Tag: Patricia

Pine Ridge Campground

Jeff… Lin-Manuel Miranda

Cecily Strong

Hector… Kyle Mooney

Patricia… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with four people camping at Pine Ridge Campground. Jeff is playing guitar and Cecily is singing]

Cecily: [singing] How many roads must a man walk down
before you can call him a man

Jeff: Yes, and how many seas must a white dove sail
before she sleeps in the sand

Jeff and Cecily: The answer my friend is blowing in the wind
the answer is blowing in the wind.

[Hector and Patricia clapping]

Hector: Wow, amazing. Really special, guys. Do you actually play guitar?

Jeff: Well, yeah.

Patricia: Okay, how about one more song?

Jeff: Um, it’s getting pretty late.

Hector: Oh, come on! You guy’s been entertaining us all night. Why don’t you let us sing one for you?

Jeff: Okay.

Patricia: Why not? Such a nice night.

[Hector and Patricia look at each other and start singing randomly.]

Hector and Patricia: Cut loose, Footloose
Kick off your Sunday shoes
Please, Louise
Pull me off of my knees
Jack, get back
C’mon before we crack
Everybody cut, Everybody cut
Everybody cut, Everybody cut
Everybody cut Footloose

[Hector and Patricia clap for themselves]

Cecily: Wow.

Patricia: What a beautiful night. I’m so glad we could finally carve out some time to be together.

Jeff: We just met you an hour ago. You walked into our campsite and brought your own chairs. What are your names?

Hector: Oh, I’m Hector and this is my sister, Patricia.

Patricia: Yeah. We’re year rounders on site 71 over by the RV sink and shower waste.

Cecily: Did you say you’re brother and sister? You’ve been holding hands all night.

Patricia: Oh, it’s cold.

Hector: [yelling] Cold as hell.

Patricia: [laughing] So, okay, what did you guys think of that? Of our song?

Hector: We want honest criticism. Really.

Jeff: It sounded a little flat and you had no sense of how far away we are from you.

Cecily: Jeff, why are you–

Jeff: I don’t know. They asked.

Hector: [singing] Cut loose, Footloose
Kick off your Sunday shoes

Patricia: Please, Louise
Pull me off of my knees

Hector: Babe, are we flat?

Cecily: Did he just– did he just call her babe?

Patricia: Okay, what are you hearing that isn’t working for you, Jeff? Can you just like, describe it?

Jeff: It almost sounds like you speak normally, but when you sing you have like, Eastern European accents. It sounds almost like…

[imitating how Hector and Patricia sing]

Cut loose, Footloose
Kick off your Sunday shoes

Maybe just try it normal like,

[singing] Cut loose, Footloose
Kick off your Sunday shoes

Hector: Okay, okay. So, more like…

[yelling and singing] Loose, cut loose
Kick off your Sunday shoes

Patricia: lease, Louise
Pull me off of my knees

Hector and Patricia: Everybody cut, Everybody cut
Everybody cut Footloose

Cecily: Okay, I think we better head to bed. It was nice to meet you.

Patricia: Aw, is there time for one more song?

Cecily: Oh, I don’t think so.

Hector: [badly imitating Jack Nicholson] Well, how about a visit from good old Jack Nicholson?

Patricia: [badly imitating Dame Judy Dench] Or Dame Judy Dench?

Cecily: Hey, you’re doing impressions now? What are you doing? Okay, we’re gonna go to bed.

Jeff: Actually, if you guys were gonna sing another song though, what would it be?

Cecily: Jeff?

Jeff: I’m just curious.

Hector and Patricia: [yelling and singing] Highway to the danger zone
Ride into the danger zone

Patricia: Oh, that was great baby.

[Hector and Patricia kiss]

Cecily: Okay, um, well goodnight.

Hector: And goodnight from the one and only Jack Nicholson, man.

Patricia: And Dame Judy–

Cecily: No, stop.

Jeff: That’s not Jack Nicholson. [imitating Jack Nicholson] This is Jack Nicholson.

Cecily: Honey? Oh, that’s bad too. Why are you participating in this?

Jeff: I like them.

[Cecily gets angry and leaves]

Jeff, Hector and Patricia: [yelling and singing] Highway to the danger zone
Wanna take a ride into the danger zone

Wedding Objections

Ian… Martin Freeman

Alberta… Leslie Jones

Father… Beck Bennett

Marny… Aidy Bryant

Patricia… Venessa Bayer

Alberta’s dad… Kenan Thompson

Doctor… Taran Killam

Casidy… Cecily Strong

Evelyn… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a man and a woman getting married in a church.]

Ian: Alberta, my love. Standing here in front of you, I know that my life is finally complete. Although we may come from different worlds, I Harrow and Oxford, you the WNBA, our love is one for the ages.

Father: And now for the bride’s vows.

Alberta: My dearest little Ian, before I met you the only time I felt truly alive was when I was out on the court throwing elbows, pushing bitches, falling out in the first quarter, wearing my plastic face mask and laying sisters out. But now that I have you, I feel complete.

Father: Beautiful. And at this time, if anyone can see any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace.

[Cut to everybody in the church raising their hands]

I see. Those of you who are now raising your hands. Yes, why don’t you start?

[Marny stands]

Marny: Hi. My name is Marny. I’m the bride’s roommate. Um, Alberta, you barely know this man. I mean, you met him five days ago at a combination Tacobell Pizzahut. You guys have had sex 50 times in our shared living space and in the rare moments that you’re not going at it, you are having full scream fights on the front lawn. Please, do not do this.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Marny, I love you, but you a hater and you’re jealous.

Ian: Marny, think of it like this. You’re not losing a roommate. You’re gaining a roommate.

Father: Yes, you. Lady right here in the front.

[Cut to Patricia]

Patricia: Hi, Ian. Remember me? I’m your wife, Patricia. Quick question, why are you throwing our marriage like this?

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: And to that, I reply I am not throwing anything away. I am throwing a clutch three pointer right at the buzzer and that’s happiness.

Father: It looks like we’ve got a line of objections forming in the isle.

[Cut to the line. Alberta’s dad is at the front.]

Go ahead and step up to the microphone.

Alberta’s dad: Uh, yeah, I’m the father of the bride. Dammit, Alberta! Does this white boy know how many kids you got? How many kids you think she got, sir?

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Um, I’ll say three.

[Cut to Alberta’s dad]

Alberta’s dad: Well, double it and add four.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Daddy! Do not ruin this for me.

[Cut to Alberta’s dad]

Alberta’s dad: 10! 10 kids. You need to be straight with this boy. He just adopted a Wu Tang Clan.

[Alberta’s dad leaves]

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Sir, thank you for your concern. Your daughter did actively deceive me in this matter but I deceived her as well. Alberta, I am not the King of England. And the only castle I own is a White Castle.

Alberta: We good. Who is the next dummy?

[Cut to a doctor standing]

Doctor: Yes, hello. I am an emergency room doctor and few days ago this man was admitted to my ER with what I can only describe as a shattered penis.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: That’s my bad. Sorry.

[Cut to the doctor]

Doctor: And after about 10 hours of surgery, I was able to reconstruct it.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Um, mostly.

[Cut to the doctor]

Doctor: Yes, mostly. But it is still very much touch and go, extremely fragile. The best analogy would be a late state zynga tower. And I am just so, so scared for what may happen to this man’s penis tonight. Because if there is one wrong move, Zynga!

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Alberta: Thanks! Bye!

Ian: Yeah! Bye!

Father: Yes, the young lady in the headband.

[Cut to Casidy. She is in her basketball jersey.]

Casidy: Uh, yo, what’s up? I’m Alberta’s teammate Casidy. Ay, go lady bears! Uh, I know you love this little guy, but coach says we got a real shot this year. You got to focus on the game. A WNBA championship. We’d be set for life. $5,000 split among us.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Maybe she has a point.

Alberta: Hey, baby, look at me. I can do both. By the day I will pull down those rebounds and by night, I’ll pull down my drobes.

Father: Okay, how about one last objection?

[Cut to Evelyn. She is an old lady.]

Evelyn: I don’t know these people. I was just walking by and I caught a very brief glimpse of these two thrill the winter. Now, I am a mild mannered person. I don’t speak in groups. I don’t get involved. But when I saw these two, every hair on my body stood up and said, “Evelyn, get in there and shut it down!” Also, I am a psychic. And I can tell you with complete confidence, all of this ends with a great gruesome murder at a female Big and Tall shop. The murder weapon will be an extra large plastic hanger.

[Cut to Ian and Alberta]

Ian: Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve heard your complaints.

Alberta: We have.

Ian: And we understand your trepidation.

Alberta: We do.

Ian: And yes, we are very different people. But more importantly, daddy needs his chocolate. He need it, need it, need it.

Alberta: That’s right.

Ian: Chocolate in the morning. Chocolate in the evening. Chocolate at supper time. Thank you.

Father: Well, if that’s all, I’d like to add my objection to the mix. And also pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

[Ian and Alberta kiss]