Fred Armisen One Man Show Monologue

Fred Armisen

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Fred Armisen.

[Fred Armisen walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Fred Armisen: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so happy to be standing on this stage hosting Saturday Night Live, the finale. Yeah! And it’s not just the season finale, this is the last one ever! SNL is a very important place to me. I got my start here. I grew up here. I owe everything to this place. Which is why for the past six months I’ve been doing this one man show about my time at this incredible institution. It’s called ‘Love, from New York, I did Saturday’s right’. And if you guys don’t mind, I’d like to perform a part of it for you. What do you think?

[cheers and applause]

I’m gonna do a scene about my audition. Okay? It’s about 2 hours and 40 minutes long. I’m gonna chance my jacket.

[Someone brings in another jacket for 1 and he changes it, but it’s the same jacket.]

[music playing]

[acting] Hey, everybody. Look who it is. Funny Freddy. He thinks he’s gonna tell jokes for living. [changes voice] Hey Funny Freddy, you’re funny alright. Funny looking!

[narrating] Growing up in Long Island, no one ever gave me much of a chance of making it in show business.

[making voice] Why do you want to be a comedian, Freddy? Come work with me at the pizza parlor.

[narrating] Pa was always riding me working at pizzas. And mom, well, she just wanted me to settle down. [making mom’s voice] “When are you gonna find a nice girl, Freddy? What are you waiting for?”

[narrating] The truth was I don’t know what I was waiting for. So, one day the phone rang. Ring, ring. Ring, ring. You know, the funny thing about a phone call is you never know who it is until you answer it. It could be your aunt, your grandmother, an old friend or wrong number. Ha-ha-ha. But this… this was the call that changed my life. 

[acting like he’s talking on the phone] Hello. What? Saturday Night Live? You want me to audition? This better not be a joke.

[narrating] And it wasn’t a joke. It was the realest thing that had ever happened in my life. And after I packed my suitcase, I ran to the train station so fast that I swear, my feet didn’t even touch the ground.

[acting] Ay, look at Funny Freddy go. [changing voice] You’ll be back Freddy. Nobody makes it out of this town.

[narrating] But I couldn’t hear them because I had put on my headphones and I was listening to New York New York by the chairman himself, Frank Sinatra. I couldn’t afford the rights to that song so I had to do a sound alike, if you don’t mind. 

[singing] New York city
living in New York city

[narrating] The next thing I know we were pulling into 30 Rockefeller Plaza. And soon as on this stage doing my audition. I hit them with the Liberace.

[playing Liberace character] Oh, I’m a bad boy.

[narrating] Then I gave them the Ringo

[playing Ringo character] Peace and love. Peace and love.

[narrating] And then, I finished it off with Prince. [playing his Prince character] [cheers and applause]

Yes! When it’s over, I flowed off the stage. My feet didn’t even touch the ground. And NBC page walked up to me.

[making voice] Mr. Lorne Michaels would like to see you.

[narrating] The Lorne Michaels? And before I knew it, I was sitting across him in his office. The walls are lined with picture of him from the 70s, a few from the 80s, none from the past 10 years. And I don’t know if I’m supposed to talk or he is. Finally, he breaks the silence.

[playing Lorne Michaels] So, I think you’re very funny and I think you have a bright future.

[narrating] He sounded exactly the way I thought he would.

[playing Lorne Michaels] How would you like to work here?

[narrating] I walked outside in days. I grabbed a first person I see.

[walks to an audience and holds her] Is this a dream? Is this a dream? Is this a dream? Is this a dream? Is this a dream? Is this a dream? Is this a dream?

Audience: No.

Fred Armisen: No, you’re not supposed to answer. Is this a dream? Is this a dream? I’m asking you, is this a dream? [silence] Oh, you’re ruining it. Sorry.

[Fred walks to the stage]

I take the train home. The wheels didn’t even touch the track. As I got off, I looked around my town and I thought, I don’t even live here anymore. But then I heard a voice. [making voice] Ay Funny Freddy!

[narrating] Oh, no! Those two guys who never believed in me. Always gave me a hard time.

[making voice] Hey Funny Freddy.

What? What do you want?

[making voice] We’re proud of you.

[narrating] That’s the first time I thought, “I’m gonna miss this place. I am going to miss this place.” [walks around the stage silently]

The critics said that his part is too long but I like it.

Alright. [walking around] Okay, dim the lights down. [The lights dim] Not so fast. Not quick. No. Slow. Not at 22 to 24. There we go.

[walking around] Okay. Bring them back up a little bit. Back down. Down. Out. Out. Out. Out.

[sits down] Okay, fully up. Right back up. And there we are.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you very much. Definitely the next Hamilton. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Courtney Barnett is here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.