Office Flirty Performance Chris Pine

Liz… Aidy Bryant

Nadeen… Vanessa Bayer

Shelly… Melissa Villaseñor

Michael… Chris Pine

[Starts with Liz and Nadeen in their office]

Liz: Well, Nadeen, it’s time. I think we need to do it.

Nadeen: You’re right. [presses phone button] Shelly, send him in.

[Shelly walks in with Michael]

Shelly: Have a seat.

Michael: Hi. Um, you wanted to see me? [Shelly walks out]

Liz: Yeah. Michael, good morning. You know Nadeen from HR.

Nadeen: Hello, Michael.

Michael: Hi. Uh, is everything okay?

Liz: Well, no. There’s obviously something going on that we need to address.

Michael: If this is about me taking too many sick days this month–

Nadeen: No, Michael, but there has been a pattern of behavior that simply can’t continue.

Michael: I’m sorry. I just have no clue what you’re talking about.

[music starts]

Liz: Um, no clue? You’re the one that has been driving us both crazy!

Nadeen: With you flirty hallway looks.

Liz: And the hunky way that your body is.

Michael: What?

Nadeen: So, you need to make a choice. Me or her?

Michael: A choice?

Liz: You’re tearing two friends apart. And I know you’re mine.

Nadeen: Actually, he is mine.

Michael: Excuse me?

Liz: Shut up.

[Liz and Nadeen stand and start dancing]

Liz and Nadeen: [singing] You need to give it up
Had about enough
It’s not hard to see
The boy is mine
I’m sorry that you
Seem to be confused
He belongs to me
The boy is mine

Nadeen: I think it’s time we got this straight
Sit and talk, face to face
There is no way you could mistake
Him for your man, are you insane

Liz: See I know that you may be
Just a bit jealous of me
But you’re blind if you can’t see
That his love is all in me

Michael: Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Wait. So, I’m not in trouble?

Liz and Nadeen: No.

Michael: But your fighting over me and now I have to choose whose boy I am?

Liz and Nadeen: Yes.

Michael: And you choreographed your little performance to tell me that?

Liz and Nadeen: Um-hmm.

Liz: So boy, who’s it gonna be? A diabetic mother of two?

Nadeen: Or a childless MILF with an eye for design?

Michael: I’m sorry. Which is which?

[Liz and Nadeen remove their coats]

Nadeen: [singing] I’m sorry that you

Liz: Sorry that you…

Nadeen: Seem to be confused, confused

Liz and Nadeen: He belongs to me
The boy is mine

Liz: Must you do the things you do
You keep on acting like a fool

[Shelly walks in]

Shelly: Hey guys, I’m going on–

Liz: [yelling at Shelly] Oh! Please! You’re fired!

[Shelly runs out]

Michael: Okay. Okay. I don’t– I don’t mean to interrupt but you- you- you ladies never talk to me. And this is the– it’s only the second time I’ve been in this part of the building. So–

Liz: Oh, please, boy.

Nadeen: Don’t play anymore games, boy.

Liz: Boy, just let us do this last part, boy.

Michael: Okay, fine.(Not yours, but mine)

Liz: Not yours.

Nadeen: But mine.

Liz: Not yours.

Nadeen: But mine.

Liz: Not yours.

Nadeen: But mine.

Liz: Not yours.

Nadeen: But mine.

Michael: Okay! Okay! Okay, okay! Just stop. [music stops] Stop. First of all, this is so inappropriate. Liz, you are the president of the company. And, Nadeen… you read my mind. In fact,

[singing] My mind is telling me no,
but my body, my body is telling me yes

[Michael and Nadeen star dancing. Liz is disappointed.]

Air Plane Performance

Becca… Amy Schumer

Carla… Venessa Bayer

Mark… Taran Killam

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a clip of DELTA airlines flying]

Becca: Okay folks. [Cut to inside the plane.] We’ve reached our cruising altitude but when seated, we ask that you keep your seat belt fastened. In a moment, we’ll begin our complimentary beverage and snacks service.

Carla: Our recent survey in Delta magazine placed Delta as the third most fun airline and that is something to sing about.

Becca: Hit the jam, DJ.

[music playing]

Carla: [singing] Tell em’ what they want, what they really, really want

Becca: I’ll tell what they want, what they really, really want

Carla: They wanna, they wanna, they wanna, they wanna

Becca: What they really, really, really want is to have a nice flight.

Carla: If you’re feeling hungry, we’ve got great snacks

Becca: If you wanna buy a headset, we’ll be coming right back
So tell em’ what they want, what they really, really want

Carla: I’ll tell what they want, what they really, really want

[As Carla dances while singing, she mistakenly opens the airplane door and gets sucked out.] [Everybody in the plane are screaming.] [Mark comes in, screams and goes back.] [Carla is still hanging by the airplane door] [Becca pulls Carla in and closes the door] [Carla is horrified]

Becca: Are you okay? Oh, my god!

Carla: I swallowed so much air.

Becca: Oh, my god. Sit down. Oh, my god.

Carla: I’m fine. I’m fine.

Becca: Carla, you were just outside the plane. What do you need?

Carla: All I need is to finish the announcement song that we worked so hard on in my garage. Folks, as you can see I am fine. So, on with the jam.

[music playing]

So, here’s the story from us to you
to have a great flight, you gotta know your flight crew
you got Becca up front, she’s the best
Mark in the back,
[yelling] I was outside the plane.

[Becca takes the microphone from Carla]

Becca: Turn the music off, Mark. Mark!

[music stops]

Carla: I was out there and then I was in the sky. And then I saw myself as a little girl.

[Mark walks in]

Mark: Carla, Carla, are you okay?

Carla: Get away, Mark!

Becca: You did nothing, useless Mark.

Carla: Mark!

Becca: Mark!

Carla: Mark!

[Becca picks up the mic]

Becca: Ladies and gentlemen, Mark did nothing. And also, please do not be afraid of using the forward restroom because of the door. It is secure now. It is locked. [Becca walks to the door] As you can see, you can knock on it. You can lean on it like, “Hello fella, how you’re doing?”

[When Becca leans on the door, it opens and Becca falls off this time.]

Carla: Oh, my god!

[Carla runs to get Becca. Becca is hanging on the door.] [Mark just comes in, screams and goes back.] [Carla pushes Becca away on her head and closes the door.] [Carla picks up the mic]

Carla: Um, I couldn’t pull her, okay? The passengers have to come first. So, you all saw there was nothing I could do.

[Cut to Kenan sitting in the plane. Becca is looking through the window by Kenan’s side.]

Kenan: Ma’am, that woman is right there holding on real hard.

[Cut to Carla]

Carla: Go to the door. Go to the door. Okay folks, everything’s going to be fine. And because it is inconvenience, you can all watch San Andres for free. So, anyway, you guys pretty pumped to go Milwaukee?

[Cut to Becca looking through the door window]

Okay, okay. Here we go. Hold on one sec.

[Carla walks to the door and opens it and pulls Becca in] [Becca is making noise]

Becca: Carla! Oh, my god, was I out there for a full year?

Carla: I closed the door on you.

Becca: I know. Shut up, Carla. We’ll deal with it later.

Carla: I left you out there.

Becca:

[Mark walks in]

Mark: Ladies, ladies, both of you sit down. Please, please. I’ve got this. Please, both of you.

[Becca and Carla sit down]

Just rest.

[Mark grabs the mic]

Folks, I am so sorry about all of this. What do you say we get this flight back on track? Huh? And speaking of track, hit it.

[music playing] [singing] I’m giving you everything

[Cut to Becca, Carla and Kenan sitting together. They are loving Mark’s performance.]

all the drinks you need

[The End]