Sue… Kristen Wiig
Mom… Vanessa Bayer
Paul… Pete Davidson
Alex Moffat[Starts with a group of adults gathered for thanksgiving.]
Cecily: Okay, you guys, can I haver your attention? First, just so I don’t have to tell you all individually coz I know you’re all gonna ask, yes, everything in this house is from Pier one. Okay? Everything. Second, and this is slightly more important, my brother Paul got special holiday leave from the military and he is going to be here tonight for thanksgiving dinner.
Bobby: That’s amazing.
Mikey: Oh, wow.
Aidy: That’s wonderful.
Cecily: It gets better. We didn’t tell mom. She has no idea. We’re gonna surprise her.
Sue: [looking very excited] Oh!
Aidy: She is going to be shocked.
Bobby: Yeah. I can’t wait to see her face.
Sue: Oh, my god!
Mikey: This was a great idea. What do you need us to dy?
Cecily: Well, we have a whole thing planned out.
Sue: [excited and squeaky voice] Oh, my god! It’s a surprise? And there’s a plan? She doesn’t know it?
Leslie: Sue, are you alright?
Sue: Yes. [breathing heavy] I just love surprises. So freaking f-ing excited.
Cecily: Okay. So, Paul’s waiting right now at our neighbor’s house. As soon as mom is here, I’ll text him to come in and surprise her. Um, Sue?[Sue is too excited]
Sue: Don’t you see? Just gonna get here? Like, your son is overseas but he’s over there? Behind the door? And she’s surprised?
Bobby: Oh, I have an idea. Should I film it with my phone?
Sue: [loud voice] Yes!
Cecily: Okay. Well, anyway, I thought after mom gets here, we’ll start eating and then Paul–
Sue: Oh, god! What are we eating? Corn? Tell me, is it butter?
Mikey: Sue, Sue, everyone’s excited. But we have to keep it together.
Aidy: Yeah, when mom gets here we can’t act like anything out of the ordinary is happening. Everybody just has to act natural. Can you do that, Sue?
Sue: Natural, yes. Yes. I’ll just look at my hand. I don’t know. My legs are locking up. I’ll walk around.[Sue stands up. Her legs are stiff. She is trying to walk around.]
Cecily: Well, you know, mom’s gonna be here any minute. How about, you know what? How about when she sees Paul, everyone just yell, “Surprise!”
Sue: My god! I forgot about the yelling.[Sue falls down and breaks a pot]
Cecily: That pot is from Pier one.
Mikey: And, Sue, you’re ruining the surprise.
Sue: Ah! I’m just so freaking freaked. Oh! Okay, I think I know what’s gonna make me feel better. Can we do a practice surprise? I need to dry run.
Cecily: Okay, fine. I’ll be mom, right. We’re all acting natural right. The doorbell rings. She opens the door. Paul’s there and we all yell…
Sue: [screaming] Surprise! Surprise! Yeah! Oh, god!
Aidy: Sue![car sound]
Mikey: Oh, that’s her. That’s her. She’s coming.
Leslie: Okay, everyone be calm. By everyone, I mean Sue.
Bobby: Sue, just sit down, okay? If you feel like you’re gonna say anything, just put this pillow on your mouth.[Sue immediately puts the pillow in her mouth] [Cecily opens the door. Mom walks in]
Mom: Happy thanksgiving, everyone. Am I the last one here?
Cecily: Um-hmm.[everyone is shaking their heads.] [Sue now has only small part of the pillow inside her mouth]
Leslie: Did you eat the pillow? Did you eat that whole pillow?[Sue nods her head yes.]
Cecily: Okay, mom, dinner’s ready. Maybe, we should all sit down before it gets cold. [whispering to everyone else] He’s coming.
Sue: Oh, god! [whispering] He’s coming. Oh, god, here it comes.
Mikey: Shh, don’t!
Sue: Oh god, here it comes. It’s coming. Someone’s coming. No, they’re not. Ding-dong. Who’s there? Yeah, it’s camouflage, oh, god! Army. What? No, Paul. Yes.
Mom: Did she say something about Paul?
Cecily: No.[doorbell ringing]
Mom: Oh, now who could that be?[Sue is struggling to close her mouth]
Bobby: Sue, you’re ruining it.
Sue: I gotta get out of here.[Sue runs, grabs the turkey and throws it on the window to breaking it. She runs through the window.] [Mom opens the door. Paul walks in.]
Mom: Oh, my goodness. Paul, you’re here.
Paul: Happy thanksgiving, mom. Surprise! And I have more news. I brought my boyfriend home.[Alex walks in]
Alex: Hi.[Sue runs in again with the turkey on her head]
Sue: [yelling] I love same sex relationships.[Sue holds Aidy’s hand and they both run out]