Tag: Pat

Weekend Update: Colin’s Great Aunt Pat on Holiday Etiquette

Colin Jost

Pat… Heidi Gardner.

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Christmas is next week and we’re going to be back with our families. Here to talk about holiday etiquette is my great aunt Pat.

[Pat slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Hi, aunt Pat.

Pat: Hi, honey. You look dashing as ever. And my, how it’s nice to be back on Update.

Colin Jost: Oh yeah. Well, except you’ve never been here before.

Pat: Colin, where are your manners? Never ever question a lady, especially at Christmas time.

Colin Jost: Oh, I’m I’m so sorry. Welcome back to Update.

Pat: Thank you. Thank you. Now Colin, manners are the glue that holds society together. You know that you didn’t even greet me correctly

Colin Jost: I didn’t?

Pat: No. See at Christmas time, you always greet your elders with kiss on the lips.

Colin Jost: And why the lips?

Pat: Manners, Colin.

[Pat leans forward and Colin kisses her lips]

[cheers and applause]

Pat: My apologies, miss Scarlett. I’m your aunt, boy. I’m gonna need a drink after that. Where’s my butler? Mikey Day. Mikey Day!

[Mikey walks in wearing a suit]

Mikey: Yes, Pat.

Colin Jost: Wait, Mikey, you’re butlering for my Aunt Pat?

Mikey: Yeah, I’m like barely in any sketches this week, and I need money for Christmas. What can I get for you Pat?

Pat: I’ll take a slow gin juice.

Mikey: Okay.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Slow gin juice?

Pat: Yeah, slow gin juice from Jessebelle berry.

Colin Jost: What?

[Mikey brings her drink in]

Pat: Thank you, Mikey Day. [tips Mikey] And that will be all, Mikey Day.

Mikey: Okay.

[Pat pats on Mikey’s penis]

Pat: That’ll be all, Mikey Day. That’ll be all. You can go. That’ll be all. He worked for it. He worked for it.

Colin Jost: Aunt pat. Did you just tap his crotch?

Pat: What? You mean a bouf on the gooch? Gatsby loved to be greeted with a bouf on the gooch.

Colin Jost: Yeah, well, Gatsby is a fictional character, okay?

Pat: Colin? I just saw on your monitor, my slow gin juice has almost completely washed away my lip stain. Mikey Day! Mikey Day!

[Mikey walks in with a lipstick]

Mikey: Here you are, Pat.

Pat: No, remember? How I taught you? You apply it to your lips and then you put your lips on to mine.

Colin Jost: Mikey, really you don’t have to do this.

Pat: Manners, Colin. Manners.

Mikey: Oh, it’s like, breaking apart.

Pat: No, that’s okay. Come on, Mikey Day. Alright, Mikey Day. Alright.

[Mikey puts the lipstick on and rubs his lips on Pat’s lips.]

Oh, looks like we both ate smoked salmon for dinner. Thank you. Okay, okay. Thank you, Mikey day. [tips Mikey]

Mikey: Thank you.

Colin Jost: You only gave him $Colin Jost?

Pat: [patting on Mikey’s penis] That’ll be all, Mikey Day. Thank you so much. That’ll be all. That’ll be all. That’ll be all. Mikey! Thank you. That’ll be all.

Colin Jost: Aunt Pat, none of this seems like etiquette. It seems like you just want to kiss and fondo movie stars.

Pat: Colin. Movie stars? You boys aren’t movie stars. You’re TV Muppets.

Colin Jost: Aunt Pat, you’re out of control.

Pat: Oh no. I’m staying in here because I have a gift for you. Mikey Day!

Colin Jost: Okay, Mikey.

Mikey: Yes, Pat.

Pat: I want to give Colin his Christmas gift, but his lips are a little dry. Mikey Day, do what you do.

[Mikey Day puts lipstick on his lips and is walking near Colin]

Colin Jost: No, it’s okay. I put on a little… I put on a little lipstick before it came out. You don’t need to… You don’t need to do that. [Mikey is leaning towards Colin] That’s okay. [Mikey touches Colin’s lips with his]

Pat: Oh, yes.

Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you.

Pat: Yes. I’m having a slow gin juice of my own. Okay, me now. [Mikey Day puts his lips on Pat’s lips] Alright. Okay. Thank you, Mikey Day. [pats on Mikey’s penis] You can run along now.

Colin Jost: My great aunt Pat, everyone.

Pat: I’m reoccurring. I’m reoccurring.

Dream Home Cousins

Rick…Mikey Day

Gage… Jake Gyllenhaal

Lillian… Heidi Gardner

Pat… James Austin Johnson

Bea… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with clips of Rick and Gage designing homes]

Male voice: Just a couple of cousins turning houses into dream homes.

Rick and Gage: We’re the dream home cousins.

Rick: My cousin gage and I have been hard at work designing a dream home for Lillian and her quiet milquetoast husband Pat, who’s deeply uncomfortable on camera. And now, we’re ready to show him the plans we drew up.

Gage: For the record. I did most of the drawings.

Rick: Oh, brother.

Gage: Don’t you mean “Oh, cousin?”

[Cut to Rick and Gage with Lillian and Pat]

Rick: Lillian, Pat, you guys ready to see our final design?

Lillian: Yes, I’m so excited.

Rick: Pat?

[Pat is staring awkwardly]

Gage: Now, we all agreed on a design, but you guys threw us a bit of a curveball when Pat informed us that his mother Bea and her 27 year old cat Charles David would also be moving into your house, which required us to change a few things.

Lillian: But it’s still going to be my dream house, right? What we talked about?

Gage: You bet. Just slightly modified. Let’s start with the living room.

Rick: Lillian, you wanted this space to be “An oasis of relaxation.”

Lillian: Oh I love that.

Rick: But Bea wanted this space to be “Where we put my cat’s medical equipment”

Gage: And unfortunately the amount of machinery it takes to keep a 27 year old cat with no kidneys alive really cluttered up the space.

Rick: God, the fucking cat!

Gage: Now for the kitchen, we thought this captured Lillian’s vision of an open concept design.

Lillian: Oh wow.

Gage: And we would have loved to build that. But since Bea is going to be doing most of the cooking–

Bea: All the cooking. Skinny Minnie can’t cook.

Gage: We went with a more closed concept.

Rick: And since Bea is afraid of gas, we swapped the six burner Viking Range for an olive green electric stove and Oster toaster oven, both from Bea’s current home and both manufactured in 1978.

Bea: Back where America still built things.

Lillian: Are you gonna fit for anything I want?

Rick: Now, Lillian, I sense that you’re probably feeling that your vision has been compromised downstairs.

Lillian: Yes.

Rick: But upstairs…

Gage: Has also been compromised. We had to partition the grand staircase to accommodate Charles David’s Motorized Stair chair.

Rick: But good news Lillian, we were able to preserve your yoga studio from our original design.

Lillian: Yay, it’s perfect.

Rick: But it will have to double as the display room for Bea’s collection of wise quackers, large ceramic statues of ducks in 1930 gangster outfits. And with 90 wise quackers to display, the yoga studio will be a little cramped. So what do we think so far?

Bea: I think Skinny Minnie opened her legs and stole my son. I know she took your sweetness before your wedding night.

Lillian: What? You told her that?

Pat: I gave my sweetness.

Lillian: Oh my god.

Gage: Okay. Let’s show you what we came up with for the primary bedroom.

Lillian: Oh, okay. That’s gorgeous.

Gage: And here’s where we landed after talking to Bea. Since this will be her bedroom as well, we’ll swap the king bed for three singles. And since Bea hates large open spaces–

Bea: The devils in the raft.

Gage: Those 15 foot cathedral ceilings will come down to about six feet.

Lillian: You’re 6’1”.

Pat: I’ll crouch.

Rick: But don’t worry, Bea. We made sure there was enough wall space for all the old black and white photographs of your stern looking ancestors.

Bea: That was when men were men.

Rick: And now, drumroll please.

Gage: For the primary bathroom, Lillian wanted windows to take advantage of your beautiful view.

Rick: But Bea was very concerned with peepers invading your privacy which took the bathroom window count down from six to no windows.

Bea: You know perverts and tuggers wanna see me make my dirt.

Lillian: No one wants to see you make your dirt.

Bea: [looking at Pat] Hit her.

Pat: What? No.

Bea: [looking at Pat] Hit her.

Pat: What? No.

Lillian: Are you thinking about it?

Rick: When we come back, the upstairs demo begin.

Homework Hotline

Mr. Lenard… Charles Barkley

Bobo

Pat… Aidy Bryant

Puppeteer… Mikey Day

[Starts with Channel 6 video bumper]

Female voice: Channel 6, public cable television authority, Fountain Valley, California.

[Cut to Homework Hotline book at a bookshelf.]

Female voice: Welcome to Homework Hotline. If you’re in grades 1 through 6 and need help with your homework, call the number on your screen now.

[Zooms out. There’s Mr. Lenard sitting in front of the bookshelf with a puppet.]

Mr. Lenard: Hey, students. I’m Mr. Lenard here with my study buddy Bobo.

Bobo the puppet: And we’re here to help you with your homework. Call now! [kisses Mr. Lenard’s shoulder]

Mr. Lenard: Looks like somebody’s already calling in. First caller, what do you need help with today?

Caller: Hi. My name is Kevin and my question is when you and Bobo have sex, who’s on top and who’s on bottom? Ha-ha!

Mr. Lenard: Hang up on this idiot! Get a life.

Bobo the puppet: How rude!

Mr. Lenard: Yes, Bobo. He’s very rude. Everyday with this turkey nonsense about me and Bobo. Knock it off. Pat, you’re supposed to screen these calls. How are these turkeys getting through?

[Cut to Patty]

Patty: Well, they lie to me and the lord will judge them for it.

[Cut to Mr. Lenard]

Mr. Lenard: Well, try little harder, please. Next caller, what’s stomping you today?

Caller: Hi, I’m Whitney. I’m doing the geography worksheet and I can’t find some places.

Mr. Lenard: Geography? Oh, we need a globe for that.

Bobo the puppet: The globe!

Mr. Lenard: What are we looking for, Whitney?

Caller: This should be easy coz I think Bobo was just there last night. Where is Ballsdeep, USA?

Mr. Lenard: Ballsdeep, USA? Let me see. I know there’s a Balltown in Iowa. Bobo, were you in Ballsdeep last night?

Bobo the puppet: Um, I think this might be another prank call.

Mr. Lenard: Oh, I get it now. Hang up on this turkey.

Bobo the puppet: Shame on you.

Mr. Lenard: You guys think this is funny? Look at my face. I’m not laughing.

Bobo the puppet: I know what will cheer you up. Hugs and kisses. [Bobo the puppet kisses all over Mr. Lenard’s shoulder]

Mr. Lenard: Maybe you should stop with the hugs and kisses. There’s a bunch of YouTube videos of you hugging me with porn music tied in.

Bobo the puppet: But Bobo loves hugs and kisses.

[Bobo the puppet kisses all over Mr. Lenard’s shoulder]

Mr. Lenard: I’m serious, dude! [Mr. Lenard pushes Bobo the puppet away harshly]

[the puppeteer comes out of the table]

Puppeteer: Don’t do that again.

Mr. Lenard: Pat, do we have real callers on the phone line?

[Cut to split screen with Patty and Mr. Lenard]

Patty: Well, we have a student named Harry Perra Testies.

Mr. Lenard: No. Next.

Patty: Alright. Well, we have Ryan who is doing a history report on the Mexican outlaw, dirty Sanchez.

Mr. Lenard: Absolutely not. Next?

Patty: Okay. Well, we have Matthew. He’s calling about the atomic weights of elements.

Mr. Lenard: Yes. Hello, Matthew.

Caller: Hey, Mr. Lenard. Hi, Bobo. Those crank callers have way too much time on their hnds.

Mr. Lenard: I agree, Matthew. I like you. What’s your problem?

Caller: So, I have to like, figure out the total atomic weight in an element equation.

Bobo the puppet: Oh! We can use our periodic table!

Mr. Lenard: That’s right, Bobo. Let’s go to the mount cam.

[Cut to the paper Mr. Lenard is using to solve the equation. Mr. Lenard’s first camera view is at the bottom left of the screen.]

What’s the equation, Matthew?

Caller: Um, boron oxygen. [Mr. Lenard writes BO] Then another boron oxygen sulphur. [Mr. Lenard writes BOS] Then cobalt and carbon. [Mr. Lenard writes COC. Altogether, he has written “BOBOS COC”.]

Mr. Lenard: Hold up second. Is the next one potassium?

Caller: Yeah.

Bobo the puppet: Oh! Potassium is K.

Mr. Lenard: Hang up on this liar! Get a life! The caller lines are closed. Lets do one from email.

Patty: Okay. Travis who is in second grade writes, “Did you know that if you rub your pant leg, you can generate static electricity that will make your hair stick up.”

Mr. Lenard: Yes, Travis. That is called friction charges the electrons. Let’s try it Bobo. Rub my pant let.

Bobo the puppet: Okay.

[It looks like Bobo the puppet is helping Mr. Lenard with masturbation.]

Mr. Lenard: A little faster, Bobo.

Bobo the puppet: Is it working?

Mr. Lenard: Um, you know what? This might be another prank. Well, that’s the end of the show. Zero kids helped with their homework. Patty, who’s our viewer of the day?

Patty: Well, today’s viewer of the day if 5th grader Ron Wisley who lives in Herminis Bush, California.

Mr. Lenard: Patty, use your head, Woman!

[Cut to Homework Hotline video bumper]

[The End]

Bank Breakers

Barry… Mikey Day

Paul… Kumail Nanjiani

Gretchen… Cecily Strong

Josh… Alex Moffatt

Pat… Pete Davidson

Robber… Beck Bennett

[Starts with “Bank Brekers” intro]

Male voice: It’s “Bank Breakers.” With your host, Barry Fielder.

[Cut to Barry.]

Barry: Welcome to Bank Breakers where greed isn’t good, it’s great. Let’s say hello to our contestands, Paul and Gretchen.

[Cut to Paul and Gretchen. There are money bags before both contestant’s tables.]

[Cut to Barry]

The game is simple. Steal each other’s money to win big. So let’s start it off as we always do with a quick cash grabber question. This West Coast city is known as the city by the bay. [beep] Paul?

[Cut to the contestants]

Paul: San Francisco, baby! [right answer bell]

Barry: Correct! Steal one of Gretchen’s money bags.

[Paul takes a money bag from Gretchen’s table]

Paul: Oh, feels good to take your money. You’re going down, lady. Whoo!

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Alright. That self high-five from Paul there who is one step closer to our grand prize of $50,000. What would you do with all that moola, Paul?

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: Oh, man! I need a wardrobe refresh. So, I’m buying a bunch of dope jackets and jeans. Jackets and jeans. Whoo! Jackets and jeans.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Jackets and jeans. Nice, buddy. How would you spend that cash, Gretchen?

[Cut to Gretchen]

Gretchen: On a medical procedure for my ten year old daughter, Willow, to restore her hearing. [Paul leans in the screen and is showing his thumbs down to Gretchen. Gretchen has cracking emotional voice] She has 90% hearing loss in both ears. [Paul slowly rotates his hand to make it thumbs up] Sorry.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Wow. That’s a very worthy cause. Good luck, Gretchen.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: Barry, I should mention that I will be donating some of my jackets and jeans to the charity, cars for kids.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Pretty sure they want cars, but hey, you do you, man. Paul, you’re up first. Pick a category.

[Cut to game screen. There are nine categories.]

Paul: Um, let’s go with Wiz Kid.

Barry: Alright. This category is about that famous boy wizard, Harry Potter. [Cut to Barry] Paul, you can play or pass to Gretchen.

[Cut to the contestants]

Paul: Well, you know, I feel a little bad about the way I celebrated when I took your bag of money. So I’ll pass to Gretchen. Give her a shot.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Alright, Gretchen. How are you feeling? Are you a potter head?

[Cut to Gretchen]

Gretchen: No. NO. When Harry Potter got big, I was serving four tours of duty in Iraq and I just kind of missed it.

[Cut to the contestants]

Paul: She’s a veteran?

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: She is. And Gretchen, thank you for your service. So, it’s the military veteran versus the– I’m sorry. What do you do, Paul?

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: I do online advertising for Marlboro cigarettes.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Versus Paul. [Cut to split screen with Paul and Gretchen] First question, Gretchen. Name the author of the Harry Potter series.

Gretchen: Oh, boy.

Paul: Oh, come on. You know this.

Gretchen: Um, J– I’ve heard his name before.

Paul: Her. Her name.

Gretchen: Jake Rowling.

[wrong answer sound]

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Oh, no. It’s J.K. Rowling. Big tobacco gets the steal.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: Please don’t call me that. [Cut to Paul and Gretchen. Paul takes another money bag from Gretchen.] I am so sorry. Thank you for your service.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Before we continue, Gretchen, I understand your family is here today.

[Cut to Gretchen]

Gretchen: Yes. Two of them are. My beautiful daughter, Willow and my handsome husband, Josh.

[Cut to Willow and Josh in the audience]

Josh: We’re proud of you, mommy! Even if you don’t win, we’ll find a way fo pay for Willow’s surgery and we are going to find a way to replace everything those Bulgars stole from us.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: Their house got robbed?

Barry: Yeah. Sure did. And who is cheering you on today, Paul?

[Cut to Paul. He has very sad face.]

Paul: My roommate, Pat.

[Cut to Pat. He is wearing t-shirt with ‘Loser’ written on it and an arrow pointing at Gretchen’s daughter.]

Pete: I’m sorry about this shirt. I didn’t know I would be next to a little girl. Paul told me it would be funny.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: I didn’t know about all their stuff. I’m so sorry. You know, it’s difficult for an immigrant like me to navigate this country’s culture. I grew up in Pakistan. Life there is very hard.

[Cut to the contestants]

Gretchen: Yeah, yeah. It is. I spent two years stationed in Karachi. How old were you when you came to the US?

Paul: 14… weeks old.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Wow. So, Gretchen spent more time in Pakistan than you did. That’s crazy. Um, Paul, pick a category, bud.

[Cut to the game screen.]

Paul: Let’s go with Pickers and Pluckers.

Barry: Alright. Oh-oh! You found the Bank Breaker! Paul, answer this question right and you take all of Gretchen’s money. But get it wrong, she takes all of your’s. Questions in this category, Paul, are about country music.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: Oh! Okay, I don’t know anything about country music. I’ll play, Barry.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Alright. Darius Rucker scored a hit with this 2011 song about a break up.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: [happily laughing] Oh! I got nothing. I don’t listen to country–

Barry: [interrupting] That is correct. “I got nothing” is the title of that song. Way to get Gretchen’s hopes up, buddy. Man, you are brutal.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: No, no, no. I was trying to lose. I swear it.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Alright. Let’s get Robby the robber out here to help Paul steal Gretchen’s cash.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: No. No. Please don’t bring out the robber guy. Please don’t do this.

[Cut to all]

Robber: Sorry, Gretchen. Looks like this money is for jackets and jeans. Not for surgeries. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Whoo! Paul takes a huge lead and he’s headed into round two with all of Gretchen’s cash.

[Cut to Paul,Gretchen and robber]

Paul: I don’t want this.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Bank Breakers will be right back.

Pilot Hunk

Pat… JJ Watt

Hannah T… Cecily Strong

Hannah V… Heidi Gardner

Hannah Bad… Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Melissa Villaseñor

Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Pilot Hunk intro]

Male voice: He’s a big boy pilots with 30 sobbing Hannahs to choose from. Tune in to watch him deep kiss the white girl and high five the black girls. This season on “pilot hunk.”

[Cut to Pat]

Pat: Hi, I’m Pat and I make the plane hurry up. I’m a sky boy looking for my fly girl. Let’s bachelor.

[Cut to Pat and Hannah T]

Hannah T: Mmm, I like this.

Pat: Tell me something about yourself.

Hannah T: I’m Hannah T. I’m 22, and my job is pharma-cute-ical. I sell medicals to the women.

Pat: Oh, I love that. Am I detecting an accent?

Hannah T: Yeah. I’m Jen.

[Hannah V walks in]

Hannah V: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Hannah T leaves] Mm, I like this.

Pat: Tell me something about you.

Hannah V: I am Hannah V. I am 20/30 years old. And I am not cross eyed but that’s the vibe.

Pat: Ha-ha, I love that.

Hannah V: I had so much fun on the lube taste test. I’m a lawyer by the way.

[Hannah Bad walks in]

Hannah Bad: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Hannah V leaves] Mm, I like this.

Pat: Tell me something about you.

Hannah Bad: Well, I’m Hannah Bad. And I’m brutally fragile at home. So, here, it’s absolutely the wheels are coming off.

Pat: Ha-ha. I love that.

Hannah Bad: I know the girls told you rumor about me and it is true. I have brown hair. But you should also know that my mouth is a vacuum hoe. Like, [inhales]

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec? [Hannah Bad leaves] I like this.

Pat: Ha-ha. Are you excited for our trip?

Kate: Yes, I can’t wait to go to Thailand and scream about how the food is gross in front of the woman how cooked it.

Pat: Ha-ha. Different food is gross.

Kate: Actually, I have something for you. I wrote you a letter. It’s a T. I also know a couple of others but I’m gonna play hard to get.

Pat: Ha-ha. I love that.

[Melissa walks in]

Melissa: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Kate leaves] Mm, I like this.

Pat: Tell me something about you.

Melissa: Watching you play soccer with poor kids made me so horny.
Pat: Ha-ha. I love that.

Melissa: Also, it’s my birthday today. I turned 30.

Pat: Oh, happy 30th birthday. [calling guards] Guards!

[The guards take Melissa away]

[Ego walks in]

Ego: Mm, I like this.

Pat: Hey, you.

Ego: You don’t seem surprised to see me. I died last episode.

Pat: Oh, right. What happened?

Ego: I drowned in the shower coz I looked up with my mouth open. They said I could come back if I got alive again. So, I did.

Pat: Thanks for being vulnerable.

[Chloe walks in]

Chloe: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Ego leaves]

Pat: Whoa, another one?

Chloe: Something you should know is that family is really important to me. There’s someone I want you to meet.

[Chloe turns around. There’s a face on her back.]

It’s my twin. She’s the fun one.

Pat: Nice! A threesome.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Chloe leaves]

Pat: Wow, your eyes are peeing. What’s wrong?

Kate: [sobbing] Being here is so hard for me because I’m like, really shy. Like, I was blushing so hard at the thong fashion show, I can’t believe I won.

Pat: Oh, yeah. You got a Martial’s gift card.

[Hannah Bad walks in]

Hannah Bad: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec? [Kate leaves] [sobbing] I’m having a really hard time because the producers, they confiscated my vitains and they gave me a knife.

Pat: Ha-ha. I love that.

Hannah Bad: I want you to know that I’m not just a party girl. I could also be a wife life, watch me drink champagne.

[Hannah Bad pops a bottle of champagne and pours it all over her breasts.]

Pat: Whoa! I think I’m ready to propose… that you leave.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Sorry, can I steal? [Hannah Bad leaves] I love dancing to country singers. Chance to be with you today. Um, but I have to tell you something. Um, he and I dated. Are you mad?

Pat: No, I love that.

Kate: That’s not all. I’ve also date most of the cameramen. Are you mad?

Pat: No, I love that.

Kate: I’m dating a lot of the girls in the house too.

Pat: Whoa, that’s pretty hot.

Kate: Also, one more thing. I looked it up and I make more money than you.

Pat: You know what? Let me walk you out.

[The End]

Inside SoCal Is Art Gangster

Todd… Kyle Mooney

Casey… Beck Bennett

Eric… Pete Davidson

Emily Hyde… Kate McKinnon

Pat… Taran Killam

Carla Meunez… Cecily Strong

Sean… Bill Hader

Bobby Moyniham

[Starts with San Deigo County Public Access Television video bumper]

[Cut to Todd and Casey in their set]

Todd: Alright, I’m Todd.

Casey: And I’m Casey.

Todd: And you’re watching…

Casey: [whispering to Todd] Together on three.

Todd: [whispering] One, two, three.

Todd and Casey: Inside So Cal.

[Cut to Inside So Cal intro]

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Alright. So, our top story is our boy Ryan Tableton got married this weekend and a bunch of the boys went. I’m not usually into church or gods or whatever but I thought ceremony was super gangster.

[Cut to Casey]

Casey: Seeing two souls uniting as one.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Also, you don’t have to dance. Okay, now let’s do Health Minute with Casey.

[Cut to Health Minute with Casey video bumper.]

[Cut to Casey. There’s a white board behind him with a bar diagram]

Casey: Alright, so Matt new all got Vicatin and anyone can get it on that. That was a Health Minute.

[Cut to Health Minute with Casey video bumper.]

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Okay, so we got developing story. Apparently, Emily Hyde is like, super pissed at Pat right now. So, let’s go to Eric at the Lendwood house and see what’s going on. What up Eric?

Eric: What’s up, guys?

Casey: Wad up?

[Cut to Eric]

Eric: So, I’m here with Emily and Pat. Emily, why are so mad at Pat right now?

Emily Hyde: Coz he sent pictures to my friends.

Pat: Yeah, but I don’t like them the way I like you. I just beat off to them.

Eric: Alright, well, so there you have it. As you can see, things are pretty real over here. Back to you folks.

[Cut to Todd and Casey]

Casey: Now, it’s time for this week’s Ill Investigations with my boy Todd.

[Cut to Ill Investigations video bumper]

[Cut to Todd in a restaurant]

Todd: Reherbata is one of my favorite restaurants. But why don’t they do the red salsa anymore? I had this chance to down with Carla Meunez who works here. Let’s see why they stopped doing it.

[Cut to Todd with Carla Meunez]

Where is the red salsa at?

Carla Meunez: Oh! Um, no–

Todd: I’ma boys love the red salsa.

Carla Meunez: [not speaking English] No, we–

Todd: What?

Carla Meunez: No, it’s no more.

Todd: You’re gonna bring back the red salsa?

Carla Meunez: [struggling to speak in English] Okay, no more. We don’t have no more. No more.

Todd: The red salsa used to be the best part of Reherbata. [Carla Meunez just walks away] Alright, I guess they’re not doing the red salsa anymore.

[Cut to Ill Investigations video bumper]

[Cut to Casey]

Casey: Next, our story on Lindsay Turell who cut her hair short over the summer, which looks good on her small head.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Alright, which bring us to our Feature Story. When you think about art, you think like, “That’s something my dad likes”, or smarter people like. Michelle Grannis. But actually, art can be pretty gangster. So, we sent Sean out to tell us it’s gangster.

Sean: Blue, yellow, green, colors in art. But, how baller can art be? I’m here in a fucking museum to find out.

[Cut to Feature Story video bumper]

[Cut to Sean]

Sean: When they first started doing art, it was lot older. And they didn’t know how to make a pint. But then, it was more abstract and now you look at it and it’s way more, you know–

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: You’re trying to say it’s more baller?

[Cut to Sean]

Sean: You know, coz it’s like, you know– I play maden right? So–

[Cut to Casey confused]

Casey: What are you talking about?

[Cut to Sean]

Sean: A little refrigerator.

[Cut to Todd]

Todd: Alright, I think I get what you’re saying Sean. [looking confused]

[Cut to Todd and Casey]

Alright, this has been Inside So Cal. Oh! Do you want to say the thing about your grandpa?

Casey: Um, yeah! So, my grandpa died and we were like, super close. But, I’d like to believe that even though he’s gone, he’s still with us.

[Bobby walks in]

Bobby: Hey, what are you doing in my house?

Todd: Sorry, sir. I’m Todd.

Casey: I’m Casey.

[Todd and Casey stands]

Bobby: Now, get out.

Todd: Sorry sir.

Bobby: Get our of my garage.

Casey: We’re almost done. We’re sorry.

Bobby: Wee-wee-wee, You’re sorry?

Todd: That’s not how I sound sir.

Bobby: That is how you sound. [Bobby pushes Todd]

[They start fighting]