Eric… Alex Moffat
Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Colin Jost: This week saw the first arrest in Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation. Here to comment on the situation, our first sons Eric and Donald Trump Jr.[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. slide in] [cheers and applause]
Donald Trump Jr.: Thanks for having us.
Eric: You’re welcome.
Donald Trump Jr.: I was talking to Colin, buddy. We’re his gusts, right? [Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.. Eric is trying to copy Donald Trump Jr.’s gestures.] Colin, we’d like to make it very clear that our father did nothing wrong. Some people who barely worked for him did, but dad knew nothing about it. And the same goes for Eric and myself.[Cut to all]
Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, I definitely believe you that Eric hd no idea what was going on.[Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.]
Donald Trump Jr.: Exactly. And look, Paul Manafort and Rick Gates, we barely knew these guys. And as for the last guy, George–
Eric: Doctor Octopus.
Donald Trump Jr.: No, buddy. It’s not George Doctor Octopus. It’s George Papadopoulos.
Donald Trump Jr.: Papadopoulos.
Donald Trump Jr.: –dopoulos.[Eric is confused]
Alright. Anywy, Papadopoulos was a pity hire, Colin. He got coffee. He was a glorified intern.
Eric: He was my boss.
Donald Trump Jr.: No, he wasn’t your boss.[Cut to all]
Colin Jost: So, you guys are not worried about this Mueller investigation?
Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. Who Robert Mueller should be investigating, Colin, is Hillary Clinton. [Cut to Eric and Donald Trump Jr.] As we learn from Donald Brazilee, Crooked Hillary and company did some shady back room deals with the Russians. And tried to rig the election in her favor.
Eric: Just like dad.
Donald Trump Jr.: Alright! Eric, you want to play with your Halloween candy and eat some of that, bud?[Donald Trump Jr. gives Eric a bucket of Halloween candies]
Eric: Um, I already had my three pieces today.
Donald Trump Jr.: Oh, that’s okay. It’s a special occasion.
Donald Trump Jr.: Colin, the bottomline is this. Nobody in my father’s inner circle– [Eric starts sucking on a sugar stick] Eric, what are you doing, buddy? It’s fun dip, man. There is sugar in there.
Donald Trump Jr.: You dip the stick in the sugar. See? There is like, a whole thing of sugar in there. You don’t just lick the stick, dude.
Eric: In there?
Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. Dip it in. Alright look.[Eric dips in and looks at Donald Trump Jr.. Eric tastes it and is very happy.]
Right? Look, everything our father has done and our family has done is completely above board. And now, we’d like to focus, Colin– [Donald Trump Jr. looks at Eric dipping and eating too much] It’s good, right? Not too much. You’re going to be up late, buddy. We would like to focus on important thing like brand-new deals with Trump Organization and getting a little bro time like the hunting trip we took last week.
Eric: I shot a deer.
Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. You sure did. You wanna show Colin the deer you shot, buddy?
Eric: Uh-huh.[Eric shows a sign board with deer’s picture on it. There’s a bullet hole on it.]
Donald Trump Jr.: Look at that. Right here. Right in the G, buddy. Proud of you. Can you believe this guy? So good with a gun.[Cut to all]
Colin Jost: I cannot. Eric and Donald Trump Jr., everyone.