Alex Moffat
Peter… David Harbour
Paula…
Murray…
[Starts with Fold of the Past intro]
Announcer: We now return to “Folk of the past” with look back at this 1962 performance of the “The Bob Rodgers Show.”
[Cut to Alex Moffat]
Alex Moffat: Thank you. Thank you. And welcome back to the show. Tonight’s sponsor is Green Jell-o. It’s a vegetable. Now for my comedy monologue. My ugly wife shops too much.
[Cut to the audience whooping]
[Cut to Alex Moffat]
All right. I’d like to give a warm welcome to our next act, a folk trio that’s been sweeping the nation with their chart-toping lullabies about life. Put your hands together for Peter, Paula and Murray!
[Cheers and applause]
[Cut to Peter, Paula and Murray]
Peter: Hi, everyone. Did you know that over the course of our lives we spend 38 days brushing our teeth?
Paula: We spend 48 days making love, and three full years sitting in traffic.
Murray: We each have one life to live on this earth, and we measure it in numbers. And that’s why we wrote this song.
Paula: I spent, one, two, three years
curling my hair that’s already curly
Murray: Three years thinking I look good in hats
Peter: Four years begging god to make my penis bigger
Peter, Paula and Murray: Five long years waiting for you
Paula: I spent one, two, three years
hiding from people I don’t want to talk to
Murray: Three years thinking Maine was a town in Vermont
Peter: Four years trying to hold in my farts in public
Peter, Paula and Murray: Five long years waiting for you
Peter: You know, on this musical tour, we’ve driven 500 miles and stayed in 82 hotels.
Paula: I drive our folk bus at 15 miles per hour on the highway. And I’ve gotten 200 parking tickets.
Murray: Last night I saw five shooting stars, and I slept with a man 32 years my senior.
Paula: I’ve spent one, two, three years
wondering if my close friends hate me
Murray: Three years pretending to be French, bonjoure,
Peter: Four years with a goatee that said I’m a virgin magician
Peter, Paula and Murray: Five long years waiting for you
Paula: I spent $1,000 on the cat
that scratched me right in my cornea
Murray: $2,000 on a pontoon boat that led to a divorce
Peter: $3,000 on a fine for showing my junk at a little league game
Peter: More or less dollars
looking for my last view
Paula: I’ve spent one, two years
eating pizza in the dark like there was a gun to my head
Murray: Three years changing the diapers of a kid emancipated from me
Peter: Four years pretending to be sick while I was in the army
Peter, Paula and Murray: Five long years waiting for you
Peter: Our group has been together two decades. We’ve lost four additional members to cults and orthodox religions.
Paula: We’ve spent so much time together in the van we share everything. Hair brushes, hats, head lice.
Murray: I dated Peter for 12 years and I kissed her once. But I still think about it every day.
Paula: Me, too.
Peter: Me, too.
Paula: I spent eight, nine, ten years
married to the first man who used his mouth
Murray: 15 years taking birth control to have sex with no one
Peter: 18 years raising a son who does stand-up about my painting
Peter, Paula and Murray: Five long years
Paula: I’ve spent one, two, three weeks
wearing a tampon I forgot I had in there
Murray: Ten years with a dog that turned out to be a rat
Peter: 12 hours standing on abridge saying “Do it you coward”
Peter, Paula and Murray: Five long years waiting for you
Paula: I spent one, two, three years
having dinner with my family
Murray: 100 days laughing and 200 waiting in line
Peter: Five years imagining a threesome with my band mates
Peter, Paula and Murray: Five long years waiting for.. five long years
All my years waiting for you
[Cheers and applause]