Weekend Update- Laura Parsons on the 2017 Oscars & Trans Rights

Michael Che

Laura parsons… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: It’s time once again for our newscasters of Tomorrow segment, where a kid joins us to give the news from their perspective. So, please welcome kid actress, Laura Parsons.

[Laura Parsons slides in] [cheers and applause]

Laura Parsons: Hello, Michael. What a thrill it is to be here.

[singing] News, talking about news
they say that it’s fake but that’s just happened
anything on news

Michael Che: That was adorable. Laura, you’re an actress, did you watch the Oscars?

Laura Parsons: Of course, I did. It was so exciting. [Cut to Laura Parsons] [singing] City of stars
are you shining just for me?

That’s how people sing in Hollywood.

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura Parsons]

Michael Che: Yeah, very good. Did you see any of the winning movies?

Laura Parsons: Well, I didn’t see ‘Moonling’. My mother says it’s too grown up for me. But I know it featured brilliant performances, amazing cinematography [in loud voice] and a sea side handjob!

Michael Che: Wait! Hey, I don’t know if you should be saying that. And where did you even hear that term? Where did you learn that?

Laura Parsons: Well, someone wrote in on the wall of our school bathroom. And speaking of school bathrooms, Trump just rolled back rights of transgender students to use a bathroom of their choice. Isn’t that terrible?

Michael Che: Yes, that’s right. But do you know exactly what that issue is about?

Laura Parsons: I think so. [Cut to Laura Parsons] Some people think you should choose which bathroom you use based on your gender identity. But the government [in loud voice] wants to lift up your skirt and judge your ding-dongs!

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura Parsons]

Michael Che: Laura! Do you even know what transgender means?

Laura Parsons: I think so.  [Cut to Laura Parsons] It’s when you look down at your privates and say “Why I ought to.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura Parsons]

Michael Che: No. No. Let’s talk about something that’s not even in the news. Have you seen any good TV shows lately?

Laura Parsons: I sure have. Do you like prank shows, Michael?

Michael Che: Not really.

Laura Parsons: Well, I do. I love all kinds of pranks. [Cut to Laura Parsons] Except last week when a woman was tricked into spraying Kim Jong-Un’s half-brother [in loud voice] with nerve toxin.

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura Parsons]

Michael Che: How do you know–

Laura Parsons: [in loud voice] The prank was murder!

Michael Che: Laura, I feel like I say this a lot. But let’s talk about something way lighter. What about something from your life?

Laura Parsons: Well, I’m going to visit my grandparents soon.

Michael Che: That’s very nice.

[Cut to Laura Parsons]

Laura Parsons: Luckily, they live in a beautiful condo and not one of the thousands of nursing homes that’s been cited for elder abuse and [in loud voice] sexual assault.

[Cut to Michael Che and Laura Parsons]

Michael Che: Laura!

Laura Parsons: You might wanna google it [in loud voice] before nana gets raped!

Michael Che: Alright! That’s enough. Thank you for being here, Laura, you– you did great. Thank you so much.

Laura Parsons: I did? [singing] Pa-pa-pa pa-di-pa-pa
And that’s in the news

Michael Che: Laura Parsons, everybody. Very good. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.

Weekend Update Chloe Fineman on The 2020 Oscars

Colin Jost

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, the Oscars are this Sunday. Here to comment is our own, Chloe Fineman.

[Chloe Fineman slides in] [cheers and applause]

Chloe Fineman: Woo! So happy to be here, Colin.

Colin Jost: We’re so happy to have you. So, I hear you’re pretty pumped for the Oscars this year.

Chloe Fineman: You bet. I love the Oscars. [Cut to Chloe Fineman] It is my favorite holiday. I am just such a huge fan of all the actresses nominated this year. And I have learnt so much from studying their performances.

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Great! Would you mind sharing some of what you learned?

Chloe Fineman: Sure! Um, so let’s start with my favorite technique which is something that I like to call ‘steering wheel acting’.

Colin Jost: Steering? What’s that?

Chloe Fineman: You’ve seen it. It’s the scene in every Oscar movie where a broken woman is [sobbing] finally alone in her car [Cut to Chloe Fineman] and just let’s all go like… [starts acting like she’s crying in the car, hitting the steering wheel.] [Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Um, yeah. And is she laughing or crying?

Chloe Fineman: Neither. She is acting!

Colin Jost: Great! And can I ask, what are some examples in this year’s nominated films?

Chloe Fineman: Um, okay, [Cut to Chloe Fineman] well there was Martha, the virtuous nurse in Knives Out. [Chloe Fineman is doing steering wheel acting again] Oh, the knives! The knives! They were all out. They were all out!

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

And in Judy, Renée Zellweger broke from the form with some back seat acting.

[Cut to Chloe Fineman. She is doing the acting.]

Driver darling. Driver darling, pull over. I can’t see my mouth. It’s dry. Cling, cling, cling, went the trolley.

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. Wow. Now, I’m curious, what about the film like Little Women? Because they didn’t have cars back then?

Chloe Fineman: Oh, no steering wheel? An actor’s nightmare! [Cut to Chloe Fineman] Fortunately, the cast of Little Women broke out an ancient technique called ‘buggy acting’.

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh.

Chloe Fineman: For example, Saoirse Ronan. [Chloe Fineman starts acting] Women have hearts and minds as well as souls. And I’m just so sick of being told otherwise.

And then Timothée Chalamet is like…

[Chloe Fineman starts acting] Wait! I’ve loved you my whole life because of your heart and your mind as well as your beautiful body. Ha-ha-ha. La-la-la-la.

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

And then, Meryl Streep is like, watching the whole thing like…

[Chloe Fineman starts acting] Oh, well, you know. Oh, well, you know. These young actors are just utterly delicious. Florence Pugh!

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And I’m curious. Were there any non-vehicle performances that stuck with you?

Chloe Fineman: Oh, yeah. [Cut to Chloe Fineman] Yes. Marriage story taught me a lot about teacup acting. It’s like when Scarjo is like…

[starts acting] So, I saw Charlie in this play. And he was this big bear. Do you feel like you’re at home, Colin?

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I don’t. No. You don’t have to… You don’t have to do that. Thanks. It’s really good. Thank you.

Chloe Fineman: And then Laura turns like…

[starts acting] The babysitter? The babysitter? I will not, not be rich.

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost] [cheers and applause]

Colin Jost: I believe that was from Big Little Lies. Which is TV.

Chloe Fineman: No, Colin. It’s the Oscars.

Colin Jost: Chloe Fineman, everyone!

Chloe Fineman: [honking] Peep peep!

[cheers and applause]