Tag: Page

Weekend Update Trumps 14 Page Response to Jan 6 Subpoena Kanye Wests AntiSemitic Tweets

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

After the January 6 committee subpoenaed Donald Trump, Trump responded the next day with a 14 page letter. 14 pages. Okay. Unabomber. I don’t know if this is a coincidence, but Trump wrote the letter on the same day the FDA confirmed the nation is experiencing a shortage of Adderall. And I just know from experience in college, anytime I wrote a 14 page paper in one night, I’d also taken a disturbing amount of Adderall. My favorite part of Trump’s letter is the beginning because it’s on really nice letterhead. It starts “Dear Chairman Thompson”. And then the first line is just screaming. It’s like reading a Victorian love letter that says “My beloved Winifred, who the hell are you having sex with?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Nancy Pelosi and Mike Pence at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The committee showed a never before seen video from January 6 of a desperate Nancy Pelosi speaking on the phone with Mike Pence. Which tuppence counts as adultery. In the video, Pelosi said that she wanted to punch out Donald Trump and knew that if she did, she’d go to jail and be happy. I assume because she owns stock in private prisons.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Herschel Walker at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During last night’s Georgia Senate debate Rafail Warnock accused Herschel Walker of lying about working in law enforcement. Then Walker pulled out a prop badge and said “I am work with many police officers,” which is yet another sign that Herschel Walker is has brain problems.

[Picture changes to Mitch McConnell]

Senator Mitch McConnell seen here watching someone get injured at the Special Olympics, said that he is not concerned with threats Donald Trump makes at his rallies to remove him as Senate Minority Leader. In fact, McConnell says the threats make him laugh harder than his favorite comedy show Dahmer.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kanye West at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kanye West’s anti-semitic tweets were condemned by the Black Jewish Entertainment Alliance. Just say Lenny Kravitz.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s are pictures of Elon Musk and Kanye West at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After Kanye West unhinged social media post, Elon Musk tweeted “Talk to Ye and express my concerns about his recent tweet, which I think he took to heart.” Well, that settles it. If there’s one thing we all trust Elon with, it’s successfully reading another human beings emotional cues.

RegéJean Page Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Regé-Jean Page.

[Regé-Jean Page walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Regé-Jean Page: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Welcome to the show. My name is Regé-Jean Page. You can call me Regé-Jean Page. Get comfortable with it. Now, you probably recognized me from Bridgerton, the show that made everyone turn to their mom and say, “You know what? Never mind. I don’t think we should watch this together.” It’s a bit of a racy show. And because of that, people may associate me with being this smoldering sensual smokeshow of a man. But I assure you, I’m just a regular guy. [Cut to close up shot of Regé-Jean. He is speaking in husky voice and romantic music is playing.] And I’m here to show you a good time. I just want to have fun together. To explore each other. Well, does that sound pleasing to you?

[cut back to front camera]

So, I bet you can tell from my accent that I’m from Shondaland.

[Aidy Bryant walks in]

Aidy: Hey, Regé-Jean. Sorry to interrupt. Hi. I’m gonna be your gorgeous SNL liaison, a personal escort for all your personal needs.

Regé-Jean: I didn’t know I was going to get a persona liaison. Thanks, Aidy.

Aidy: Oh my god, he said my name. It’s happening. Um, yeah, anything you need. Alcohol? Massage? I know I said that a little British.

Regé-Jean: Aidy, don’t be nervous. It’s just me.

[Ego Nwodim walks in]

Ego: Hello, Regé-Jean. I am your liaison. The host has one every week and that’s normal and I am to be your’s.

Regé-Jean: Ego, you don’t have to bow. I’ve been getting a lot of this energy lately, but you can both relax. I’m nothing like my character, the Duke. [Cut to close up shot of Regé-Jean. He is speaking in husky voice and romantic music is playing.] I’m actually quite shy, emotional. It’s hard for me to talk about myself because well, I just want to listen. [there’s a wine in his hand now, and he takes a sip] Sorry, I was just quite parched there.

[cut back to front camera]

Ego: Okay, this is dangerous.

Aidy: Yeah. We’re just big fans of the Duke and the Bridgerton and I’ve seen your bottom.

Regé-Jean: Alright, a lot of people did. Alright, ladies, I’m flattered you liked the show. Did you have a favorite part?

Ego: Hm, I don’t know. Episode five, 52 minutes in?

Aidy: Maybe episode six, five minutes in?

Ego: 12 minutes in.

Aidy: 43 minutes in.

Ego: And in and in and in.

Regé-Jean: Okay, just so you know, that’s a character. None of that is real. And– [looks at Aidy and pauses] Oh, excuse me. [romantic music playing] Aidy, you have an eyelash. [slowly takes the eyelash off Aidy’s cheek] Make a wish.

[Aidy blows on Regé-Jean’s hand too hard.]

Aidy: My wish was rated ‘R’.

Regé-Jean: Ladies, okay, I hate to break it to you but I’m actually just kind of a nerd. I nerd out on music. I sing silly little songs like–

[piano playing] [singing really well] Oh my love,
my darling
I’m hungry for your touch

How nerdy is that?

Aidy: I mean, it’s starting to hurt me now.

[Chloe Fineman walks in dressed as Daphne]

Chloe: [speaking with accent] There you are. I thought I’d find you here.

Regé-Jean: Chloe, please tell me you aren’t dressed like Daphne, my love interest in Bridgerton.

Ego: Why didn’t we think of that?

Aidy: Yeah. That’s not Daphne. She’s just Chloe from regular SNL.

Regé-Jean: Look, I’m happy to play the Duke. I’ve been around for a while though. I was in Roots. I played high flying lawyers. Yet somehow, people just want me to be this guy who says–

[Cut to close up shot of Regé-Jean. He is speaking in husky voice and romantic music is playing.]

“I burn for you!”

[cut back to front camera]

Chloe: Yeah. I mean why wouldn’t anyone want you to do that?

Aidy: No, no. It’s cool. We definitely have other sketch ideas where you are just being an extremely hot sex man.

Chloe and Ego: [disappointed] We do?

Aidy: No. We’re screwed. Get pencils, bitches, coz we’re rewriting everything.

[Aidy, Ego and Chloe run out]

Regé-Jean: Okay, bye. Look, I am genuinely so happy that this show is connected with so many people during lock down. Specially people who don’t normally get to see themselves as romantic leads on television. And of course, it’s all brought me here with you tonight. So, we have got a great show for you tonight. Bad Bunny is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.