Weekend Update Pete Davidson on Valentines Day

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This last Sunday was the first and hopefully only Valentines day of the pandemic. With more on this is relationship expert, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Yeah. Thank you, Colin.

Colin Jost: Great to see you, Pete. So, how was Valentine’s day?

Pete Davidson: Well, I’m sure not as good as your’s. Yeah, you’re the man. In some ways, I like the pandemic valentines because it’s the first time being alone wasn’t my fault. I spent the night eating chocolates and watching a movie with my mom. Which is why, I’m officially moving out of the house. I am. Yeah. One of us has to go. So, we were watching that Britney Spears documentary. But I had it turned it off when I realized my mom has way more of a case to take over my finances than Brithey’s dad ever did. I was like, “Wait, she could do that and she hasn’t? Doesn’t she love me?” All Britney did was shave her head. I got a life sized tattoo of the tutsy pop owl.

Colin Jost: Oh yeah, I heard you were moving some of your tattoos.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I saw a picture of myself without a shirt and I look like a toddler went to prison. Like, I look like I’m carrying a shiv, but only to poke open a capri sun.

Colin Jost: Alright. And so, you’re definitely moving out?

Pete Davidson: Yes, I have to. I have to. The thing is my mom is a lot like this show. Like, no matter what I do, I’m never asked to leave. Right? Also, they’re both really old and noticeably fatigued.

Colin Jost: I gotta ask, where are you going to move to?

Pete Davidson: Oh, I’m staying in Staten Island. I can’t afford Kennebunkport or Blabagansett or Pepperidge Farm, wherever you live now.

Colin Jost: That’s not where I live, Pete.

Pete Davidson: Well, wherever you live, I’m sure it has more boats than people.

Colin Jost: Come on, man. I grew up in Staten Island just like you.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, well your grammar and lack of police record say otherwise.

Colin Jost: Alright. So, you’re not gonna move anywhere expensive?

Pete Davidson: Yeah, that’s the problem. You see? Me and my mom bought that house together. So, for me to afford somewhere new, I’m gonna have to either like, fight Jake Paul or like, steal another one of Laurn’s paintings.

Colin Jost: Oh yeah, I remember when you stole the Rothko. But you’re kidding about the fighting, right?

Pete Davidson: Well, I mean, I could never fight Jake Paul because after it was over there would be no way of telling if either one of us got brain damage.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

Pete Davidson: Watch Kenan on Tuesdays!

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Staten Island COVID-19 Protests

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Speaker Colin Jost: On Wednesday, residents of Staten Island held a large rally outside Max Pub to protest restrictions on indoor dining. With more on this, Staten Island native, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Speaker Pete Davidson: Yeah. Thank you. It’s gonna be hard to follow that Giuliani fart. Thank you. Yeah, I saw the protest. People were outside the bar shouting about freedom, taunting the cops, chanting that they should arrest the governor, but it’s Staten Island. So, I assume that it was just like a typical last call.

Speaker Colin Jost: Are you against these protests?

Speaker Pete Davidson: I mean, kind of, but I’m also just happy I’m no longer the first thing people think of when they say, “What’s the worst thing about Staten Island.”

Speaker Colin Jost: Come on. That’s not true. People like you.

Speaker Pete Davidson: Yeah. But not in the right way. I don’t get to host the Emmy’s like you and Che. But I did just find out there’s an Etsy store selling Pete Davidson Vibrators. Yeah, how weird is that? You can buy a vibrator with my face on it for $15 or one without my face for $20. I don’t even get a cut of the sales. Now I know how Chappelle feels.

Speaker Colin Jost: Back to the pub. What exactly were they protesting?

Speaker Pete Davidson: Well, the bar shockingly is in a neighborhood with the second highest covid infections in all of New York. The rule is that they’re supposed to let people eat or drink outside. The owner said no one wants to do that because they’ll go out of business. But the argument that people in Staten Island don’t want to drink outside can be disproven by going to literally any little league game. One guy at the protest even gave a speech where he literally compared not being able to drink indoors to being Jewish during the holocaust which must have been awkward for the people there who had to suddenly pretend they believed in the holocaust.

Speaker Colin Jost: So, i take it that you found these protest frustrating.

Speaker Pete Davidson: Yeah, man. That make it us look like babies. You know it’s bad when even people in Boston are like, “Ah! Drink it home, you queers!”

Speaker Colin Jost: Do you think the people should stay at home until the pandemic gets better?

Speaker Pete Davidson: Yeah. Everyone wants to go have fun. There’s plenty of stuff you could do at home. Like, use your official Pete Davidson Vibrator.

Speaker Colin Jost: I didn’t realize it was official now.

Speaker Pete Davidson: Yeah. I just decided it was. It’s a quality item and it’s weirdly accurate. How did they know how white it is?

Speaker Colin Jost: Yeah. I don’t know. I guess just a lucky guess. You said that you were staying home. Do you have any plans for the holiday?

Speaker Pete Davidson: Actually, yes. I’m doing this online table read of “It’s a wonderful life for charity.” It’s with a bunch of other actors I love too. I get to play George Bailey. Then we’ll stream it online to raise money.

Speaker Colin Jost: That’s really great, Pete.

Speaker Pete Davidson: Yeah, you would think. Yeah. You should tell that to the thousands of people on Twitter who are extremely angry about it. Why are they so mad that I’m doing a little online table read of “It’s a wonderful life”? It’s an old timey film about a guy who is suicidal. I’m famously depressed and have the complexion of someone in a black and white movie. I get it, if it was an actual movie remake of “It’s a wonderful life”, yeah, I’d be an odd casting choice. It would be like, rebooting “The God Father” with Post Malone. Yeah, he’ll make you an offer you can’t understand.

Speaker Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone!

Speaker Pete Davidson: Buy one. Get over it.

 

The Fliplets

Pete… Mikey Day

Zeke… Alex Moffat

Tristan… Ryan Gosling

[Starts with HGTV video bumper]

Female voice: You’re watching HGTV, coz your house sucks.

[Cut to The Fliplets promo]

Female voice: If you love the ‘Property Brothers’, just wait until you meet Pete, Zeke and Tristan. It’s the Fliplets.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: I’m Pete. I have been a licensed realtor since I was 18. And if I can’t find a house you love, it just ain’t out there.

[Cut to Zeke]

Zeke: Ha-ha-ha. My name is Zeke and I have been flipping houses for the past 12 years. I’m the guy who will turn whatever nightmare he finds you into the home of your dream.

[Cut to Tristan]

Tristan: I’m Tristen. And when our parents divorced, I was the only one that went to live with our dad.

[Cut to all]

Pete: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Alright, they don’t want to hear about that.

Tristan: Well, when are you gonna talk about it? I mean we’ve never talked about what happened.

Female voice: The Fliplets, just three brothers renovating houses and busting your gut.

[Cut to Pete and Zeke]

Pete: this guy does all the manual labor, which according to my calculations make me the smart one.

Zeke: Oh, please, poindexter here. You couldn’t drive a nail if it had a steering wheel on it.

[Cut to Tristan]

Tristan: I don’t think they ever really fully grieved the death of our family.

[Cut to all]

Pete: Ha-ha. Not really the platform, bud.

Tristan: Yes. So, rather than face their demons that they have, they go city to city trying to build the home they never had.

Female voice: The Fliplets, all new this fall.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: We are all about the three Rs. [Cut to all] Refurbish,–

Zeke: Remodel,–

Pete: And…

Tristan: Religion is a drug.

Zeke: Nope. Nope. It’s renovate.

Female voice: The fliplets. Every Tuesday at 8.

[Cut to Pete and Zeke]

Zeke: I’ve been working with my hands my entire life. It’s my passion. Heck, when I was 12, I built a tree house with central AC.

Pete: Yeah. and even though I got a couple offers on it, I couldn’t sell the old gal. There were just too many memories.

[Tristan walks in]

Tristan: When I was 12, I watched a man get hit by a bus. And I had plenty of time to intervene but I was frozen, not by fear… but by a dreadful excitement.

Zeke: Ha-ha.

Tristan: And I just watched him. Like it was all a little show that god was putting on just for me. A Marionette, dangling before the lapping flames of his master’s furnace. And in that moment, I died a little unto myself but I was reborn as the lizard I was destined to become.

Pete: Ha-ha. He has never mentioned this before.

Zeke: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Tristan: Some might say that was the day the light inside me dimmed. But I would say that’s the moment the darkness inside me began to shine.

Zeke: What? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Female voice: The Fliplets, this was the usable footage.