Weekend Update David Ortiz on New England Patriots

Colin Jost

David Ortiz… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow, the New England Patriots will attempt to win their fifth Super Bowl title. Here to talk about it is the biggest New England fan we know, Boston Red Sox Slugger, David Ortiz.

[David Ortiz slides in] [cheers and applause]

David Ortiz: Yo! Yay! Yay! Yay! Whooo! Hey, como estas, Yost! Oh, are you ready for the super bowl?

Colin Jost: I am, I’m excited. I might have some people over if you want to–

David Ortiz: No.

Colin Jost: So, Big Papi, [Michael Che laughing]

David Ortiz: Yes?

Colin Jost: Do you have any kind of Super Bowl traditions you do?

David Ortiz: Oh, yeah. This gonna shock you, man. But actually, I do a pretty big lunch. Yeah.

Colin Jost: Yeah, you do a big lunch.

[Cut to David Ortiz]

David Ortiz: Yeah, big lunch for Big Papi. Yeah, we’re going to have mofongo, arroz con fideos, langosta con mantiquilla de chicharron, y cocoa de yogurt, and you konw, Yon Madden?

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yon? John Madden?

David Ortiz: Yeah, man. Yon Madden, man. You know, he always make a turducken, man. [Cut to David Ortiz] That’s a turkey inside a duck inside a chicken. I’m gonna make a mofunguin. That’s a mofongo inside a chicken inside a penguin. yeah. It’s a big mofongo too, so you’re gonna need a big-ass penguin.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Where are you getting a penguin?

[Cut to David Ortiz]

David Ortiz: From the zoo, bro. You know what they say, happy feet, happy in stomach.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, they don’t.

David Ortiz: Yeah, eating penguin.

Colin Jost: No one says that. Now, you’re retired from baseball, obviously. I’ve noticed you’re doing a lot more ads on TV.

David Ortiz: Oh yeah, I got a hungry mouth to feed, man. [pointing his own mouth] This one. Yeah, that’s why I do product plugs.

Colin Jost: Product plugs? You plug products on TV?

David Ortiz: No, no, no. I tell you which products have plugs. [Cut to David Ortiz.] Lamps, that’s-a got a plug. Toaster, that’s-a got a plug too. Hamster wheel, that don’t need a plug. It’s-a got a hamster. [Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost] You see, it’s very educational.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I learned a lot.

David Ortiz: I also do ads for little scissors.

Colin Jost: Little Caesar’s, pizza?

David Ortiz: No, no, no. Little scissors. [Cut to David Ortiz] Do you want to give a haircut to a little baby? Or cut the toenail of a Prima Donna Iguana? Reach for little scissors. But don’t give it to a monkey, he might cut your peepee.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow.

David Ortiz: Yeah.

Colin Jost: Yeah, thanks. I can visualize it. Thank you. So, do you have any adds running in the Super Bowl?

David Ortiz: Oh, yeah, yeah. I got one for a new sponsor, a product for everybody.

Colin Jost: Everyone.

David Ortiz: Yeah. [Cut to David Ortiz] Are you really self-conscious about your body? And are you a manatee? Well, why not wear a Mana-T? A t-shirt a fat manatee can wear when he goes swimming but it no help with the boat propeller. No, no, no. Hey, do you know how the manatee got so fat?

Colin Jost: How did manatee got fat? No. How?

David Ortiz: From eating wasa cocoa con questo frito. It’s no good for manatees.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. It’s not good for humans either.

David Ortiz: Yeah, not good for anybody.

Colin Jost: Okay. Now, do you have any Super Bowl predictions?

David Ortiz: Oh, yeah, I predict I’m going to really enjoy Lady Haha. [Cut to David Ortiz] and I tell you this, I never bet against the Falcons. Not after Falcons tore my cousin to pieces. So? If I had to predict the final score, I’d say Falcons- 1cousin, Patriots- 100 mofongos.

Colin Jost: Big Papi, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost– Not yet. Oops, sorry. I started ending it.

David Ortiz: Oh, I just leave now. Okay. Bye bye.

Colin Jost: [laughing] Big Papi, everyone. Sorry. I thought we were—

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: [laughing] You just saved my job. [Colin Jost laughing]

Patriots Press Conference On Deflated Footballs

Gregg Gumble… Kenan Thompson

Bill Belichick… Beck Bennett

Tom Brady… Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Kyle Mooney

Jay Pharoah

Sasheer Zamata

Dougie Spoons… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Inside The NFL intro]

Gregg Gumble: Hello, welcome. Welcome to Inside The NFL. I am Gregg Gumble, [pointing at his hair] the human microphone. With just a week to go before Super Bowl 49, the NFL is facing yet another scandal. And this time it actually has something to do with football. The New England Patriots were accused of intentionally deflating footballs during the AFC championship. We now go live to Gillette stadium where Patriots coach Bill Belichick is holding a press conference.

[Cut to Bill Belichick at the podium of press conference.]

Bill Belichick: Good evening. As you can tell, I’m taking this very seriously. That’s why I got dressed up. I came here today to tell you that I have absolutely nothing to do with deflating those footballs and that’s all I have to say at the matter. Period! But I still have several minutes left. So, I’d like to spend the remaining of the press conference throwing my quarterback under the bus.

Now, I don’t know if this is relevant, but I remember, right before kickoff, Tom got this crazy look in his eye and he whispered to me, “I’m gonna do it. I’m finally gonna do something about those damn footballs.” Also, even though you didn’t ask, I’m just gonna say that I never really trusted the guy. Someone that good looking and rich, I mean, you’ve seen American Psycho.

Anyway, I loved him like a son. Just more of a strange son that I wouldn’t trust around footballs.

[Cut to the media raising their hands for questions.] [Cut to Bill Belichick]

I’m sure you have questions but I’d rather leave those questions to the person who did it, Tom Brady.

[Bill Belichick leaves an Tom Brady walks in.]

Tom Brady: Uh, hey guys. Thanks for being here. I just wanna address the elephant in the room. This is a vintage hat. Pretty cool, right? Alright, laters!

[Tom Brady walks away but Bill Belichick pushes him back to the podium] [Cut to the media]

Kate: Tom. Hey, Tom. Did you have anything to do with deflating these footballs?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Me? Absolutely not! Honestly, I wasn’t even aware that footballs could be inflated or deflated.

[Cut to the media]

Kate: You weren’t aware of that?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Look, all I know is that a football is a pigskin. So, I just assume that air in the football is how much air was inside the pig when it died.

[Cut to the media]

Kyle: Tom! I think you’re pretending to know a lot less than you actually do.

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: [in squeaky voice] Whaaaaat? Look, guys. I’m just a quarterback, alright? Once I take that snap, all I’m thinking about is throwing the bum ass spirals to grunt man! I’m not worried about the air pressure in the ball. That’s nerd stuff. Honestly, that’s above my pay grade.

[Cut to the media]

Kyle: You make $26.5 million a year.

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Yeah. Well, is that a lot? Guys, I don’t know things. I’m not a banker! I’m not a science computer!

[Cut to the media]

Jay: Did you just say science computer?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Isn’t that what you call it? I don’t know. Also, I just wanna change the sub– I don’t wanna change the subject here but remember how my former team mate Aaron Hernandez allegedly murdered 3 people? I mean, that seems like a huge story, right?

[Cut to the media]

Sasheer: Well, if you didn’t oversee the footballs, who did?

[Cut to Tom Brady]

Tom Brady: Okay, and for that I would like to turn it over to the real brains behind our entire operation, Assistant Equipment Co-Manager Dougie Spoons.

[Dougie Spoons walks in clapping]

Dougie Spoons: Yeah! Yeah! What’s up? Yeah! What’s going on? You guys wanna touch my balls or something? [laughing] [Cut to the media]

Sasheer: Um, Dougie, is it?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: Yeah! Dougie Spoons.

[Cut to the media]

Sasheer: Dougie, did Tom Brady at any point instruct you to take air out of those footballs?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: This man is a saint.

Tom Brady: Ah! Dougie!

Dougie Spoons: What? You think you can do what he does? He has won 3 Super Bowls. Six if you include the losses. This man is a legend, a hero, and one day he is gonna be the father of my child.

Tom Brady: I’m sorry, what?

[Cut to the media]

Jay: Dougie, we just want the truth.

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: You can’t handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has balls. And those balls have to be inflated by men with pumps. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, reporter? You don’t want the truth because deep down in places, you don’t talk about at Super Bowl parties, you want me on that bowl. You need me on that bowl.

[Cut to the media]

Kate: Did you deflate the ball?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: I did the job I was told to do.

[Cut to the media]

Kate: [yelling] Did you deflate the ball?

[Cut to Tom Brady and Dougie Spoons]

Dougie Spoons: [yelling] You’re damn right I did!

[Tom Brady slides out] [Cut to the media looking shocked] [Cut to Gregg Gumble in his news set] [cheers and applause]

Gregg Gumble: Woah! Wow, that was not what I expected. This is basically the best episode of Inside The NFL ever! And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!