Big Papi Cooking Show

David “Big Papi” Ortiz… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with “Big Dominican Lunch” intro]

Male voice: And now it’s time for Big Dominican lunch with Big Papi [foreign language] [Cut to Kenan in his home kitchen]

David Ortiz: Bienvenido. Yo, soy former baseball slugger, David Ortiz. And if you’re like me, you want a big Dominican lunch. Now, you might be saying to yoursekf, “Big paip, how’d you going to make a big Dominican lunch when it’s quarantine? And you can’t get things like mofongo, habichuela con bistek, camarones con pimientas frita and you can barely find any wasakaka con quesco frito.” That’s why you gotta learn to improvise, man.

So, today we’re making a very simple dish with just a few things I found lying around the house.  It’s called sancocho conpollo jahom carne molida cochinillo pierna de cordero langosta espinosa manos de mono lengua de ballena. You know, the stuff in everybody’s pantry. And speaking of pantries, I should mention today’s sponsor, Esploded can of beans. “Esploded can of beans. You got a can of beans that you found on the floor and not it’s exploded? That might be a bad sign, bro. You might want to throw that away before those beans explode inside of you.”

And have you been washing your hands like, a thousand times a day? Well then you’re in Pure hell. [a copy of Purell] “Pure hell, why is my skin just like a bunch of dust?”

Okay, time to make our seven meat sancocho, the dish that Peta calls “a genocide.” I got a professional overhead camera set up too so you can see exactly what I’m cooking. It’s just an iPhone duct taped to the ceiling.

[the iPhone falls into the cooking pot.]

Oh, dammit, man!

Okay, step one, you’re going to need a big ass pot. That’s why you need to call my Puerto Rican cousin ‘Big Bunny.’

[Cut to Big Bunny]

Big Bunny: Ola. I’m Big Bunny. I sell big ass pots. Do you need a pot that can hold 22 different animals, even big ones like llama and yak? Then call Big Bunny’s big ass pots.

And now, I am also selling sweatpants. Are you going to give a work presentation on Zoom but you’re worried your boss will see your penis? Try sweatpants. It’s better than nada.

Oh, Big Papi, you’re looking pretty fly these days. What is your secret?

David Ortiz: I got shot. Okay. Thank you so very much for coming on this show, cous. We’ll see you later. Give it up for Big Bunny, everybody. Okay. That was step one. Buy a big ass pot. Step two, cook everything in the pot. Ay, okay. That’s our show man.

Male voice: On the next episode…

David Ortiz: We’re going to make chicken pot pie. First, you eat a chicken. Then you smoke a little pot, and then you eat a whole pie. On “Big Dominican Lunch” with Big Papi.