wearing these little bikinis. I’m not stuck in a freezer cold in Boston with the pilgrims and old man Belichick. Hear that, Bill? You’re not my dad anymore.

Michael che: You alright, Tom?

Tom Brady: Oh yeah, man. Life’s good. I’m my own man now. I’m free to go day drinking on my new boat and toss the lombardi trophy around without a care in the world.

Michael che: Yeah. I saw you throwing the Super Bowl trophy from one boat to another.

Tom Brady: Oh, yeah. That was awesome. I’ve been bringing this bad boy around me pretty much everywhere. [pulls out the trophy. The trophy is worn and torn.] Yeah, this is a little banged up but she still works. [opens a beer bottle with the trophy] Like that. Oops. Ha-ha-ha. It works so it cracked it right open. This stuff is good. I’m finally going around with thsi stuff.

Michael che: There may be some glass in there.

Tom Brady: Yeah, maybe. If you were surprised I would toss this bad boy around, but the trophy has got a football on it. And I’m a quarterback. So, it makes sense. Ha-ha. What else am I going to do? Punt it?

Michael che: Yeah. I don’t know bout that.

Tom Brady: Another trophy.

Michael che: Are you alright, Tom?

Tom Brady: I don’t know. I just won the Super Bowl. Probably going to win another one next year too. My problem is nobody likes me.

Michael che: No. Tom, man.

Tom Brady: I don’t know what I did so wrong. All I did was go out and win Super Bowl. I keep thinking that maybe one more trophy and people are gonna like me. No. Don’t talk about the wins. They just talk about how I kiss my son.

Michael che: Hey, look man, I get it. You know. You’ve had a lot of haters but don’t let them bring you down.

Tom Brady: Dude, I’m messing with you, Che. Ha-ha-ha. I don’t care. People can say whatever they want. I’m the best damn quarterback ever. I feel great. My wife is just Gisele. I only feel good.

Michael che: Drunk Tom Brady, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update TwinsTheNewTrend on Songs They’ve Never Heard Before

Michael Che

Kenan Thompson

Chris Redd

[starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It’s a new year and I’ve been watching a lot of YouTube and I saw these two young dudes react to Phil Collin’s “In The Air Tonight” for the first time. I was blown away by their positivity and the fact they’ve never heard “In The Air Tonight” by Phil Collin. So, here to bring good vibes are TwinsTheNewTrend.

[Kenan and Chris slide in]

So, you two have a popular YouTube channel where you react to song you hear for the very first time like, “Bohemian Rhapsody” or “Can’t Touch This” or “Jolene”.

Chris: Oh, Jolene! Dolly Parton. Off with that one, boy.

Kenan: Oh, man! It’s like a story. Jolene can take your man if she wants to.

Chris: Cut it out, Jolene. Stop.

Michael Che: And you two had never heard that song before that moment?

Chris: No. Was it popular?

Michael Che: Yes. Incredibly. Well, either way, I thought it would be fun to play some songs and hear your reaction for the first time.

Chris: No doubt.

Kenan: Let’s do this.

Michael Che: Alright. Here we go. Let’s play something.

[“I’ll be there for you” by The Rembrandts is playing. Kenan and Chris are shaking their heads and enjoying. They’ve never heard it before.]

Kenan: Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

Chris: Yo, yo, yo. Hold on. Stop. They say, “Your life is DOA.” Like, dead or alive? It’s good to have options.

Kenan: Nah! I think he talking about Dua Lipa, yo!

Chris: Oh, with that guitar hitting, that was crazy.

Michael Che: You never heard that song before? It was a theme to one of the biggest TV shows of all time on NBC.

Chris: NBC? What’s that? STD or something?

Michael Che: Okay, never mind. Let’s keep going.

[“Baby Shark” by Pinkfong is playing. Kenan and Chris are rocking their bodies. They’ve never heard it before.]

Kenan: Hold up. Hold up. Stop. Ay! Baby shark is wild!

Chris: Yo, baby like du-du-du-du?

Kenan: Why is that baby shark by himself?

Chris: Yeah. Tada baby shark. Go home, baby.

Michael Che: So, that song has almost 8 billion views on YouTube and that’s the first time you ever heard of it?

Chris: Sure, but honestly, it’s the first time I’m hearing about baby sharks. Like, that’s crazy. I thought they were born full grown sharks.

Michael Che: Alright. Let’s try this one.

[Meow Mix commercial is playing. Kenan and Chris are dancing around. They’ve never heard it before.]

Chris: OH, hold on. No, they didn’t. No, they didn’t. Yo, no they didn’t do it.

Kenan: Yo! I didn’t even know that cats can get happy like that.

Chris: No, bro.

Kenan: They all sound sarcastic to me.

Chris: I’m not even a cat dude, but that was hot.

Michael Che: It’s also one of the most popular jiggles ever. It was a huge commercial.

Kenan: What’s a commercial? Like, a UFO?

Chris: Man!

Michael Che: I don’t know. Look, where have you guys been? Okay, try this.

[The nursery song of English alphabets “A-B-C…Z” is playing.]

Chris: Oh! Oh no!

Kenan: Hold up! Damn!

Chris: That’s so hot.

Kenan: Yo! I have never heard letters lined up before. That is crazy.

Chris: Yo, I wanna see how it ends, dawg.

Michael Che: With Z. It ends with Z.

Kenan: Oh, that’s fresh.

Chris: Yo, all can actually hear that.

Kenan: Word.

Michael Che: Hold on. Try this.

[SNL intro music is playing. Kenan and Chris are shaking their heads.]

Chris: Hm. I like this.

Kenan: That’s hot.

Chris: Oh, there’s a whole lot of saxophone. Like, too much, but I like it though.

Kenan: Yeah. Whoever is playing that sax on that song, he is like, playing sax.

Michael Che: TwinsTheNewTrend, everybody.

Chris: We’re going to be around for a long time.