Weekend Update- Donald Trump Jr. Mocks Paul Pelosi, Kanye West’s Instagram Suspension

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

President Biden’s scene here begging for one more year before the midterms warned about Republican candidates who say they will refuse to accept election results warning they could set the nation on a path to chaos. So wait, this is just the path to chaos. I thought we’d been living in chaos for at least six years. I mean, Nancy Pelosi’s husband was attacked in their home by a guy with a hammer. And instead of even basic sympathy, Republicans were like, “We heard he gay.” Donald Trump Jr. mocked the attack on Pelosi’s his husband by posting an image of a hammer and a pair of underpants with a message “Got my Paul Pelosi Halloween costume ready.” And I would agree that Don Jr. is probably the expert on getting hammered in your underwear. Also Don Jr., is that your underwear man? Why is that so dirty and stretched out? Like you were trying to burn Paul Pelosi but now I’m just wondering if you wear your dad’s old underwear.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kyrie Irving at right top corner.]

Michael Che: After meeting with the anti Defamation League, Kyrie Irving announced that from now on he will pretend to not be anti semitic. Brooklyn Nets star Kyrie Irving was suspended after he tweeted a link to the anti semitic film “Hebrew to Negros: wake up black America.” In the Hebrew to Negros was also the name of my favorite r&b group in the 90s.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Oprah Winfrey at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Just days before the midterm elections, Oprah Winfrey endorsed John Fetterman instead of the monster she unleashed upon us. Is it crazy that Oprah gave Dr. Oz his career and even she’s turned against him? It’s like if Robin ran for mayor of Gotham and Batman was like, “I fully endorse penguin.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Barack Obama and Herschel Walker at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Herschel Walker responded to Barack Obama criticizing his qualifications to be in the Senate by saying “Put my resume against his resume.” Fine. So here’s Obama’s resume and here’s Herschel Walker’s. It’s better than I thought.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Economy adds over Michael 200,000 jobs” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It’s better. The latest jobs report shows that last month, the US economy added over 200,000 jobs. “We’ll see about that,” said Elon Musk. This is interesting since Elon Musk took over Twitter, use of the N word on the site has reportedly jumped 500%. It’s the biggest increase in the use of the N word since the last time I stubbed my toe.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kanye West at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kanye West was suspended from Instagram again for posting a disparaging message about Jewish people. Seems like he’s doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, which I’ve heard is the definition of something. I’m noticing a trend with Kanye. His business deals went bad and he just started calling it a Jewish conspiracy. Sort of like when his albums got bad and he just started calling it gospel.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of people running a marathon at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow is the New York City Marathon or as Fox News will report it “Undocumented Africans one wild in streets of New York”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chinese flag at left top corner.]

Michael Che: China has launched the third and final module for its permanent space station. Now all they have to do was launched some children to assemble it.

[picture changes to an article that says “Employers must disclose salary range”]

New York City is now requiring employers to disclose salary ranges in all job listings. Employers must list everything ranging from the top salary all the way down to the female salary.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of CNN logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: CNN has announced that due to budget cuts, they are scaling back on original series and documentaries. Yeah, apparently there was a flaw with the business model of giving Stanley Tucci millions of dollars to eat Gilato.

[picture changes to a man carrying a handgun]

A Zoo in Atlanta will allow visitors to carry firearms. So you want to try laughing at me again monkeys?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of North Korean flag at right top corner.]

Michael Che: What happened to you, man? Tensions are on the rise after North Korea launched more than 20 missiles into the ocean and all because the Little Mermaid is black. [laughing] It’s not real.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a person writing a list.]

Colin Jost: Our linguistics expert has released a list of the most beautiful sounding baby names with the top spots once again going to Matthew and Sophia, while the worst sounding names are Moist and Slurp.

[picture changes to a grenade]

Police in Oregon are warning residents about several hand grenades that have washed ashore on a beach. The hand grenades were discovered when one beach goer said “Mommy look at this shell I fo…[pauses]”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a sun at right top corner.]

Michael Che: NASA has released an image of the Sun in which it appears to be smiling. So if the sun can smile, would it kill you ladies to try it?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Mother leaves child at home to go day drinking” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In Arizona, woman was arrested after she allegedly went day drinking while her five month old child was sitting home alone, like, a loser.

Girl Talk

Willie… Kenan Thompson

Monique… Ego Nwodim

Stacy… Megan Thee Stallion

Kim… Punkie Johnson

Paul… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with Willie introducing the show]

Willie: Welcome to the show. Welcome to the show where the tea is hot and the bras are off. It’s time for Girl Talk.

[Monique walks in to the show set]

Monique: Hello. I’m your host Monique Money Monique Problems. And this is girl talk. The talk show where ladies tell me their problems and I keep my advice real simple. I’m like a wise old grandma except I still look good. Ha-ha-ha. Y’all want to know my measurements? Nah, not, maybe. And as always, we got Willie in the DJ booth. How you doing DJ Willie?

Willie: Oh man, I love life. I got two girlfriends. They know about each other and they both cool with it. I’m strong and I’m happy.

Monique: Okay, good for you. DJ Willie. Thank you.

Willie: Ay, thank you.

Monique: All right, let’s get started with our first guest. Please welcome Stacey.

[Stacy walks in]

Hi. How are you doing?

Stacy: Hi, Monique.

Monique: Hi Stacey. So talk to me. What’s going on with you?

Stacy: Okay, well, here’s my problem. My boyfriend of four years just asked me to move in with him. But I’ve recently caught him cheating. What should I do?

Monique: Girl… [gives a look]

Stacy: Girl… [gives a look]

Monique: Girl… [gives a look]

Stacy: Girl… [gives a look]

Monique: Girl… [gives a look]

Stacy: You’re right. When you put it like that, I need save my coins and break up his ass.

Monique: Um-hmm. There she is y’all. Come on, give it up for Stacey. I saved another life today, y’all. Okay, let’s go ahead and bring out our next guest. Please welcome Kim.

[Kim walks in]

Kim: Nice to meet you.

Monique: Okay, hi Kim. What’s going on with you?

Kim: Oh my god, it’s just everything that’s going on with the world is stressing me out. My anxiety is through the roof.

Monique: Umm. You know, this sounds like it’s about to be complex. So why don’t we get our subtitles off for any white people or men tuning in. Go ahead Kim.

Kim: Girl… [Subtitle reads: Don’t get me started.]

Monique: Girl… [Subtitle reads: Pop off!]

Kim: Girl… [Subtitle reads: First off…] Girl… [Subtitle reads: What’s going on with the situation in Ukraine?]

Monique: Girl… [Subtitle reads:I know: How did it come to this?]

Stacey: Girl… [Subtitle reads: I’m not an expert, but…] Girl la… Girl… [Subtitle reads a long paragraph of over Stacy00 words]

Kim: Girl!

Monique: Okay, good boss. Stacy knows her stuff. Does she knows stuff or what? I will be honest, that just got a little too real for me. So why don’t you pick us back up DJ Willie?

Willie: Oh, man. I love my life. You know? My clothes are awesome. I got a cool car. I wake up laughing every morning. Because my life is better than my dreams.

Monique: Alright. Thank you DJ Willie.

Willie: Man, thank you!

Monique: Okay, let’s go ahead and bring out our final guests. Paul, come on out.

[Paul walks in]

So Paul, what’s up? Why are you here?

Paul: Well, I thought anyone could come on.

Monique: They can.

Paul: Okay, so my issue is this. I’ve got a great job, but I’m worried if I don’t quit now. I’ll never pursue my real passion drawing. What should I do?

Monique:  Girl… [gives a look]

Paul: Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.

Monique: Girl… [gives a look]

Paul: Okay, so quit my job?

Monique: Okay, you know what? You’re not getting it. Stacy, you’re the one with the boyfriend, right? So why don’t you help us out? Yeah.

Stacey: I got this. Bro…

Paul: Oh, yeah, that makes sense. I should quit drawing because I’m not really good at it.

Monique: Um-hmm. There we go. Boom. Third life saved, y’all.

Paul: Wow. And you’re the best. So I guess instead of saying thank you, I’ll take a page out of your book and say girl!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Monique: No, you’re not doing that. No way.

Stacey: You know where to go.

Monique: Alright, that’s our show. Play my song DJ Willie

Weekend Update- Pineapple on the Paul Pierce Scandal

Michael Che

Pineapple…Punkie Johnson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Paul Pierce was fired from his job as an analyst or ESPN after filming a wild party on Instagram live where he was surrounded by strippers. Here with more on that story is one of the strippers, Pineapple.

[Pineapple slides in]

Pineapple: Yeah. Hey! What’s going on? Hey, boo. I would prefer my full name Pineapple Penelope Peters, please.

Michael Che: Okay, Pineapple Penelope Peters. So, tell us what happened?

Pineapple: Okay, well, Big Che Mike, that is your name, right? Big Che Mike.

Michael Che: Sure.

Pineapple: Well, I want to know why Paul Pierce got fired for throwing one of the biggest parties of the year. Is it against ESPN policy to love big asses?

Michael Che: I mean, they’re owned by Disney. So, yeah, it kind of is.

Pineapple: Listen, everybody. Paul Pierce is a saint. He gave us, strippers, jobs during a very tough time. Ain’t nobody looking out for us, exotic dances in this pandemic. I haven’t danced at the Golden Cobra in months. I even did a few Zoom, but they didn’t work. You know how hard it is to clap your ass in front the camera while somebody yell, “Ay, you muted!”

Michael Che: I’m sorry to hear that. But didn’t you have a point about Paul Pierce.

Pineapple: Oh, yes. $Michael Che0.

Michael Che: Seriously?

Pineapple: Can a fish walk? Get me my money.

Michael Che: Alright. Luckily, I keep stripper money here. [gives $Michael Che0 to Pineapple] Here you go.

Pineapple: Thank you. Okay, now. I just want to tell everybody three reasons why Paul Pierce should not have been fired. Can I have the desk?

Michael Che: Of course. Please.

Pineapple: Thank you.

[music stars playing. Pineapple puts her leg up on the desk and starts shaking her butt.]

Michael Che: Hey! Hey! What are you doing? We’re on TV.

Pineapple: But you said I could have the desk.

Michael Che: I mean just to talk to the people.

Pineapple: Oh, I’m sorry. Stripper brain. Okay. Reason number one. He got us all 4-for-4s from Wendy’s and you know I love my frosty. I put my little fries. You know. Reason number two, we didn’t have to pick up our money off the floor. He had a maid come in and sweep it up off the floor for us and put it in garbage bags. You know, classy. Reason number three, not only did he give us unlimited tequila shots, but he gave us all vaccine shots as well boo. I got the one and done.

Michael Che: Ah! You got the Johnson&Johnson?

Pineapple: No. I got that Jackson and Jackson. See, Tido and Lataya, they got their own line of vaccines going on.

Michael Che: That is not a vaccine, Pineapple.

Pineapple: [looking at Michael Che] Oh, wait a minute. Boy, you look familiar.

Michael Che: What do you mean?

Pineapple: Don’t act like you don’t know. I’ve been to your apartment before. I did that pole split on your cow-printed rug. I was the one saying, “Mooo!”

Michael Che: No. Pineapple, everybody.

Amy Schumer Mother Knows Best

Paul… Pete Davidson

Shelby McAllister… Amy Schumer

Summer… Cecily Strong

Jackie… Aidy Bryant

Mason… Chris Redd

Shanile… Leslie Jones

Christopher… Mikey Day

Abissaleth… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with “Game Show Network” intro.]

Female voice: You’re watching “Game Show Network.”

[Cut to game stage. The contestants are waiting for the host.]

Male voice: It’s “Mother Knows Best” where moms and their teams team up to win cash. Here’s your hostess with the mostest, Shelby McAllister.

[Shelby walks in]

Shelby: Thank you. Thank you and welcome to “Mother Knows Best.” I’m your host, Shelby. I’m a YouTube sketch comedian and a serious genuine singer. Okay, to find out what our teams are playing for today, let’s check in with our announcer cutie pie Paul.

Paul: Hmm. Please don’t call me that. Just ‘Paul’ please. Our teams are playing for a grand prize of $10,000. And again, just Paul.

Shelby: Hmm, thank you cutie pie Paul. Okay, let’s meet today’s teams. From Fountain Valley, California, 17 year old Summer and her mom Jackie.

Summer: My mom can be really strict.

Jackie: Oh, and if we don’t win today, she’s grounded.

Shelby: From Tempe, Arizona, it’s 16 year old Mace and his mom Shanile.

Mason: My mom says raising kids is full time job.

Shanile: And today, I plan on getting that $10,000 raise.

Shelby: And from Fortress-of-the-Lamb, Pennsylvania, a close community of friends, it’s 17 year old John Christopher and his mom Abissaleth.

Christopher: My mom is my best friend.

Abissaleth: My son is my life. [Christopher and Abissaleth hug closely] He is of me.

Shelby: Awesome! Awesome! Before the show, we asked our teams questions about their moms. If their moms’ answers match up, they get 50 points. First question. Teams, what’s something you do that drives your mom crazy?

Summer: Oh, ma’am, this is easy. My mom hates when I chew my hair.

Jackie: Oh, yeap. I said “Chewing her darn hair.” [showing board with the same thing written.]

[right answer bell]

Shelby: Correct. 50 points on the board. Christopher, what’s something you do that annoys your mom?

[Christopher and Abissaleth are holing hands]

Christopher: [giggling] Sometimes in the morning, I wake up before she does and I get up out of our bed. And when she wakes up, she won’t know I’m there.

Shelby: Did you say our bed? Mom, show us your answer.

Abissaleth: I said, [showing her written board] “Leaving our bed early and making mommy worry.”

[right answer bell]

Shelby: Yes, you did. Correct. You got 50 points.

[Christopher and Abissaleth hug very closely and tightly again]

Abissaleth: [singing]

[Christopher and Abissaleth kiss on lips softly.]

Shelby: Cool. Cool. Okay. On to Mason and his mom. Mason, what drives your mom nuts?

[Mason and Shanile are still shocked]

Mason: [pointing at Christopher and Abissaleth] Um, they’re still going. [Christopher and Abissaleth are still kissing]

Shelby: Okay. Alright.

Abissaleth: We won the points.

Shelby: Okay, we’re done with that. We’re done with that. So, no more of that. Okay. Mason, what drives your mom crazy?

Mason: Um, when I play my music real loud. She hates that.

Shanile: What? I said “When you wear one of those dumb hats.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Shelby: Oh, yikes! No points. Okay, after one round, we got Summer and Jackie with 50 points, Mason and Shanile with 0, and John Christopher and Abissaleth with 50 points.

[Christopher is brushing Abissaleth’s hair.]

Close game so far, huh, cutie pie Paul?

Paul: Please, just call me Paul.

Shelby: We’ll see. Second question, and we’ll start with John Christopher. What’s your mom’s biggest fear?

Christopher: Oh, that’s easy. That I’ll meet a woman and get married one day.

Abissaleth: Yes, I put [shows her written card] “That a woman whose menarche has come will ensnare him, leaving me to perish in my loneliness and filth, alone, alone, alooooone. Also, lyme disease.”

Shelby: I really don’t want to give that answer points, but that’s 50 points.

[right answer bell]

[Abissaleth starts singing and then Christopher and Abissaleth kiss again.]

Shelby: Okay. Okay. Okay. And my producers are asking that you limit your songs to no songs. Alright, Summer, what’s your mom’s biggest fear?

Summer: Oh, um, probably spiders.

Jackie: Oh, shoot. I said [showing her written card] I said that “My husband and I will get into one of our loud fights in front of her friends.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Shelby: Oh, oh! No points. I hear you though. My mom and dad would fight all the time. My dad was not afraid of a drink. Let’s go to Mason and Shanile.

Shanile: Ah, we forfeit. We can’t beat these two. [pointing at Christopher and Abissaleth] They kissing on the lip. Look at them. Look.

[Christopher is sitting on Abissaleth’s lap. Abissaleth is caressing his thighs.]

Shelby: Yeah. Yeah. No one’s gonna beat them. I don’t think they’ve ever slept in separate rooms. Okay, we’ve got to take a quick break before round two.

Christopher: Well, will I have time for restroom?

Abissaleth: And will I have time to help him in there? Coz he can’t aim.

Shelby: Oh, my god! We’ll be right back.

Bank Breakers

Barry… Mikey Day

Paul… Kumail Nanjiani

Gretchen… Cecily Strong

Josh… Alex Moffatt

Pat… Pete Davidson

Robber… Beck Bennett

[Starts with “Bank Brekers” intro]

Male voice: It’s “Bank Breakers.” With your host, Barry Fielder.

[Cut to Barry.]

Barry: Welcome to Bank Breakers where greed isn’t good, it’s great. Let’s say hello to our contestands, Paul and Gretchen.

[Cut to Paul and Gretchen. There are money bags before both contestant’s tables.]

[Cut to Barry]

The game is simple. Steal each other’s money to win big. So let’s start it off as we always do with a quick cash grabber question. This West Coast city is known as the city by the bay. [beep] Paul?

[Cut to the contestants]

Paul: San Francisco, baby! [right answer bell]

Barry: Correct! Steal one of Gretchen’s money bags.

[Paul takes a money bag from Gretchen’s table]

Paul: Oh, feels good to take your money. You’re going down, lady. Whoo!

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Alright. That self high-five from Paul there who is one step closer to our grand prize of $50,000. What would you do with all that moola, Paul?

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: Oh, man! I need a wardrobe refresh. So, I’m buying a bunch of dope jackets and jeans. Jackets and jeans. Whoo! Jackets and jeans.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Jackets and jeans. Nice, buddy. How would you spend that cash, Gretchen?

[Cut to Gretchen]

Gretchen: On a medical procedure for my ten year old daughter, Willow, to restore her hearing. [Paul leans in the screen and is showing his thumbs down to Gretchen. Gretchen has cracking emotional voice] She has 90% hearing loss in both ears. [Paul slowly rotates his hand to make it thumbs up] Sorry.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Wow. That’s a very worthy cause. Good luck, Gretchen.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: Barry, I should mention that I will be donating some of my jackets and jeans to the charity, cars for kids.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Pretty sure they want cars, but hey, you do you, man. Paul, you’re up first. Pick a category.

[Cut to game screen. There are nine categories.]

Paul: Um, let’s go with Wiz Kid.

Barry: Alright. This category is about that famous boy wizard, Harry Potter. [Cut to Barry] Paul, you can play or pass to Gretchen.

[Cut to the contestants]

Paul: Well, you know, I feel a little bad about the way I celebrated when I took your bag of money. So I’ll pass to Gretchen. Give her a shot.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Alright, Gretchen. How are you feeling? Are you a potter head?

[Cut to Gretchen]

Gretchen: No. NO. When Harry Potter got big, I was serving four tours of duty in Iraq and I just kind of missed it.

[Cut to the contestants]

Paul: She’s a veteran?

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: She is. And Gretchen, thank you for your service. So, it’s the military veteran versus the– I’m sorry. What do you do, Paul?

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: I do online advertising for Marlboro cigarettes.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Versus Paul. [Cut to split screen with Paul and Gretchen] First question, Gretchen. Name the author of the Harry Potter series.

Gretchen: Oh, boy.

Paul: Oh, come on. You know this.

Gretchen: Um, J– I’ve heard his name before.

Paul: Her. Her name.

Gretchen: Jake Rowling.

[wrong answer sound]

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Oh, no. It’s J.K. Rowling. Big tobacco gets the steal.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: Please don’t call me that. [Cut to Paul and Gretchen. Paul takes another money bag from Gretchen.] I am so sorry. Thank you for your service.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Before we continue, Gretchen, I understand your family is here today.

[Cut to Gretchen]

Gretchen: Yes. Two of them are. My beautiful daughter, Willow and my handsome husband, Josh.

[Cut to Willow and Josh in the audience]

Josh: We’re proud of you, mommy! Even if you don’t win, we’ll find a way fo pay for Willow’s surgery and we are going to find a way to replace everything those Bulgars stole from us.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: Their house got robbed?

Barry: Yeah. Sure did. And who is cheering you on today, Paul?

[Cut to Paul. He has very sad face.]

Paul: My roommate, Pat.

[Cut to Pat. He is wearing t-shirt with ‘Loser’ written on it and an arrow pointing at Gretchen’s daughter.]

Pete: I’m sorry about this shirt. I didn’t know I would be next to a little girl. Paul told me it would be funny.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: I didn’t know about all their stuff. I’m so sorry. You know, it’s difficult for an immigrant like me to navigate this country’s culture. I grew up in Pakistan. Life there is very hard.

[Cut to the contestants]

Gretchen: Yeah, yeah. It is. I spent two years stationed in Karachi. How old were you when you came to the US?

Paul: 14… weeks old.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Wow. So, Gretchen spent more time in Pakistan than you did. That’s crazy. Um, Paul, pick a category, bud.

[Cut to the game screen.]

Paul: Let’s go with Pickers and Pluckers.

Barry: Alright. Oh-oh! You found the Bank Breaker! Paul, answer this question right and you take all of Gretchen’s money. But get it wrong, she takes all of your’s. Questions in this category, Paul, are about country music.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: Oh! Okay, I don’t know anything about country music. I’ll play, Barry.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Alright. Darius Rucker scored a hit with this 2011 song about a break up.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: [happily laughing] Oh! I got nothing. I don’t listen to country–

Barry: [interrupting] That is correct. “I got nothing” is the title of that song. Way to get Gretchen’s hopes up, buddy. Man, you are brutal.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: No, no, no. I was trying to lose. I swear it.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Alright. Let’s get Robby the robber out here to help Paul steal Gretchen’s cash.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul: No. No. Please don’t bring out the robber guy. Please don’t do this.

[Cut to all]

Robber: Sorry, Gretchen. Looks like this money is for jackets and jeans. Not for surgeries. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Whoo! Paul takes a huge lead and he’s headed into round two with all of Gretchen’s cash.

[Cut to Paul,Gretchen and robber]

Paul: I don’t want this.

[Cut to Barry]

Barry: Bank Breakers will be right back.

Surprise Lady- Thanksgiving

Cecily Strong

Bobby Moynihan

Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Sue… Kristen Wiig

Leslie Jones

Mom… Vanessa Bayer

Paul… Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

[Starts with a group of adults gathered for thanksgiving.]

Cecily: Okay, you guys, can I haver your attention? First, just so I don’t have to tell you all individually coz I know you’re all gonna ask, yes, everything in this house is from Pier one. Okay? Everything. Second, and this is slightly more important, my brother Paul got special holiday leave from the military and he is going to be here tonight for thanksgiving dinner.

Bobby: That’s amazing.

Mikey: Oh, wow.

Aidy: That’s wonderful.

Cecily: It gets better. We didn’t tell mom. She has no idea. We’re gonna surprise her.

Sue: [looking very excited] Oh!

Aidy: She is going to be shocked.

Bobby: Yeah. I can’t wait to see her face.

Sue: Oh, my god!

Mikey: This was a great idea. What do you need us to dy?

Cecily: Well, we have a whole thing planned out.

Sue: [excited and squeaky voice] Oh, my god! It’s a surprise? And there’s a plan? She doesn’t know it?

Leslie: Sue, are you alright?

Sue: Yes. [breathing heavy] I just love surprises. So freaking f-ing excited.

Cecily: Okay. So, Paul’s waiting right now at our neighbor’s house. As soon as mom is here, I’ll text him to come in and surprise her. Um, Sue?

[Sue is too excited]

Sue: Don’t you see? Just gonna get here? Like, your son is overseas but he’s over there? Behind the door? And she’s surprised?

Bobby: Oh, I have an idea. Should I film it with my phone?

Sue: [loud voice] Yes!

Cecily: Okay. Well, anyway, I thought after mom gets here, we’ll start eating and then Paul–

Sue: Oh, god! What are we eating? Corn? Tell me, is it butter?

Mikey: Sue, Sue, everyone’s excited. But we have to keep it together.

Aidy: Yeah, when mom gets here we can’t act like anything out of the ordinary is happening. Everybody just has to act natural. Can you do that, Sue?

Sue: Natural, yes. Yes. I’ll just look at my hand. I don’t know. My legs are locking up. I’ll walk around.

[Sue stands up. Her legs are stiff. She is trying to walk around.]

Cecily: Well, you know, mom’s gonna be here any minute. How about, you know what? How about when she sees Paul, everyone just yell, “Surprise!”

Sue: My god! I forgot about the yelling.

[Sue falls down and breaks a pot]

Cecily: That pot is from Pier one.

Mikey: And, Sue, you’re ruining the surprise.

Sue: Ah! I’m just so freaking freaked. Oh! Okay, I think I know what’s gonna make me feel better. Can we do a practice surprise? I need to dry run.

Cecily: Okay, fine. I’ll be mom, right. We’re all acting natural right. The doorbell rings. She opens the door. Paul’s there and we all yell…

Sue: [screaming] Surprise! Surprise! Yeah! Oh, god!

Aidy: Sue!

[car sound]

Mikey: Oh, that’s her. That’s her. She’s coming.

Leslie: Okay, everyone be calm. By everyone, I mean Sue.

Bobby: Sue, just sit down, okay? If you feel like you’re gonna say anything, just put this pillow on your mouth.

[Sue immediately puts the pillow in her mouth]

[Cecily opens the door. Mom walks in]

Mom: Hi.

Cecily: Hi.

Mom: Happy thanksgiving, everyone. Am I the last one here?

Cecily: Um-hmm.

[everyone is shaking their heads.]

[Sue now has only small part of the pillow inside her mouth]

Leslie: Did you eat the pillow? Did you eat that whole pillow?

[Sue nods her head yes.]

Cecily: Okay, mom, dinner’s ready. Maybe, we should all sit down before it gets cold. [whispering to everyone else] He’s coming.

Sue: Oh, god! [whispering] He’s coming. Oh, god, here it comes.

Mikey: Shh, don’t!

Sue: Oh god, here it comes. It’s coming. Someone’s coming. No, they’re not. Ding-dong. Who’s there? Yeah, it’s camouflage, oh, god! Army. What? No, Paul. Yes.

Mom: Did she say something about Paul?

Cecily: No.

[doorbell ringing]

Mom: Oh, now who could that be?

[Sue is struggling to close her mouth]

Sue?

Bobby: Sue, you’re ruining it.

Sue: I gotta get out of here.

[Sue runs, grabs the turkey and throws it on the window to breaking it. She runs through the window.]

[Mom opens the door. Paul walks in.]

Paul: Surprise!

Mom: Oh, my goodness. Paul, you’re here.

Paul: Happy thanksgiving, mom. Surprise! And I have more news. I brought my boyfriend home.

[Alex walks in]

Alex: Hi.

[Sue runs in again with the turkey on her head]

Sue: [yelling] I love same sex relationships.

[Sue holds Aidy’s hand and they both run out]

Family Charades

Chris Redd

Paul… RuPaul

Kate McKinnon

Frank… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Heidi Gardner

Sheila… Ego Nwodim

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with neighbors sitting in a hall after dinner]

Chris: You guys, dinner was amazing.

Paul: Is everyone in the neighborhood as nice as you?

Kate: Oh, you guys are sweet. We just wanted to give you a warm welcome.

Frank: Ay, you know, after dinner we normally play games.

Kyle: Yeah. You guys wanna play charades?

Everybody: Yeah.

Heidi: Okay. What are the teams?

Sheila: Should we do family versus family?

Kenan: Oh, well, more importantly, what are the stakes?

[Cut to Frank and Kate]

Frank: $1,000?

Kate: Frank!

Frank: Okay, well, too low? 5,000?

[Cut to everybody. Kate, Frank, Kyle and Heidi are sitting together as Barren family team. Chris, Paul, Sheila and Kenan are together as Johnson family team.]

Sheila: Okay. Alright, high stake charades. I like it. Alright, you guys go first.

[Cut to Barren family]

Kate: Alright, Barren family. Let’s lock in. I’m the start. Ready?

[Kate starts trying to tell her team using her actions only]

Kyle: Three words.

Frank: It’s a movie.

Heidi: Second word.

Kyle: Running.

Frank: Third word.

Heidi: Man. Running man!

Frank: Yes!

Kyle: Yes!

[The Barren family are celebrating]

[Cut to Johnson family]

Paul: Don’t get too excited. The Johnson family is pretty darn good at charades.

Kenan: Yeah, that’s right. Sheila, why don’t you kick us all, babe?

Sheila: Yeah. Watch how it’s done. [Sheila stands to give her team hints] Three words.

Kate: No talking.

Sheila: Oh, you see. I didn’t interrupt you sis. So, let me have my round.

Kate: Okay. The one rule is that–

Sheila: Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! I’m opening this and I’m reading this coz..

Chris: A book!

Sheila: Yes! Yes! Okay. So, we’re gonna skip the first word coz it’s just ‘The’, okay? Alright. Second word. Not big, rhymes with skittle.

Kenan: Little!

Sheila: Yes! Yes! That’s correct. That’s right! That’s right.

[Cut to Barren family]

Heidi: What’s happening?

Kyle: I– I don’t know.

[Cut to Johnson family]

Chris: What’s happening is you’re getting your ass whooped in charades.

Sheila: Okay! Okay! Third word. Purple rain, purple rain!

Paul: Prince! The little prince!

Sheila: Yeah!

[The Johnson family are celebrating]

Chris: Rolling baby!

Kenan: That’s my girl!

[Cut to Barren family]

Kate: There seems to be some confusion about the rules.

Frank: Yeah. Yeah. Maybe let’s just call that a practice round. There were some discrepancies in that round.

[Cut to Johnson family]

Paul: Well, y’all was trolling us.

Sheila: Um-hmm. And those who kept talking.

Kenan: Yeah, no talking. This is charades.

[Cut to Barren family become confused]

[Cut to Johnson family]

Paul: That was practice. This is real. Okay?

[Paul stands up to give his team hints]

Alright. Um, four words. And it’s a movie. And the first word’s just a number. So, just keep that in mind, okay?

[Cut to the Barren family]

Kate: See, but you can’t do that though. You’re supposed to mime it. There’s no words.

[Cut to everybody]

Paul: Oh, okay. Got it.

[Paul shows his own face, then points at Frank]

Johnson family: 12 years of slave. Oh!

[Johnson family are celebrating]

[Cut to Frank]

Frank: What about me made you think of 12 years of slave?

[Cut to the Johnson family]

Kenan: I mean, come on!

[Cut to Barren family]

Heidi: No, you guys don’t get it. You have to mime everything. Like for that last round, you should have gone. [Heidi is giving an example]

Paul: Arsenio Hall!

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: No. I’m looking for a movie.

[Cut to Johnson family]

Chris: A movie with Arsenio Hall. Oh! Come to America!

Kenan: Oh, man! We are like five to nothing!

[Cut to Barren family]

Kate: Okay. You’re also not allowed to point to anyone or anything in the room.

[Cut to Johnson family]

Sheila: Okay, I have literally never heard that.

[Cut to Barren family]

Kyle: These are standard rules. Go again. Try to follow them this time.

[Cut to Johnson family. Kenan walking forward.]

Kenan: Hey, y’all starting to look like some sort of losers. But I’m happy to try it your way. Alright, here we go. [Kenan mimes just like Heidi before]

Sheila: It’s not Arsenio Hall but it’s a movie.

Kenan: Um-hmm.

[Kenan starts giving hints. He acts like he’s laughing, crying and then using a calculator.]

Paul: Bad boys for life!

Kenan: Yeah!

Chris: Oh! Looking like a blow out, baby!

[Cut to Barren family]

Heidi: How did they possibly get that?

[Cut to Johnson family]

Sheila: Oh, girl, that was easy. He spelled it out. It was a movie that made you laugh, made you cry and afterwards made you google ‘When did Martin Lawrence get old as hell?

[Cut to Barren family]

Kate: Okay, I guess that technically counts as a point.

Kyle: That’s not how you play charades! You have to go word by word like this, [miming] Bad! Boys! For! Life!

[Cut to Johnson family. They are all laughing out loud.]

Kenan: What the hell was that?

Chris: Nobody knows. Okay, my turn.

[Chris stands up]

[Cut to Barren family]

Frank: How come they just keep going?

[Cut to Johnson family]

Chris: Aite, here we go.

[Chris starts miming]

Sheila: A movie!

Chris: Uh-huh!

Paul: 14 words.

Chris: Yeah.

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: 14 words? This one’s gonna take forever.

[Cut to Johnson family]

Chris: No, it won’t. I’ll get in two seconds.

[Chris starts miming]

Sheila: Oh, he’s making Marlon Wayans face. Oh!

Johnson family: Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood!

Chris: Ah!

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: Yeah! Ah!

Chris: Now, that’s enough to get our $5,000.

Kenan: Yeah, and this is our house now, so you all can leave.

Chris: Bye-bye.

Kenan: Bye-bye!

Graveyard Song (ft. Jim Carrey)

Janelle… Sasheer Zamata

Arla… Pete Davidson

Reaper… Jay Pharoah

Tombstones… Bobby Moynihan, Kate McKinnon

Phil… Jim Carrey

Paul… Taran Killam

[Starts with a video clip of graveyard.]

Janelle: Arla, this place is creeping me out.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla walking with a 6-pack]

Reaper: Come on, Janelle. What better place to get faded on that a graveyard?

Janelle: You’re so bad. It’s hot.

[music playing]

Wait! What’s that sound?

Reaper: I hear it too. Is that music?

[Everything in the graveyard is singing]

Everything: On Halloween, this place comes alive
spirits and hearts begin to rise
you’ve come here in the worst of nights
Say hello to our graveyard fights

[statue of Reaper starts walking down]

Reaper: I am the reaper, the keeper of the dead
tonight I’m going to keep your head

[Cut to two tombstone statues]

Tombstones: We are the spooky tombstone band
we sing the chorus of the damned

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: I am a twisted rotting tree.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul and Phil: We are Paul and Phil

[Cut to two tombstone statues]

Tombstones: Since you’ve arrived on Halloween
You are doomed to never leave

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: Are you scared?

Paul and Phil: Paul and Phil

Tree: Are you terrified?

Paul and Phil: Paul and Phil
Paul and Phil

Phil: Couple of dead guys.

Paul: We hail from the Hawkeye state. 

Phil: Paul and Phil

Paul: Phil and Paul

Paul and Phil: Can you guess who’s who? We’ll never tell.

Paul: Yes we will. I am Paul.

Phil: I guess I am Phil.

Paul and Phil: Now you know who’s Paul, who’s Phil. Paul and Phil!

[music stops]

Tombstones: Shut up! [Cut to tombstones] Shut up! Now! Just shut up!

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Janelle: What is this? What do you want with us?

Arla: The only thing I know for sure is that they’re Paul and Phil

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: We’re trying to explain everything to you with our song, but Paul and Phil made it the Paul and Phil show.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul: Oh, tree. Did we go on too long? Gosh! Darn it!

Phil: It was just so darn fun.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Arla: Are Paul and Phil like, a part of this? Because, I’m not scared of Paul and Phil.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Phil: Aw, thanks man!

[Cut to tombstones.]

Tombstone: Paul and Phil are just some nice casual ghosts, just sort of always around.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul: Yep! Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. I died chasing a butterfly off a cliff.

Phil: And when I found out he was dead, I killed myself.

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: Can we please continue our song?

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul: Well, that sounds good to us. Hey, where are we jumping in?

Phil: Are we rehearsed?

[Cut to the tombstones]

Tombstone: Hey! We’re starting.

[music playing]

We see you all consumed by fear
of all could things that could happen in here

[Cut to the reaper]

Reaper: I could slice you with my scythe. 

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: You could hang from my tree.

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul and Phil: Or, kind of rug with Paul and Phil

Phil: Coz everybody gotta have a place to go

Paul: If you can dig in

Paul and Phil: Or get down below

[acting like digging with a spade]

tsk-foo tsk-foo tsk-foo tsk-foo
That move is called ‘the Paul and Phil’

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: [yelling] No! Absolutely not!

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Phil: Did we jump in again too soon? I thought we were on our song after the tree!

[Cut to Reaper]

Reaper: Who told you that/

[Cut to Paul and Phil]

Paul and Phil: I think maybe you.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Janelle: Can we just go?

[Cut to the tombstones]

Tombstone: Not so fast. We’ll only let you leave, if you can solve our riddle.

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Arla: Well, can you tell us the riddle?

[Cut to everybody]

Tombstone: No, but we can sing it. [laughing]

[music playing]

[Cut to Reaper]

Reaper: What passes by but has no lane?

[Cut to the tombstones]

Tombstones: What has a face with no eyes to gaze?

[Cut to the tree]

Tree: What can strike–

[Paul and Phil interrupts]

Paul and Phil: Oh, it’s a clock!

Tree: Hell no! Hell no! Hell no, Paul and Phil! Hell no! You don’t ruin the riddle!

[Cut to Janelle and Arla]

Janelle: Cool. It’s a clock. Now, can we go?

Arla: Thanks Paul and Phil. Have a beer.

[Arla passes a beer to Paul and Phil but they cannot hold the can]

Phil: We’re ghosts. That beer went right through me.

Paul: Yes, it always did.

[Cut to everybody]

[music playing]

Paul and Phil: Paul and Phil
we’re Paul and Phil
we’re Paul and Phil
Paul and Phil
Paul and Phil

 

Cop Christmas | Season 44 Episode 9

Kelly… Matt Damon

Carl… Kenan Thompson

Connor… Beck Bennett

Captain… Alec Baldwin

Paul… Kyle Mooney

Maureen… Cecily Strong

Rhonda (Bartender)… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a shot of a bar]

Kelly: All right, another round for everybody. [Everybody sitting in the bar drinking bar] I’m buying this time.

Rhonda: You got it.

Carl: Oh, Kelly’s buying.

Connor: That’s what I call a Christmas miracle.

[Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor]

Kelly: Just for that, make his smaller than everybody else’s.

Paul: His wife told me somebody did.

Everybody: Oh!

[Cut to Captain and Carl]

Captain: Good one, Paul.

Connor: At least I still have a wife [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] to go home to, Paul.

Kelly: I bet Paul [Cut to everyone] would settle for a home at this point. [Everybody laughing]

[Cut to Captain and Carl]

Captain: You aren’t get any action sleeping at your sister’s house.

Carl: But I am!

Everybody: Oh!

[Cut to Paul and Kelly]

Paul: You guys are breaking my balls. Come on now!

Kelly: Reminds me, Paul, I got you a little Christmas present here. It’s a gift certificate to that new massage parlor downtown. Y

[Cut to Captain and Carl][Everybody laughing]

Captain: Yeah. For your lonely nights.

[Cut to Paul and Kelly]

Kelly: No, but really, it’s pretty nice place. [Emotional music playing in the background] It’s a full spa. They do really good massages, facials, hot stones. I know we break balls a lot. But you’re a good guy.

Paul: You know what? I can actually use this, thanks.

Kelly: I hope you do.

Paul: Thanks, man.

Kelly: Hey, Paul, Merry Christmas.

Paul: Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Carl, Paul and Kelly]

Carl: Hey, Paul, I got you a little something too.

Paul: Really, Carl?

Carl: [Carl takes out a box and gives it to Paul] Yeah, sure.

[Cut to Carl and Paul]

Paul: Headphones, hey, for what?

Carl: For when me and your sister get a little too loud at night! [Cut to everybody laughing] No, but seriously, [Cut to Carl and Paul] I know that can’t be easy for you, man. I mean I’m having sex with your little sister. You’re right there on the couch.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Those walls are paper thin. You must hear everything.

[Cut to Carl and Paul]

Paul: I just mind my business. It’s cool.

Carl: No, it’s not cool! It’s not cool at all! And I know we break balls a lot. Right? [Cut to everybody agreeing] Yeah, we break a lot of balls. We’ve been friends since the academy. [Cut to Carl and Paul] I would hate to put a strain on that.

Paul: Say here, they’re noise-canceling beats by Dre. You must have paid a lot of dough for these.

Carl: Some of the boys gypped in.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Yeah, some of us felt pretty rotten about nailing her too.

[Cut to Everybody]

Paul: Thanks. That means a lot, Captain. I’m just happy she’s with you guys, and not some jerks.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Hey, Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Everybody]

Carl: Merry Christmas.

Paul: Merry Christmas. Hey, is this a party or what?

[Maureen walks behind them]

Kelly: Where are you going? [Cut to Carl, Maureen, Paul and Kelly] Do a round with us, Maureen, come on.

Paul: It’s not like you have plans on a Friday night!

Maureen: Its’ a nice night, Paul. I figured I’d go let your mother out for a walk. [Everybody laughing]

Paul: You know what, Maureen, [Cut to Everybody] I think my mother would really like that. [Cut to Maureen and Paul] This fresh air could really do her good.

Maureen: Yeah, I think so too. Merry Christmas, Paul.

Paul: Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Everybody]

Kelly: All right, let’s get those shots! [Rhonda brings the shots]

Connor: How do you like that, we’re getting shots from the worst shot on the force!

Paul: Hey, you’re the worst shot I have ever seen, Connor!

[Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor]

Connor: Yeah, right!

Paul: Yeah, remember when you accidentally shot my wife?

Connor: Who, Beverly?

Paul: Yes! I only had one wife and you shot her. What a goof!

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Who’s the boss tonight. [Captain takes the shot]

[Cut to Everybody]

Connor: Hey, look, Paul, I’m actually glad you brought that up [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] because—I haven’t been sleeping good since that all went down.

Paul: Hey, man, forget it. You know, it’s been months already.

Connor: No, no, let me say this, Paul. I shot your wife at your wedding. And I guess I had a few too many, and I messed up. Big time.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Any one of us could have shot his wife at their wedding.

Connor: Yeah, sure, [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] but I did. If I’m being honest, part of me still feels like it’s the reason she left you that night. I’m sorry, okay. I’m truly sorry, man. [Connor stands and leaves]

Paul: Wait, Connor. [Connor pauses] Merry Christmas.

Connor: Merry Christmas, man.

Kelly: Merry Christmas, Connor.

Carl: Merry Christmas.

Paul: Hey, Rhonda, put everything on my tab.

[Cut to Rhonda]

Rhonda: They’ve already been using your card. It’s 2 grand!

[Everybody laughing]

[Cut to Everybody]

Paul: You guys breaking balls! [Everybody laughing]