Tag: Passes

Weekend Update House Passes Build Back Better Bill

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Well, yesterday it was a weird one for President Biden. He went under anesthesia for a colonoscopy and when he woke up, the house had passed a $2 trillion social safety net bill, the Rittenhouse verdict was announced and a woman had technically been president for the first time ever. And while Biden was processing all that, [picture changes to Joe Biden looking at a turkey] he was rushed off to pardon a turkey named Peanut Butter. I mean, come on, the guy just turned 79. Half the country already thinks he’s senile. You can’t drop all that on him the second he comes out of the gats. I actually can’t believe how well it went. Remember David after the dentist? [picture changes to a boy inside a car. It’s a YouTube video called “David after dentist”.] I’m surprised we didn’t get “Biden after the colonoscopy”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kyle Rittenhouse at right top corner.]

Michael Che: On Friday, Kyle Rittenhouse was found not guilty in the murder of two men during a Black Lives Matter protest. So, hopefully he got all that shooting out of his system before he becomes a cop.

Protests are being held all around the country in response to the acquittal of Kyle Rittenhouse, which is brave because Rittenhouse just got off a shooting protesters. I don’t know, maybe don’t tempt them?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Matt Gaetz at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Matt Gaetz said his office would be open to hiring Kyle Rittenhouse as a congressional intern because Gaetz has always loved teenagers who are willing to do terrible things. [Picture changes to Steve Bannon] Steve Bannon seen here ordering one new liver please surrender to the FBI on contempt of Congress charges and said we are taking down the Biden regime. I hate to break it to you Steve, but I think Biden’s got that covered all on his own. Bannon addressed his supporters in a live stream on GETTR, a social media platform popular with Trump allies. GETTR is named after what its users say whenever they see a woman walking alone.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dave Chappelle at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A Washington DC art school is postponing renaming its theater after alumni Dave Chappelle following his Netflix special controversy. Well, of course, because God forbid you should name a building after someone problematic in Washington DC. Meanwhile, my old high school insists on keeping the Michael Chase sucks Buck bathroom stall.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Paul Gosar at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Some of my best work. Arizona Congressman Paul Gosar seen here watching an interracial couple walk by, has officially been censured after posting a violent anime video that depicted him killing Alexandria Ocasio Cortez. But I don’t know. He’s a 60 year old man who makes his own anime. When he heard he was getting punished, he was probably like, “Is it nipple clamps? I just hope an octopus doesn’t do anything to me.”

Weekend Update- Biden Passes Infrastructure Bill

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of USA map at left top corner]

Our top story of the night like it’s been for as long as I can remember, infrastructure. Last night, the house passed president Biden’s $1.2 trillion infrastructure bill, which should be enough to clean as many as two of LaGuardia’s bathrooms. The infrastructure bill will also expand internet access across the US which is great news because when has more internet ever been bad for America? [picture changes to Capitol riot] [Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Terry McAuliffe and Glenn Youngkin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Democrat Terry McAuliffe lost to republican Glenn Youngkin in Virginia’s governor’s race. But on the bright side, losers from Virginia usually get a statue.

[Picture changes to republican elephant logo]

Political experts say that the republican victory in Virginia’s governor’s race was fuel by support from white women who didn’t go to college. Which just so happens to be the same exact group I target on Tinder.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kevin McCarthy at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In a wake of republican success in this week’s election, house minority leader Kevin McCarthy announced that republicans would introduce a parents bill of rights. Which I’m pretty sure is just a sign you can buy at Home Goods.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of logo of Pfizer at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Pfizer announced that it has developed an anti-viral pill that can reduce hospitalization among covid patients by nearly 90%. And even better, it makes you harder than trigonometry.

[Picture changes to Edward Durr]

Steven Sweeney, the New Jersey senate president lost his reelection bid in an upset to a truck driver named Edward Durr. Coincidentally, Durr is also the New Jersey state motto.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Eric Adams at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: With his victory, Eric Adams will become New York’s second black mayor. Not to be confused with the New York mayor who blacks out. [Picture changes to Rudy Giuliani]

Adams defeated republican Curtis Sliwa who will now return to his previous job as Emily in Paris’s lawyer.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Winsome Sears holding a rifle at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Republican Winsome Sears seen here attempting suicide by cop was elected as Virginia’s first black female lieutenant governor. Well, this is actually a win for democrats because nothing will get republicans to support gun control faster than this picture.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Melania Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Former president Trump was filmed doing the Tomahawk Chop at a world series game in Atlanta. Native American group said they found it extremely offensive to see their culture associated with someone who can’t even run a successful casino.

Weekend Update House Passes Bidens Stimulus Bill

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of capitol at left top corner.]

Well, just like me when I’m drunk, congress decided to spend a bunch of money in 2:30 in the morning. They passed a $1.9 trillion stimulus bill and republicans are calling it a liberal wishlist. But I don’t know. I think a liberal wishlist would be avocado toast with Chrissy Teigen, free college for pets, and a hiphop musical about Anderson Cooper starring Lin-Manuel Miranda. Senator Lindsay Graham said he’s very pleased that the bill will not include and increase to the minimum wage because over the years, Graham has actually grown to love the taste of fast food worker spit.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of John Thune at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator John Thune said he opposed $15 minimum wage because he used to get by on six bucks an hour as a young man. But that was like, 40 years ago when rent was like a dollar and everybody had one porno tape. See, this is why democrats never get stuff done. You keep leaving it to a vote and taking no for an answer. When republicans lose a vote, the storm the Capitol. Why can’t y’all get that mad? Say what you will about a guy in a viking helmet taking a dump in Nancy Pelosi’s desk, but he will not be ignored.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow night, Donald Trump will give the keynote address at the conservative political action conference. For a preview of Trump’s speech, give your grandpa cocaine.

[picture changes to Ted Cruz]

Senator Ted Cruz who’s always the kill in F Mary Kill, he taped his half hour special at the CPAC this week. Here’s just a sample of his killer set.

[Cut to Ted Cruz’s special clip]

Ted Cruz: I gotta say, Orlando is awesome. It’s not as nice as Cancun.

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No. Stop. You don’t do that. No. You are not in on the joke. It is not for you to enjoy. Also, what grown man yells “Orlando is awesome”? If you hear a grown man yell “Orlando is awesome”, you should probably check his hard drive.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Biden administration is hoping to persuade more black people to get vaccinated by setting up vaccination sites in churches. And I’m sure Biden means well, but that is such an old white guy idea. You know the idea started with the words, “Hey, you know what those people love?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of news article that says “First commercial to show lactating breasts”.]

Colin Jost: During the Golden Globes this Sunday, a new commercial will air that will be the first to ever show lactating breasts on television. Unfortunately, those breasts belong to the green M&M.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Johnson&Johnson logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The FDA has authorized a vaccine from New Jersey based company Johnson&Johnson. Johnson&Johnson will now pair the vaccine with needles from New Jersey’s number one syringe supplier, the beach.