Tag: Pastor

Joker Wedding

Patch… Jack Harlow

Dooney… Heidi Gardner

Pastor… James Austin Johnson

Clint… Andrew Dismukes

Becca… Chloe Fineman

Uncle Tag… Mikey Day

Grandma Judy… Sarah Sherman

Jeff Probst

Patch: And Dooney, no matter come hell or high water. I’m gonna love you till I got no more love to give, I swear that to you.

Dooney: Whatever.

Pastor: That was beautiful patch. Now if anyone here has reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.

Dooney: Yeah, got a reason.

Patch: Babe, what are you doing?

Dooney: Just saying I don’t know. I feel like marrying you no more on account of your best man came to our wedding dress like Joker.

[The best man is dressed up as Joker with make up and everything]

Clint: Y’all don’t like me dressed like Joker?

Dooney: No, Clint, I don’t like it. I know we’re getting married on Halloween night, but I don’t like it being dressed like Joker.

Clint: You’re getting married on Halloween night. I thought I could dress like Joker.

Patch: Clint, I told you multiple times, we wasn’t doing costumes at the wedding.

Clint: Yeah, but I told you I was gonna dress like Joker.

Patch: I know, but I said not to.

Clint: But I said I was gonna dress like Joker.

Patch: I know. But when you said you were gonna do that, I said do not do that.

Clint: Yeah, but I told you I was gonna dress like Joker.

Dooney: You ruined my wedding, Clint.

Clint: I ruined your whole wedding just because I’m dressed like Joker?

Dooney: Yes, Clint. When I was a little baby girl dreaming about my wedding, my husband’s best man wasn’t dressed like Joker.

Clint: I didn’t want to ruin your wedding, Dooney. I just want to dress like Joker.

Patch: Dooney, baby. Please, if Clint goes take off the Joker stuff right now, can we please still be bridegroom?

Dooney: Okay, then. If Clint goes stop being Joker, then we can still be bride and groom.

Patch: Yes, thank you baby. Clint, go to the bathroom now, take off all the Joker.

Clint: I won’t change out of Joker.

Patch: Come on, Clint, you’re my best friend. You know I’ve been wanting to marry Dooney ever since I saw her.

Clint: And you know everyone to dress like Joker ever since last Halloween when I saw a guy dressed like Joker. I said next year I’m gonna dress like Joker.

Dooney: But I don’t want you to be Joker no more, Clint.

Clint: Well, I do wanna be Joker, Dooney. I think everybody here should get to vote on if I get to be Joker, if I got to be not be Joker no more.

Patch: Fine. Well vote on it.

Dooney: No, Patch.

Patch: Well, he’s right Dooney. If everybody else wants him still be Joker, he should get to still be Joker.

Dooney: Well then, I guess I don’t want to be bride and groom no more.

Patch: I do want to be bride and groom with you, Dooney, more than anything in this here earth. But we’re getting married on Halloween now. We got to respect that some people go show up dressed like Joker. We lucky we only got one Joker. This place is going to be crawling with Jokers, Dooney.

Pastor: It’s settled then. By the power vested in me by the State of Kentucky, we will now vote on Joker.

Patch: Alright. Cousin Becca, do you think Clint should or should not get to still be Joker?

Becca: Clint, I understand that is Halloween night, and on Halloween night you should get to be Joker.

Clint: Thank you.

Becca: But if Dooney don’t want you to be Joker so much that she won’t marry Patch no more, then my vote is you should not get to be Joker.

Patch: Thank you cousin Becca. Uncle Tag, are you pro Joker or no Joker?

Uncle Tag: Dooney, there is nothing more I want than for you and my little nephew to be bride and groom.

Dooney: Me too, uncle Tag.

Uncle Tag: However, given that it is Halloween night, the one night a year in which everyone is allowed to be Joker, I vote that Clint should continue to be Joker.

Patch: Grandma Judy, it’s down to you. Should Clint or should not Clint continue to be Joker at our wedding?

Grandma Judy: Dooney, you make the most beautiful bride I have ever seen.

Dooney: Thank you, Grandma Judy, that’s so sweet.

Grandma Judy: And Clint, you know I never liked you. You are a skunk and an alcoholic. But I’ll be damned if you don’t exactly look like Joker.

Clint: Thank you Grandma Judy. I will cherish that.

Patch: Grandma Judy, have you made your decision?

Grandma Judy: I have.

Patch: Okay, then survivors Jeff Probst, please share the results.

[cheers and applause]

Jeff Probst: Dooney, the tribe has spoken. [pulls out a sheet of paper from a pot] Clint gets to be Joker.

Dooney: No.

Jeff Probst: You need to bring me a torch. Congratulations, Clint, you get to be Joker.

Clint: Whoo! Jeff Probst said I get to be Joker. Let’s go, boy.

Pastor Announcement

Harold… Kenan Thompson

Pastor… Jonathan Majors

Carolyn… Ego Nwodim

Corinne… Aidy Bryant

Christine… Melissa Villaseñor

George… Chris Redd

Punkie Johnson

Travis… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Pastor at a church podium]

Harold: You get what you give
and it’s all how you use it

[Pastor and Carolyn walk forward]

Pastor: Wow. Wow. Thank you, Herold, for that beautiful rendition of god is a DJ by P.

Carolyn: Um-hmm. And it’s our honor and pleasure to welcome you to the first damn Baptist Church.

Pastor: I am Pastor JR Jr. and this is my wife Carolyn. We’re so glad to be with you today.

Carolyn: And it’s so good to see you again, sister Corinne. You’re looking much better.

Corinne: Thank you. I had a facelift.

Pastor: Now, the First Lady and I have an announcement because we have no secrets in this church. Can I get an Amen?

All: Amen.

Carolyn: Now, we have shared 24 beautiful years of marriage. And also last year. Can I get an oh no?

All: Oh, no.

Pastor: That’s right. Till death do us part. And since I can’t kill this woman, I have decided that we are going to open up our marriage.

Carolyn: That’s right. Hallelu-we-are open for business.

Pastor: And it’s hard. It’s hard to talk about in front of the congregation, not because it’s wrong, but because we are only romantically interested in some of you.

Carolyn: Those people have already been notified via perfumed invitation. If you did not receive an invitation. I’m sorry, it’s gonna be a no for me, dog.

Harold: Well, what the hell is wrong with me?

Pastor: Harold, I’m sorry. We just don’t see you that way.

Harold: Well, I am shocked.

Christine: I’m excited to maybe date you guys. So how will this work?

Pastor: We’ll be on many apps. For example, Tinder.

Carolyn: Grindr.

Pastor: Hinge.

Carolyn: Google Earth.

Pastor: Angie’s List.

Carolyn: Coffee Meets Penis.

Pastor: And anyone can invite us to Raya, please do.

Harold: Well, I’m on Raya.

Carolyn: No, you’re not, Harold.

Harold: You right.

George: I have a question. Um, open marriage? Is that what I have?

Pastor: No, George, you are just cheating on your wife.

George: Well, do you think she knows?

Punkie: Well, I do now.

Pastor: If you’re wondering where all this came from, we were talking about our hall passes, and she said hers was Barack Obama.

Carolyn: Then he said his list Travis who sings bass in the church choir.

Pastor: And she said, “You know what? I want to change mine to Travis.”

Travis: Wait. I’m Travis.

Carolyn: Correct. It’s something about you. You’re weird, but in a sexy way.

Travis: Aw. Amen.

Pastor: I’m shocked. You’re also engaged right now because certainly some of us are preaching and I don’t get a “Yes, Pastor”, not a “Amen, Pastor.”

Christine: [wearing her lipstick] Yes, Pastor.

Pastor: Christine. Did you just put on a bunch of lipstick?

Christine: That depends. Do you like it?

Carolyn: Now, what are y’all even doing?

Corinne: [showing her cleavage] Well, my shirt fell down.

George: [showing his stomach] My shirt rolled up.

Carolyn: Alright. Now, y’all just being thirsty.

Pastor: Don’t throw it at us. Why don’t you go around and tell us why you think you should be our first.

Harold: [standing] Alright.

Carolyn: Harold, you wanna sit your ass down.

Pastor: We value your friendship too much.

Harold: I know what that means. Friendzoned by my pastor.

Pastor: You know, actually before y’all answer, why don’t we tell you what we’re into. So, here’s a list of the role plays we enjoy. Doctor-nurse.

Carolyn: Girl dog-boy dog.

Pastor: Baseball manager and umpire in a fight.

Carolyn: Jenna and Hodor.

Corinne: But, do you mean Hoda?

Carolyn: I sure don’t.

Pastor: Now, in terms of lovemaking.

Carolyn: Positions we enjoy include missionary. List is over. You have to know we are pastors.

Harold: You sure? Coz I’ve got these nimble organ fingers.

Carolyn: Harold, shut your ass up. You have one job, play the organ.

Harold: One day I’m gonna walk out that door and you are going to miss this.

Carolyn: No. Alright. Well, we got to go ahead and wrap this up. We’ve got our first date with a nice lady who works at a chicken fillet. And today his holiday off it’s Sunday.

Pastor: Can I get my freak on?

All: Freak on! Amen.

Zoom Church

Pastor… Pastor Thompson

Sister Johnson… Sister Johnson Nwodim

Melissa Thayer… Melissa Thayer Strong

Latrell J. … Latrell J. Redd

[Starts with Mount Methuselah Tower of Prayer Baptist Church video bumper.]

[Cut to Pastor in his home.]

Pastor: Alright, praise the lord and welcome back to the Mount Methuselah Tower of Prayer Baptist Church Mother’s Day service. I see a large congregation logged into the Zoom machine. Much more than last service. Amen.

All: Amen.

Pastor: Okay. I just want to send a friendly reminder to everybody to mute yourselves during the service, alright? Because the way that the Zoom machine  works is that every mic is as loud as mine. So, when y’all respond, I can’t really hear myself preach, amen.

All: Amen.

Pastor: I can hear y’all agreeing which mean that you’re not taking the note because it’s still very, very loud. Alright? So, how about nobody say amen after I say amen, amen.

All: Amen.

Pastor: Yes, I can see this might be a longer than usual four hours service. When the bible speaks about motherhood–

[The kids are making noise]

Sister Johnson: Sit your little asses down and be quiet. We in church.

Pastor: I see sister Johnson’s mic is definitely still on. Sister Johnson? Sister Johnson, we can all hear you through the machine.

Sister Johnson: [to the kids] Y’all see that? The pastor can hear y’all. You’re ruining church.

Pastor: No. I hear you, sister Johnson. Everybody else is on mute. Amen.

All: Amen.

Pastor: Why are y’all still not in mute? And who’s got the TV on?

Melissa Thayer: Oh, that’s just my James. He’s watching dang sports center. Is it too loud?

Pastor: Yes.

Melissa Thayer: Hold on. James, can you turn it down? Is that better? Can you hear it?

Pastor: Nothing has changed. Look, just everybody, mute yourselves. Amen?

All: Amen.

Pastor: Why ain’t you doing it?

Latrell J.: Pastor’s having a hard time hearing y’all. So, we’re going to go straight to Amazing Grace.

Pastor: Latrell, boy I can hear you whisper it. Why aren’t you on mute?

Latrell J.: Coz I still have to direct a choir, pastor.

Pastor: Well, then just text  them. Alright, I’m hearing myself echo which means some of y’all got your machines way up too loud. And it’s bleeding into my end. Amen?

All: Praise god. Amen.

Pastor: Stop answering me. Okay? The lord wants everybody to click on that little microphone with the red line through it and when it says ‘Mute?’, press yes, amen?

All: Amen. Praise the lord.

[They all mute themselves.]

Pastor: Yes.  You did it. Oh, thank you. Now, can I get through this service in peace, amen? Sister Johnson? Nobody? Alright. Well, choir, I guess we should just go to Amazing Grace. Can anybody hear? [Latrell J. is doing managing the choir] I can’t hear a damn thing. Man, this sucks.