Tag: Pedro Pascal

Waking Up

Doctor… Bowen Yang

Charlie… Pedro Pascal

Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

Sarah Sherman

Heidi: Doctor, I can’t believe this. How long has my husband been awake?

Bowen: Since this morning. And hey, call me Dr. Jim. He’s still very weak after the coma, but his mouth is moving and it seems like he wants to speak.

Kenan: Oh my god, I thought I lost my best friend. This is a miracle.

Sarah: I know. Look, he’s waking up.

Heidi: Charlie. Hey, it’s me. Welcome back.

Charlie: Oh my god. Where am I? Why am I in a bed? I don’t got anything that’s going on right now.

Heidi: Doctor?

Doctor: It’s very common. He’s gonna be a little confused at first.

Charlie: Why is everybody-? Who is everybody? Why am I wearing paper?

Kenan: Did you say paper? Now that your hospital robe, buddy?

Heidi: Yeah, honey, you were in a little accident.

Charlie: Why are you calling me honey? Who are you?

Heidi: I’m your wife.

Charlie: Okay, not today.

Heidi: Did he say “Not today?” Honey, we’ve been married for eight years.

Charlie: Let’s just put a pin in that.

Heidi: Doctor?

Doctor: He may not recognize you right now. But the important thing is, is that he’s up and talking.

Kenan: Yeah, but he’s talking with this like LA Mosh mouth thing. I mean, I’ve literally never heard that before.

Charlie: You think I sound LA? Thank you. I love LA.

Heidi: He has a totally different personality.

Doctor: This is completely normal and temporary. There’s even been instances of people coming out of comas and speaking foreign languages they could never before.

Charlie: Can I speak Spanish? Let me try. Saba, saba, sama, sama. Sounds like Spanish to me.

Kenan: No. It’s not Spanish. Is his brain okay?

Doctor: Let’s find out. Charlie, listen very carefully. You measure my life in two hours. And I serve you by expiring. I’m quick when I’m thin and slow when I’m fat. What am I?

Charlie: Duh, you’re a condo.

Doctor: He’s fine.

Heidi: That’s how you test for brain damage? [pulls out her phone] Okay honey, look at this video. This is what you normally sound like.

Charlie [in video]: Hey babe, made it to Arkansas. Pretty cool place. Miss you.

Charlie: Okay, he’s the hottest guy I’ve ever seen. Why does he live in Arkansas?

Sarah: No, Charlie, that’s you. You are on a business trip in Arkansas. That’s where you got hit by that Party City Truck.

Charlie: That’s not me. And who are you? Another wife?

Sarah: No, I’m not your wife. I’m your sister.

Charlie: Let’s put a pin in that.

Heidi: Why does he keep wanting to put a pin in things? Are you sure his brand is okay?

Doctor: Absolutely. Watch this. Charlie, Identify these objects. Okay?

Charlie: [ball card] Baa. [bird card] Bi. [boat card] Bo. [card with Bill Burr’s face] Bill Burr.

Doctor: He’s fine. Great job Charlie.

Charlie: Aw, thank you.

Heidi: Please, I want my old Charlie back. Look at him.

Charlie: No. I’m way skinnier than him.

Kenan: That’s because you lost 50 pounds in the coma.

Charlie: Oh, good for me.

Heidi: Doctor, I just don’t know if I can handle that.

Charlie: Oh my god. Don’t cry. You’re gonna make me cry. Come on, hold my hand. Look, I don’t know who you are. And despite what I said, I can’t speak Spanish. But the important thing is you’re my soulmate. And you and I, [in normal voice] you and I are going to be fine.

Doctor: See how he’s sounding clearer already?

Charlie: Because no matter what, people always gonna do that talk. And that’s the truth.

Doctor: Okay, he’s back sliding a little.

Heidi: What do I do?

Doctor: Meet him where he’s at.

Heidi: [speaking like him] Charlie, I’m your wife and I’ll never get tired.

Doctor: Really?

Sarah: [speaking like him] Yes, and that goes same for me.

Kenan: [speaking like him] Now, I’m going to cry. And I like, never cry.

Charlie: Aww, you guys

The Big Hollywood Quiz

Jack Del Mar… Bowen Yang

Robert… Pedro Pascal

Jacqueline… Ego Nwodim

Mary… Chloe Fineman

Announcer: It’s time for the big Hollywood quiz. Here’s your host Jack Del Mar.

Jack: [singing] Light shines so brightly on Chaplin and garble
tonight we delight in James Dean and Jean Harlow
where legends of the past meet the stars of tomorrow
on the Big Hollywood Quiz

Thank you. Thank you. Welcome to the show that’s all about entertainments. Let’s meet our contestants. First Roberts is the professor of Film Studies at Tisch School of the arts.

Robert: Hi, Jack.

Jack: Next, Jacqueline is an entertainment writer for USA Today.

Jacqueline: Great to be here.

Jack: Finally, Mary hosts her own show on the history of Hollywood. What kind of show was it Mary?

Mary: It’s a podcast.

Jack: Oh, okay. Well, our categories are the movies, the shows, the stars, and Hooray. Robert, you’re first.

Robert: Thanks, Jack. We got to start with movies.

Jack: We got to this question is from the 1950s. In “All About Eve”, she famously said, “Fasten your seat belts, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.” Robert, you buzzed in first.

Robert: One and only, Betty Davis.

Jack: Yes, that’s $500. You’re on the board. Moving over to the shows. This one is from the 80s. In 1983, this TV show set during the Korean War had a finale watched by over 100 million viewers. Jacqueline.

Jacqueline: Mash, and it was watched by 106 million.

Jack: That’s it. $500 for you. Great job. Now let’s go over to the 2020s. This breakout hit is the current number one show on Netflix. It’s Ginny & …? [all three contestants are quiet] No one? It’s the most watched show on the most watched streaming service in the world. No? Gini & …?

Robert: Juice?

Jack: No. It was Gini & Georgia. Gini & Georgia season two.

Jacqueline: Is that from Europe?

Jack: No. It’s totally American. Okay, Robert, pick a catJacquelinery.

Robert: Let’s go to Hurray.

Jack: Great. These are all about awards sticking with the 2020s. This film written and directed by Sarah Polley has been nominated for Best Picture this year. [all three contestants are quiet] No one? I’ll give you a hint. It has an all female cast featuring Oscar winner Francis McDormand.

Robert: 80 for Brady.

Jack: No. Anyone else?

Jacqueline: Can you give us a hint?

Jack: It’s women talking.

Robert: Be more specific.

Jack: No, that’s the title. “Women Talking”. It’s a wonderful film. Do you all watch much TV or movies?

Jacqueline: I do, at least 12 hours a day.

Jack: Yikes. Here’s the next question. Just last week, Andrea Riseborough was nominated for an Oscar for her role in which movie? [all three contestants are quiet] Anyone? Andrea Riseborough. They say it was the best performance of her career.

Jacqueline: Career?

Jack: It was “To Lesley.” That’s right, “To Lesley”. It’s great. You should really see it because so far it’s made $27,300.

Mary: Okay, that’s not a lot for opening weekend.

Jack: It’s been out for four months.

Robert: Can I make a request, Jack? Can we do a question with some big movie stars, people we would all know.

Jack: Sure. Like who?

Robert: I don’t know. Nicole Kidman?

Jack: Absolutely. Here’s one. This past year Nicole Kidman starred in this “darkly feminist drama” on Apple TV.

Robert: Wednesday?

Jack: No. Anyone? Nobody? It was Roar. That’s right. Roar.

Jacqueline: No.

Jack: Yes. Okay, let’s do Samuel L. Jackson. Everyone knows him, right? This past year Samuel L Jackson starred in this critically acclaimed drama on Apple TV.

Robert: Wednesday.

Jack: No. Sorry, it was “The Last Days of Ptolemy Grey”.

Mary: Oh, come on. You got to be kidding me.

Jack: I’m totally serious.

Robert: Jack, please. I’m sure the shows are great. But where did all the big popular movies go?

Jack: Oh, they’re still here. They’re just in your phone and you can watch them on the toilet. Ha-ha-ha. Okay. No one is in the lead. Let’s just move on to the speed round. Robert, you’re still in control. Our era is the 80s.

Robert: Great.

Jack: Here’s the question. But year 1989 featured movies like “The Little Mermaid,” “When Harry Met Sally,” “Batman,” “Dead Poets Society,” and “Do the right thing.” Robert, named three movies from the past five years.

Robert: Oh, wow. Three Okay. Wow, Top Gun.

Jack: Okay, that’s one.

Robert: Great. Oh gosh. The Hangover?

Jack: That was 20 years ago.

Robert: The night man.

Jack: Sounds like you’re just saying words. Come on. All you need is one. Can’t you just name one more movie?

Robert: No.

Jack: That’s right. “No.” You’ve won the speed round.

Robert: Yay. Why?

Jack: Now, just take the win, Robert. When we come back, these three will try to guess what Julia Roberts is doing on Stars. Bye.

Protective Mom

Louis… Marcello Hernandez

Britney… Chloe Fineman

Mother… Pedro Pascal

Louis: Babe, so before we go in, I just want you to know that my mom can be pretty protective of me. And I just don’t want you to get scared off.

Britney: Louis, don’t worry, we’re good.

Louis: Okay. Woo-hoo, Mama-minda, we’re home.

Mother: Mi Hijo lindo, I’m coming. [walks in and starts crying]

Louis: Mama.

Mother: the man of my life. ay, Dios mio. Luisito. Oh my college boy, I missed you so much. [starts hitting with newspaper] You don’t call enough. Bad boy. I’ll kill you. I put you in jail. Ah! I love you so much.

Louis: Aw, mama. Well, I love you too, mama. And I want to introduce you to my new girlfriend, Britney.

Britney: Hi. Yes, Miss Flores. I’m Brittany. I’ve heard so much about you.

Mother: You are cute. You dress like a boy. I like that.

Louis: Haha-mama. Let’s eat. How about that?

Britney: With love. And hey, my parents taught me never to come empty handed. So I did bring some vegan sliders.

Mother: Louis, [foreign language] vegan sliders?

Britney: Is she talking about me?

Louis: Oh, yes. But in a good way. Don’t worry. Mama. We’re hungry.

Britney: Yes. And this looks great. Um, where should I put these?

Mother: I’ll take it. Thank you. [Takes the bag and throws the vegan sliders into the trash] Sit, sit.

Louis: Everything looks so great, Mama. Thank you.

Mother: So Brittany, what are you studying?

Britney: I’m actually studying fine art with a concentration in 17th century baroque architecture.

Mother: So she doesn’t like money.

Louis: Mama, please. Brittany wants to be an art professor one day.

Mother: Oh, so she’s a lesbian?

Louis: Mama, please.

Mother: No, no, no, no. Mi nuera no puede estudiar fine art y usar tu dinero para dizque broke architecture.

Louis: Mama, por favor. No le importa el dinero a ella.

Mother: Te puedes imaginar? Van Gogh, Picasso, Britney with the vegan sliders.

Britney: Okay, so she’s talking about me.

Louis: No le hables asi a la pobre. Es una nice White girl. Se cuida mucho. Siempre se pone sunscreen. Y tiene mucho talento. Sabe jugar ultimate frisbee.

Britney: Oh my gos. Listen, I am so sorry if I offended you in any way. I only want the best for your son. Like Louis, do you remember when you were having trouble concentrating for semester?

Louis: Oh, no, no, no.

Britney: And I set you up with my family doctor?

Mother: What?

Britney: Well, I helped Louis out. Now he’s on ADD medication and he’s doing a lot better.

Mother: My son don’t have ADD. He just like to jump.

Britney: Oh, well, ADD isn’t anything to be embarrassed about. Demi Lovato has it.

Mother: Ella entra a mi casa con su “family doctor”, hablando de que “normalize ADD”.

Britney: Okay, she hates me.

Louis: She’s not talking about you. Mama, yo entiendo que no te cae bien su unisex apparel

Britney: What?

Louis: Y si no fuera por ella, yo nunca viera “White Lotus”.

Mother: Esta brujita, con su Pinterest, hablando de que, “Hey man, wanna go get some sweet green?”

Britney: What is she saying?

Mother: Pero no me digas a mi que te vas a casar con ella o tenera una relacion “long-term”, okay? No.

Britney: What?

Mother: A mi no me importa si tu te metes con eila para un “one-night-stand”, “hit it and quit it”, “rip and dip”. I don’t care. That’s okay.

Britney: Okay, that was all English. Please, I would just love to start over.

Louis: Yes. Can we please just eat? How about that?

Britney: Yes, this looks delicious, Ms. Flores. But before we eat, mind if I say Grace?

Mother: Grace? Oh, Mija. Louis… why didn’t you tell me she was a woman of God?

Louis: Oh my god.

Mother: Now where are my grandchildren?

HBO Mario Kart Trailer

Mario… Pedro Pascal

Princess… Chloe Fineman

Male voice: HBO’s The Last of Us is a hit, proving a video game can become a prestige dystopian drama. HBO is doing it again with another iconic game.

Female voice: It’s been 10 years since our kingdom fell. The only thing we have left, hope.

Heidi: I have important cargo I need smuggled to Rambo road. People say you used to drive?

Mario: People say a lot of things.

Heidi: You got a name?

Mario: It’s a me Mario. So what’s the cargo?

Heidi: Not what? Who? She’s a princess. Really, she was? Until he took over.

Mario: We’ll never make it on foot.

Heidi: You won’t have to.

[Heidi shows him a Mario Kart]

Mario: Let’s a-go.

Male voice: From the producers of “The Last of Us” and the master storytellers behind Mario Kart 1 through 8.

Princess: What’s it like out here?

Mario: Carting out out here isn’t a game. We’re gonna make it? We need all the help we can get.

Luigi: It’s a Luigi time.

Mario: Everything on this road wants us dead.

Princess: What is the thing?

Luigi: Goomba, cinci and fungus with shoes for legs.

Male voice: All your favorite wacky racers reimagined as complex dramatic HBO characters.

Yoshi: I’m Yoshi. I’m bisexual.

Toad: My name’s Toad. Also, I’m bisexual.

Male voice: “HBO pick the wrong game to do this with”, reads Variety. “Yeah, this ain’t it,” adds the New York Times.

Princess: [seeing Mario eat the mushroom] You eat that poison?

Mario: It makes me feel big, okay? I need to feel big. Because Bowser is out there. And he’s the main bad guy.

Mario narrating: When we’re out there in our carts…

Luigi: Woohoo, I love this.

Mario narrating: … I need you to trust me.

Mario: Hold on. Ah!

Mario narrating: I’ll get you to Rainbow Road.

Toad: There’s a shell on my seat.

Mario: You can do it.

Toad: No. It’s red.

[Toad’s cart gets destroyed]

Princess: What if we crash?

Mario: Little guy in a cloud comes and uses a fishing pole to put you back on the road.

Princess: Oh, okay.

Fancam Assembly

Mr. Ben … Pedro Pascal

James: Okay students is St. Lawrence High School, welcome to your assembly about student technology use. [students booing] Settled down, all right? Here to give the presentation, please welcome your favorite teacher Mr. Ben. [students cheering]

Bowen: Mr. Ben, he has rizz.

Mr. Ben: Thank you, I think. Okay, let’s start. First rule do not access inappropriate content online. And do not bully on social media.

Ego: Come on, girl, eat it up.

Mr. Ben: Thank you. I think. And here’s a new rule. As of today, do not make fancams of school staff such as this.

[TikTok video of Mr. Ben playing on screen]

Bowen: No, skinny legend, why are you doing this?

Mr. Ben: Because you have made thousands of fancams of me and I’m not sure what they mean, but I know it has to stop.

Sarah: But we make them because you’re our beloved and you have us in a chokehold.

Mr. Ben: Okay, don’t say that. I just don’t understand why do you make sparkly fast romantic montages of me every single day? Like this?

[TikTok video of Mr. Ben playing on screen]

Devon: I mean, we don’t make them every day.

Bowen: Yeah, just on the days you send us or give us life.

Mr. Ben: What does that mean?

Ego: Don’t worry. It just means your foot is always on our necks. See?

[TikTok video of Mr. Ben playing on screen]

Mr. Ben: Is that is that me right now? How did you make that so fast? And how did you take over access to the monitor?

Devon: Mr. Ben, why are you so mad? You’re in your assembly era?

Mr. Ben: I’m not mad. I’m confused. Is “the way I ate this up” a compliment because it was nom nom delish and had you gagged?

Ego: Exactly, we love you down, Mr. Ben?

Sarah: You’re so father, period.

Mr. Ben: Okay, see but if fancams are- If fan- If okay. If fan cams are because I’m father then why did you make thin cams of Lady lunch Polina?

Bowen: Because Paulina is mother.

[TikTok video of Polina playing on screen]

Polina: Kids on phone, too much grow up wrong.

Mr. Ben: Guys, I’m trying to understand the fan cams for good or bad. Did you make a Fan Cam of lunch lady Polina to make fun of her?

Bowen: No, we made it because she ate us up and left no crumbs.

Mr. Ben: Left no crumbs? Okay, that’s it. Fancams are officially banned from school.

Students: No.

Devon: Well, Mr. Ben, we thought you were different, but you’re just like everyone else. Mid.

Mr. Ben: I’m sorry. I want to be a cool teacher. I know I’m your bias and then I always munch on it. But I just don’t get it. Why does your generation have to make everyone a celebrity? Why do you film everything? Why?

Bowen: Fine? You really want to know? It’s because COVID.

Mr. Ben: What? What do you mean?

Sarah: Because three years, COVID made us online forever.

Ego: Because COVID locked us down when we were 11, and now we’re 14, so now we have to make you daddy.

Bowen: Because mommy works remotely all day and doesn’t have time to eat it up no crumbs left. So we made you daddy and Ms. Jenny mommy.

Mr. Ben: What? Why is Ms. Jenny mommy?

Ms. Jenny: Guys. We told you, there is nothing going on between me and Mr. Ben.

Devon: Oh really? That explain this.

[TikTok video of Mr. Ben and Ms. Jenny playing on screen]

Mr. Ben: Honey, they’d been through so much. Let’s just tell them the truth. Ms. Jenny and I were in love.

[students teasing them]

Ms. Jenny: Fine, it’s true. He’s Daddy. I’m Mommy. And we’re all a happy family. No crumbs left.

Students: Yayy!