Weekend Update- Eric and Donald Trump Jr. on Paul Manafort

Colin Jost

Eric… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week saw the first arrest in Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation. Here to comment on the situation, our first sons Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. slide in] [cheers and applause]

Donald Trump Jr.: Thanks for having us.

Eric: You’re welcome.

Donald Trump Jr.: I was talking to Colin, buddy. We’re his gusts, right? [Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.. Eric is trying to copy Donald Trump Jr.’s gestures.] Colin, we’d like to make it very clear that our father did nothing wrong. Some people who barely worked for him did, but dad knew nothing about it. And the same goes for Eric and myself.

[Cut to all]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, I definitely believe you that Eric hd no idea what was going on.

[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Exactly. And look, Paul Manafort and Rick Gates, we barely knew these guys. And as for the last guy, George–

Eric: Doctor Octopus.

Donald Trump Jr.: No, buddy. It’s not George Doctor Octopus. It’s George Papadopoulos.

Eric: George–

Donald Trump Jr.: Papadopoulos.

Eric: Papa–

Donald Trump Jr.: –dopoulos.

[Eric is confused]

Alright. Anywy, Papadopoulos was a pity hire, Colin. He got coffee. He was a glorified intern.

Eric: He was my boss.

Donald Trump Jr.: No, he wasn’t your boss.

[Cut to all]

Colin Jost: So, you guys are not worried about this Mueller investigation?

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. Who Robert Mueller should be investigating, Colin, is Hillary Clinton. [Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.] As we learn from Donald Brazilee, Crooked Hillary and company did some shady back room deals with the Russians. And tried to rig the election in her favor.

Eric: Just like dad.

Donald Trump Jr.: Alright! Eric, you want to play with your Halloween candy and eat some of that, bud?

[Donald Trump Jr. gives Eric a bucket of Halloween candies]

Eric: Um, I already had my three pieces today.

Donald Trump Jr.: Oh, that’s okay. It’s a special occasion.

Eric: Okay.

Donald Trump Jr.: Colin, the bottomline is this. Nobody in my father’s inner circle– [Eric starts sucking on a sugar stick] Eric, what are you doing, buddy? It’s fun dip, man. There is sugar in there.

Eric: Where?

Donald Trump Jr.: You dip the stick in the sugar. See? There is like, a whole thing of sugar in there. You don’t just lick the stick, dude.

Eric: In there?

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. Dip it in. Alright look.

[Eric dips in and looks at Donald Trump Jr.. Eric tastes it and is very happy.]

Right? Look, everything our father has done and our family has done is completely above board. And now, we’d like to focus, Colin– [Donald Trump Jr. looks at Eric dipping and eating too much] It’s good, right? Not too much. You’re going to be up late, buddy. We would like to focus on important thing like brand-new deals with Trump Organization and getting a little bro time like the hunting trip we took last week.

Eric: I shot a deer.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. You sure did. You wanna show Colin the deer you shot, buddy?

Eric: Uh-huh.

[Eric shows a sign board with deer’s picture on it. There’s a bullet hole on it.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Look at that. Right here. Right in the G, buddy. Proud of you. Can you believe this guy? So good with a gun.

[Cut to all]

Colin Jost: I cannot. Eric and Donald Trump Jr., everyone.

Weekend Update on Paul Manafort’s Indictment

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, it’s almost the one year anniversary of Donald Trump getting elected president. And to celebrate, Robert Mueller threw him a surprise party. [Picture changes to an article saying ‘Trump associates indicted’] After the indictment, [Picture changes to Paul Manafort] a former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort who also played shooter McGavin in ‘Happy Gilmore’, it was reported that Manafort has three US passports and traveled to Mexico, China and Ecuador with a phone he registered using an alias. So, I don’t know what he is guilty of, but it’s definitely not nothing. No one has three passports, a burner phone and good intentions. Except, maybe Santa Claus.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump’s tweet at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Trump lashed out on Twitter about the indictments from the Russia probe and the unfair news coverage probably and I’m sure he brought up the crooked Hillary again. Look, I gotta be honest, I can’t read anymore of this guy’s tweets. I’m tired of watching the president of the United States having emotional breakdown on social media like he’s Tyrese. [Picture changes to Tyrese Gibson’s emotional breakdown video] It’s embarrassing. Look, if you wanna live tweet Morning Joe or Cup Cake Wars or whatever else you watch, fine. But indictments are important. And you work for us. So go put on your baggy suit, your clip on tie and fold your hair up nice and answer all of our questions face to face like the public servant that you are. Okay? I mean, what are you doing on Twitter? We shouldn’t have to wonder if our president is communicating with us from his toilet.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In response to the terrorist attacks this week in Manhattan, president Trump has promised to end ‘The diversity immigrant visa lottery,’ which by the way was named in order to make Fox News viewers heads explode. Obviously, this attack was awful but I’m not sure we should get rid of an entire immigration program based on the actions of one deranged individual. I mean, we don’t look at Trump and say, “We should get rid of all presidents.”

[Picture changes to Paul Ryan]

Republicans also– [cheers and applause] Thank you. Republicans also released their tax plan this week, which explains why Paul Ryan has been rock hard since Thursday. Ryan said that under the new tax plan, a family of four would save over $1,000 while this family [picture changes to Donald Trump’s family picture] would save like, a billion.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Paul Ryan at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Paul Ryan said the new tax plan would make filing taxes so simple that people can do their taxes on a postcard. I don’t want simple taxes because it probably means I will have to pay exactly what I owe. I want complicated as hell taxes on a bunch of different papers with a bunch of questions so I can lie. When somebody tells you, “Hey, I got a great tax guy”, they don’t mean he’s gonna make taxes very simple. They mean, “You are about to claim your fleshlight as a dependent.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Advisors who are planning president Trump’s trip to Asia have warned officials in each country that Trump is not comfortable with new cuisines and prefers familiar foods like well done steak and ice cream. And they’d also like easier maxes on his place mat. Now, I don’t know if this trip is going to be good for international relations. But it’s definitely going to be great for comedy. Coz, we’re sending this guy to Asia.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech video]

Donald Trump: Bing bing, bong bong.

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I mean, what could go wrong?

Paul Manafort’s House Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Paul Manafort… Alex Moffat

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

[Starts with Donald Trump visiting Paul Manafort] [door bell ringing. Paul Manafort opens the door. Donald Trump walks in with two security guards.]

Paul Manafort: Oh, Mr. President?

Donald Trump: Hey, Paul. I just came by to check up on you.

[cheers and applause]

Paul Manafort: Um, of course. I’m embarrassed. I only wore a casual $10,000 suit, you know? I thought you were on your way to Asia.

Donald Trump: Everybody does. But in fact, I sent Melania along with a very convincing look alike.

[Cut to Melania sitting  in airplane with a pillow Donald Trump]

Melania: Donald, why are you so quiet? Okay, then for the first time in 10 years, let me tell you about my day.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Paul Manafort]

Donald Trump: Paul, believe me. My staff is much happier that that look alike is going. They were terrified that when I got to Gina (mocking China) I would do the slant eyes thing like the guy on the Houston Astros. Hilarious, by the way.

Paul Manafort: Oh, yeah.

Donald Trump: Politically correct now. Everything is so politically correct. I’m surprised you can even say ‘Oriental rugs’ anymore. By the way, these are fantastic. [talking about the carpet]

Paul Manafort: Oh, yeah. Thanks. I got a great deal, only a million bucks because I paid cash.

Donald Trump: God, you screwed. Just so, so screwed. It’s a shame. You are going to prison because I was about to give you a huge tax break. We’re calling my tax plan cut, cut, cut, because it was named while I was having a small stroke. Speaking of cuts, do you have a good shiv you can bring with you to prison with you Paul? Because after the stuff I said about certain ethnic groups, they re going to go to town on you in prison.

Paul Manafort: Well, listen. Whatever happens, sir, I won’t betray you.

Donald Trump: I trust you, Paul. But just in case we re going to have to take this conversation somewhere else.

Paul Manafort: But I’m under house arrest. I’m wearing an ankle bracelet.

Donald Trump: We’re not leaving the house. Besides, everyone thinks I just left Hawaii.

[Cut to Melania sitting  in airplane with a pillow Donald Trump]

Melania: This whole trip, you were so dignified, you know? When we were in Hawaii and they offered you a ley, you didn’t make the usual tasteless joke. Also, you didn’t call Pearl Harbor fake news. And for once, you didn’t finish my dinner. Who knew that just by keeping your mouth shut, you could seem so presidential. Donald, have you been working out? Oh, Donald, I hope I remember how to do this.

[Melania leans towards Donald Trump] [Cut to Donald Trump and Paul Manafort in the shower topless.]

Donald Trump: I brought you to the shower to make sure you weren’t wearing a wire, Paul. That’s why we’re going to do this Gone Girl’s style.

Paul Manafort: Mr. President, I would never do that with you.

Donald Trump: That’s what she said. Like a whole bunch of she’s have said that. Speaking of which, what an idiot that Harvey Weinstein is. He could have gotten away with all of it if ony he had gotten himself elected president. Body wash?

[Donald Trump passes the body wash to Paul Manafort]

I have a proposition for you, Paul. All I need from you is to go to prison for a very, very long time. In return, I still get to be president which I hate but I’m too proud do quit. Does that sound fair?

Paul Manafort: Well, Mr. President–

[Mike Pence walks in the shower]

Mike Pence: Here, let me get your back. [Mike Pence takes the scrubber and scrubs Paul Manafort’s back]

Paul Manafort: Mike Pence? Why are you wearing a suit in the shower?

Mike Pence: Well, because I’m not married to the water.

Donald Trump: I wanted Mike to get his hands dirty too, okay? Because if I’m going down, I’m taking church lady with me. Mike, say cheese. [Donald Trump takes a picture of Paul Manafort and Mike Pence] There we go. If you say anything about this, Mike, I’ll text that photo straight to Jesus.

Paul Manafort: Well, Mr. President, can’t you just pardon me?

Donald Trump: Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. But we have a plan. A great plan. Isn’t that right, Jeff?

[Jeff Sessions joins them in the shower]

Jeff Sessions: Yes, Mr. President. Do you want a loofah?

Donald Trump: I’m all your’s, Jeff. I’m all your’s.

Jeff Sessions: Alright. Hi. I’m wearing a bathing costume that I got from my favorite place, the 1890s. Plus, I thought we should all get used to wearing stripes.

Donald Trump: Don’t worry. You won’t go to prison, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, I know. Coz I’m a sneaky lying little villain. If mean old Mr. Mueller comes after me, I’m just going to roll over and play dead like half possum that I am.

Donald Trump: As Jeff has pointed out, I can’t pardon you now. It would look too suspicious.

Jeff Sessions: Yeah. So we concocted a genius solution, Mr. Manafort. I dropped my loofah. Oh, don’t worry. My trustee little tail is going to get it. [Jeff Sessions has a tail that is holding the loofah behind him] Now, as I was saying, we have an ingenious solution.

Donald Trump: Here’s the plan, Paul. I can’t pardon you now. But we’re gonna wait a few weeks and then dress you up like a turkey. And then, we’ll pardon you.

Jeff Sessions: It is a foolproof plan.

Donald Trump: Well, there is a small chance that I’ll screw that up too and my family will end up eating you for thanksgiving. So hang in there, Paul. And–

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Weekend Update: Paul Manafort Sentenced to Prison | Season 44 Episode 15

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Narrator: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in news set]

Colin Jost: Thank you, good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: And I’m Colin Jost. [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Paul Manafort and Donald Trump at left top corner of the screen.] Well, here’s how bad Trump’s presidency is going. His campaign manager was just sentenced to four years in prison. And for Trump, that’s good news. Paul Manafort who looks like he was born divorced, faced up to 24 years in prison but only got four years, probably in minimum security white collar prison with a bunch of his friends. The guy stole over $50 million. And he basically got sentenced to college. The judge who sentenced Manafort said he gave him a lenient sentence because Manafort had lived “An otherwise blameless life” which is also the name of my favorite third eye blind album. Also, how can you possibly claim Manafort lived a blameless life. He’s being sentenced for another crime next week. And it’s a crime he committed while on house arrest for a third crime.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Paul Manafort at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: Paul Manafort got 47 months for tax evasion and bank fraud which as black guy feels very unfair. But for a rich black guy, it’s a little encouraging. I mean if I could steal millions of dollars in the United States Presidency in exchange for three years of my 70s? I can’t promise I won’t try. Chances are, I’m going to end up in jail in my 70s anyway by saying something that’s fine now but is punishable by death in 40 years. Like, calling my kids the N word. Or, calling my wife the N word. Or, calling some white lady the N word.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Li Yang at left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: Your kids? It was reported that President Trump watched the Super Bowl at Mar-a-lago with Li Yang, the woman who founded the chain of Asian day spa where patriots owner Robert Kraft allegedly solicited a prostitute. First of all, what a time to be alive, huh? Second, you know that Trump spent all their time together trying to convince her to give up North Korea’s nuclear weapons.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump signing Bibles at right top corner of the screen.]

Michael Che: President Trump visited tornado victims in Alabama and signed bibles for them. Now, I don’t know man. I’m not a very religious guy, but I feel like when you’re getting your bible signed by a dude that raw dogs porn stars, you’re probably not a very religious guy either.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture Hillary Clinton at left top corner of the screen.]

Colin Jost: And Hillary Clinton announced this week that she is officially not running for president. Am I the only one who’s a little disappointed? First of all, I think she would be a great president. Second of all, I want to see a rematch. Come on, Hillary is like Rocky in ‘Rocky IV’. No one thinks she can come out of retirement to beat this Russian hero [Picture changes to a boxer with Donald Trump’s face] who barely speaks English. I mean, Hillary [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton in jungle] literally went into the woods to do her training montage. She is ready to win this thing for America, because now she’s got nothing to lose, except the presidency for a third time.