Oscar Isaac Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Oscar Isaac.

[Oscar Isaac walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Oscar Isaac: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m so excited to be here. This is my first time hosting SNL. They actually asked me to host back in 2015. But I said “No, I’m not ready. I want to wait till after the pandemic.” And they were like, “What pandemic?”

My name is Oscar Isaac, but my full name is Óscar Isaac Hernández Estrada. I said to Hollywood, you can pick two of these names. Guess what they went with? The white ones. I’m half Guatemalan, half Cuban. Or casting directors call that ethnically ambiguous. According to them I can play anything from a Pharaoh to Timothée Chalamet’s daddy. You know that joke? A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. Yeah, I could play anyone in that joke.

But I am excited. I’m joining the Marvel Universe with Moon Knight. It’s kind of a full circle moment since the first movie I was ever in was called “The Avenger”. Not “The Avengers”, which was a massive blockbuster. No, no, this was “The Avenger” which is a movie that I wrote, directed and starred in when I was 10 years old. It was shot on location in my buddy Bruce Ferguson’s backyard in our hometown of Miami, Florida. I play a ninja assassin training to fight his nemesis and we actually have a clip. This is real. Check this out. [Cut to old video of Oscar Isaac when he was a kid doing kungfu stuff.] Okay, there’s the opening title. And there I am kind of losing my balance a little bit at perfect editing. And here comes my big stunt. A trained two months for this. [he breaks a stick] Ya!

[Cut back to Oscar Isaac]

I mean, arguably better than the real Avengers. And I made it for half the budget only $110 million. But I took it really seriously. Maybe a little too seriously, like in this scene. [Cut to another old video of Oscar Isaac when he was a kid.] Okay, they’re enacting my heart out and there’s my friend’s dad cleaning the pool. [Cut back to Isaac Oscar] Shout out to Mr. Ferguson. Shout out to my buddy Bruce. He’s at home watching and he had no idea our old movie was gonna be on SNL. I actually had to sign a licensing agreement to show it. It’s true. NBC Universal now owns the Avenger. Coming this fall to Peacock.

I’ve got one more clip. This is a scene I did with myself where I play both parts. Okay, here we go. [Cut to another old video of Oscar Isaac when he was a kid.] That’s that’s me on my own henchmen. Oh no, that’s what I do with a sword. Total commitment from the start. Now you might be asking, “Oscar, why did you use your monologue to show us these old home videos?” And the reason is, it’s important to encourage kids to be weirdos. Because every once in a while, one of those weirdos grows up to host SNL.

We got a great show for you tonight. Charli XCX is here. So stick around we’ll be right back.

Ted Cruz Sesame Street Cold Open

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

Big Bird… Kyle Mooney

Joe Rogan… Pete Davidson

Ernie… Mikey Day

Bert… Alex Moffat

Oscar…Chris Redd

Dracula… Aristotle Athari

Britney Spears… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Newsmax kids. At one it’s White Power Ranger. But first, it’s Ted Cruz Street.

[Cut to Ted Cruz standing in front of a door.]

Ted Cruz: Hello. Hello, I’m Texas senator and the last one invited to Thanksgiving, Ted Cruz. You know, for Ernie0 years I stood by Sesame Street, taught our children dangerous ideas like numbers and kindness. But when Big Bird told children to get vaccinated against deadly disease, I said, “Enough!”. And I created my own Sesame Street called Cruz Street. It’s a gated community where kids are safe from the World Government. Tell them kids.

[There are three kids who are singing]

Kids: Cruzy days
sweeping the libs away
and he hopes you’ll say

that his beard looks sweet

Ted Cruz: Grab an eagle and a gun

Kids: Bring that gun to cruz street

[Marjorie Taylor Greene walks in with a rifle]

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Did someone say bring gun?

Ted Cruz: Oh. Marjorie Taylor Greene. What are you doing here?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: I’m just taking a break from releasing the phone numbers of Republicans who voted for the infrastructure bill so they and their families get death threats. And I thought I’d stop by. Here kid, you want to hold the AR-Ted CruzErnie?

Andrew: I don’t think I should.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Pussy.

Ted Cruz: And I hear you have a word from our sponsor.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: That’s right. Today’s episode is brought to you by Q. Not the letter, the man. He will tell us when JFK Jr. who is alive will reveal himself and help President Trump reclaim his rightful throne.

Ted Cruz: Everything about that sounds right. Thanks, Marjorie.

Marjorie Taylor Greene:  I represent America.

Ted Cruz: Now, as you know, I was mocked for attacking Big Bird on Twitter, simply because I’m a human senator and he is an eight foot tall fictional bird. But let’s see what happened to Big Bird after he got the vaccine.

[Big Bird walks in. It’s a guy wearing yellow bird costume]

Big Bird: Oh, man. I don’t feel too good.

Ted Cruz: Wow. So this is what happened to you a week after you got the vaccine?

Big Bird: It sure is. My feathers fell out. My nuts got huge. And my joints don’t work. It’s real bad man.

Ted Cruz: Well, don’t worry. I read online that you can take a bath in Borax, and that will cleanse you have any nanotechnology?

Andrew: You’re sure, Senator Cruz? That sounds kind of dumb.

Ted Cruz: No. You’re dumb. Borax is cool.

Big Bird: Maybe the vaccine gave me COVID.

Ted Cruz: Yes, yes, that sounds correct. Let’s ask our resident medical expert, Joe Rogan.

[Joe Rogan walks in eating chips]

Joe Rogan: Yes, that’s right. I used to host Fear Factor and now doctors fear me.

Big Bird: Can you help me, Joe?

Joe Rogan: Oh, sure thing Big Bird. You see, I took Carlos Mencia down. I can take COVID. Here some zinc, and ayahuasca and some horse medicine.

Big Bird: But why would a bird take horse medicine?

Joe Rogan: I’m a human and I took horse medicine. And I’m speaking of things that are a horse like. Today’s two sponsors are the letters S and D as in I can S my own D.

Bowen: Oh my god. Isn’t this for kids?

Andrew: No one under 65 watches.

Melissa: I’m almost 30.

Ted Cruz: Thanks, Joe Rogan. But S and D aren’t the only letters we’re talking about today. There’s also three terrible letters C, R and T. Critical Race Theory. And I think it stands for Caucasian Rights Trampled. That’s why the proud boys have been invading school board meetings to keep CRT out of our classrooms. Please welcome to have the proud boys, Bert and Ernie.

[Ernie and Bert walk in]

Ernie: Hi. Hi, Ted.

Bert: And yeah, we are out and proud.

Ted Cruz: That’s right. They are out there every day proudly fighting the progressive agenda.

Ernie: Our relationship has progressed a bit.

Bert: We got engaged. [showing their rings] Ha-ha-ha.

Ted Cruz: Engaged in a battle against the tyranny of wokers.

Ernie: Hey, Bert, let’s go take a bath.

[Ernie and Bert leave]

Ted Cruz: Their girlfriends are very lucky. Now another danger facing our country is the Democrats new social safety net bill.

[Oscar comes out of trash can. He’s wearing Grinch costume.]

Oscar: Did somebody say free money?

Ted Cruz: Uh-oh, it’s been Nemesis Oscar the slouch. He’s been trained by the Democrats to suck up the the government.

Oscar: That’s right. Papa Joe Biden gave me so many STEMIs, I decided to quit working and live in this trash can. Now you all work hard and Biden gives me your money.

Ted Cruz: Wow. And you have no shame about that?

Oscar: Um-um. I’m proud of it. I’m a ward of the state. I use your tax money on drugs and pornography.

Ted Cruz: At least he admitted it. All Democrats are him. Let’s take a quick break. And when we return we’ll find out how Trump definitely won the election with the recount count.

[ A guys walks in Dracula custume.]

Dracula: I’m moving to Arizona.

Ted Cruz: And don’t miss our Word of the day, Freedom, with Miss Britney Spears.

[Britney Spears walks in dancing]

Britney Spears: Oh my god, you guys. We did it.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

What Up With That- Oscar Isaac, Emily Ratajkowski and Nicholas Braun

Mikey Day

Oscar Isaac

Emily Ratajkowski

Nicholas Braun

Deandre Cole… Kenan Thompson

Vance… Jason Sudeikis

Giuseppe… Fred Armisen

[Starts with Mikey introducing the show]

Mikey: It’s “What’s Up With That?”, Halloween edition. Taking on the issues of today with soul. Tonight from Doom, Oscar Isaac. [cheers and applause] Model an actress, Emily Ratajkowski. [cheers and applause] And from Succession, Nicholas Braun. [cheers and applause] Here’s your host, Deandre Cole.

[Deandre Cole walks in]

Deandre Cole: [singing] I woke up this morning and I got out of bed
had a big old cup of coffee to clear my head
hiding from the ghost and a scary black cat
to trick or treat and tell me what’s up with that

Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

What’s up with that? Oh, yeah. Yeah. 

Well, thank you very much for joining us on What’s Up With That where we are excited about Halloween. It might get a little creepy. Might get a little sneaky. Might get a little peaky. Don’t got to sleepy. It’s gonna be spooky, cooky, ooky, goopy, soupy, loopy, it’s the great pumpkin snoopy

[singing] Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

[Vance walks in dancing and Giuseppe walks in playing sax] Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, what’s up, I say what’s up, somebody tell me what is up with that?

Now if I’m out here trick or treating, don’t you give me no damn fruit, yeah!

Okay. Well, that was fun. That was fun. Vance, man, good to see you. How are those knees doing? And Giuseppe, I hope your wife is feeling better. [Guiseppe is laughing] That wasn’t a joke, Guiseppe. Okay. Joining us tonight is the great actor Oscar Isaac who is dressed up as a pirate.

Oscar Isaac: Ha-ha. Ohoi! Good to see you, Deandre. Good to see you.

Deandre Cole: It’s good to see you too. We go way back. You remember Miami? I know you do. I know you do. And next to him, we have Emily Ratajkowski. She is a cat.

Emily Ratajkowski: Meow, Deandre.

Deandre Cole: Well, me to the yow to you too. And next, he has been on every show that we have ever had for the past 1Oscar Isaac years, Lindsay Buckenham.

Nicholas Braun: No. No. Sorry. I’m–

Deandre Cole: Lindsay, that is the best cousin Greg from Succession costume I have ever seen.

Nicholaus Braun: No, no. I am Nicholaus Braun.

Deandre Cole: Whatever, Lindsay. You are the busiest man in the show biz with projects like Scenes from Marriage, the Card Counter and Doom. How do you play so many different characters?

Oscar Isaac: It’s a good question. Well, no. They’re all different people. But there are similarities to them. [drum hi-hat starts playing] What is that? No, no, no, you’re not gonna do that to me, right?

Deandre Cole: No. No. Go ahead.

Oscar Isaac: Okay. Well, in the sense, all the characters are going to go through existential crisis.

Deandre Cole: [singing] Existential crisis.

Oscar Isaac: Uh, huh. And you know, there’s like a sense of poetry to them. They all deal with pain and loss, confusion.

Deandre Cole: [singing] Pain, loss and confusion.

Oscar Isaac: Yeah. So, for me, it’s all about whether there’s room to explore something interesting.

Deandre Cole: [singing] Exploring in the depths, and I got to say
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

ladies and gentlemen, get ready to get freaky and funky because they are the spookiest disco group in the world, the HeeBee Beegees.

[HeeBee Beegees walk in dancing]

HeeBee Beegees: [singing] eat your face, HeeBee Beegees
you better eat your face, that beautiful face

Deandre Cole: Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

Ladies and gentlemen, he got along in the 2003 baseball play offs, Chicago Cubs outcast, Steve Bartman.

[Steve Bartman walk in and dances]

Go Bartman, go Bartman. Got the baseball, got the baseball. You’re forgiven, you’re forgiven.

Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
What’s up… I say what’s up… somebody tell me what is up with that?
Somebody pull liners at the pumpkin patch that dump and miss Halloween again, Yeah!

Whoo! Well, we out of time. But I wanna thank Oscar Isaac for being here.

Oscar Isaac: Yeah. That went exactly as I thought it would go. Yeah.

Deandre Cole: And thank you to Ms. Emily Ratatakowski.

Emily Ratajkowski: I flew out for this?

Deandre Cole: And thank you for your service. And oh no, Lindsay Buckenham. Man, I wanted to hear all the secrets behind the cousin Greg costume. I’m sorry.

Nicholaus Braun: I’m actually Nicholas Braun. Please.

Deandre Cole: You are a sneaky one, Lindsay. Go win the cousin Greg contest. And Vance, take care of your knees, man. [Vance is drinking whiskey out the bottle] Until next time.

[singing] Hey, hey, hey, hey,
Oh, wee, What’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, What’s up with that? What’s up with that?

Weekend Update Melissa Villaseñor on Oscar Snubs

Colin Jost

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set.]

Colin Jost: Guys, the Oscars nominations were announced last week and here to discuss her thoughts on these awards is our own Melissa Villaseñor.

[Melissa Villaseñor slides in]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yay! Hi, Colin. Ah, I’m so excited for the Oscars this year. I think I have a really good chance to win.

Colin Jost: Oh, I’m sorry. But, for what?

Melissa Villaseñor: My music. I wrote original songs for all the top movies. Like this one. Here’s my song for Joker. Hit it fellas

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor. There’s a picture of Joker movie logo at left top corner.] [music playing] [singing] Joaquin Phoenix, skinny, skinny
laughs a lot but still so scary
dances on steps, goes stompy, stompy
puts a pillow over crazy mommy
but the thing that this movie is really about
is white male rage, white male rage
white male rage.. Joker!

[music stops] [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. Wow. Yea, that was great Melissa. I gotta say I don’t remember that song in Joker. And I watch that movie everyday while I work out.

Melissa Villaseñor: What a weirdo! Well, did you at lease like the song?

Colin Jost: I mean, I am no music critic but it seemed like it was just a description of the movie and then it took a weird turn into social commentary.

Melissa Villaseñor: Ah, thanks. Well, here’s another one. My song for The Irishman.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor. There’s a picture of The Irishman movie logo at left top corner.] [same music playing] [singing] This movie has a lots of offer
Al Pacino as Jimmy Hopper
Gangster life gets kinds messy
Robert De Niro and lil’ Joe Pesci
It’s three hours long, they’re old and they’re young
and it’s white male rage, white male rage
white male rage… Irishman!

[music stops] [Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That was great, Melissa. That one definitely was not in the Irishman. And I should know. I watch that movie alone on Christmas day.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: So sad. Of course, none of these songs are in the movies, Colin. Here’s another one.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: How many more do you have?

Melissa Villaseñor: A whole bunch.

Colin Jost: Okay.

Melissa Villaseñor: But I’ll just combine them all, okay? Hit it boys.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor. There’s a picture of Hollywood board at left top corner.] [same music playing] [singing] Manson Hitler, white male rage
World War I coz of white male rage
Little Women big performances
but Greta Gerwig snubbed coz of white male rage
Buzz and Woody had it again
and it’s white male rage, white male rage
white male rage!

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Melissa Villaseñor, everyone.

Melissa Villaseñor: See you at the Oscars.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Grouch (Joker Parody)

Chris Redd

Oscar… David Harbour

Therapist… Ego Nwodim

News Reporter… Bowen Yang

Kenan Thompson

Heidi Gardner

Beck Bennett

Elmo… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a video footage of New York city] [Cut to Chris Redd and Oscar]

Chris Redd: Damn, that smells straight like ass.

[Oscar opens a trash can]

Oscar: I don’t know. I kind of like it.

Chris Redd: Yeah? You like trash so much why don’t you live in it?

Oscar: Why don’t you bite me?

Oscar: Damn, Oscar, why you such a grouch, man?

[Cut to narrative video]

Announcer: From the studio that brought you “Joker” and the twisted mind at Sesame Workshop, comes the next gritty antihero origin story.

[Cut to Therapist]

Therapist: Why do you think you’re always in such a bad mood?

[Cut to Oscar]

Oscar: That ain’t me. Things are getting worse out there.

[Cut to TV news]

News Reporter: Once friendly neighborhood of “Sesame Street” has now become a haven of crime and corruption. I’m guy smiley, ABCDEFG news.

[Cut to Oscar walking on the street]

Oscar: Hookers and pimps on every corner.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson and Lady]

Kenan Thompson: Now, look, prairie dog, you want a snuffy’s ho’s. Okay? And snuffy’s ho’s earn.

Lady: I’m sorry, daddy.

Kenan Thompson: Bitch, you better shut your damn mouth for good.

[Cut to Oscar watching]

Oscar: People are getting killed over nothing.

[Cut to an alley where where people getting robbed]

Robber: Give me the ducky.

Alex Moffat: Ernie! Give it to him!

Ernie: Hell no, bitch!

[The robber stabs Ernie]

Alex Moffat: No! Ah!

[Cut to Therapist]

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

[Cut to Oscar]

Oscar: Grouchy.

[Cut to video clips of Oscar acting like Joker]

When everyone calls you trash, and everyone treats you like trash, why don’t you just become trash?

Announcer: Variety asks, Did we need a dark take on “Oscar the Grouch?” “No,” says the New York Times. The beloved residents are obsessing on streets like you’ve never seen before.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner dressed as a clown]

Heidi Gardner: Do you want to see this big bird dance?

[Cut to Beck Bennett dressed as a vampire]

Beck Bennett: Three! Three pearls for me.

[Cut to a police arresting Melissa Villaseñor]

Elmo: I’m innocent. I’m not going to sell no crack. You only arrest Elmo because Elmo Mexican!

Oscar: Sunny Day.

Announcer: From director, Todd Phillips.

Oscar: Sweeping the clouds away.

Announcer: And the writer of “P is for Potty.”

Oscar: Oh my way to where the air is sweet

Can you tell me how to get

Oscar: Would you do me one favor? Could you call me the grouch?

Announcer: Brought to you by the letter R.

Oscar: Scram!

Family Feud: Oscar Nominees | Season 44 Episode 13

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Spike Lee… Don Cheadle

Glenn Close… Kate McKinnon

Sam Elliot… Beck Bennett

Olivia Colman… Cecily Strong

Lady Gaga… Melissa Villaseñor

Bradley Cooper… Kyle Mooney

Rami Malek… Pete Davidson

Mahershala Ali…Chris Redd

[Starts with Celebrity Family Feud intro with celebrities in the program set.]

Narrator: It’s time to play Celebrity Family Feud, Oscar Nominees. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve walks in the set]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Okay. Now, welcome to Celebrity Family Feud, Oscar Nominees. I never won an Oscar. I do got an EGOT, as in he got a lot of buttons on this jacket. All our contestants today is up for Oscars. We got film veterans [Cut to team Veterams, who are Spike lee, Glenn Close, Sam Eliott and Olivia Colman] versus movie newbies [Cut to team Newbies, who are Lady Gaga, Bradley Cooper, Rami Malek and Mahershala Ali].

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

All right. We were gonna do a team of all black woman nominees, but Regina King is on vacation. On the veteran side, he’s nominated for director of “BlacKkKlansman”, Mr. Spike Lee.

[Cut to Spike Lee]

Spike Lee: Brooklyn in the house.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You think you’re going to win, Spike?

[Cut to Spike Lee]

Spike Lee: Come on, Steve, I bought season tickets to the New York Knicks every year for the past 25 years. You think I like winning?

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh snap. You funny. You like a little Black Leprechaun. All right, next from “The Wife” is Glenn Close.

[Cut to Blenn Close]

Glenn Close: Don’t you touch me. You come here week after week with your lies and cheap suits. Pitting family against family. Well, guess what, Steve. I’m tired of feuding. I’m tired. I’m kidding. I’m very well. Thank you.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: That was weird. I think you trying to get an Oscar for best performance on a game show. All right. Next, he is nominated for “A Star is Born”, Mr. Sam Elliott.

[Cut to Sam Elliott]

Sam Elliott: Real nice to be here Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, what you going do if you win that Oscar Sam?

[Cut to Sam Elliott]

Sam Elliott: Well, I’ll probably sell it and get my necks fixed. Damn thing won’t stand up right.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Man, you like a barbecue sauce commercial came to life. And from the movie “The Favor You Like” is some lady named Olivia Coleman.

[Cut to Olivia Coleman]

Olivia Coleman: Hi, actually “The Favorite”. It’s British. I’m Olivia. A very celebrated English actress. Played two queens– I’m sorry. I’m a bit pissed at the moment. I’ve been celebrating my two Golden Globes. None of you know who the hell I am. I can do or say whatever I want. So I really love it. Oh, whee!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you are cheeky little crumpet. All right. Let’s go to the newbie side. She’s a singer nominated for best actress and she was named by a baby. It’s Lady Gaga.

[Cut to Lady Gaga]

Lady Gaga: Thank you. It is such an honor to be on the feud. If 99 people are surveyed, you just need one person to believe in you to win the game.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, I don’t think that’s how it works.

[Cut to Lady Gaga]

Lady Gaga: It works if you dream it. [Starts singing] [Bradley Cooper joins Lady Gaga]

Bradley Cooper: Isn’t she great?

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Bradley Cooper. What you doing on the newbie side?

[Cut to Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga]

Lady Gaga: He has to be with me. It’s a rule.

Bradley Cooper: I saw this woman at the Superbowl halftime show and had this wild idea. I thought, maybe she could play a singer.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you thinking outside the box. All right. Next, he’s nominated for “Bohemian Rhapsody”. Mr. Rami Malek. [Cut to Rami Malek. Rami has no expression.] Congratulations, Rami.

Rami Malek: Thanks. I’m so surprised.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Yeah, you look surprised, player. Your eyeballs look like they ‘bout to make a run for it. And finally, he’s nominated for the ‘Green Book’, it’s Mahershala Ali.

[Cut to Mahershala Ali]

Mahershala Ali: Wonderful to be here.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know, I got a question about the last scene in your movie where the white guy teaches the black guy how to eat fried chicken.

[Cut to Mahershala Ali]

Mahershala Ali: That wasn’t the last scene Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: It was for me. Let’s get two players up here. Let’s go.

[Lady Gaga and Spike Lee walks to the buzzer to start the game]

Lady Gaga: Spike, I adore your films. I’d love to be in one sometime.

[Cut to Spike Lee]

Spike Lee: Oh, that’s so nice. No.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Lady Gaga and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: Okay. 100 people surveyed. Top six answers on the board. Everybody gotta look their best for the Oscars. Name something you do when you want to look sexy. [Lady Gaga hits the buzzer first] [Beeping] Gaga.

[Cut to Lady Gaga]

Lady Gaga: I feel sexy when I’m on stage and I make the face of a lion that’s about to pounce. Like this.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Lady Gaga and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: Hmm, okay. Show me stroke face. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is wrong] [Buzzer] Oh, I’m sorry. [Cut to Steve Harvey, Lady Gaga and Spike Lee] Not up there. Spike, you gotta answer.

[Cut to Spike Lee]

Spike Lee: If I want to do sexy, I put on a romantic movie.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Lady Gaga and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: Oh, that’s nice. Like what?

Spike Lee: “Roots”.

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me getting freaky to the wrong stuff. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is right] [Ringing]Oh, it’s up there. [Cut to Steve Harvey, Lady Gaga and Spike Lee] Number three answer. All right. Y’all got the board. [Cut to team Steve Harvey and team Veterans] Okay, Glen Close, something you do when you want to feel sexy.

Glenn Close: Don’t touch me. [Cut to Glenn Close] You want to know what’s sexy? A woman in her prime. A woman who has stories written in the lines of her face. You look right passed me. Don’t you? Well, one day you’re gonna look up and I will be long gone. I’m just kidding. Lingerie, maybe?

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Glenn Close and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: Okay, show me queuing up the scenery. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is wrong] [Buzzer] Oh, it’s not there. I’m sorry. [Cut to Steve Harvey, Sam Elliott, Glenn Close and Spike Lee] Sam Elliott, something you do to feel sexy.

Sam Elliott:  Well, [Cut to Sam Elliott] I can’t really say. Maybe I’ll put on a clean barn jacket and comb mustache.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Sam Elliott, Glenn Close and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: You know, I never thought that I would be intrigued by another man mustache, but that thing is a specimen. I’ll admit it. I have mustache envy. Show me bringing the white heat. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is wrong] [Buzzer] Oh, it’s not up there. [Cut to Steve Harvey, Olivia Coleman, Sam Elliott, Glenn Close and Spike Lee] All right. That’s two strikes. Let’s be a little careful. One more, the other team gets a chance to steal. Let’s go Olivia. Something that you do to feel sexy.

[Cut to Olivia coleman]

Olivia Coleman: Well, I am English. I suppose what’s sexy to us is a good cup of tea, flirty but polite answer and a couple of fingers in the bum. I’m sorry. I’m a bit pissed.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Olivia Coleman, Sam Elliott, Glenn Close and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me Mary Poppins stopping that nonsense. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is wrong] [Buzzer] Oh, not there either. All right. Oscar newbies, [Cut to Stever Harvey and team Oscar Newbies] you got a chance to steal. Give me some answers.

Mahershala Ali: Be real.

Bradley Cooper: Be Bradley Cooper?

Steve Harvey: All right, Gaga. You’re the team leader. [Cut to Steve Harvey and Lady Gaga] What do you do to feel sexy?

Lady Gaga: You know, it’s weird Steve. [Cut to Lady Gaga] I didn’t truly feel sexy until I started making music, then suddenly, I was selling records and dating all the time. I was like some miracle happened, I don’t know.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and Lady Gaga]

Steve Harvey: Well, I think I do. Show me, she got rich. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is right] [Ringing] Number one answer. [Cut to Steve Harvey] All right. Yeah, turn me into a sex symbol too. Let’s take a break. I gotta find me some extra security because I think Monique’s waiting for me in the parking lot. We’ll be right back.


Weekend Update: Melissa Villaseñor’s Grammy Awards Picks | Season 44 Episode 12

Colin Jost,

Malissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow night is the 61st Annual Grammy Awards, here to talk about who she thinks should win is our very own Melissa Villaseñor.

[Cut to Malissa Villaseñor coming in dressed as Lady Gaga]

Malissa Villaseñor: Yeah, thank you, Colin.

[Cut to Colin and Malissa]

You know, everyone has been on the edge of their seats waiting to hear my Grammy picks. Here we go.

Colin Jost: Okay, wait – hold on one second. Melissa, are dressed up as Lady Gaga?

Malissa Villaseñor: What? No, I just wore this for all my Melissa Monsters out there.

Colin Jost: All right. Sure, so let’s get started with the Grammy picks. Who is your choice for song of the year?

[Cut to Malissa]

Malissa Villaseñor: Oh, my god. I just heard this song for the first time this morning. It’s called “Shallow”. Have you heard it?

[Cut to Colin and Malissa]

Colin Jost: The Lady Gaga song? Yeah, I’ve heard it.

Malissa Villaseñor: That’s Gaga? Wow. So you have heard it.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I mean pretty much everyone has heard it basically everyday for the past three months, yeah.

Malissa Villaseñor: Well, in case you haven’t heard it –-

Colin Jost: We have.

Malissa Villaseñor: It goes a little something like this –

[Cut to Malissa singing with Lady Gaga impression]

♪Tell me something girl, are you happy in this modern world♪

[Cut to Colin and Malissa]

Colin Jost: Okay. All right. Yes, great. I know you’ve been trying to get your Lady Gaga impression on the show for a while now.

Malissa Villaseñor: How dare you. I’m not doing an impression. I am Melissa. And this is my famous Grammy preview.

Colin Jost: Okay, because you’re wearing a Lady Gaga wig.

Malissa Villaseñor: This isn’t a wig. I was born this way.

Colin Jost: Oh, okay. Is just makes it seem like you’re a little obsessed with Lady Gaga.

Malissa Villaseñor: So what Colin? When I heard this song for the first time this morning, I felt like I was –

[Cut to Malissa singing with Lady Gaga impression]

♪Falling in all the good times I find myself
longing for change and in the bad times I fear myself♪

[Kyle Mooney comes in and sing’s Bradley Cooper’s part]

♪In the Shall la-la-la low
In the Shall la-la-la low♪

[Kyle Mooney leaves]

Colin Jost: Wait! That was Kyle’s whole part? That was it?

Malissa Villaseñor: Yes.

Colin Jost: This is great, but I don’t know we could afford the rights to perform “Shallow” on the show. I’m sorry.

[Cut to Malissa singing with Lady Gaga impression]

Malissa Villaseñor: Hey.

♪Tell me something boy, aren’t you tired trying to fill that void.
[cut to Malissa and Colin]
or do you need more, ain’t it so hard keeping it so hardcore♪

Colin Jost: Well, sometimes yes.

Malissa Villaseñor: [Cut to Malissa singing with Lady Gaga impression]

♪oh oh oh, whoa whoa whoa whoa
I’m off the deep end watch as I dive in
I’ll never meet the ground♪

[Cut to Malissa and Colin]

Malissa Villaseñor: Melissa Villaseñor, everyone!