Weekend Update Queen Moves Out of Buckingham Palace Box of Heads Stolen

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of “The Gilded Age” show logo at right top corner]

Michael Che: The new HBO show “Gilded Age” is being praised for highlighting wealthy black families that lived in New York in the late 1800s, until they were driven out by wealthy industrialist Colin Jost I (Colin Jost the first). [Picture changes to an edited photo of Colin Jost from 1800s].

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Buckingham Palace at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Queen Elizabeth II has permanently moved out of Buckingham Palace and this is weird, in with John Mayer. [Picture changes to edited picture of John Mayer and Queen Elizabeth II.] [Picture changes to an article that says “Box of heds stolen from truck” at left top corner.]

Thief in Colorado broke into a truck and stole a box of human heads. Even more disturbing, it was an Arby’s truck.

Male voice: [commercial] Arby’s, we have the human heads.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of John Travolta and Lupita Nyong’o at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Produces for this year’s Oscars announced that presenters will include John Travolta and Lupita Nyong’o, or as Travolta calls her, the wickedly talented Lucrecia Bonobos.

[Picture changes to a laptop]

New report shows that during the pandemic meth users met online to use the drug together, mostly on the popular meth user app, Tooth Grindr. You get it?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of rivers, mountains and trees at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The US government announced that it would rename more than 600 rivers, mountains and other landmarks that use a racial slur for Native American women. Wow. So we changed those names but they can still just call a restaurant Cracker Barrel?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked on 8th March, Michael Che0Michael CheMichael Che at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Tuesday was International Women’s Day . So hopefully you remember to smile.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Scientists could bring back extinct rat” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Scientists are saying that by using new gene editing technology, they could bring back the extinct Christmas Island rat… or not! The other option is not.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a train at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A video has gone viral of a man urinating on a New York City subway while other passengers appeared not to care, but they were probably too nervous to say something because I’m on TV.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a cartoon that says “I need a new butt!” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: An Assistant Principal in elementary school in Mississippi was fired after he read the class a children’s book “I need a new butt!”. The book is about a lovable rabbit who just ate at Chipotle.

Digital Exclusive- Jaden Acts Out

Rachel… Melissa Villaseñor

Jaden… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Rachel’s Instagram video post.]

Rachel: Hey, I’m Rachel. I’m reaching out for any support or tips on [cut to Jaden acting weird in the living room] how to deal with someone you’re living with during quarantine who keeps acting out and is naughty.

[Cut to a video of Jaden crying on a sofa. The video is recorded by Rachel. He has a glass of wine in his hand.]

Jaden: I put my jersey on a long time ago though.

Rachel: We can watch it now though.

Jaden: But I’ve been ready for so long.

Rachel: I know. If you stop crying, you can watch it.

Jaden: I’m not crying. I’m laughing coz I’m very happy.

[Cut to Rachel’s Instagram video post.]

Rachel: My husband, Jaden, he’s 35. He’s been doing his finance job from home. He’s being a bad boy.

[Cut to a video of Jaden drawing something on a notepad. The video is recorded by Rachel.]

Rachel: Getting some work done? Can I see what you’re doing please, Jaden? One, two, three. Show me.

[Jaden shows her the drawing. It’s a stick woman with big breasts.]

Okay.

[Cut to Rachel’s Instagram video post.]

Rachel: I know a lot of you are struggling with this at home, with your kids. I need the help.

[Cut to a video of Jaden going out to the balcony through the window. The video is recorded by Rachel.]

Rachel: Hey, no, no, no. We do not go outside. Jaden! Jaden! One, two, three, butts down. [Jaden sits.] One, two– [Jaden runs inside] Thank you.

[Cut to Rachel’s Instagram video post.]

Rachel: So, any supportive tips would be great. He’s being a little bastard.

[Cut to a video of Jaden in the bathtub. His face is painted red. The video is recorded by Rachel.]

Rachel: Oh, Jaden. Did you paint your face again? [Jaden nods yes.] To watch your Jordan documentary? [Jaden nods yes.] And you used my acrylic paints. So, that’s going to take a really long time to get off. [Jaden shakes his head no.] Have you had a lot of wine? [Jaden nods yes.]

Weekend Update- Bernie Sanders Drops Out

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to split screen with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their homes]

Colin Jost: Hey, everyone. Welcome to Weekend Update Home Edition. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And this is obviously a strange way to do the show. So, we got some people listening on Zoom. Say hi, everybody.

[audience making little noise]

Yeah. Now, it’s like a party, right Coling?

Colin Jost: Yeah. It’s a great distant just audio party. It’s great.

Michael Che: What? I mean it’s better. It’s like.. telling jokes with nobody just looks like hostage footage. No, doing comedy with no audience, it kind of feels like when you’re in a long distance relationship and your girl’s like, “We can’t have sex but we can Facetime.” And you’re like, “Ugh, I’d rather just cheat on you.”

So, we got some jokes and we’re gonna tell some, see what you guys think.

Colin Jost: I’ve been watching president’s daily improv shows that he does every night. And I actually really love Dr. Anthony Fauci. I love when he speaks. Dr. Fauci is the last person I’ve seen that has a really thick accent but is smart. I’ve never got used to that. It’s like if someone said like, “Alright, guys. Here’s how we’re gonna fix this disease,” you’d expect them to be like, “We’re gonna break it’s f*** knee caps.” But he just has actual like, facts information.

Bernie Sanders has dropped out of the race which means that Joe Biden is now the presumptive nominee for 2020. And I just want to say on behalf of all comedians, thank you. I’m so excited because it’s either Trump or Biden which means that we have a comedy gold for next four years. Potentially with Biden, the next eight years. And I just want to say, can you imagine the Biden’s gonna be saying eight years from now?

Michael Che: This is bitter sweet coz I actually like Bernie Sanders. But him losing and making all those liberal white kids on twitter sad is the only thing getting me through this really rough week. Whenever I feel down, I just go online and listen to Bernie supporters try really, really hard to not blame this loss on black people. Ha-ha. I liked him but I knew he wasn’t getting a black vote because he kept bringing up healthcare. We don’t go to the doctors, man.

Colin Jost: President Trump has been reportedly promoting unproven cures for COVID-19 based on advice of Rudy Giuliani. Coz when you need medical advice, you turn to the guy who looks like he’s experience every symptom at once.

Michael Che: Reports suggest that in large cities like New York, coronavirus is disproportionately impacting African-American communities. And I really wish there was a way to warn black people about this without also telling white people about this. Coz once Trump starts calling this the Harlem flu, we ain’t never gonna get a cure.

Colin Jost: It was announced that Kylie Jenner for the second year in a row was the world’s youngest self made billionaire. The announcement was made in this month’s issue of Now’s Not The Time (magazine).

Michael Che: Harvey Weinstein has reportedly beaten the coronavirus but there’s still a chance he could be contagious. At least that’s what he’s yelling to anyone who gets near him in the showers.

Colin Jost: Tuesday was National Beer Day which was the first time alcohol has ever helped me remember what day it is.