NATO Cafeteria Cold Open

Chloe Fineman

Heidi Gardner

Justin Trudeau… Jimmy Falon

Emmanuel Macron… Paul Rudd

Boris Johnson… James Corden

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Egils Levits… Alex Moffat

Angela Merkel… Kate McKinnon

Melania Trump… Cecily Stront

[Starts with a narrator narrating]

Narrator: This week, during the NATO conference in London, foreign leaders were caught on a hot mic making fun of President Trump. This included Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, French President Emmanuel Macron and British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who Trump had considered a friend. Some dismissed it as petty high school gossip, but you should have seen what happened in the NATO cafeteria.

[Cut to the NATO cafeteria]

Chloe: Oh, hey Denmark.

Heidi: Hey, Norway. NATO conference has been hella ride this year.

Chloe: Totally. So international and fun.

Heidi: Oh, my god. Look, it’s Trudeu and Macron. They’re so cool.

[Cut to Justin Trudeau and Emmanuel Macron walking in with their lunch.] [cheers and applause]

Emmanuel Macron: Bonjour!

Justin Trudeau: Hey, sorry.

[Cut to Heidi and Chloe]

Chloe: Oh, my god, wow. And I guess, Boris Johnson is hanging out with them now, too.

[Cut to Boris Johnson walking in and joining Justin Trudeau and Emmanuel Macron] [cheers and applause]

Boris Johnson: Ha-ha-ha-ha, rather!

Emmanuel Macron: Come on. Let’s get some lunch. Maybe even a little bit of wine because we are bad boys.

[They walk to a lunch table where a Romanian is sitting]

Justin Trudeau: [bullying] Romania, scram!

[Romanian leaves the table]

Romanian: Sorry. Hey, you guys. I love your economy.

Emmanuel Macron: Away, geek!

Boris Johnson: Yeah, why don’t you Brexit outta here, Dweeb? Ha-ha-ha.

[Romanian leaves]

Justin Trudeau: OMG. Is that supposed to be a joke bBris? You’re being so cringe right now.

Boris Johnson: Yeah, no. I know. It was dumb of me. I’m sorry guys.

Justin Trudeau: You’re always sorry. You just got to try keep up. That’s what it’s like to hang out with cool guys.

[Emmanuel Macron and Justin Trudeau takes their combs out of their pockets and start combing their hair]

Boris Johnson: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [He spits on his hands and fixes his hair with his hands]

Emmanuel Macron: Shh! Quiet! Look, it’s Trump.

[Donald Trump walks in] [Cut to Emmanuel Macron, Justin Trudeau and Speaker5]

Emmanuel Macron: Did you see him speak for 45 minutes the other day? It was just supposed to be a photo.

Justin Trudeau: Well, if I looked like him, I’d try to distract the photographer, too.

Boris Johnson: Ha-ha-ha-ha! Yeah, he’s not good looking like us three.

Donald Trump: Oh, hey, guys, is this seat taken?

Justin Trudeau: Sorry, actually, it is.

Emmanuel Macron: Yes, we would love to see you talk and chew at the same time, but we promised this to a friend.

Donald Trump: Well, I’m Boris’ friend. Right, Boris?

[Boris Johnson is looking away]

Boris Johnson: Don’t make this harder than it already is— I’m hanging out with these guys now.

Justin Trudeau: Why don’t you sit over there, Donald? With Latvia?

[Cut to Egils Levits sitting dumbly]

Emmanuel Macron: Yes. Latvia seems more your speed.

Donald Trump: Okay, well, let’s hang out later on then, okay?

Justin Trudeau: Oh, definitely. Yeah, hey, by the way, you look thin. Have you lost weight?

Donald Trump: Actually I’ve gained quite a bit.

Emmanuel Macron: Well, it does not show. You look good.

Boris Johnson: And that tie. What is it made of?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Chinese chemicals. It is a clip-on, top and bottom.

[Cut to everybody]

Emmanuel Macron: Very cool. Well, Au Revior.

Justin Trudeau: Oh, my god! That guy’s a mess.

Emmanuel Macron: Did you hear him talk about climate change the other day? He said we need stronger toilets.

Emmanuel Macron: He’s like dumber than Boris.

Boris Johnson: Ha-ha-ha. He is! Ha-ha! He’s dumber than me!

Emmanuel Macron: Quick, quick. Wave so he thinks we like him.

[Three of them wave at Donald Trump] [Cut to Egils Levits and Donald Trump. Donald Trump is putting a lot of sugar on his drink.]

Donald Trump: [Talking to Egils Levits] These are my best friends. We run this place.

Eglis Levits: Oh, that’s nice. Hi, my name is Egils Levits but you can call me Egg. Would you like to try some of my pickled squid?

Donald Trump: Yeah, yeah. That’s great Ted!

Eglis Levits: Okay, so this one time in Latvia, we fed the wolvering snaps, and he went nuts! Ha-ha-ha.

Donald Trump: Oh, my god. I’m at the loser’s table. I can’t believe they made me sit with the foreign guy.

Eglis Levits: Hey, this is NATO. We’re all foreign.

Donald Trump: Okay, Fred, please, I’m trying to listen in here.

[Cut to Emmanuel Macron, Justin Trudeau and Speaker5]

Justin Trudeau: So, Boris, Macron and I were talking. We think that you should throw a party. This weekend. At Buckingham palace.

Boris Johnson: Well, that’s, that’s the queen’s house.

Emmanuel Macron: Ah, do it, Boris! Unless, you’re not cool enough.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Did somebody say something about a party?

[Cut to everybody]

Justin Trudeau: Oh! I don’t think your would want to go. You’d have to walk upstairs.

[Cut to Emmanuel Macron and Boris Johnson]

Emmanuel Macron: Yes, and the food is all high quality but small portions. It’s your nightmare.

Boris Johnson: Yeah. You like younger women. This party’s only got Macron’s wife. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Emmanuel Macron: What did you say?

Boris Johnson: Nothing. No, I’m just saying because your wife is older.

[Cut to everybody]

Donald Trump: Ha-ha-ha-ha! That’s good. I like when it’s mean but not about me. So, should I sit with you guys? Because this seat is still not taken.

Emmanuel Macron: No, it’s actually, it’s for someone else. Angela! Angela!

[Cut to Angela eating her meal] [Cut to everybody]

Justin Trudeau: We saved you a seat.

[Cut to Angela not believing]

Angela Merkel: Is this happening? I’m actually about to sit at the cool kids table? Okay. Just relax, Angela. Should I bring my flugelhorn? No, I must leave this behind. I must leave it all behind because I am cool now.

[Angela sands and walks to them]

Well, maybe one strudel. Hey, so— What’s up, my dudes? Sorry, Donald, you Shnoogan, you loogan. Hello fello cool kids. Soybean tariffs, am I right?

Justin Trudeau: Hey, Angela, you know who might be coming to our party? Obama!

[Cut to Angela freaking out]

Angela Merkel: Barack!

[Cut to Emmanuel Macron and Boris Johnson]

Emmanuel Macron: Yes, and you like-like him? What? No. Obama? Eww, he’s like gross. I definitely did not draw his face on my body pillow or anything.

[Cut to everyone]

Justin Trudeau: And Donald, I heard someone likes you too.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Really, who?

[Cut to everybody]

Justin Trudeau: Putin.

Boris Johnson: Ha-ha-ha-ha!

[Cut to Emmanuel Macron and Boris Johnson]

Emmanuel Macron: Boris, do the signs.

Boris Johnson: Oh!

[Boris Johnson stands and walks away] [Cut to everybody]

Boris Johnson: Well, you know, you better get back to Latvia, Donald.

Donald Trump: Yes. Okay, I’ll see you at the party later.

Justin Trudeau: Yeah, totally. It’s under the London Bridge.

[Donald Trump walks away. Boris Johnson stuck a message sign on Donald Trump’s back that says ‘Impeach Me!’] [Cut to everybody]

Justin Trudeau: It’s under the London Bridge, but you have to show up naked too.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Egils Levits]

Donald Trump: Okay. I’ll see you guys there. Thanks.

Eglis Levits: Hey, you know, those guys aren’t your friends. They’re mean.

Donald Trump: Well, they’re just kidding around. They love me.

[Donald Trump is shedding tears]

Eglis Levits: Are you crying?

Donald Trump: I just have a little cheeseburger in my eye.

Eglis Levits: You know, you guys really are jerks, okay? [Cut to everybody] You’re all two-faced, and I’m not getting impeached. It’s all a sham. Well, speaking of faces, I’ve heard you can’t get impeached if your hand is bigger than your face.

Donald Trump: Really?

[Donald Trump tried to compare his face and palm, but Justin Trudeau hits him on his face] [everybody laughing]

Angela Merkel: What a nerd!

[everybody laughing] [everybody stops moving as if the video is paused] [Melania Trump walks in with a remote]

Melania Trump: Hello, I am Melania Trump. Bullying is a serious problem. Especially against president Trump. It’s not nice. He would never do it to you. So, please, European leaders, be best. Oh, and I’d also like to tell you about peloton. Are you a scared woman who is traveling inside the mansion? Why not imaging biking away from it all. On Peloton. Merry Christmas to me. Oh and—

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night

Paul Rudd Is Hosting the Best SNL Season Finale | Season 44 Episode 21

Paul Rudd: Hi, I’m Paul Rudd. And I’m hosting the season finale of SNL with DJ Khalid.

DJ Khalid: Another one.

Paul Rudd: Hi, I’m Paul Rudd. And I’m hosting the season finale of SNL with DJ Khalid.

DJ Khalid: Another one.

Paul Rudd: Hi, I’m Paul Rudd. And I’m —

DJ Khalid: No, no. Her.

Cecily Strong: Hi, I’m Paul Rudd. And I’m hosting–

Paul Rudd: Yo! I’m Paul Rudd. And I’m hosting the season finale of SNL with DJ Khalid.

Cecily Strong: Season finale. So we got the best DJ Khalid.

DJ Khalid: The best.

Cecily Strong: Cecily Strong.

DJ Khalid: The Best.

Paul Rudd: Paul Rudd.

DJ Khalid: Not bad.

Paul Rudd: I’ll take it.

What’s Wrong with This Picture | Season 44 Episode 21

Elliott Pants … Kenan Thompson

Gina … Aidy Bryant

Steven … Pete Davidson

Louis … Paul Rudd

[Starts with intro of the show]

Announcer: It’s time to play What’s Wrong With This Picture.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants : Hello, everybody, I’m your host Elliott Pants. Welcome to another round of What’s Wrong With This Picture. The rules are simple. All you got to do is look at a picture, tell me what’s wrong with it. If you’re right, you might win a Toyota beef. The first car for thick boys. Contestants, are you ready to play? Gina?

[Cut to Gina]

Gina: Yes, daddy.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : I don’t like that. Steven.

[Cut to Steven]

Steven: I didn’t come here to make friends, but I would like it to happen.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : Okay. Louis?

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: What’s up?

[Cut to Elliott] Elliott Pants : I’m introducing you.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Oh, thank you.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : Okay. I guess this is who is available at 2 PM on a weekday. Let’s go to your first puzzle. Who can tell me what’s wrong with this picture?

[There’s a cartoon picture of a boy and a girl playing swing. The swing has rope only at one side.]

There’s something very wrong with this picture. Can you spot it?

[Cut to the contestants] [Steven presses the button] [beep sound]

Steven: Oh, I got it. They’re siblings who know they shouldn’t have kissed.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : What? No. That’s not close.

Steven: Oh, man.

[beep]

Elliott Pants : Louis.

Louis: Her hair has too many shrimps in it.

Elliott Pants : I’m sorry. Did you say shrimp?

Louis: By her ears are shrimp.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : No, those are her pig tails. Yeah. That’s not shrimp. Getting a little worried about this.

[beep]

Gina.

[Cut to Gina]

Gina: He’s pointing at her butt door and explaining its features.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : No. Something in this picture is physically impossible.

[beep] [Cut to Steven]

Steven: They’re gay.

Elliott Pants : What?

Steven: Boys and girls can’t be gay on each other. That don’t work. Has to be the same.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : No. I’ll give you a hint. Something is missing in the picture.

[beep]

Louis.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Love. Plus the knockers behind them don’t have nipples.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : Okay. That’s a bush.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Oh, that’s inappropriate.

[Cut to Elliott and the picture]

Elliott Pants : Can you really not see it? The swing is missing a rope.

[Cut to Gina]

Gina: Then why are they smiling?

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Because his jeans leave very little to the imagination and they like that.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : Well, that made me angry. All right. Here is your next picture.

[There is a cartoon picture of a woman looking at a mirror. There is a belt in the reflection but not on her.] [beep]

Gina.

[Cut to Gina]

Gina: Yeah, I got it. She’s 4 years old but the boobies grew too fast.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : Oh, my god, no.

[beep] [Cut to Louis]

Louis: The twins are in the fish tank and she can’t get out.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : That is not a fish tank, that is a mirror.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Then where are all the fish?

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : I hate you.

[beep]

Steven.

[Cut to Steven]

Steven: Oh, I see it now. The answer is she just did blackface and got away with it. The only problem is she got the job. Now what?

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : No. Now, stop it. The reflection is wearing a belt. It’s wearing a belt. All right, next.

[The picture changes to an office desk. The calendar reads 31 June] [beep] [Cut to Gina]

Gina: Oh, I know. Her chair is empty because she just got raptured. But once she got up there, god did a twirl and his robe flew up and she thinks she saw his thing.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : Gross! Wrong.

[beep] [Cut to Steven]

Steven: The objects come to life at night but the only problem is they’re poor.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : For the love of—

[beep] [Cut to Louis]

Louis: That computer has a virus and I hate to tell you, but it’s AIDS.

[Cut to Elliott. He is holding his head.] [Cut to Steven]

Steven: Uh, are you okay. Mr. Pant.

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : No. And it’s Pants. Look at that. What is that?

[Cut to Gina]

Gina: A date tent?

[Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : That is not a tent. There is no such thing as June 31st. Okay. We’re doing exactly one more of these.

[There is a cartoon picture of a girl playing roller blade on ice]

What’s wrong with this picture?

[beep] [Cut to Louis]

Louis: Oh, she’s wearing roller-blades instead of ice skates.

[right answer beep] [Cut to Elliott]

Elliott Pants : Oh, my god, that’s right. And I think it’s my wife. Can I say hi?

[Cut to everybody]

Elliott Pants : That is a drawing. [Cut to Elliott and Louis] This has been what’s wrong with this picture.

Louis: What are you doing?

Elliott Pants : We got to start screening these people.

The View Pete Buttigieg | Season 44 Episode 21

Whoopie Goldberg… Leslie Jones

Abby Huntsman… Cecily Strong

Joe Behar… Kate McKinnon

Ana Navarro… Melissa Villaseñor

Meghan McCain… Aidy Bryant

Pete Buttigieg… Paul Rudd

Chasten Buttigieg… Beck Bennett

[Starts with The View intro]

Narrator: You’re watching The View. Can you believe they’re not mic’d?

[Cut to the set]

Whoopie Goldberg: Hello, hello. This is The View, the most high stakes brunch on television. [Cut to Whoopie] I’m Whoopie Goldberg. Later today we’ll be talking about dinosaurs, are they scary or they just silly? But up first is hot topics. [Cut to Whoopie and Abby] This week Alabama pass a near total ban on abortion. We’re about to pop off. We’ll start with Amy Huntsman.

Abby Huntsman:  Thanks, Whoop, it’s Abby but I can change it. [Cut to Abby] They’re calling this the war on women. I don’t think women should fight. I think women should be best friends like us. Right, Joy?

[Cut to Joe]

Joe Behar: Yeah, sure, sweetie. Listen, I want to talk about the guys who passed this bill. Maybe they’re so concerned with what happens to a six-week-old fetus because they all look like one. Blobby Nothings with beady eyes and big foreheads. They’re like, oh, my god, it’s me. What do you want? Laugh, don’t, I get paid the same.

[Cut to Ana]

Ana Navarro: This law is backwards. It is regressive. It is texting your ex, honey, you don’t want to do that. It’s backwards, it’s regressive. It is– Oh, no, I’m skipping.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan McCain: Okay, can I talk now? Okay, I am the only daughter at this table. So, I have to say, these senators are actually very good and fun guys, so I am spending love to Clyde Chambliss, Shay Shelnutt and Garland Gujer. And those are all real names, okay? Please, please, guys, let me talk.

[Cut to Whoopie]

Whoopie Goldberg: No one else is talking.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan McCain: Okay. You see, and I’m getting attacked, and as the person most upset right now, I am right.

[Cut to Joe]

Joe Behar: We got a live wire. Anything’s going to set her off.

[Cut to everybody. Whoopie is making noise juggling her coins.]

What, what?

Whoopie Goldberg: Down, down, no, down!

[Cut to Whoopie]

Our guest today is one of the many democrats running for president. He’s also the youngest. Please give it up for Pete Buttigieg.

[Pete Buttigieg walks in to the set]

Pete Buttigieg: Hello.

Joe Behar: Hi. How are you?

[Cut to Joe and Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: Well, I’m ready to work. See my exposed forearms?

[Cut to Whoopie]

Whoopie Goldberg: Now, I hear when you grow up, you want to be president.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: Well, I am grown up.

Everybody: Aww.

Pete Buttigieg: I may only be 37 years old but I do feel like I represent everyday Americans. I’m just a Harvard educated, Multilingual War Veteran Rhodes scholar. I’m just like you.

[Cut to Joe and Pete]

Joe Behar: Oh my god! So young, so impressive. Can you fix my phone? I got like 8,000 unread emails.

Pete Buttigieg: Look, ladies, I’m here to talk about issues, like climate change. There you go, I fixed it.

Joe Behar: Okay. You’re my nephew. My nephew for president.

[Cut to Abby]

Abby Huntsman: Okay. And you have an unusual name. How do you pronounce that?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: Pete.

[Cut to Abby]

Abby Huntsman: Oh, okay. I was thinking Pad Thai like the Japanese spaghetti.

[Cut to Whoopie, Abby, Joe and Pete]

Whoopie Goldberg: So you really think that you’re ready to be president?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: Am I ready? [Speaking in Spanish] [Cut to Whoopie]

Whoopie Goldberg: And what was that last one?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Buttigieg: A language I made up to speak to Gnomes.

[Cut to Joe and Pete]

Joe Behar: I got to ask because I’m sure it come up. You’re gay.

Pete Buttigieg: That’s not a question. But I do want to say that I wouldn’t be running for president if I didn’t believe America was ready to accept not only a gay man but a boring gay man in public eye.

[Cut to Pete, Ana and Meghan]

Ana Navarro: I think I saw your husband backstage. Bring him out.

Pete Buttigieg: Oh, no, I’m here to talk about my policies.

Ana Navarro and Meghan McCain: Husband, husband! Husband!

[Chasten enters the set]

Chasten Buttigieg: Hello, I’m Chasten Buttigieg.

Pete Buttigieg: He took the name Buttigieg. That’s commitment, right?

[Cut to Meghan laughing only after few seconds]

Meghan McCain: Ha-ha-ha, yes, be my friend or I’ll die.

[Cut to Joe, Pete and Chasten]

Chasten Buttigieg: Wow, this is all so new to me. Usually I’m just home with the dog.

Joe Behar: You’re gay and you have dogs? I’m sorry. I love that. I’m voting for you. Mayor Pete, we love you, we can never forget about Joe Biden. [Cut to everybody]

Ana Navarro: Take me to Delaware.

Whoopie Goldberg: We love him.

Joe Behar: My Prez.

Ana Navarro: Oh, Joe.

[Cut to Whoopie hugging her Joe Biden printed pillow] [Song’s playing]

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven’s gate
There’s a freedom in your arms
[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan McCain: Well, thank you both for being here. Joy, you need to let me talk.

Joe Behar: I have said nothing all day!

[Cut to everybody. Whoopie blowing blow horn.]

Joe Behar: What?

Whoopie Goldberg: Not today, Satan.

[Cut to Whoopie]

Coming up after the break, prison reform and Elon Musk teaches us to vape. This is The View.

[Ends with outro]

Paul Rudd’s Best Man Speech | Monologue | Season 44 Episode 21

Paul Rudd

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [music playing]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Rudd.

[Paul Rudd walks in the door and up to the stage.] [Cheers and applause]

Speaker 1: Thank you. Thank you, thank you so much. I am so thrilled to be hosting the season finale of Saturday Night Live. [Cheers and applause] Hands down the most anticipated finale of this weekend. You know, I’ve hosted this show a few times now. And what I’ve learned is that these monologues, they should be a little funny, but they should also be heartfelt, sort of like a best man’s speech at a wedding. And well, tonight I would like to be your best man. So could we maybe get some champagne out here, something warm and flat?

[Two tall waiters come in, one hands over Paul a glass of champagne and the other puts a rose on his suit]

Thank you. Hello. Wow. Goodness. They’re tall. When I officially first met SNL in 2008, I was like, this guy is crazy. You were doing sketches about some guy named Barack. I hadn’t done a marvel movie yet so I was still treating people pretty well. Times have changed. Not a lot of people know this, but you and I, we used to kind of make out. I think we have some pictures of that.

[Cut to pictures of Paul Rudd’s kisses on SNL]

There wer are. Oh, man, were we nuts.

[Cut to Paul Rudd on stage]

SNL, you used to be a real dirty dog. I think like a thousand people have been on you. I know that sounds gross but hey, it was the ‘70s, ‘80s, ‘90s, and whatever this is. True story. I was actually right outside of this building on the night of the very first episode of SNL in 1975. I remember, because I had just turned 30. And I was working as a vomit boy at the studio 54. I thought, this isn’t for me. I thought I would be cleaning up vomit, but I was way off. So, I walked out. I started running. I found myself under a beautiful sign that said NBC. Out walked a guy who called himself Lorne. I went right up to him and I said, “Sir, one day I’ll be hosting your show.” And he said, “Guards, do your worst.” Funny how life works. After all of these years I knew we’d always be here for each other. Whenever you needed a host, and I needed to promote a movie. Now I’m just so honored to be hosting the finale of season 44. So hey, cheers to you. We’ve got a great show, DJ Khaled is here with like 200 friends. So stick around. We’ll be right back.

[Cheers and applause]

Ouija | Season 44 Episode 21

Dad… Paul Rudd

Christine… Heidi Gardner

Samantha… Cecily Strong

Ego Nwodim

Bealthor… Melissa Villaseñor

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a clip of a house. Girls are laughing.] [Cut to the room where the girls are having fun and the dad enters the room]

Dad: Uh-oh. Dorky dad on the loose. You girls want some snacks? I’ve got pita chips, raisins and salt.

Christine: Okay, bye, dad.

Dad: All right, I’ll get out of your hair. Just let me know if you want any of those things.

[Dad leaves the room]

Christine: Sorry my dad. But hey, I thought of something scary we can do.

[Heidi brings ouija board to her friends]

Samantha:  Ooh, cool. Ouija board.

Ego Nwodim: Let’s get spooky.

Christine: Spirits, we call upon you to answer our questions. If you are here, give us a sign.

[Thunder sounds] [Smoke begins to come out of nowhere] [A demon comes out of the smoke]

Bealthor: Ha-ha-ha. [Cut to Bealthor] I am Bealthor, mistress of the nine hell. [Cut to everybody] Ha-ha-ha.

Kate McKinnon: Holy smokes, we summoned a demon.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: Ask your question, mortals.

[Cut to the girls]

Christine: Okay. I’ll go. Demon, which one of us will get married first?

[The girls get shy] [Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: Ah, the whispers of the damned flow through my head. They say Samantha shall be first to wed.

[Cut to the girls]

Aidy Bryant: Aw, Samantha!

Samantha: Demon, thank you.

Kate McKinnon: Do you know, we should celebrate, you guys.

Girls: Pizza!

Aidy Bryant: Totally.

Christine: Pizza girls, at it again.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: I mean, I like pizza.

[Cut to the girls]

Kate McKinnon: Oh, I think we’re kind of done with Ouija stuff.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: Oh, same here. You know what we should get on our pizza? Pineapple!

[Cut to Samantha and Ego]

Samantha: Ew, that sounds gross.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: Oh, yeah, yeah, pineapple is so gross. I was just joking about that. Hey, let’s watch a movie. Movie girls at it again.

[Cut to Samantha and Ego]

Ego Nwodim: I don’t know, Bealthor, it’s kind of late to start a movie.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: Oh, yeah, yeah. I was thinking that too. As soon as I said it, I was like, “It’s too late.” I’m so stupid.

[Cut to everybody] [Dad enters the room]

Dad: Girls, [Cut to dad] why does the whole house smell like brimstone? Oh, hey, Ashley, right?

[Cut to everybody]

Christine: No, dad, this is Bealthor.

[Cut to dad]

Dad: Bealthor? Is that Greek? Mazeltov. Anyway, it turns out we ran out of pita chips. [Cut to Aidy, Samantha, Ego and dad] But wait a second, I think I do see something behind your ear. [Pulls a go-gurt from Ego’s ear as a magic] Oh, it’s a go-gurt. It’s the last one so take a squirt and pass it around. If you guys need me I’ll be downstairs, working that Swiffer.

[Dad leaves] [Cut to the girls]

Christine: Dads.

Bealthor: Ha-ha-ha. [Cut to Bealthor] Totally. My dad is all, I’m Satan, god cast me out of heaven, what a loser.

[Cut to the girls]

Samantha: What are you even talking about?

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: My bad, sorry for being weird. I’m just really struggling with my home life right now. And I guess I’ve been feeling really ugly lately.

[Cut to the girls]

Aidy Bryant: Um, hey–

Samantha: Don’t or she’ll never leave.

[Cut to Bealthor]

Bealthor: I’m going to go to the bathroom.

[Bealthor leaves the room] [Cut to the girls. Dad enters the room.]

Dad: Guess who ordered Thai food. So, if you guys could just throw in five bucks that would be—where’s the Goth kid?

[Cut to everybody] [Phone rings. Bealthor is talking on the phone behind the door.]

Bealthor: Hi, Satan? Can you come pick me up? These girls are being super fake.

[Cut to dad]

Dad: I don’t believe that I’m hearing. Were you girls bullying Bealthor?

[Cut to the girls]

Christine: Dad, she’s leaving.

[Cut to dad]

Dad: I don’t want to hear it, Christine. She has horns, big whoops. Maybe her differences are what make her cool.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, I guess you’re right, Mr. Sanderson.

Kate McKinnon: You’re right. We’ll be nice.

[Bealthor enters the room]

Bealthor: Hey, so my dad says that I can’t spend the night. Anyway, I’m sorry for ruining your party.

[Bealthor walks to the door]

Dad: Bealthor, wait.

[Cut to dad and Bealthor]

These girls have something they would like to say. Girls?

[Cut to everybody]

Kate McKinnon: Bealthor, we’re sorry.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah, we think it would be pretty ill if you spend the night.

[Cut to dad and Bealthor]

Bealthor: Really?

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Yes!

Bealthor: Yay. Hey, who wants to know how they’re going to die?

Everybody: Me!

Music Box | Season 44 Episode 21

Cecily Strong

Kyle Mooney

Emily

Storekeeper… Paul Rudd

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with people in an antiques store] Cecily Strong: What a beautiful antiques store.

Kyle Mooney: Honey, look at this old sign. [Cut to Cecily Strong and Kyle Mooney] It says, ‘I only drink on days that start with T. Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday, Thunday.

Cecily Strong: That’s hilarious. We probably don’t need that since you’re not drinking anymore.

Kyle Mooney: Oh, right.

Cecily Strong: You do remember that conversation?

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, sure. Hey, look what Emily found.

[Cut to everybody]

Emily: Look!

Cecily Strong: Oh! [Cut to Cecily Strong, Emily and Kyle Mooney] Look, it’s a music box with a ballerina on top. You know, my grandmother had one of these.

[Cut to everybody]

Storekeeper: Oh, that’s a wonderful choice. [Store keeper walks to them] They don’t make them like that anymore. And very affordable.

Cecily Strong: Our daughter just started ballet lessons.

Kyle Mooney: She’s not very good.

Cecily Strong: $60? I don’t know.

[Cut to the storekeeper]

Storekeeper: Wind the bottom and she’ll dance for you.

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Emily and Kyle Mooney] [Cecily Strong winds the bottom] [music playing]

Kyle Mooney: Oh, wow. Don’t you wish you could dance like that, sweetie?

Cecily Strong: The song is so pretty. Do you know the name of it?

[Cut to the storekeeper]

Storekeeper: Of course. It’s ‘Fancy party’.

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Emily and Emily]

Kyle Mooney: ‘Fancy party’? I don’t know that.

[Cut to the storekeeper]

Storekeeper: Sure you do. It’s a famous old beautiful song. Wind it again and let’s see if I remember the words.

[Cut to everybody] [Cecily Strong winds the bottom] [music playing] [Cut to the storekeeper]

Storekeeper: It started, the fancy party’s finally getting started

nothing can go wrong, owe wait, I farted,

I farted, now my whole world will never be the same.

[Cut to everybody]

And that’s ‘fancy party’.

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Emily and Emily]

Kyle Mooney: Hang on. The song ‘Fancy Party’ is about a ballerina having gas at a party?

[Cut to the storekeeper]

Storekeeper: That’s right. And the catastrophic effect it has on her life, relationships and dancing career.

[Cut to Cecily Strong, Emily and Emily]

Kyle Mooney: That’s not real.

[Cut to everybody]

Storekeeper: Sure it is. Your grandmother probably sang it to you while you went to sleep. Wind it again, you’ll remember.

[Cecily Strong winds the bottom] [music playing] [Cut to the storekeeper]

I beefed one,

they hired me for dancing, then I beefed one

it was oh, [Cut to everybody] so very long and not a brief one

because I beefed one

Now this whole fancy party knows my name

Cecily Strong: Wait I do know this.

[Cut to Cecily Strong and Storekeeper]

Cecily Strong and Storekeeper: I gave them quite a scare

when I jumped up in the air

and out a fruity rooty came

Storekeeper: I knew you knew it.

[Cut to everybody]

Kyle Mooney: I’m sorry if you’re eating

but my tights just took a beating

Everybody: And now I fear I’ll never dance again

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: I farted.

[Cut to everybody]

Storekeeper: Hello.

Kenan Thompson: I was just passing by and heard ‘Fancy party”.

Everybody: Did you hear the news how I done farted?

Now the party has sadly been departed

because I farted

That’s just how it goes.

Kyle Mooney: Wow.

Cecily Strong: That’s good.

Storekeeper: Memories.

Kyle Mooney: I’m glad you didn’t sing, honey. You would have messed it up.

Emily: Sing it again.

Cecily Strong: Let’s do it.

[Cecily Strong breaks the music box trying to wind it]

oh! No! Did I break it?

Storekeeper: What have you done?

Kyle Mooney: Honey, what have you done?

Cecily Strong: It wasn’t one of a kind, was it? Surely there are more.

[Everybody are staring at Cecily Strong]

Please, please.

[Cut to Kenan coming up front to camera]

Kenan Thompson: And that’s The Twilight Zone.

Leslie & Kyle | Season 44 Episode 21

Kyle Mooney

Leslie Jones

Paul Rudd

[Starts with Leslie watching something on her laptop and laughing in dressing room] [Cut to Kyle coming in dressing room]

Kyle Mooney: Oh, hey, Les, a change in the court sketch, you’re going to be the Bailiff now.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: Oh, okay, cool, thanks Kyle. [Leslie gets back to watching] [Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: What are you watching?

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: I’m watching Russian car crashes, they’re crazy over there.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: You know, last weekend I was watching those Leslie and Kyle videos we made for the show when we were in love with each other.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: I remember those. Why did we stop making them?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: They were great. Actually, can I show you a pretty fun clip.

[Kyle sits beside Leslie and takes over her laptop]

May I?

[Cut to the laptop playing a video where Kyle kisses Leslie] [Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: Oh, my god.

[Cut to the laptop playing a video where Leslie is making out with Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Tell me I’m not dreaming.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie]

Leslie Jones: Aw, we was babies.

Kyle Mooney: It was like last year. But you know it’s weird, sometimes people will come up to me on the street and say, “Are you really dating Leslie?”

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: No way! Me and you?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: They truly thought it was real.

Leslie Jones: It’s ridiculous.

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, so ridiculous. Well, I should get out of here.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie. Kyle passes the laptop back to Leslie.[

So enjoy your videos, madam.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: Thank you, sir.

[Leslie leaves]

Umm, hey, Kyle.

[Kyle walks back in]

Kyle Mooney: What’s up?

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: Got some wine. You want to maybe have a glass of wine, we can watch videos.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, sure. I mean, I drink everyday, so—yes, let’s do it.

[Kyle walks and sits beside Leslie. Leslie passes Kyle a glass.]

Thanks. Well, to a wonderful year.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: Oh, yes.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie. They both take a sip of wine.]

Oh wait.

[Leslie wipes Kyle’s lips]

Oh, you got some on your lip.

Kyle Mooney: Thank you.

[Cut to Kyle]

Is this happening right now?

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie Jones: I don’t know.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie. They kiss.] [Cut to a dreamy world where Kyle and Leslie are walking together holding hands wearing matching dress.][Music is playing]

Kyle Mooney: Why do birds suddenly appear

every time you are near

just like me they long to be

lose to you

[Cut to a Kyle and Leslie having sex in dressing room]

Kyle Mooney: Oh god, crap!

[Cut to Paul Rudd walks in]

Paul Rudd: Whoa! What the [bleep] are you doing? This is my dressing room.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie]

Kyle Mooney: Hey, sorry, man.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul Rudd: Oh, god. What’s that smell? Ew! It stinks over here too. Were you [bleep] over here too? It smells like a bad tooth. My shoes are stinking to the floor. It’s like an old movie theater.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Sorry okay?

[Cut to Paul] Oh, crap.

Paul Rudd: Are you still doing it? Get out of here.

[Cut to Kyle and Leslie. They both stand up.] [Cut to Paul. He looks away.]

Leslie Jones: We said sorry, dude. Are you stressed out?

[Cut to Leslie and Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Hey man! We were just having sex for a few hours. [Cut to Paul] Relax.

Paul Rudd: Yea, I’m stressed out. I just—I want the finale to go well. I didn’t mean to yell. Sorry.

[Cut to Leslie and Kyle both start to massage Paul]

Leslie Jones: Aww baby.

Paul Rudd: That feels good. Mmm. Is this happening?

[They all start making out] [Cut to a dreamy world where Paul, Kyle and Leslie are dancing and holding hands wearing matching dress. Paul and Kyle starts kissing. Leslie is shocked.][Music is playing]

GoT Tribute | Season 44 Episode 21

Pete Davidson

Kenan Thompson

Gray Worm

DJ Khaled

Paul Rudd

[Starts with Pete Davidson getting ready to rap. He is wearing a Game of Thrones shirt]

Pete Davidson: Game of Thrones, 10 seasons. I can’t believe it’s coming to an end. It’s like my favorite show ever. HBO. Here we go.

Jon Snow, Dragons, lotsa wolves
blue zombies, armored clothes, silver swords,
that extendo prostitute houses, lotsa wine,

and a big ass wall, never miss an episode.

[Music stops.] [Cut to Kenan coming in]

Kenan Thompson: Yo! Pete!

[Cut to Pete] Pete Davidson: Yo!

[Cut to Kenan. He opens his jacket and shows Pete his Game of Thrones shirt.]

Kenan Thompson: I didn’t know you like Game of Thrones. How come you never mentioned it before?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Davidson: Oh, yes! I don’t really like to talk about my personal life. I don’t like that attention.

[Cut to Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: Hmm. Okay.

[Kenan leaves] [Cut to Pete rapping. Music stars playing.]

Pete Davidson: Never miss an episode, there’s hobbits and toads
magic, muggles, I assume some crows

[Cut to Kenan looking at Pete. Music stops.]

Kenan Thompson: You assume some crows? Pete, this is my friend Gray Worm. [Gray Worm walks in] [Cut to Pete]

Pete Davidson: Oh, hey, what’s up, man? Did you say your last name is Worm?

[Cut to Kenan and Gray] Gray Worm: Yes, he has never seen the show.

Kenan Thompson: Yeah, you know nothing Pete Davidson.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Davidson: I’m a penis.

[Cut to Kenan and Gray]

Kenan Thompson: Look, Pete. You don’t have to do a rap about Game of Thrones just because it’s the most popular show in the world right now.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Davidson: So, what are you saying, then if I’m going to do an epic rap song for the season finale, it should be about a TV show I actually like?

[Music fades in] [Cut to Kenan and Gray]

Kenan Thompson: Oh, no, I don’t think you should do a rap at all.

[Cut to Pete rapping and music playing]

Pete Davidson: Grace and Frankie. Grace and Frankie.

My favorite Tv show is [beep] Grace and Frankie.

Kenan Thompson: Why?

Pete Davidson: Jane Fonda, Lily Tomlin, Martin Sheen,
Sam Waterson, that’s right son,
it’s a Netflix original, one of the first ones
going to be on for 5 seasons to see

oh! ladies is the reason you’ll thank me
Watch that show every day on the reggy
you laugh, you cry, you better grab a hankie 
that’s right, I’m talking about —

[Cut to DJ Khaled in the video]

DJ Khaled: Grace and Frankie!
DJ Khaled, we the best!

Kenan Thompson: What?

DJ Khaled: Better than Game of Thrones.

Pete Davidson: Real quick, if you’re not here
let me catch you up a little bit on a smash hit
it’s so fantastic, they’re opposites
they run a business selling dildos
ain’t that classic?

Kenan Thompson: Guys, I just want to let you know this is getting expensive.

Pete Davidson: They once caught their exes kissing,
you don’t know what you’re missing

Grace dated Nelson, Frankie dated Ernie Hudson
they’re both like 80 something
riding hot air balloons like it’s nothing
think of bluffin’, let me tell you boy it sure is something

DJ Khaled: Grace and Frankie! They’re different but the friends. It’s a nice show. DJ Khaled!

[Cut to Paul Rudd comes in]

Paul rudd: Hey man! I’m here to do my Game of Thrones verse.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Davidson: Oh, I changed it. Now you just rap about whatever your favorite TV show is.

[Cut to Paul]

Paul rudd: Any show I want?
My favorite TV show is Motherfu[beep] Grace and Frankie
rip a mic and again to motherfu[beep] Ant man
Season 4 is the [beep] guest starring Lisa Kudrow
Frankie moved to Santa Fe
to Graces this was unusual
Things starting cracking, Grace had that scooter accident
That’s the tip of the iceberg, have you touched our Sol and Robert?

DJ Khaled: Grace and Frankie. Remember, Robert had that sleep apnea? That was crazy. 

Pete Davidson: The girls got their house back from their kids
sol can’t train a dog for shi–[Beep] Frankie was sick and Grace might [beep] marry Nick.

DJ Khaled: Grace and Frankie, best in the game. DJ Khaled. We out!

Paul rudd: Yo, Thrones! I got a dragon you can sit on right here.      

Pete Davidson: All right Paul. Sorry.

Cut for Time Retirement Party | Season 44 Episode 21

Melissa Villaseñor

David… Kenan Thompson

Alex Moffat

Aidy Bryant

Chris Redd

Ted… Beck Bennett

Bred… Paul Rudd

[Starts with staffs of an office having a retirement party]

Melissa Villaseñor: But David’s been more than a boss to me. He’s been my best friend. To David.

[Everybody raise their coffee cups]

Everybody: To David.

David: Oh guys! [Cut to David and Melissa] You guys are so kind. 50 years sure goes by fast. I mean, what can I say? I just love auto insurance. But it’s time I take it easy on old ticker. You know, doctor’s orders.

[Cut to the staff]

Alex Moffat: Yes, we’ll visit you often pal.

Aidy Bryant: Yes, we’re not letting you go that easy.

[Cut to David]

David: See, now I’m tearing up. Ah, I think that’s my clue to leave.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris Redd: Well, hold on because I think Ted and Bred from IT put a little something together.

[Cut to David and Melissa]

David: Oh, that’s so nice. I barely even know those guys. What is it, a slide show?

Melissa Villaseñor: We’ll see. Fellas?

[Cut to everybody. There is a TV screen in front of everyone.] [The light dims. Music starts to play.] [Cut to the TV screen. It says “Thank you David”.”

[The video is disturbed and another video plays.]

Ted: We interrupt this simulation for a very important message.

Bred: In the beginning god created man. And from millennium, man reign supreme over all of creation.

[Cut to the staff.]

Speaker 8: What is this?

[Cut to the video]

Ted: Until man creates a god in the form of computer.

[Drum starts playing] [The TV screen slides away. Ted and Bred walks Up with their musical instruments.]

Ted and Bred: Computer boy. Computer girl. 

We all live in computer world.

Computer, com-com-com-com-Computer

com-com-com-com-Computer

Oh-hail! Computer.

Ted: D-D-D-Digital free way

Mommy told me to eat my greens 

but now I’m grown up and I only computer

Bred: Computer! Daddy told me to brush my teeth

But now I’m grown up and instead I computer

Ted: Computer! I’m in love with my computer.

Bred: M-M-Mouse pad, baby.

[Music stops] [Cut to the other staffs. They clap.] [Cut to David and Melissa. They are confused.]

David: Wow! Thank you. That means a lot.

Melissa Villaseñor: Sorry guys, I’m a little confused.

[Cut to Ted and Bred]

Bred: Of course you are. You live in a digital age where computers are king.

[Cut to Chris, Aidy and Alex]

Chris Redd: No, it’s just tonight’s about David and you were supposed to make slides.

Aidy Bryant: Yes, not form a computer focused full wave band.

[Cut to Ted and Bred]

Ted: Oh, foolish human. If you had just once bothered to engage us in conversation–

Bred: You would know we are not just IT guys, but we have always been–

Ted and Bred: The Electric Computers.

Ted: Me Professor Professor, and he, Mr. Microchip.

[Cut to Chris]

Chris Redd: Yeah, I’m not calling you that Ted.

[Cut to David]

David: Well, thank you for the music boys. I think I’m going to head out.

[Cut to Ted and Bred]

Ted: No, no, David stay. We did actually write a song for you.

[Cut to David]

David: Really? For me?

[Cut to Ted and Bred]

Bred: Affirmative. 2, 3, 4.

[Music starts playing]

Bred: The year is 2031. Mankind as we know is enslaved. Humans live only to serve their one true master. A master called–

[Cut to Chris]

Chris Redd: He’s going to say computer, man!

[Cut to Ted and Bred]

Bred: Computer!

Ted: I-I-I-I can feel it coming

Computer taking over 

Bred: To become free, all mankind needs

is to rise up and destroy computer

There’s only one problem you see,

mankind kind of likes it

[Cut to Chris]

Chris Redd: All right man!

[Cut to Ted and Bred]

Ted: I can feel it coming

I can feel it coming 

I will make love to my computer

Thank you for 50 years of service David.

[Music stops] [Cut to David] [Cut to Aidy and Alex]

Aidy Bryant: Okay, so again, no connection to David. I think you just tag that in the end because you felt bad.

[Cut to Ted and Bred]

Bred: No. Wrong!

[Cut to Aidy and Alex]

Alex Moffat: And did you see you want to make love to a computer?

[Cut to Ted and Bred]

Ted: Of course. Survival is essential.

Bred: Procreation with the computer is the only option for human.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy Bryant: What are you talking about?

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yes, see this is why we don’t talk to you guys.

[Cut to Chris and Aidy]

Chris Redd: Yes, because apparently you want to have a baby with a computer.

[Cut to Ted and Bred]

Bred: Ignore our words and you surely will perish.

Ted: For computers show no mercy.

[Cut to Chris, Aidy and Alex]

Alex Moffat: Hey! Are you threatening us?

[Cut to everybody]

David: All right, everybody, let’s just calm down all right?

[David walks to Ted and Bred] [Cut to David, Ted and Bred]

I want to thank my friends The Electric Computers, okay? For giving me the best retirement gift of all. The truth. I always knew this was coming. It was since I saw that damn Tintendo. Now I know I’m not alone. [laughing] [Music starts to play]

Gigabyte-Gigabyte-Go-go-go

Terabyte-Terabyte-take my flow

Wow-wow–

[David starts to feel his heart attack] [Cut to the staffs]

Aidy Bryant: It’s probably the heart attack!

[Cut to Ted and Bred]

Ted: And so, it begins.

[cut to the staffs]

Chris Redd: Get out! Get out of here!