[Starts with people pedaling the exercise cycle]
Trainer: Okay, Palotaunt, let’s go.
Female voice: Only Palotaunt delivers 24/7 non-stop motivation from world class instructors right in your home.
Trainer: You smashed it.
Female voice: But what if you’re the kind of person who doesn’t respond to encouragement?
Trainer: You did this.
Melissa: If I hear the phrase “You can do it”, I literally won’t just to prove a point.
Ego: If anyone yells that I can do one more, I will immediately get off this thing, unplug it and go smoke.
Beck: I cannot be cheer leaded. I know myself.
Female voice: For those people, we introduce Palotaunt. The only exercise bike that provides you with personalized at home negative reinforcement and relentless criticism.
Trainer: Ready to do this?
Melissa: No.
Trainer: I don’t give a [bleep]. I get paid either way. [walks away]
Melissa: Hey, I guess I can do a little bit. Look. Come back.
Female voice: Using patented passive aggression, each Palotaunt instructor will pull from a tool kit of emotional manipulation styles guaranteed to get even the laziest cyclists moving. Techniques such as snotty disdain.
Trainer: Really nice big t-shirt. Do you wear that to swim?
Beck: No.
Trainer: Well, thanks for wearing it here.
[Beck starts pedaling harder]
Female voice: Insincere praise.
Trainer: Okay, Susan, I know you just had a baby, so go at your own pace.
Susan: What? I didn’t have a baby.
Trainer: Oh, are you sure you didn’t?
Susan: Yeah.
Trainer: Oh, okay. Oh. Maybe one day.
[Susan starts pedaling harder]
Female voice: And avoidant attachment style that will put you in a state of complete co-depenence.
[Two trainers are discussing their own thing while Melissa is pedaling]
Trainer: I was trying to figure out what to do with that.
Melissa: Should I go up a level?
[Trainers ignoring her]
Melissa: If you want to talk to me, I’m right here. Look. Look at me, guys. I’m doing it.
Female voice: No corny inspirational speeches here. Just withering judgement sure to get your heart pumping and your brain thinking, “Am I bad?”
Trainer: Let’s give it up for Mike who’s working out in his garage.
Mike: Oh, no. This is my living room.
Trainer: What?
Mike: I feel mentally broken down, but hey, I can see my abs.
Susan: I hate exercise, but I hate Sarah more.
Trainer: This is you. [mocking Susan]
Female voice: Palotaunt has all the upgraded features that keep you moving out of spite. Features like gaslighting you about how far you’ve gone.
Mike: Hey, it says I did four rides but I did five.
Trainer: No, I think you did four. It’s a computer.
Female voice: Live video of your own ass from behind with an exaggerated fisheye mode.
Mike: Oh god. Is that mine?
Female voice: Constant picture of an elderly woman who’s thousand times better than you.
Melissa: Is there a way to turn her off? She’s kicking my ass.
Female voice: A humiliating sound check that will make you feel stupid.
[funny sound playing]
Trainer: And stop. That was good.
Melissa: It was? [sobbing]
Female voice: Palotaunt. Also available in mom.
Mom: Well, this was a dumb thing to buy. Great job, Mike.