Weekend Update- Oprah Winfrey and Stedman Graham

Colin Jost

Oprah Winfrey… Leslie Jones

Stedman Graham… Chris Redd

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: After her claimed Golden Globe speech, Oprah Winfrey is considering running for president. Oprah’s long time partner Stedman Graham added to the rumors when he said the she would absolutely. Here to explain are Oprah and Stedman.

[Oprah Winfrey and Stedman Graham slide in]

Oprah Winfrey: Hello, America.

Stedman Graham: Yes, indeed. Yes, indeed. What she say.

Colin Jost: Alright. Let’s just start with this. Oprah, are you running?

Oprah Winfrey: Colin, I thought about it for a while.

Stedman Graham: Long time.

Oprah Winfrey: And I’d love to give you an answer.

Stedman Graham: Here it comes.

Oprah Winfrey: But I don’t know.

Stedman Graham: Nah. No answer today.

Oprah Winfrey: This is America. Running for political office is tough.

Stedman Graham: So, we’re not doing it.

Oprah Winfrey: But it would be worth it to serve my country.

Stedman Graham: Which is why we’re gonna do it.

Colin Jost: Now, Oprah, you’re already very powerful.

[Stedman Graham laughing hard]

Stedman Graham: You don’t even know.

Colin Jost: Why would you ever do this?

Oprah Winfrey: I’ll tell you, Colin. I need to get white women back on track.

Stedman Graham: Get them back on track, white women.

Oprah Winfrey: Ever since I’ve been off the air, they’ve gotten out of control. They voted for Trump.

Stedman Graham: Why?

Oprah Winfrey: They voted for Roy Moore

Stedman Graham: Yeah.

Oprah Winfrey: They kept twelve different shows about flipping houses on air. It’s a mess.

Stedman Graham: It’s a mess.

Oprah Winfrey: Somebody needs to look these women into eye and say, “You deserve my three favorite things.” Love.

Stedman Graham: Um-hmm.

Oprah Winfrey: Respect.

Stedman Graham: That’s right.

Oprah Winfrey: And a new panini maker. [pointing at the audience] You get a panini. You get a panini.

Stedman Graham: You too.

Oprah Winfrey: You get a panini.

Stedman Graham: At least three of y’all get paninis.

Oprah Winfrey: Who else is going to do that for them?

Stedman Graham: Nobody, that’s who.

Oprah Winfrey: I’m the only woman in America who is on first name basis with Dr. Phil…

Stedman Graham: Doctor.

Oprah Winfrey: Dr. Oz…

Stedman Graham: Another doctor.

Oprah Winfrey: And Dr. Dre.

Stedman Graham: That’s the whole medical community.

Colin Jost: Right. Yes. I understand. I’m sure you would be great but some people are saying that we don’t even know there’s celebrity president.

Oprah Winfrey: And I certainly understand that.

Stedman Graham: Yeah. That’s a good point.

Oprah Winfrey: But I disagree.

Stedman Graham: So, you’re wrong, Colin. Very mistaken.

Colin Jost: Now, if Oprah was president, can I ask what would your role be, Stedman?

Stedman Graham: Who? Me? You got a question for me? No one has ever asked me a question before. [clears throat] Okay, well my role would be simple. I’m gonna be the first Stedman.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. And what does that mean?

Stedman Graham: TBD. We’ll see what happens.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, I think you’ll both be great. Oprah, is there anyone out there who you think could beat you?

Oprah Winfrey: Yes. There’s one thing in my life that’s been able to beat me. Bread. All my life, I’ve lost a bread. Please. Don’t make me run against bread. I hate bread.

Colin Jost: Oprah and Stedman, everyone.

Oprah Winfrey: I’ll let you know soon.

Stedman Graham: I’ll let you know after she lets you know.

Morning Joe Michael Wolff Cold Open

Mika Brzezinski… Kate McKinnon

Joe Scarborough… Alex Moffat

Willie Geist… Mikey Day

Eddie Glaude… Chris Redd

Michael Wolff… Fred Armisen

Steve Bannon… Bill Murray

Oprah Winfrey… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Mornig Joe intro]

Song: Welcome to the nut house.

[Cut to Mika and Joe in their set]

Mika: Good morning.

Joe: Good morning.

[cheers and applause]

It’s a great song. Who is that?

Mika: Joe, you know who it is.

Joe: Oh yeah, it’s me. Ha-ha. That’s my original jam, ‘Welcome to the nut house.’ I’m Joe, that’s Mika. Willie Geist is here.

Willie: Good morning.

Joe: We just played that song live last night in prohibition. Mika was there.

Mika: I come because I have to.

[Mika and Joe start looking at each other intimately]

Joe: You come because I tell you to.

Mika: Oh my god. Can we not be this self aggrandizing this early in the morning? You’re digusting.

Joe: And you’re foul.

Mika: I’m gonna bar foul over you.

[Willie is confused] [Joe looks at the camera]

Joe: Let’s get to the news. President Trump is at it again. He’s using a deeply offensive when describing Haiti and some African country.

Mika: Can you trust?

Joe: Joining me to break this down is chair for the Center of African American Studies at Princeton, [Cut to Eddie] Eddie Glaude.

Eddie: How are you doing?

[Cut to split screen with Mika and Joe, and Eddie]

Joe: Eddie, this is an example of inflammatory racist language. Why do GOP leaders condemn this immediately?

Eddie: Well, first–

Joe: [interrupting] Because Eddie, you’ve studied this stuff extensively, okay? I mean, can you imagine any other president making comments like this? What’s your take?

Eddie: I mean–

Joe: [interrupting] I mean, this is not the first time that he said something like this. Is this a surprise giving his comments in the past? He’s taking about asian, he’s talking about Africans, and the question is this, when will they get to speak? When is it their turn? How long will they be silenced.

Eddie: I personally–

Joe: [interrupting] Eddie Glaude, great points. Thanks for joining us.

[Cut to Joe’s set]

Mika: Well, it has been a tough week for the president with the release of the sensational new book ‘Fire and Fury.’ Joining us is the author of that book, Michael Wolff.

[Michael Wolff joins Mika and Joe] [cheers and applause]

Michael Wolff: Thanks for having me.

Joe: Now, Michael, this book is wild.

Mika: Insane.

Joe: The conversations are so intimate–

Mika: It’s depressing. I’m depressed. It’s amazing what you’ve found. You say the president watches TV most of the day. He eats McDonald’s because he’s afraid of being poisoned. Is there anything you didn’t include?

Michael Wolff: Well, sure. Probably the worst one is the baby races.

Mika: What?

Joe: Can I get your pardon?

Michael Wolff: There were baby races. Trump would ask to have two babies placed in his office usually of different ethnicities. Someone would put a bowl of goldfish crackers on the other side of the room and Trump would say, “1,000 bucks on the black one.”

Mika: My– Is that real?

Michael Wolff: [smiling] Yeah.

Willie: Now, Michael, there has been several errors pointed out in this book already. Do you take responsibility for those?

Michael Wolff: Look, you read it, right?

[looks like they haven’t read it]

Mika: Yeah.

Joe: Of course.

Michael Wolff: And you liked it? You had fun?

[Willie is just nodding his head]

Joe: Yeah.

Mika: Yeah.

Michael Wolff: Well, what’s the problem? You got the gist. So, shut up. You know, even the stuff that’s not true, it’s true.

Mika: I knew it. I knew it was true. The White House is a– I can’t, and I can’t.

Joe: [interrupting] Okay, you know, hey, this one. [Mika is trying to speak] It has been at an 11 for the past year. Okay? I think you’re hangry.

Mika: Oh, you stop.

Joe: This one’s hangry. Come on. Hey, you, calm down. What do you want to do for lunch?

Mika: I don’t know.

Joe: Yeah. I know what you want. [Mika and Joe look into each other’s eyes intimately] You’re a steak florentine gal.

Mika: Yeah? You’re gonna feed me my meat? Coz you’re a dirty dog?

[Willie is shaking his head]

Joe: You know I am. Ruff. Ruff.

[Michael Wolff is looking at them and is uncomfortable] [Joe looks at the camera]

Michael, one person who is heavily featured in this book is Steve Bannon who is just like goes had a Breitbart news. Here to talk about it. Steve Bannon.

[Steve Bannon joins them. He is wearing grim reaper costume. He opens the costume and takes a seat.] [cheers and applause]

Steve, good lord.

Mika: My god, Steve. I always thought you look like death but this is death form–

Steve Bannon: Mika, nice words, blessings.

Mika: Okay, so you guys know each other, right?

Michael Wolff: Of course. I got him fired.

Steve Bannon: Come on. I got you hired.

Michael Wolff: Oh, you love it. Even the negative stuff. You love it.

Steve Bannon: Do love it, do live it. Look, no one gets the Bannon fire. No one.

Michael Wolff: Um, except me.

Steve Bannon: Hey!

Michael Wolff: I did.

Steve Bannon: I never said Don Jr. was treasonous.

Michael Wolff: Yes, you did.

Steve Bannon: Well, I certainly never said that he cracked like an egg on TV.

Michael Wolff: Uh, yeah, that sounds exactly like you.

Steve Bannon: Okay, that does sound like me. Yeah. Alright, thank you. Good reporting. But look, the Cannon magic still out there. Steve Bannon, the Bannon Cannon, magic, magic, magic, magic, magic, kind of king makers, ozymandias, the Bannon dynasty is dawning.

Mika: Uh-huh. And, um, what are you doing now?

Steve Bannon: I’m working on a web series for crackle. It’s called ‘Cocksy cars getting coffee.’ And I’m also coming out with a new line of wrinkled barn jackets called fruppers for guys. Spring time, skin care line. Blotch.

Michael Wolff: You know what? Come on. You know you’re done. It’s over.

Joe: Yeah, Steve, you think they’re ever let you back in politics?

Steve Bannon: Yes and on the Cannon’s terms too, as a king maker. I convinced this country to elect Donald. And I can do it again. Already auditioning candidates. Got some prospects. Logan Paul. Martin Shkreli. The subway guy, Jared Fogle. He’s back. He’s electable. It’s time for America to slide down the Bannon-ster. [smiles]

Michael Wolff: You know, Steve, I have to admit it. You did something amazing. You took the biggest long shot in history and you got him elected president. And you unleashed this monster of biblical proportions upon the universe.

Steve Bannon: Michael Wolff, it’s the sweetest thing anyone ever said to me. Thank you.

Mika: I can’t.

Joe: Mika.

Mika: I can’t.

Joe: Mika.

Mika: The America we loved is over and no one is coming to save us and no one can.

Joe: Well, you know what? Let’s go live by satellite to special guest.

[Cut to Oprah Winfrey] [cheers and applause]

Mika: Oh my god, it’s Oprah. I thought I smelled lavender and money.

Joe: Oprah, are you running?

[Cut to split screen with Mika and Joe, and Oprah]

Oprah: Well, I am a celebrity, so I’m qualified. But I’m different from Donald Trump because I am actually a billionaire. So, who knows? I mean there’s only one job in the world more powerful than being president.

Mika: And what’s that?

Oprah: Being Oprah. Bye.

[Cut to Joe’s set]

Joe: Thank you, Oprah. That was delightful. Thanks for being here. And

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.