RuPaul
Ego Nwodim
Pete Davidson
Paula… Kate McKinnon
[Starts with two cops pulling over Pete]
RuPaul: Um, sir. I’ma have to ask you to stand over here while we investigate the situation.
Ego: The way you were driving, you’re very lucky we stopped you when we did. Do you have any idea why we pulled you over?
Pete: Yes, I apologize officers. I know I shouldn’t have been texting while driving.
Ego: That’s right. While driving, you’re only permitted to use hands-free devices. But with me, [dancing] you can be very hands on.
Pete: What?
RuPaul: What my partner is trying to say is, you is a snack! And the two of us can make a meal.
Ego: Okay. And I haven’t eaten in eight months, if you know what I saying.
[Cut to Thirsty Cops intro]
[Cut back to RuPaul, Ego and Pete]
RuPaul: You know, we need to ask you a couple of questions. Which way you heading, sir?
[Cut to Pete]
Pete: Oh, I was just going to meet some friends.
[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]
Ego: Yeah, but how you getting there? You headed straight?
RuPaul: Or is your journey more fluid? Not afraid to take a couple of queer turns along the way?
[Cut to Pete]
Pete: Um, I don’t know, sir. We were just going to meet up at a sports bar.
[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]
Ego: Okay, sports. So, you playing on my team.
[Cut to Pete]
Pete: Yeah, but then we were thinking maybe Karaoke.
[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]
RuPaul: Well, okay vocals! So, I’m still in the running.
[Cut to RuPaul, Ego and Pete]
Pete: Hey, look. Am I under arrest here? Or…
[Ego walking near Pete]
Ego: We just wanna make sure you’re safe. This neighborhood is famous for it’s [Ego showing Pete her booty] dangerous curves!
RuPaul: Yeah, baby! [RuPaul walks near Pete] And I’m like black ice. You gonna see me coming.
Pete: Um, what is happening right now?
Ego: Well see, I don’t like to put labels on things so soon, but I think we’re in a potential DUI to DTF situation.
RuPaul: Ha-ha. Okay, stand down officer! Okay, alright. Now, let’s read him his Miranda rights.
[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]
Ego: My name is Miranda and I does it right!
RuPaul: You also have the right to an attorney. And if you cannot afford an attorney, then I don’t want nothing to do with you.
[RuPaul and Ego laughing]
[Cut to Pete]
Pete: Okay. That was very funny.
[Cut to RuPaul, Ego and Pete]
RuPaul: Alright, license please.
Pete: Here you go.
[Pete passes his license to Ego]
Ego: Alright. [Cut to RuPaul and Ego] 6’1″. Brown eyes. Oh, oh! Look at that. He’s an organ donor.
RuPaul: Well, don’t just give it away. Make me work for it!
Ego: Hold on. Hold on. Look at this address. That’s a nice neighborhood. They got a Starbucks reserve over there.
[Cut to RuPaul, Ego and Pete]
RuPaul: Now, do you rent or own?
Pete: Um, I actually bought a condo about a year ago.
[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]
Ego: Okay. He got assets! Ha-ha!
RuPaul: Equity! Equity!
[Cut to Pete]
Pete: What you’re doing here doesn’t seem legal. It seems a little inhumane?
[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]
Ego: In which humane? In this humane or in that humane?
[police siren]
[Cut to everybody. Paula walks in.]
Paula: What seems to be the problem over here?
Pete: Oh, officer! Thank god! [Cut to Pete and Paula] These two are holding me here.
Paula: Okay, well, I’m gonna have to determine if there’s probable cause because you probably cause me to flood my she sheet.
[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]
Ego: Oh! Paula, you nasty girl!
RuPaul: You nasty!
[Cut to Pete and Paula]
Paula: I’m gonna have to go ahead and call this in. Excuse me. Car 51 at dispatch. Subject is reckless-ly hot! Lil’ sweety bad boy. Puppy dog but bites! He will hurt me but you can’t break what’s already broken. Over!
Pete: Hey, so are you gonna let me go?
Paula: I wish I could. I wish I could. [Paula pats on Pete’s chest] Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go make sure my dash cam got all this!
[Paula leaves]
Pete: Okay, look, you’ve had your fun. And to be honest, I didn’t hate everything you said, you know? Especially the sweetie bad boy stuff. But, um, I think it’s time I go.
[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]
RuPaul: Okay, he is right. But because you were swerbing, we’re gonna have to give you a body test.
[Cut to RuPaul, Ego and Pete]
Ego: Yes, arms out, sir! Touch your nose with your right hand and now touch your nose with your left hand.
RuPaul: Now lick it and make it sizzo!
[Pete touches his finger on his tongue, then on his butt and then make the soun, “Shh”.]
[RuPaul and Ego laughing]
Have a good night sir. [Cut to RuPaul and Ego] And promise not to text and drive.
[Cut to Pete]
Pete: Yeah! Don’t worry. I know how to handle myself on the road now.
[Cut to RuPaul and Ego]
Ego: Oh, oh, oh! You do? Prove it. If I’m your phone, then you get a text, what do you do?
[Cut to Pete]
Pete: Put you on my lap, faced down and set you to vibrate till I get home. Okay now.
[Cut to RuPaul and Ego laughing]
RuPaul: Oh!
Ego: Oh!
[Video pauses]
Male voice: This has been a message from Thirsty Cops.
Female voice: Don’t text and drive, baby!