Pelotaunt SNL

[Starts with people pedaling the exercise cycle]

Trainer: Okay, Palotaunt, let’s go.

Female voice: Only Palotaunt delivers 24/7 non-stop motivation from world class instructors right in your home.

Trainer: You smashed it.

Female voice: But what if you’re the kind of person who doesn’t respond to encouragement?

Trainer: You did this.

Melissa: If I hear the phrase “You can do it”, I literally won’t just to prove a point.

Ego: If anyone yells that I can do one more, I will immediately get off this thing, unplug it and go smoke.

Beck: I cannot be cheer leaded. I know myself.

Female voice: For those people, we introduce Palotaunt. The only exercise bike that provides you with personalized at home negative reinforcement and relentless criticism.

Trainer: Ready to do this?

Melissa: No.

Trainer: I don’t give a [bleep]. I get paid either way. [walks away]

Melissa: Hey, I guess I can do a little bit. Look. Come back.

Female voice: Using patented passive aggression, each Palotaunt instructor will pull from a tool kit of emotional manipulation styles guaranteed to get even the laziest cyclists moving.  Techniques such as snotty disdain.

Trainer: Really nice big t-shirt. Do you wear that to swim?

Beck: No.

Trainer: Well, thanks for wearing it here.

[Beck starts pedaling harder]

Female voice: Insincere praise.

Trainer: Okay, Susan, I know you just had a baby, so go at your own pace.

Susan: What? I didn’t have a baby.

Trainer: Oh, are you sure you didn’t?

Susan: Yeah.

Trainer: Oh, okay. Oh. Maybe one day.

[Susan starts pedaling harder]

Female voice: And avoidant attachment style that will put you in a state of complete co-depenence.

[Two trainers are discussing their own thing while Melissa is pedaling]

Trainer: I was trying to figure out what to do with that.

Melissa: Should I go up a level?

[Trainers ignoring her]

Melissa: If you want to talk to me, I’m right here. Look. Look at me, guys. I’m doing it.

Female voice: No corny inspirational speeches here. Just withering judgement sure to get your heart pumping and your brain thinking, “Am I bad?”

Trainer: Let’s give it up for Mike who’s working out in his garage.

Mike: Oh, no. This is my living room.

Trainer: What?

Mike: I feel mentally broken down, but hey, I can see my abs.

Susan: I hate exercise, but I hate Sarah more.

Trainer: This is you. [mocking Susan]

Female voice: Palotaunt has all the upgraded features that keep you moving out of spite. Features like gaslighting you about how far you’ve gone.

Mike: Hey, it says I did four rides but I did five.

Trainer: No, I think you did four. It’s a computer.

Female voice: Live video of your own ass from behind with an exaggerated fisheye mode.

Mike: Oh god. Is that mine?

Female voice: Constant picture of an elderly woman who’s thousand times better than you.

Melissa: Is there a way to turn her off? She’s kicking my ass.

Female voice: A humiliating sound check that will make you feel stupid.

[funny sound playing]

Trainer: And stop. That was good.

Melissa: It was? [sobbing]

Female voice: Palotaunt. Also available in mom.

Mom: Well, this was a dumb thing to buy. Great job, Mike.